Content Warning: child loss, infertility
There's a universal truth around weddings, and that is to not steal the spotlight from the happy couple.
But this can be made worse if the announcement includes something the happy couple may never have, the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Though he was excited that his fiancée was pregnant, Redditor AnonymousAITAH was appalled when he found out she wanted to share the news at her cousin's wedding, just weeks after her cousin suffered from a miscarriage.
She was so insistent to share the news that day, the Original Poster (OP) knew he had to come up with some way to save the wedding.
He asked the sub:
"AITA For calling my fiancée selfish for wanting to announce her pregnancy at her cousin's wedding?"
The OP and his fiancée disagreed about when to announce their pregnancy.
"My fiancee (29) and I (31 Male) just found out that we're pregnant."
"My fiancée mentioned that she wanted to wait to announce it at her cousin's wedding, which will be taking place on Sunday."
"Her cousin and her husband have been struggling to get pregnant, even with IVF or tons of other options. Recently they just got some news that their insurance has stopped funding IVF, not to mention the heartbreak of a recent miscarriage on Mother's Day. They almost understandably held off on the wedding."
The OP also noted that his fiancée's relationship with her cousin was complicated.
"So about my fiancée and her cousin's relationship. My fiancée always saw competition in her cousin because her cousin would be better at some things than her (like grades, dancing, cosmetics, etc.) since they were kids and she hates that."
"Last year, they had an argument about it because my fiancée felt her cousin bragged too much, whereas my fiancée also mentioned, 'There was one thing her cousin wasn't good at,' but never said what it was."
"So in shorter terms, the relationship is in between good and bad, but her cousin wanted to invite her to the wedding, I'm guessing to rekindle that."
The OP encouraged his fiancée to wait until another time to announce.
"So when my fiancée brought it up to me, I told her it's not at all a good idea. This just seemed so wrong, especially it being at their wedding."
"I asked if she was gonna at least ask her cousin for permission and she said no because she wanted it to be a surprise for everyone."
"I told her it's not the time nor the place for that, and it would take the spotlight off the couple (in her family, there hasn't been a baby in three years, so we'd be the first in that time)."
The OP's fiancée was insistent.
"My fiancée feels that's the perfect time because it's such a joy and it's not like she can keep it away forever."
"She added that their problems shouldn't keep her from telling something so positive, so it's on them if they turn it negative."
"I told her that's not the point, she knows what they've been through, and she's being selfish if she actually goes through with that."
"She cried and claimed I wasn't being supportive and I shouldn't be calling my pregnant fiancée selfish."
"She doesn't want me to come with her to the wedding anymore either, because she feels as if I would 'kill the mood.'"
"She hasn't been talking to me either."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that the timing was terrible and insensitive.
"Oh my god, I thought proposing at a wedding (without the bride and groom's permission) was bad."
"This is next-next (x10) level AH behavior. NTA to OP, though." - De-railled
"As someone with fertility issues, plus two miscarriages… H**L NO."
"Please, OP, either leave her home or get someone to run interference if you can't/won't, because she will absolutely make the announcement anyway. Then no one will see that baby because you will be cut off from that couple. That is one of the most horrible things you can let happen."
"NOT her wedding, NOT her time to share pregnancy news, ESPECIALLY in front of a couple that is currently unable to have kids. It is so selfish and heartbreaking."
"When I was struggling to conceive, my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy at THEIR OWN wedding. I was happy for them and told them so, but inside I was dying. I didn't stay much longer and cried all the way home."
"And it wasn't my night, my event, but it still hurt. I can't imagine that happening at my own wedding, WEEKS after a miscarriage."
"NTA, OP. Not by a long shot. But you WBTAH if you don't make sure she will not interfere." - Rogue1206
"Even without knowing the couple's struggle with infertility, announcing at someone else's wedding is super uncool." - Demmigorgen
"NTA. Hijacking someone's event to make your own announcement is extremely rude and selfish. Add on that the couple is having trouble getting pregnant themselves, and it's that times 10." - SDStartingOut
"I swear, the OP's partner is like, 'You know what would be fun, if we announced this at the wedding so we can simultaneously take away from their big day and trigger their latent trauma from their troubles with pregnancy!' Two birds, one AH." - pursuitofrandomness9
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to warn others about the announcement.
