News of an expectant family member always brings joy, and relatives are eager to get to know the newborn when they enters the world.
However, one guy is not happy about an expectation placed on him once the baby arrives, and when he verbalized his true feelings, it was met with drama that led him to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor NotTheFunUncle asked:
“AITA For being upfront about the fact that I will not be doing things with my nephew or being the ‘fun uncle’ since I don’t like kids and never agreed to be the ‘fun uncle?’ “
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My sister Lauren is pregnant with a boy who she is planning to name ‘David.’ Long story short, David’s father Bryan is a loser and my sister is not going to be getting any help from him.”
“Lauren has been talking a lot about how a boy needs a father figure, David’s going to look for mentorship in the wrong places unless family steps up, and some more obvious statements that show she expects me to be the ‘fun uncle’ type with David.”
“I don’t want any confusion in the future, so I told Lauren upfront how I’m not going to be the ‘fun uncle’ type or have any parental role with David. I’ll be polite at any family events and send a gift for his birthday/xmas but that’s it.”
“It’s not personal, I’ve just never liked kids, I find them annoying, and I don’t want to ever be responsible for one.”
The OP continued:
“Bryan’s brother Andrew wants to be involved. He has two young kids who he wants David grow up with and have a strong relationship with the cousins. Our own brother George also wants to be involved. So I told Lauren how David has plenty of adult male figures without me.”
“Lauren launched into me saying that uncles still isn’t the same as an actual father and David needs all the support he can get since Bryan won’t be here. She accused me of flaking out on my own blood.”
“I have my own life and wasn’t going to be involved regardless of the situation with Bryan. I’ve always been upfront that I wasn’t going beyond holiday gifts and other basic politeness. Besides, Andrew and George will be involved uncles, so I don’t get why this pressure is on me.”
“Lauren argued that hosting him for a sleepover or taking him to a museum isn’t asking the world. Realistically, one polite but distant uncle won’t have any negative impact on a kid, and I can’t be ‘flaking out’ of a commitment that I never agreed to take in the first place, AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“It’s not nice of her to foist this responsibility upon you, knowing how you feel about it.”
“Even if you love kids, it would be wrong of her to expect your involvement as she dictates.”
“Refuse to discuss the subject any longer with her. If she starts in, simply head her off at the pass by telling her something like ‘Lauren, this subject is now off limits. You have no right to dictate responsibilities to me regarding your son. Please stop.’ ”
“Repeat as necessary, not altering your words. She’ll get tired of hearing the same sentences over and over again soon enough.” – LoveBeach8
“The shouldn’t waste their time forcing baby daddy to be a father….but they should spend time getting him on the hook for as much child support as possible. I also wonder if OP’s sister is trying to line up not only replacement father figures but also replace father financial support.”
“NTA.” – chudan_dorik
“I think the biggest thing is his sister is ignoring the desire for two other uncles, one of which will also has kids, to be a good male figure in David’s life.”
“No, she wants OP specifically to do this, and then talks about uncles aren’t the same as a father figure while also not asking for a father figure? IDK, this comes across as super Roll Tide-y to me.” – andrewtater
“NTA.”
“I’m the polite, distant uncle that sends checks for birthdays/holidays. (It helps that I live in a completely different time zone).”
“The ones judging you saying you’re the a/h must’ve missed the weird fixation your sister has on expecting YOU to be the primary sleepover/culture fix/mentor in HER child’s life.”
“Let me guess: you’re single, independent, and probably have more disposable income than the other men in the family, correct?” – Bunny_Bixler99
“I had 7 uncles, none of them were involved, I got birthday cards from one aunt and uncle, but the others never paid any attention to me.”
“Lauren should have thought about the need for a decent father for her child before she decided to have a child with a guy who she knows won’t be that.”
“NTA.” – ArreniaQ
“NTA. ‘Be mad at your sperm donor, not me. Bryan owes you and David a promise to exist as a father. I’m not a dad. I don’t want to be in a paternal role. I don’t really want to be in an uncle role. You have plenty of people on both sides to step in, so insisting that I have to as well because you slept with a jacka** and got pregnant by him isn’t my fault. Be pissed at Bryan. Don’t transfer that anger onto me. I won’t tolerate it.’ “ – Perimentalpause
“NTA. Your sister isn’t entitled to your time, money, or whatever for a kid you had no role in bringing into this world. Not every family member needs to be a big figure in a kid’s life.”
“He has other male figures excited to do stuff with him. And also lots of kids have been raised by just women and turned out great. Hey, maybe in the future, you’ll end up forming a bond with the kid and will want to hang out with him, but being forced won’t be helpful.” – yrcastr
“NTA.”
“It’s your life, and not your kid OP. Though maybe I’m a tad bias by saying that I completely understand why your sister would be kinda peeved at that because it seems like from her perspective she’s hearing you say that you don’t wanna get within a mile of the kid (even though that’s not what you’re saying). Maybe you two should talk and clarify what the two of you mean.” – Bene1925
“Sounds like ‘fun uncle’ is her code for free on-demand babysitter. She is pissed that her idea of having you babysit every weekend, take the child to and from day care/school and pay for said day care/school costs just fell apart.” – Classic_Ad3987
“NTA.”
“I am a pretty present aunt, but it’s on my schedule (unless it’s an emergency). I love my niblings, but don’t want my own kids. I don’t host sleepovers or extended stays because my house is my space, but I will go to their house and hang out.”
“It’s not like you are going to be antagonistic or mean to the child. And it sounds like he will have plenty of family involved.” – yesletslift
“NTA. Sounds like he will have good people in his life, an extra person won’t make a difference. Especially one who doesn’t like kids. I’m with you on that, 55F and never had a child or changed a diaper. Your sister is entitled to think she can tell who will be involved in the kids life. Should come from love and choice.” – Inmontes
“NTA.”
“But I had/have aunts and uncles similar to you. I have 0 relationship with any of them as an adult. So, just letting you know you aren’t opting out of just knowing them as a child, you’re possibly opting out of knowing them for their whole lives.” – stalecigsmell
“NTA.”
“You’re actually doing your future Nephew a favor if that’s how you feel. Kids can tell which adults want them around.”
“I love being a big Cousin, but I don’t have to understand your mindset to know that if you really don’t want him there it will do damage to him to force it.” – Pale_Cranberry1502
“It baffles me how involved some uncles and aunties are expected to be. Other than my grandma and obviously my parents, I never had any relative take me out for one on one time. You can judge for yourself, but I think I turned out fine. NTA.” – Affectionate-End5411
Overall, Redditors thought there was no shame in being the uncle who is distant but will still be present by acknowledging David’s birthday and other notable events and celebrations in his life.
They also felt assured in the fact there little David will have plenty of family members and loved ones clamoring for his attention and won’t have emotional trauma over the OP going out of his way to hang with his nephew.