Content Warning: Graphic Car Accident Details, Late Parents, Autopsy, Biopsy
While it’s morbid to think about, we’ve more than likely all entertained answers to the question, “If we could learn when and how we die, would we want to know?”
But another important question that most of us don’t think about until it’s already arrived is, questioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, would we want that information about our loved ones if given the chance?
Redditor bleedingtrees_ lost his stepfather, who he loved like his father, in a sudden car crash that likely involved alcohol, and in pursuit of feeling closure, he wanted to know the details of the accident and his stepfather’s death.
Knowing that his mother had access to the autopsy report and court records, he asked her to share the information, but the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when she made him about to be the bad guy by wanting to know.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for calling my mom selfish for refusing to let me see my stepdad’s autopsy report?”
The OP was reeling after he found out that his mother knew what happened to his stepdad during his fatal accident.
“I (18 Male) recently had an argument with my mom after I found out she has basically all the knowledge of my dad’s death. All everyone else knows is it was just a car accident.”
“As it turns out, he was ill, but she won’t tell me anything about the illness he was dealing with. It was a drunk driving accident, but she won’t tell me if he was also drinking. His final words are also in the court document, but she won’t even tell me what he said.”
“She says she can’t bear to show something like that to her kids and the people who loved him because she barely stomached it herself. And yet, she keeps dropping hints and reminding us that she knows, only to tell us that it hurts too much to elaborate further.”
The OP didn’t want to be saved from the pain. He wanted answers.
“I get where she’s coming from, but as someone who also loves him, I think I and anyone who was close to him deserves to know. He wasn’t a stepdad to me; he was my father.”
“I told her she has no right to refuse that type of information, especially when I’m literally ASKING her to tell me. I dread seeing the gory details, but I want to push through and know what made him suffer.”
“She got so upset with me that she cried and said she was only trying to help. But it’s not like she’s making this easier in the first place by casually mentioning that a disease was found in his report and that that’s what kicked off the whole issue.”
“If you don’t want anyone to be subjected to what you were subjected to yourself, then maybe don’t make everyone around you sick with worry and lead them to ask questions.”
The OP’s mother refused to answer, the OP refused to move on.
“For those who might think I should let her grieve in peace, she isn’t the only one hurting, and she shouldn’t have mentioned the reports if she was going to refuse to elaborate.”
“You can’t just drop a bombshell about someone being ill or that only you know what someone’s final words were and then wonder why I would also like to know.”
“I’m not badgering her, but she starts conversations herself, sprinkling details without ever saying anything more and being mad when I ask questions.”
“It’s been two days since the argument, and she’s still refusing to let me see his report.”
“I can’t stand not knowing about his last moments… his last words being in that report. It kills me that I loved him so much and that I may never know.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP could gather the answers he wanted himself.
“You’re an adult. Go to the county and get the report yourself. It’s public record. Call the funeral home. Call the police department that took care of the accident.” – wickednonna
“Reality can sometimes be horrifying, but I can guarantee that my imagination is worse. OP is softly NTA. They deserve closure.” – Ash-Machine-69
“The OP’s mother needs to stop teasing information. Either the OP should know the details of what happened or he shouldn’t.”
“Dangling information and then running a mile is immature, and it’s inhumane, like strapping a dog to a treadmill, accelerating it, and dangling a piece of meat out of its reach. Only this is instead information about someone the OP loved deeply, and that meat is the closure he might never get.” – King-starscream-fics
“By going through your mom, you’re not just asking to see the document. You’re forcing your mom to reopen wounds she’s been working on healing.”
“Get the report on your own, and it would be best to never tell her that you did. And don’t assume you’re owed a conversation with her about it if the information inside hurts too much.” – krakenkraken
“I’m backing you up on this one, OP. But…”
“When my hubby’s bio dad passed, what we found out was horrible. He drank himself to death. He was dead in his trailer at a campground he used to like to stay at for a week in the summer. The smell is why he was checked on. He was already decomposing when found.”
“His b***h of a stepmother made sure my hubby learned every last detail. She had left his father because of the drinking. She wanted what he got in the divorce and was coming to my husband. So she told him all of these details at the funeral before asking for the money.”
“I was left at home because I was sick. He didn’t want me traveling back home, and his mom was going to be with him. I think that’s the only time in 32 years of knowing her she’s ever lost it on someone. I’m proud of her.”
