Content Warning: child loss, infertility
There’s a universal truth around weddings, and that is to not steal the spotlight from the happy couple.
But this can be made worse if the announcement includes something the happy couple may never have, the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Though he was excited that his fiancée was pregnant, Redditor AnonymousAITAH was appalled when he found out she wanted to share the news at her cousin’s wedding, just weeks after her cousin suffered from a miscarriage.
She was so insistent to share the news that day, the Original Poster (OP) knew he had to come up with some way to save the wedding.
He asked the sub:
“AITA For calling my fiancée selfish for wanting to announce her pregnancy at her cousin’s wedding?”
The OP and his fiancée disagreed about when to announce their pregnancy.
“My fiancee (29) and I (31 Male) just found out that we’re pregnant.”
“My fiancée mentioned that she wanted to wait to announce it at her cousin’s wedding, which will be taking place on Sunday.”
“Her cousin and her husband have been struggling to get pregnant, even with IVF or tons of other options. Recently they just got some news that their insurance has stopped funding IVF, not to mention the heartbreak of a recent miscarriage on Mother’s Day. They almost understandably held off on the wedding.”
The OP also noted that his fiancée’s relationship with her cousin was complicated.
“So about my fiancée and her cousin’s relationship. My fiancée always saw competition in her cousin because her cousin would be better at some things than her (like grades, dancing, cosmetics, etc.) since they were kids and she hates that.”
“Last year, they had an argument about it because my fiancée felt her cousin bragged too much, whereas my fiancée also mentioned, ‘There was one thing her cousin wasn’t good at,’ but never said what it was.”
“So in shorter terms, the relationship is in between good and bad, but her cousin wanted to invite her to the wedding, I’m guessing to rekindle that.”
The OP encouraged his fiancée to wait until another time to announce.
“So when my fiancée brought it up to me, I told her it’s not at all a good idea. This just seemed so wrong, especially it being at their wedding.”
“I asked if she was gonna at least ask her cousin for permission and she said no because she wanted it to be a surprise for everyone.”
“I told her it’s not the time nor the place for that, and it would take the spotlight off the couple (in her family, there hasn’t been a baby in three years, so we’d be the first in that time).”
The OP’s fiancée was insistent.
“My fiancée feels that’s the perfect time because it’s such a joy and it’s not like she can keep it away forever.”
“She added that their problems shouldn’t keep her from telling something so positive, so it’s on them if they turn it negative.”
“I told her that’s not the point, she knows what they’ve been through, and she’s being selfish if she actually goes through with that.”
“She cried and claimed I wasn’t being supportive and I shouldn’t be calling my pregnant fiancée selfish.”
“She doesn’t want me to come with her to the wedding anymore either, because she feels as if I would ‘kill the mood.'”
“She hasn’t been talking to me either.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that the timing was terrible and insensitive.
“Oh my god, I thought proposing at a wedding (without the bride and groom’s permission) was bad.”
“This is next-next (x10) level AH behavior. NTA to OP, though.” – De-railled
“As someone with fertility issues, plus two miscarriages… H**L NO.”
“Please, OP, either leave her home or get someone to run interference if you can’t/won’t, because she will absolutely make the announcement anyway. Then no one will see that baby because you will be cut off from that couple. That is one of the most horrible things you can let happen.”
“NOT her wedding, NOT her time to share pregnancy news, ESPECIALLY in front of a couple that is currently unable to have kids. It is so selfish and heartbreaking.”
“When I was struggling to conceive, my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy at THEIR OWN wedding. I was happy for them and told them so, but inside I was dying. I didn’t stay much longer and cried all the way home.”
“And it wasn’t my night, my event, but it still hurt. I can’t imagine that happening at my own wedding, WEEKS after a miscarriage.”
“NTA, OP. Not by a long shot. But you WBTAH if you don’t make sure she will not interfere.” – Rogue1206
“Even without knowing the couple’s struggle with infertility, announcing at someone else’s wedding is super uncool.” – Demmigorgen
“NTA. Hijacking someone’s event to make your own announcement is extremely rude and selfish. Add on that the couple is having trouble getting pregnant themselves, and it’s that times 10.” – SDStartingOut
“I swear, the OP’s partner is like, ‘You know what would be fun, if we announced this at the wedding so we can simultaneously take away from their big day and trigger their latent trauma from their troubles with pregnancy!’ Two birds, one AH.” – pursuitofrandomness9
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to warn others about the announcement.
