There’s a saying:
“Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.”
I don’t know if I’d go that far.
But many of my family traditions once had federal laws—the Indian Acts—that banned them until the 1970s-1990s. Upholding our traditions feels more like an act of rebellion than conformity, so maybe I’m biased when it comes to family traditions.
A woman being pressured by her in-laws to follow their family tradition turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
After_Ad3961 asked:
“AITA for not following my husband’s family tradition?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband (29, male) comes from a very traditional family. While we disagree with his family on many things, it has never really been an issue until now.”
“I (28, female) am currently 8 months pregnant and my husband and I couldn’t be happier as we’ve been trying for a while. Since I first found out I was pregnant, we’ve been discussing names for our child.”
“In my husband’s family, the tradition wants the child to be named after his grandfather. Basically, first-born men in his family only have one of two names: James or Henry.”
“My husband’s grandfather was James, so his name is James too. My husband’s father is called Henry, so our child should be too. And so on and so forth.”
“It’s only the first-born male of the first-born male, etc… So technically my husband’s aunts and uncles didn’t have to name their children James.”
“But they still often give either James or Henry as a middle name, and sometimes as a first name. My husband has a bunch of cousins with those names as either their middle or first name.”
“But my husband and I didn’t really feel like calling our child Henry, and although it’s a beautiful way to honor family members, we really wanted our child to have a name that would be personal, that would truly be his.”
“So we chose another name, and decided to wait until after the birth to reveal it to everyone. It’s Oliver! I’ve loved this name forever and we feel like it really matches our spirit, plus we love a somewhat classic name.”
“This week, my mother-in-law came to visit us and help us set up for the baby. She brought us some presents, amongst which was a bunch of clothes on which she hand embroidered the name Henry.”
“I said that it was nice and thanked her for it, but told her that we wouldn’t be naming our child Henry, as we had already told her in the past. She started insisting and saying that it was a tradition so it had to be that way.”
“We had already told his family back when we announced that we were expecting—or when we announced we were having a boy, I don’t exactly remember. I don’t know if they thought it was a joke and were in denial or if they were trying to manipulate us so that we’d change our minds, but yeah it was already established that our son wouldn’t be Henry.”
“I explained to her that we’d rather give our child a name that we chose, and that Henry could be his middle name.”
“She immediately went to my husband and started saying things like ‘you’re not going to let her do that to our family’ and making it very dramatic, saying that I was breaking a tradition that went back hundreds of years—honestly, not sure about that.”
“We hyphenated our last names back when we got married. They weren’t happy about that one either…”
“My husband tried to explain that we both agreed on the name, and all the reasons why we made that choice, but she wouldn’t listen. She suggested that we name him Henry on paper, as his legal name, and then call him something else.”
“But I thought that would be confusing for him and told her that he would be named what we chose.”
“She kept begging my husband and saying that I was ruining the family tradition, and at one point I lost it—which is partially to blame on hormones I think—and told her that it was our child, so we could do what we wanted, and we didn’t have to follow a stupid tradition.”
“She stormed out and my husband has since received texts from his father and sister accusing me of making his mother feel really bad and some other stuff that I don’t really remember.”
“He’s been trying to push back, but his family won’t listen and they’re convinced that I manipulated him or something… But at least he’s standing up to them, so there’s that.”
“I get the importance of tradition and it can be really beautiful, but also I feel like that shouldn’t be an obligation and it’s okay to change things.”
We won’t change our baby’s name because we’re really set on that, but maybe we were wrong for not following the tradition?”
“I’m not entirely sure, and am mentally exhausted by all this drama…”
The OP summed up their situation.
“We might be a**holes for not naming our baby Henry after the family tradition and refusing to reconsider it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“I will never understand this. What if your family had the same tradition? Who wins? NTA in the slightest. Congratulations on your pregnancy and give your sweet boy whatever name you and your husband choose!” ~ NojaysCita
“Tell your in-laws that the thousand year long tradition in your family is that the mother and father of the baby chose the name and you’ll be following your family’s tradition. NTA.” ~ SadFlatworm1436
“Tell them that your family has a tradition of giving each child their own name, and you decided to go with that tradition. NTA.” ~ Putrid_Performer2509
“Husband needs to be telling his god-awful parents off. Never let your parents bully your spouse.”
“It’s not like his parents are going to spontaneously combust because he stood up to their crappy behavior. NTA.” ~ OrNothingAtAll
“I work in finance and deal a lot with older clients and their beneficiaries. People with money love naming their kids after themselves.”
“We have a family here that has a huge trust. All the grandkids are in it. All of the male grandkids have the same f*cking name.”
“Literally five of them have the same name because of a ‘tradition’ similar to this. The paperwork is an absolute nightmare, and all of them have had multiple issues because there are three male generations of this family that all have multiple members that all have the same name.”
“NTA. Avoid this bullsh*t.” ~ SeriousEye5864
“My half-brother was a ‘the third’ and his father, the second, took out a mortgage, boat, and several car loans in his name. He was burdened with terrible credit when he was 23 and trying to start his own life.”
“NTA. Tradition is manipulation at its finest.” ~ finley111819
“Oh, man, this was me. Anything my partner did that they didn’t like = my fault. Any disagreement about anything was because of my brainwashing them.”
“I was like, ‘I can’t even get them to hang up their towel after a shower, so I’m not sure where this is coming from’.” ~ thesturdygerman
“Yeah, same. We had only been dating 6 months tops, but I was the reason my now spouse left the church.”
“At one point, my now father-in-law said that Spouse apologized to me too much. Which was actually hilarious because at the same time my mom was like, ‘why do you need to talk every decision over with Spouse? Just do what you want!’.”
“All because I decided against getting a quilt in a pattern I knew Spouse would absolutely despise.”
“For some parents, the other family is always wrong and manipulative and you have to watch out for your precious baby who would never disobey you, I guess.” ~ wayward_witch
“Tell them every time they say anything more on the subject, it’s another extra month of no contact until they can meet your baby.”
“This name decision is final, nothing anyone has to say will change your minds, THE PARENTS are the only ones who get to pick their kids’ names, as has been done for 1000s of years.”
“If they don’t like it, then sorry they feel that way, and you wouldn’t want them to suffer anymore by having to see your newborn son called {not-Henry}, as you know it will cause them so much pain.”
“Since all they are doing is causing you anger and pain and drama, you will be removing the toxic people from your life going forward, until they can get their head screwed on straight again. One mention of the name Henry = 6 month ban.” ~ Dense_Dress_1287
In an ironic twist, I’m actually named after my maternal Metís Grandmother.
But it’s never been an official family tradition. No one pressured or forced my parents to do anything and I think that makes all the difference.
My Gram Amelia was named after her maternal Grandmother, and so on going back to the mid-17th century when the first Indigenous Canadian woman in our family married a French fur trapper in Northern Quebec near Hudson Bay.
For the next ~200 years, Indigenous Canadian or Metís women were married and baptized Catholic on the same day to join my Metís family line. Needing a Saint’s name to join the Catholic Church, it was easy to pick the current family matriarch’s—the Grandmother’s—name.
Then it just became a tribute to a beloved family member that someone in the family always picked. I’m not the oldest female among my cousins—I’m the 3rd youngest—or in my family—I’m the middle child.
My parents named all three of their daughters after family members because it’s what they wanted to do.
So that’s how I got my traditional, not a family tradition, name.