“My FIL (his stepfather) passed a few years before. We had to go through all of reports for the VA even though he passed in the hospital. Agent Orange did a number on him. Because of growing up in my dad’s activism for it, I was at least prepared for the findings.”
“Since he’s your stepdad, the illness most likely won’t affect you. Maybe just find out what his last words were. Let your mom get past the initial grief and shock, and then find out.”
“I get why you want to know. You think it’ll be closure. But it really just opens up more what-ifs.”
“It would be beneficial for her to tell you so she has some support. Encourage her to go to grief counseling. Be willing to sit in on sessions to support her. She may be more likely to open up in that setting.”
“But yes, once the investigation is over, it’s public record, and you can ask for the police report.” – Alycion
But others cautioned the OP, warning him to not ask questions he didn’t want the answer to.
“OP, do proceed with caution. It sounds like your mother is trying to protect you from something.”
“It’s your choice as an adult, and you can get your hands on that information if you choose to do so, but… there are things that you just can’t unlearn.” – BurgerThyme
“Honey, be careful what you wish for. I got all of the grisly details of my father’s cause of death from my brother. It was horrific.”
“It took him hours to pass by himself. He drowned in his own blood when his esophagus collapsed due to 14 years of alcoholism.”
“I don’t have the luxury of ‘unknowing’ that.”
“I found out later he knew he was dying for eight months and said nothing. I was 26, now 60… I’m still horrified.” – wonkiefaeriekitty5
“My younger sister demanded I tell her everything in our mom’s autopsy report and then got super upset when I told her. It didn’t even occur to me not to tell her, but honestly… What does OP even hope to get out of it? You may think it will be closure, but it’s more likely to be pointless extra trauma.” – annaflixion
“OP, please understand that this information will only bring you closure if it’s, in a sense, positive information. Otherwise, it will only hurt you more.”
“About 10 years ago, a guy my coworker was dating died in a car accident. My husband worked for the hospital he was brought to, and she begged me to find out more information. My husband couldn’t look up anything in the system (HIPAA), but he did ask the trauma team about the MVA they’d had the night before.”
“We were able to pass on that the police/EMTs had told them they thought he’d fallen asleep at the wheel, was unconscious at the scene, and never regained consciousness. He coded between the helipad and imaging, and they couldn’t get him back.”
“Knowing all of that was comforting to her, because she was able to find out that he more than likely didn’t suffer, or if he did, it was extremely brief. She was driving herself crazy imagining him in pain and being scared and her not being at his side.”
“Unfortunately, OP has no way of knowing before if the information will be comforting or not, but even if it’s not, he could also just be someone who likes to know, even if it’s horrible. I’m actually the same way; knowing the medical details of what happened helps me process the reality of what happened.” – itsthedurf
“Part of my job is reading autopsy reports. I’m used to both mundane and graphic.”
“That said: some deaths are horrific. Once you know the details, you cannot un-learn them. Deaths by fire, bleed-outs, dead-on-impact vehicle collisions generally fall into ‘horrific.'”
“I have chosen not to read my own father’s autopsy report: I had medical power of attorney and had full knowledge of his directives, but I had to make the final decision when the time came.”
“I don’t want to know because I don’t want to learn if a different decision would have changed the outcome. I don’t want to know. If I think things are different than what I was told, I cannot un-ring those bells.”
“Knowledge isn’t always power and isn’t always peace. It can also be unimaginable horrors and regrets.” – Opinion8Her
“I requested my sister’s report after the news said drugs or alcohol weren’t suspected to be the cause of her car accident. It turns out her BAC was 0.12% at the time of the accident. Now, I feel guilt and anger.”
“Guilt because she hit someone head-on, and they even came to her funeral to pay their respects. The people she hit are struggling. The man now walks with a cane, and his 13-year-old daughter has to live with seeing my sister’s lifeless body being pulled out of a car that was on fire.”
“Anger because we were all under the impression that she had been sober. Some things are best to be unknown.” – agood1021
Some subRedditors empathized with the OP and understood why he would want more information to give himself closure via answered questions.
But others cautioned the OP, some sharing their own experiences, and pointed out that while seeking closure, the OP might wind up with more trauma than he has now with information he wouldn’t be able to unsee.