“I hope OP warns the couple of her plan. I mean he’ll be in hot s**t with his fiancé, but she will absolutely destroy that wedding. NTA.” – LilMoegg
“If SHE won’t tell the family the news ahead of time, to keep some distance from her cousin’s wedding, OP needs to because, it appears, nothing is going to stop her from doing this.”
“NTA, OP but, you WOULD be the AH if you don’t tell the cousin what she’s up to. They deserve to know so they can make a plan for if she tries to pull this.” – bookworm1421
“OP, you need to tell the maid of honor (MOH). If you can also tell the DJ (or have the MOH do it) that would be ideal. Under no circumstances should your fiancée be given a microphone.”
“I hesitate to warn the cousin because even if she finds out five days before, that’s still pretty traumatic and still casts a shadow over her big day. But it’s better than the day of. If you think your fiancée will do it no matter what, warn the cousin. If you think you can stop her, just tell the MOH, DJ, and possibly mother of the bride.” – ShoesAreTheWorst
“If you’re lucky you don’t even need to ruin the pregnancy announcement. You might be able to get away with telling someone, ‘Please, please, for the love of all that is good, don’t let Fiancée make a speech or announcement. I don’t care what she says to you, don’t let it happen.'”
“Of course, whether they will be satisfied with that little info depends on the person but it is worth a try.” – PepperPhoenix
“To be honest, I had a miscarriage in October and got married in December, and that was hard. I can’t imagine what this would feel like.”
“OP, this is your baby, too, so you get to announce the pregnancy just as much as she does. I’d give the cousin a heads up first, then blast it on Facebook (something like, ‘We’re so happy to announce the upcoming arrival of our baby, due…! [Fiancee] and I are thrilled!’), then call the loudest mouth in your fiancée’s family and make sure they know.”
“And if anyone asks you why, explain exactly why you had to do this.”
“You might remind your fiancée that if she does this now, there is no world where she’s going to get the reaction she’s expecting. Nobody is going to be thrilled for her and pat her on the back and fight each other to throw a baby shower for her.”
“Anyone who knows the bride and groom’s background is going to see this as the breathtakingly cruel thing that it is. If her cousin’s friends are worth anything, as soon as she gets the ‘t’ in ‘pregnant’ out of her mouth, she’s going to be summarily escorted off the property.”
“Also, I think your fiancée is using your unborn child as some kind of pawn in her lifelong war against her cousin. If that doesn’t make you pause and think about this, it really, really should. Someone who would do this isn’t mature enough to put her children first.” – Whiteroses7252012
Some even questioned if this was someone the OP should want to marry.
“NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this person? She seems to have zero self-awareness, and when you didn’t leap to three cheers for her stupid idea, she doesn’t want you there because you’ll kill the mood? She definitely loves herself above everyone else, including you.” – Cannabis-afficianado
“NTA, but I feel sorry for that baby because having such a kind of mother is horrible, and OP you made a baby with an entitled selfish AH.” – Commercial-Loan-929
“Fertility issues aside, it is never appropriate to announce anything at someone’s wedding, especially without at least getting permission from the bride and groom.”
“Fiancée wants to steal the spotlight, ask yourself OP, has anything else like this occurred before?” – silfy_star
“Seriously, OP, I am SUPER concerned about the extreme cruelty and self-centeredness of your fiancee. Not only should you NOT marry this horrible woman, but also I would be concerned about her parenting.”
“NTA.” – wisewoman707
“The cherry on top is knowing that the couple getting married is having issues getting pregnant, and yet she still thinks it’s a good idea.”
“She needs to be stopped, OP you need to bring in others to intervene before she opens her trap at the wedding.”
“I really hope this is just hormones from pregnancy and not a habit of selfish thinking.”
“NTA.” – strikethree
The subReddit was as shocked as the OP that his future wife thought for even a moment that her timing of this pregnancy announcement was a good idea. Not only was it rude to steal the spotlight at someone else’s wedding, but it was cruel to throw this news in the face of someone who was still processing their own child loss.