"I hope OP warns the couple of her plan. I mean he'll be in hot s**t with his fiancé, but she will absolutely destroy that wedding. NTA." - LilMoegg
"If SHE won't tell the family the news ahead of time, to keep some distance from her cousin's wedding, OP needs to because, it appears, nothing is going to stop her from doing this."
"NTA, OP but, you WOULD be the AH if you don't tell the cousin what she's up to. They deserve to know so they can make a plan for if she tries to pull this." - bookworm1421
"OP, you need to tell the maid of honor (MOH). If you can also tell the DJ (or have the MOH do it) that would be ideal. Under no circumstances should your fiancée be given a microphone."
"I hesitate to warn the cousin because even if she finds out five days before, that's still pretty traumatic and still casts a shadow over her big day. But it's better than the day of. If you think your fiancée will do it no matter what, warn the cousin. If you think you can stop her, just tell the MOH, DJ, and possibly mother of the bride." - ShoesAreTheWorst
"If you're lucky you don't even need to ruin the pregnancy announcement. You might be able to get away with telling someone, 'Please, please, for the love of all that is good, don't let Fiancée make a speech or announcement. I don't care what she says to you, don't let it happen.'"
"Of course, whether they will be satisfied with that little info depends on the person but it is worth a try." - PepperPhoenix
"To be honest, I had a miscarriage in October and got married in December, and that was hard. I can't imagine what this would feel like."
"OP, this is your baby, too, so you get to announce the pregnancy just as much as she does. I'd give the cousin a heads up first, then blast it on Facebook (something like, 'We're so happy to announce the upcoming arrival of our baby, due…! [Fiancee] and I are thrilled!'), then call the loudest mouth in your fiancée's family and make sure they know."
"And if anyone asks you why, explain exactly why you had to do this."
"You might remind your fiancée that if she does this now, there is no world where she's going to get the reaction she's expecting. Nobody is going to be thrilled for her and pat her on the back and fight each other to throw a baby shower for her."
"Anyone who knows the bride and groom's background is going to see this as the breathtakingly cruel thing that it is. If her cousin's friends are worth anything, as soon as she gets the 't' in 'pregnant' out of her mouth, she's going to be summarily escorted off the property."
"Also, I think your fiancée is using your unborn child as some kind of pawn in her lifelong war against her cousin. If that doesn't make you pause and think about this, it really, really should. Someone who would do this isn't mature enough to put her children first." - Whiteroses7252012
Some even questioned if this was someone the OP should want to marry.
"NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this person? She seems to have zero self-awareness, and when you didn't leap to three cheers for her stupid idea, she doesn't want you there because you'll kill the mood? She definitely loves herself above everyone else, including you." - Cannabis-afficianado
"NTA, but I feel sorry for that baby because having such a kind of mother is horrible, and OP you made a baby with an entitled selfish AH." - Commercial-Loan-929
"Fertility issues aside, it is never appropriate to announce anything at someone's wedding, especially without at least getting permission from the bride and groom."
"Fiancée wants to steal the spotlight, ask yourself OP, has anything else like this occurred before?" - silfy_star
"Seriously, OP, I am SUPER concerned about the extreme cruelty and self-centeredness of your fiancee. Not only should you NOT marry this horrible woman, but also I would be concerned about her parenting."
"NTA." - wisewoman707
"The cherry on top is knowing that the couple getting married is having issues getting pregnant, and yet she still thinks it's a good idea."
"She needs to be stopped, OP you need to bring in others to intervene before she opens her trap at the wedding."
"I really hope this is just hormones from pregnancy and not a habit of selfish thinking."
"NTA." - strikethree
The subReddit was as shocked as the OP that his future wife thought for even a moment that her timing of this pregnancy announcement was a good idea. Not only was it rude to steal the spotlight at someone else's wedding, but it was cruel to throw this news in the face of someone who was still processing their own child loss.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.