No one is perfect, and while we can honor and even appreciate that, we also have to understand that sometimes our imperfections can inconvenience or hurt other people.
When what we do hurts other people, we either have to let go of the behavior or we have to let go of the relationship, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Impossible-Mud2449 had gone through a lot of troubling times with her husband because of his drinking habits and his refusal to respect her boundaries.
But when he went so far as to put salad croutons into their baby's baby formula instead of baby cereal while he was drunk, the Original Poster (OP) banned him from taking care of their baby alone.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my husband I'll divorce him after finding croutons in our baby's formula?"
The OP had a terrible start to her day because of her husband drinking the night before.
"This morning, I (31 Female) woke up to find my husband (43 Male) not in our bed. I figured he fell asleep on the couch like he often does after drinking."
"I was slightly annoyed because he's responsible for bringing the baby monitor into our room with him since he stays up much later than me. Since he didn't come into our room, the baby monitor never did either, and our nine-month-old is getting over an ear infection and has been waking up crying once a night (I can't hear this without the monitor as both doors are shut and I have a fan running)."
"As I was making the baby's bottle this morning, I opened the pantry to find a bag of croutons I had made inside the formula, with a few croutons loose in the formula, and the top of the formula container gone. I became instantly furious."
The OP's husband had a recurring habit of breaking promises and crossing boundaries.
"For context, before we had our kids (a toddler and an infant), my husband said he'd stop drinking once we had kids."
"When I was pregnant with our first, I'd wake to a loud noise and would walk out to find my husband passed out on the floor, so intoxicated he fell asleep on a chair sitting up and fell onto the floor and still, did not wake up. This happened at least three times. Since then, I've found him passed out on the couch several times, and passed out in the toilet a handful of times."
"On New Year's Day, we had a serious talk about him needing to slow down/stop the drinking, as I was at my wits' end with it. I told him then that if we had to have this talk again, it would be a much different talk."
"Since then, I've found him on the toilet at least once, and just six weeks ago, I woke up one morning, thinking a homeless person had rummaged through our cupboards. There was lettuce all over the kitchen, a cereal bag that looked like someone chewed through it to open it and then poured a bowl onto the floor, and I found my raincoat soaking up a random mess in the entryway."
"I'm not joking when I say I checked the security cameras, thinking someone broke in and had a feast while we slept. He tried to blame it on the two-year-old, but the folded-up cereal box was a dead giveaway."
The croutons in the baby formula were the final straw for the OP.
"So that brings me to today. He told me he had two drinks and didn't know how he ended up in the guest bedroom or why and thought it was our bed. But the guest bed didn't even have any sheets or pillowcases on it."
"Then finding the croutons was really just the tipping point. I confronted him and told him what I found and that there's no way he only had two drinks and ended up doing something like this (he's six feet, four inches tall, and 265 pounds)."
"He swears that's all he had, and I told him if he doesn't stop drinking, I'm filing for divorce."
"He went to work, and we finally talked after the kids went to bed. He said I'm overreacting, he doesn't have a problem, and it's not fair to give him that ultimatum."
"I told him it's my life, too, and I don't have to stay in a marriage where I don't like the level of drinking, especially with two young boys."
"If anything, I could have waited until tonight to have a better talk, but I think he needed to know this morning how serious I am in order for him to make a change."
"If he doesn't make a change, I'm keeping my word and will file."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood what the OP was feeling and reassured her that she was NTA.
"The OP might be worried about the house being unsafe for her baby, but it's already unsafe."
"I know finding croutons in the formula isn't the same as setting the house on fire, but it's still unsafe. Contaminated formula could cause a lot of problems for the child. What if it had been something else that got added to the container and she hadn't noticed?" - Emmie12750
"Her house is NOT safe with a drunk adult in it! That man could trip and fall on a kid, he could start a fire, he could do or say something emotionally scarring. You have to protect those kids from his alcoholism." - Candid-Ability-9570
"As someone who was married to and had children with an alcoholic, honestly, it is likely nothing will change until something drastic happens. It is your choice right now if that will be because you decide to stand up for yourself and your children."
"You have shown your partner that they can take advantage of you. Time to show your kids a mother who is strong and who will protect them at all costs. You do not get this time back." - sittinwithkitten
"Separate now, and let him sort out his drinking. Your baby is not safe in this household, and you don't need all the extra work of cleaning up after your drunk husband."
"If he can't sober up convincingly, then it's divorce." - DrunkOnRedCarpet
"You might as well call a lawyer because he isn't going to stop. What he will do is get sneakier and hide his drinking. People with substance abuse problems have to really want to quit."
