Recipes can be sacred.
So many families take secret recipes to the grave.
Why? Who knows.
For many, food is part of a love language.
A language that can cause a lot of problems.
Redditor bossbabebrit wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for gatekeeping my late aunt’s kugel recipe?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This may sound silly, but I’m in a little family squabble over kugel (a Jewish noodle casserole).”
“Just last week, my aunt passed away.”
“I was home alone with our elderly dog while my husband and kids were away visiting my in-laws.”
“That’s when I found out.”
“So, I was unable to attend the funeral.”
“Less than a month ago, I found my old recipe book that had gone missing 8 years prior during a move.”
“I had searched endlessly for it because it had held my aunt’s coveted Kugel recipe.”
“Over the years, I tried getting the recipe again from her and other family members, but none of them tasted the same.”
“When I found my book and read the recipe, I realized that the reason none of them were the same was because I had written it in her kitchen as we made it together.”
“I wrote down everything she said, including her funny ‘measurements’ like ‘1 cup, or 2… maybe ¼ box.'”
“It wasn’t just a recipe, it was a memory.”
“So, when she passed, I shared the story on Facebook.”
“My cousin, her son, asked for the recipe.”
“Of course, I sent it to him.”
“But then he asked me to post it on my Facebook.”
“He even went as far as saying that if I didn’t do it, he would.”
“I told him it felt odd and asked why.”
“He said it would be nice so that anyone could make it.”
“I usually don’t like gatekeeping, but this feels different.”
“This recipe took me years to recover.”
“Even her own kids didn’t have it.”
“It just feels like something that should stay in the family.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, AITA for not wanting to post it online for everyone?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“I would suggest looking up ‘ring theory.'”
“It basically posits that in a crisis, including the death of a loved one, there are rings surrounding the center of the grief.”
“People in the different rings should ‘comfort in, dump out.'”
“So, for example, if a close friend dies, you should comfort their spouse/children, and seek comfort from others who were less close to the friend than you were.”
“In most (though not all) cases, a son is going to be closer to someone than a niece.”
“The comfort he is seeking is the ability to share something of his mother’s that means something to him – whether or not you think it should mean something to him – without creating drama/strife with you, his cousin.”
“To withhold that comfort from her son, in order to bring yourself comfort, strikes me as cruel.”
“Also, assuming your aunt was a loving mother, I would think she wouldn’t want you to stand in the way of her son doing whatever small actions he thinks will help him cope with her passing.”
“YTA. Unintentionally, but I would never forgive a family member if they tried to put their fairly minor needs above my own while I was coping with the death of a parent.”
“This sort of thing is relationship-destroying.” ~ conbird
“I totally agree with ring theory, and had OP withheld the recipe from the son of the aunt, I would be 100% on the same page.”
“What rubs me the wrong way is that the son has received the recipe from OP, but specifically wants OP to post it on their Facebook.”
“That just seems controlling, when son is already in possession of the recipe and could just post it himself if he wished.”
“YTA. I don’t understand gatekeeping recipes.”
“Wouldn’t your aunt want it shared so many people can enjoy it?”
“And even more, YTA, because her SON, her next of kin, asked you to do it.” ~ Evening-Cry-8233
“Gentle YTA as a Jew who cooks traditional food for the holidays.”
“Anyone who is going to take the time and trouble to make kugel from scratch will be delighted to have this recipe.”
“I don’t want to open a minefield here, but in these times, keeping traditions alive seems especially important and poignant.”
“Why not let your kugel recipe be enjoyed by others?”
“I still have similar handwritten recipes tucked into books by relatives who have passed, and I’d share with anyone who asks. It’s kugel, not a secret sauce.”
“Or the Coca-Cola formula!” ~ Dunesgirl
“I’ve never understood being so precious about family recipes.”
“If it’s good, share it.”
“I’ve shared countless of my great-grandmother’s recipes with friends who’ve asked, and oddly, they still taste just as good when I make them now as they did before I shared them. YTA.” ~ kalequinoa
“Yeah, I had a cousin like this.”
“He refused to share a ‘family recipe’ that was my grandmother’s/his great aunt.”
