Autism spectrum disorder and ADHD are two forms of neurodivergence that can also be comorbid with each other or other neurodivergent disorders.
Identifying and developing multiple types of coping skills to deal with the overactive senses characteristic of autism or the hyperactivity that comes with ADHD is something families can do for an ASD/ADHD family member.
Having a single coping skill isn't practical or beneficial in the long run. There will be times and environments where that one coping skill isn't feasible. And no one else is required, by law or common decency, to accommodate an unreasonable accommodation.
A restaurant owner who was confronted with an unreasonable accommodation request turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback on their response.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Mammoth_Mission_818 asked:
"AITAH for kicking an autistic child out of my restaurant for misbehaving?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My Name is Gina (55, female) from upstate New York, and I run a family owned pizzeria. My husband and I have been in the service industry for decades and over the past few years, we've noticed a huge increase in rude customers, rude children and a crazy level of entitlement."
"One of the rules we have in our restaurant is that nobody is allowed to talk on speaker phone, play music outloud or have anything playing on speaker from a personal device. This is such a simple request and something that has always been the standard."
"This was not even an issue or something that needed to be said before the pandemic. But now it seems parents feel attacked if their children cannot watch Bluey on volume."
"We have signs up asking people not to do this and we actually do enforce this rule—politely but firmly."
"A few weeks ago, a woman was sitting with her 9-year-old son who was watching cartoons on his tablet at full volume, while also scrolling TikTok on a phone. I nicely explained to the woman that we do not allow this, as it is disruptive to other customers and asked her to please turn off the volume."
"The woman rudely replied that her son has both ADHD and autism so he needs to do this in order to sit down without making a fuss. I asked if she could please use headphones and she snapped that her son does not like to use them."
"I told her that this is not acceptable and to please either use headphones or set his devices to silent."
"About 10 minutes later, I was in the kitchen and heard loud banging noises coming from the dining room. I came out to find the child furiously banging his fists on the table while the mom just sat there ignoring it."
"It was almost as if he was waiting for her to say something, but she did nothing. I asked her to please stop him and she replied that he is on the spectrum and this is just his 'normal behavior' if he doesn't have a device to calm him down."
"The boy then stood up and started running around my restaurant, punching and kicking the other tables and chairs, and knocking things over. Another customer yelled at the mom to 'CONTROL YOUR KID OR I WILL!'."
"She launched into a what sounded like a pre rehearsed monologue about how autistic children deserve to occupy the same spaces as everyone else. I agree with this, but everyone still needs to behave appropriately."
"I told the woman that if she could not get her son's behavior under control that she needs to leave. She was furious and stared yelling about how it is illegal to discriminate against people who are on the spectrum and that she would report me."
"My husband came out, put her food into a togo box and just said to her, 'Get out right now!'. She looked genuinely shocked and said that kids should not be expected to just sit quietly and that the world needs to be more accepting of those who are different."
"I love kids, my husband and I raised 5 of them, even one with special needs. But autism or not, nothing gives you the right to behave this way in any setting."
"If your child's issues are so severe that simply sitting in a restaurant without a device makes them freak out and throw a tantrum, then maybe reconsider taking them there in the first place."
"I'm tired of rude kids and lazy parents who embolden them to behave this way, refusing to discipline them or set any kind of rules or boundaries. This is not about ADHD, autism, or any other condition."
"This is about entitlement, bad parenting and bad behavior as a result."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"You know who else would hate someone behaving like that in a public space they expected to be quieter? Someone with autism." ~ Egoy
"OMG, thank you for this. I am autistic, and this boy's mom is setting him up for failure. I am so angry at her." ~ Ughlockedout
"As an autistic parent to an autistic child, this infuriates me. My child needs electronics too, and she will also melt down if she can't have regular access to them, but that doesn't give me or her a free pass to go scorched earth on a whole damn restaurant!"
"She either listens on barely audible volume or with headphones—and if she had the nerve to make a scene like that, she would have her tablet taken away. I do expect some level of understanding with my kid, but I also grant common decency and respect."
"This tw*twaffle of a mother makes the rest of us look like we can't deal." ~ FabulousPossession73
"NTA. My cousin has down syndrome but his parents never let him throw tantrum in public, they will take him home immediately. He might talk a bit too loud when he's excited, but if we start whisper talk, he will whisper talk too."
"And that's all we need to do since he was taught not to bang on the table or make loud noises. It's not the autism, it's the lousy parents." ~ AcanthisittaNo9122
"My only criticism of you is your comments about the child. As an autistic person, I can tell you we'd love to be able to shut off meltdowns."
"If he's really neurodivergent, this isn't a child choosing to be rude. It's a child having a sensory overload who hasn't been given adequate coping tools by an entitled, ignorant parent who is doing way more harm than good."
"Yes, I've dealt with kids who are rude and obnoxious, but this kid isn't choosing this. His useless mother is choosing to not bother to be a parent, using her kid's diagnosis to demand special treatment so she can feel special—there's a lot of these attention whores among the parents of kids with illnesses or disorders."
"Blame the parents, not the kid." MohawMais
"I've been reading all the comments thinking if this is even a medium-sized restaurant, I bet there was at least one other person on the spectrum there while this was happening."
"Possibly one who WAS appropriately prepared for the experience, who was working hard to extend their own ability to tolerate the stimuli of dining out."
"One who was using appropriate coping mechanisms—and it was made much more difficult for them to enjoy their own experience." ~ Indigo_S0UL
"I'm on the autism spectrum with bonus ADHD, and it's gotten to the point where I will often leave a restaurant before even sitting down if there are young children present."
"It's just not worth the risk that a parent will let their child scream and run around and blow bubbles in their drink and use silverware like drumsticks even if they aren't watching a cartoon on blast (which is thankfully uncommon where I live)."
"And I was a super annoying child, so I understand the struggle, but this is literally why kid's menus at restaurants (at least used to) come with activities and a couple of crayons." ~ DazeDawning
"My ADHD sensory kid doesn't love headphones, but he vastly prefers them to a loud restaurant or not being able to distract himself with anything (and we don't allow him to have the volume on without headphones in public)."
"I get the sensory piece, but the noise from the iPad drives me nuts, and I can't be the only one. This mom clearly didn't have a backup plan or want one." ~ itsthedurf
"I have an autistic son. When he was younger (4/5ish) he was AWFUL in restaurants. So, guess what we did? We didn't go out to eat."
"Some people will say I deprived him of experiences but I see it as I avoided triggers. Guess what?"
"He is a well-behaved 24-year-old who wasn't traumatized because he didn't get to go out to eat for a few years. We were ALL much happier." ~ Pinepark
"My kids weren't even autistic. I still couldn't take them to restaurants until they were at least 10 years old. I just wouldn't go."
"One time, my wife wanted to treat me to a birthday dinner at a restaurant, and my 7-year-old cried and whined the whole time. Worst birthday present ever."
"I still love my wife and love my kids. I just didn't like going out to eat for 12 years (until the youngest turned 10)."
"There are kid-friendly restaurants, though, the ones with the play areas." ~ musicCaster
Many autistic people and other neurodivergent people backed the restaurant owner's reaction.
However they placed the blame and responsibility on the parents, not the child.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp