Autism spectrum disorder and ADHD are two forms of neurodivergence that can also be comorbid with each other or other neurodivergent disorders.
Identifying and developing multiple types of coping skills to deal with the overactive senses characteristic of autism or the hyperactivity that comes with ADHD is something families can do for an ASD/ADHD family member.
Having a single coping skill isn’t practical or beneficial in the long run. There will be times and environments where that one coping skill isn’t feasible. And no one else is required, by law or common decency, to accommodate an unreasonable accommodation.
A restaurant owner who was confronted with an unreasonable accommodation request turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback on their response.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Mammoth_Mission_818 asked:
“AITAH for kicking an autistic child out of my restaurant for misbehaving?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My Name is Gina (55, female) from upstate New York, and I run a family owned pizzeria. My husband and I have been in the service industry for decades and over the past few years, we’ve noticed a huge increase in rude customers, rude children and a crazy level of entitlement.”
“One of the rules we have in our restaurant is that nobody is allowed to talk on speaker phone, play music outloud or have anything playing on speaker from a personal device. This is such a simple request and something that has always been the standard.”
“This was not even an issue or something that needed to be said before the pandemic. But now it seems parents feel attacked if their children cannot watch Bluey on volume.”
“We have signs up asking people not to do this and we actually do enforce this rule—politely but firmly.”
“A few weeks ago, a woman was sitting with her 9-year-old son who was watching cartoons on his tablet at full volume, while also scrolling TikTok on a phone. I nicely explained to the woman that we do not allow this, as it is disruptive to other customers and asked her to please turn off the volume.”
“The woman rudely replied that her son has both ADHD and autism so he needs to do this in order to sit down without making a fuss. I asked if she could please use headphones and she snapped that her son does not like to use them.”
“I told her that this is not acceptable and to please either use headphones or set his devices to silent.”
“About 10 minutes later, I was in the kitchen and heard loud banging noises coming from the dining room. I came out to find the child furiously banging his fists on the table while the mom just sat there ignoring it.”
“It was almost as if he was waiting for her to say something, but she did nothing. I asked her to please stop him and she replied that he is on the spectrum and this is just his ‘normal behavior’ if he doesn’t have a device to calm him down.”
“The boy then stood up and started running around my restaurant, punching and kicking the other tables and chairs, and knocking things over. Another customer yelled at the mom to ‘CONTROL YOUR KID OR I WILL!’.”
“She launched into a what sounded like a pre rehearsed monologue about how autistic children deserve to occupy the same spaces as everyone else. I agree with this, but everyone still needs to behave appropriately.”
“I told the woman that if she could not get her son’s behavior under control that she needs to leave. She was furious and stared yelling about how it is illegal to discriminate against people who are on the spectrum and that she would report me.”
“My husband came out, put her food into a togo box and just said to her, ‘Get out right now!’. She looked genuinely shocked and said that kids should not be expected to just sit quietly and that the world needs to be more accepting of those who are different.”
“I love kids, my husband and I raised 5 of them, even one with special needs. But autism or not, nothing gives you the right to behave this way in any setting.”
“If your child’s issues are so severe that simply sitting in a restaurant without a device makes them freak out and throw a tantrum, then maybe reconsider taking them there in the first place.”
“I’m tired of rude kids and lazy parents who embolden them to behave this way, refusing to discipline them or set any kind of rules or boundaries. This is not about ADHD, autism, or any other condition.”
“This is about entitlement, bad parenting and bad behavior as a result.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“You know who else would hate someone behaving like that in a public space they expected to be quieter? Someone with autism.” ~ Egoy
“OMG, thank you for this. I am autistic, and this boy’s mom is setting him up for failure. I am so angry at her.” ~ Ughlockedout
“As an autistic parent to an autistic child, this infuriates me. My child needs electronics too, and she will also melt down if she can’t have regular access to them, but that doesn’t give me or her a free pass to go scorched earth on a whole damn restaurant!”
“She either listens on barely audible volume or with headphones—and if she had the nerve to make a scene like that, she would have her tablet taken away. I do expect some level of understanding with my kid, but I also grant common decency and respect.”
“This tw*twaffle of a mother makes the rest of us look like we can’t deal.” ~ FabulousPossession73
“NTA. My cousin has down syndrome but his parents never let him throw tantrum in public, they will take him home immediately. He might talk a bit too loud when he’s excited, but if we start whisper talk, he will whisper talk too.”
“And that’s all we need to do since he was taught not to bang on the table or make loud noises. It’s not the autism, it’s the lousy parents.” ~ AcanthisittaNo9122
“My only criticism of you is your comments about the child. As an autistic person, I can tell you we’d love to be able to shut off meltdowns.”
“If he’s really neurodivergent, this isn’t a child choosing to be rude. It’s a child having a sensory overload who hasn’t been given adequate coping tools by an entitled, ignorant parent who is doing way more harm than good.”
“Yes, I’ve dealt with kids who are rude and obnoxious, but this kid isn’t choosing this. His useless mother is choosing to not bother to be a parent, using her kid’s diagnosis to demand special treatment so she can feel special—there’s a lot of these attention whores among the parents of kids with illnesses or disorders.”
“Blame the parents, not the kid.” MohawMais
“I’ve been reading all the comments thinking if this is even a medium-sized restaurant, I bet there was at least one other person on the spectrum there while this was happening.”
“Possibly one who WAS appropriately prepared for the experience, who was working hard to extend their own ability to tolerate the stimuli of dining out.”
“One who was using appropriate coping mechanisms—and it was made much more difficult for them to enjoy their own experience.” ~ Indigo_S0UL
“I’m on the autism spectrum with bonus ADHD, and it’s gotten to the point where I will often leave a restaurant before even sitting down if there are young children present.”
“It’s just not worth the risk that a parent will let their child scream and run around and blow bubbles in their drink and use silverware like drumsticks even if they aren’t watching a cartoon on blast (which is thankfully uncommon where I live).”
“And I was a super annoying child, so I understand the struggle, but this is literally why kid’s menus at restaurants (at least used to) come with activities and a couple of crayons.” ~ DazeDawning
“My ADHD sensory kid doesn’t love headphones, but he vastly prefers them to a loud restaurant or not being able to distract himself with anything (and we don’t allow him to have the volume on without headphones in public).”
“I get the sensory piece, but the noise from the iPad drives me nuts, and I can’t be the only one. This mom clearly didn’t have a backup plan or want one.” ~ itsthedurf
“I have an autistic son. When he was younger (4/5ish) he was AWFUL in restaurants. So, guess what we did? We didn’t go out to eat.”
“Some people will say I deprived him of experiences but I see it as I avoided triggers. Guess what?”
“He is a well-behaved 24-year-old who wasn’t traumatized because he didn’t get to go out to eat for a few years. We were ALL much happier.” ~ Pinepark
“My kids weren’t even autistic. I still couldn’t take them to restaurants until they were at least 10 years old. I just wouldn’t go.”
“One time, my wife wanted to treat me to a birthday dinner at a restaurant, and my 7-year-old cried and whined the whole time. Worst birthday present ever.”
“I still love my wife and love my kids. I just didn’t like going out to eat for 12 years (until the youngest turned 10).”
“There are kid-friendly restaurants, though, the ones with the play areas.” ~ musicCaster
Many autistic people and other neurodivergent people backed the restaurant owner’s reaction.
However they placed the blame and responsibility on the parents, not the child.