“Once I really got into baking, I dragged out some old notebooks of my grandmother’s, made the cake, posted a pic of it, and posted the recipe. OP, YTA.” ~ ComeHereBanana
“YTA. That is how treasured family recipes get lost forever.”
“The same goes for those who gatekeep a recipe by handing out a recipe that they say is theirs, but which has a crucial ingredient changed or omitted altogether so that theirs can be ‘the best.'”
“My daughter has tinkered with her grandmother’s Xmas cookie recipe for years, because it wasn’t the same as those my husband remembers.”
“The recipe she handed down to her daughter and DILs has shortening as the fat.”
“It appears that the original called for lard.”
“Vast difference in the texture of the final cookie.” ~ TheFilthyDIL
“This is a problem we have in my family.”
“Everyone who knew the recipes my father grew up with passed before he even married my mother, and anything they had written down before then was lost in a flood.”
“I’ve been trying to recreate my great-grandmother’s biscuits for years, and he has zero information for me.”
“Share your family recipes, you guys.” ~ WinterNocturne
YTA for this crap story.”
“He has the recipe; it is no longer ‘your’ secret. “
“You already opened the gate.”
“He said if you don’t post it, he will.”
“First, then why didn’t he just post it?”
“Second, so it doesn’t matter if you ‘gatekeep’ and don’t post it because he WILL.” ~ mm1palmer
“YTA. You literally only have it based on luck.”
“It obviously wasn’t something you cherished since it was in a box for almost a decade.”
“I hope he posts it, especially after hearing your selfish, super flimsy excuse for not doing it.” ~ Lucky_Volume3819
“YTA. It’s not even your recipe.”
“Her own son wants to share it with the world, and if anything, it’s his decision to make.” ~ Eternalthursday1976
“Soft YTA.”
“If I understand your story right, she wasn’t gatekeeping it.”
“She shared it, but it wasn’t like when you stood there and made it with her.”
“So she did try, just was inaccurate.”
“Considering that she didn’t mind sharing it, and her son is asking you to do this, then I think you should.” ~ angryromancegrrrl
“YTA. You don’t own the recipe.”
“You own that copy of it.”
“If he decides to share his mother’s recipe, it’s not your right to stop him.”
“Keep the sentimental copy you have because that is your memory, but let the rest of the family and her community have the chance to honor her memory.” ~ lungbuttersucker
“YTA. You’re being selfish.”
“Her recipe isn’t particularly unique or special, but the story behind it is, and you’re depriving everyone of it.”
“Get over yourself.” ~ whyisthissticky
“YTA – you already made the decision to share it with your cousin (which was the right call).”
“What he does with his mother’s recipe is his business.”
“I can’t imagine losing my mom, wanting to celebrate her by sharing a lost recipe, and my cousin deciding to make some weird stand about a recipe that’s not hers.”
“All that does is guarantee that it eventually becomes a lost recipe again.” ~ REDDIT
“YTA- recipes are meant to be spread and enjoyed.”
“It’s horrible to gatekeep food, especially when it’s connected to the memory of someone who has passed away.” ~ hero_of_kvatch215
“I don’t actually consider this situation gatekeeping.”
“OP gave it to her cousin, the aunt’s son. I hope that OP would give it to any family member who asked.”
“She should.”
“If she refused to share it with family, then she’d be gatekeeping a recipe that isn’t even hers.”
“But demanding that she post it online is a step too far, in my opinion.”
“I have many family recipes (mostly from both grandmas) and many recipes I have created myself.”
“A friend and I bake for fun and have created several recipes together.”
“I/We share all of those with any family member or friend who asks.”
“I will never post those recipes online.”
“These recipes are shared with people we know and love.”
“I have no desire to make them public.”
“If someone who has one of my/our recipes posted it online, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t throw a fit.”
“The aunt’s son has the recipe and can post it if he chooses.”
“I think overall, OP is NTA for not wanting to post a family recipe on social media.”
“That assumes that she will share it with other family members.” ~ Wackadoodle-do
Reddit has some issues with your choice, OP.
If her kids are cool with it, then maybe it’s not your place to worry about it.
After all, it is just food.
Your memories are yours.
No one can take those away.
Sorry for your loss.