In many cases, it's assumed one friend will help out another, no questions asked.
But what happens if helping goes against the very real priorities or struggles of one of those friends?
That was the situation faced by one Redditor, who posted her experience on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as TA_Soft_Suspect6669 on the site, shed light on the expected favor right in the post's title:
"AITA for refusing to go bra shopping with someone?"
OP began by describing the ins and outs of this particular friend dynamic.
"I (20-year-old female) have a friend Asher* who is a MTF (18-year-old) trans woman."
"Our friend group is pretty much all guys and then Asher and myself - so I do find Asher clings to me a lot and messages me constantly."
"Which, is fine. Asher explained to me that she hasn't really had girl friends since she came out."
Then OP shared what would be some relevant background information.
"I have really really bad anxiety; and am very uncomfortable talking about certain topics that (in my opinion) should be private."
"I also have bad body anxiety. It takes a lot for me to go clothes shopping in general, even more so with friends because of the pressure to show them what I try on, etc."
In fact, Asher once saw it for herself.
"Asher and I had already discussed this mildly when she asked me what periods were like while we were out having coffee and I had a panic attack (cause she was asking intimate questions in public)."
"I quickly explained to her that I would be more comfortable typing this conversation but not speaking about it."
"When we did later discuss it, I went into a bit more detail about my anxieties."
But apparently memories fade.
"I had made plans with myself to go bra shopping as I desperately needed new bras (big boobs are a curse - let me tell you that!) and FINALLY had enough money to get a couple. (my work suffered with a recent lockdown)."
"As I was leaving - Asher was arriving; apparently to get my housemate (mutual friend) to teach her something. I said goodbye and went to leave, but Asher asked me where I was going."
"I said I was going to the shops and Asher immediately said she would come with me and reschedule my housemate."
"I tried to wave her off and said I was fine, but she said 'It'll be a girls trip! It'll be so amazing!' "
OP attempted diplomacy.
"I said I would love to come back to the house and get her in an hour, that this was just my 'alone' time."
"Asher kept pushing so I said 'I'm really sorry Asher, but this is private shopping' (no idea how else to say it!)."
"Asher's eyes lit up and she said 'Bra shopping! Yes! I need to learn how to do this! Let's go! We can share a cubicle!.' "
Eventually, OP realized she needed to be firmer.
"I shook my head and told her I wasn't comfortable with that and that I would have enough trouble doing it alone, it would be worse with anyone else, and trailed off cause I wasn't sure what else to say."
"Asher's eyes narrowed and she said 'It's cause I'm trans isn't it?!' "
"When I tried to say 'No' she bought up the fact that I once went with my cousin Laura (she only knows cause she ran into us with the bags)."
"I tried to explain that I'd known Laura since I was 2, and that was different; and we definitely did not share a cubicle!"
"Asher told me I'd 'pay' for my transphobia and left."
"So, AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Most people agreed with OP. They had plenty to say in support of her viewpoint.
"NTA, your friend is insane, and she has no claim on your time. She wants you to respect her trans status, she's right to expect that, and you do."
"Now it's time for her to respect your boundaries and anxiety issues. Her comment about sharing a cubicle, then her reaction, basically amount to a demand that you expose yourself to her."
"It's not your fault that she doesn't have other women friends. She should go make more. What she's been doing to you would wear on anyone." -- harmonytw
"NTA and I was tempted to say consider getting this person out of your life or go low contact. There were a couple of red flags that popped up whilst reading your post but honestly the part at the end where they said 'you would pay' holy sh**."
"A friend does not threaten you never mind the rest of the boundary crossing behaviour they have already exhibited. Get this individual out of your life ASAP." -- SPJ83
"NTA Even when we're natural-born-females, shopping for personal undergarments is NOT a group experience. ESPECIALLY in the larger-than-average size ranges."
"When I am forced to go shopping for bra's, I don't even take my lawfully wedded husband of 25 years with me!!"
"Asher needs to learn this. Things like spa day, mani-pedi, lunch with a group, maybe catch a movie....sure, make a day of it together and have fun. But underwear shopping is personal and private." -- Haunting_Sign_177
"NTA - My god talk about not understanding boundaries. OP you are not the arsehole and you are sure as hell not being transphobic in this situation. Anxiety is real and it can be debilitating sometimes, as you've clearly mentioned here."
"Asher needs to take a long hard look at herself and understand that just because she wants to do something and is comfortable with it, doesn't mean that you have to be automatically" -- ExactingRook2822
"NTA. Bra shopping is almost never a two person job or group activity, silly of them to think it was. And no matter what you were planning on doing, you have every right to choose who you want to bring with you, including no one."
"Now if they had said they wanted your help in bra fitting and selection and could the two of you please schedule an outing for that, that's a different story, but they clearly just wanted to butt in." -- DigDugDogDun
So if she takes these comments to heart, OP can feel a bit better about keeping bra shopping a solo errand.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.