"He isn't there, and I doubt threats are going to make him want to quit. People like that will lose everything before quitting. You can't make someone quit drinking." - mcmurrml
"Your husband is in a place with his addiction where he could kill your children due to his intoxication. What happens if he picks up the baby and stumbles to the ground, passing out? Your baby could easily die from blunt force trauma."
"Make an ultimatum: AA, he lives outside of the home, and with proven sobriety, you can consider trusting him again. Don't risk your baby's life. Don't do it. Please, I beg you, keep them safe."
"I know this is hard. NTA." - inmylovelydreamera
"Five years ago, we were at a family-friendly New Year's Eve party, where the kids all partied upstairs and the adults partied downstairs. I'm not normally a big drinker, but I got pulled into party drinking games (my fault), and had way more than I should have."
"I ended up spending the rest of the night puking in their bathroom. My kids witnessed this, and I am mortified. They still bring it up from time to time, still five years later."
"And that was only a single time. I can't imagine my kids having to witness scenes like that on a regular basis." - PurplePufferPea
Others hoped that the OP would set boundaries for herself and her baby.
"Boundaries only work if they're enforced. When are you going to put actions to your words?"
"He said he would stop drinking when you got pregnant, but he didn't."
"You asked him to stop drinking because you were at your wits' end, but he didn't."
"You told him if you had to have the talk again, it would be a more serious talk, but then you find him two more times having been drunk as f**k. Now he's lying about his drinking and trying to blame your CHILDREN for his behavior. AKA: ...He didn't."
"So when are you going to enforce the boundary you set? You're not following through, so he has no reason to change. He's an alcoholic, and he's not at a place where he can admit that."
"He's lying about his drunk behavior, he's lying about how much he drinks, and now he's downplaying a very serious situation to gaslight you into believing he's fine and make you feel guilty for pointing out his drinking problem."
"He does have a problem, people only drink regularly until they pass out like that if they're an alcoholic. He cannot admit he has a problem because then he'd feel obligated to do something about it. You cannot change him or force him to change himself because then he'll just try to hide it from you."
"Ask yourself, do you love him and want him in your life and your children's lives as the person he is right now, or do you feel like his behavior makes you and your kids unsafe in your own home? If you can't accept his alcoholism, then you should leave for the sake of your and your kids' mental health and well-being."
"Being raised by an alcoholic is traumatizing, and it takes a long-term toll on both the children and the partner who's putting up with it. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, it never works out."
"Source: a person raised by an alcoholic parent." - theOTHERdimension
"Seriously, OP, one day you may have the urge to start encouraging your kids not to talk, to save you from this. This will have horrible repercussions on your kids for the rest of their lives, and they will never tell anyone anything, even if someone is hurting them." - Outrageous_Tie8471
"OP, wait till your toddler tells a teacher or another adult that their daddy is passed out drunk a lot. That he was naked, vomiting, etc. Kids say things as they are. They don't filter the truth because this is the life that they are living."
"You might find your home deemed not safe for kids. This option may be taken out of your hands, OP."
"I hope for the sake of the kids that you put them first and not your partner." - disconnectmenow
"It took me close to two decades and lots of therapy to finally forgive my mom for staying with an abusive alcoholic for too long. We have a great relationship now, but for a long time,e I thought she was a horrible person for choosing to keep her children in that environment."
"My thoughts about her, and the way I spoke about her, were very unkind. My thoughts, when I let myself think about the alcoholic, remain very unkind. Don't put your kids through what I went through." - LAPL620
"If the OP doesn't do this, THEN she will be the AH."
"They will also come to resent OP, consciously or unconsciously. She may well end up with kids who won't speak to her one day. Put bluntly, her behaviour is that of a codependent enabler at the expense of her children right now. She is choosing to enable an adult addict while offering the kids as a sacrifice to make that happen."
"Having kids with an alcoholic on the promise of sobriety was a HUGE mistake. It's now time for OP to fix this situation. She is endangering her own kids by letting this go on. They will end up with severe psychological issues without question."
"It's time to actually take some action. No more chances for this time. An exit plan is the only thing needed here. These kids need one parent who is actually protecting them. Right now, they don't have one." - The_Nice_Marmot
The subReddit was alarmed by all of the boundaries that the OP's husband had already crossed, and they hoped that the croutons in the baby formula would be the final straw.
It was time for the husband to prove that he wanted to be in the OP's and his baby's lives by putting their needs before his impulses.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp