Redditor Relative_Dragonfly95 is an 18-year-old who had a riff with his best friend "J."
The drama started when J's new relationship with a girl–also of the same age–moved into the next phase of living together.
While J's relationship with his girlfriend was going relatively well, it took one indiscretion from J for things to quickly head south.
After intervening, the Redditor turned to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA For snitching on my (ex) best friend?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (18M) have a been close with my best friend J (18M) for over a decade now and I love him more than anything. And over a year ago, he got a girlfriend (18F) who we'll call M."
"M is the sweetest woman i have ever met - she cares for J so much, and I have found a close friend in her. A few months ago J moved into M's apartment."
"J doesn't have a job and M has a well paying one. She is the breadwinner."
"Now onto the story. I was having lunch with J when his phone beeped. He looked at it and smiled saying, 'M sent me nudes!'"
"While I thought that he didn't need to say it out loud, I still replied with,'Congrats.' That's when he dropped this; 'You wanna see?'"
"To say I was horrified would be an understatement. 1, I had a boyfriend (18M) and he was aware of this. 2, I saw M as a sister and he was also aware of this. I blew up on him, saying how disgusting it was that he would even ask, and he backed down immediately, apologising."
"Here's where I may be the AH. I, as a feminist, could not just brush this incident off. My mums (38 Female) (39 Female) taught me all about r*pe culture and I knew that this could lead to much worse."
"I told M, and she was furious. She thanked me and then called J. They had a screaming match that ended with M breaking up with J and him kicked out of her flat. After he moved back in with his parents, he texted me and I told him the truth."
"He exploded, calling me names, insults, and even at one point slurs. I kept my cool and explained my it was duty as a decent human being to tell M, and I then said, 'What if you had shown that to other people; have you shown them to other people?'"
"And he replied with, 'Yes, but that's not the point.' I screenshot it and sent to M. She was angry, and according to my friends has now threatened legal action."
"Turns out he's told our friends, and majority have sided with him. They say while what he did was wrong, it wasn't my place to to tell her."
"A few of my friends, M, my boyfriend and my parents side with me, but I'm staring to doubt myself. They were a very happy couple and they loved each other a lot, and they pointed out that I'm the reason they broke up."
"AITA?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors believed the OP was not the a**hole here.
"NTA. What he did, and the total lack of remorse, are major red flags. I'm thinking she dodged a bullet, thanks to you."
"And I'm glad she sees who/what he is before getting any deeper...and wasn't she supporting both of them?"
"So, to recap...she's supporting both of them, he's shared nudes she's sent him (warning, do not send nudes to anyone, ever), and now that he's been caught and called on his BS, he's the victim? Yeah, no."
"And you and M may want to find some new friends as they seem to be OK with his (outrageous) behavior. And, if he has shared them with others, she may be able to get legal redress. Regardless, I think you did the right thing." – Auntienursey
"NTA. It appears that J is the type of individual to be offended at the slightest possibility of a hint of an accusation. The thing is with individuals like J is that they are all talk no action, meaning they say 'I won't do it again' while going back on their words."
"J committed a digital sex crime, because he shared images that were sexual (explicit or otherwise) without HER consent. It would become revenge porn if he were to share them with all the people she and he knows in retaliation to her decision against him based on his own actions. I would definitely encourage your friend to consult a lawyer."
"I'm glad to hear you stuck up for your friend and drew the line despite him being your best friend, now ex best friend, because I know of so many others who would not." – friedchickensticks
"NTA. To reiterate: he breached the trust in their relationship by showing around her nudes without her consent, the only one who protested was you, the rest were happy to look and now think you're T A to them. What you did was not snitching, it was standing up against the kind of culture your moms told you about." – Fiebre
"NTA. Thank you for protecting your friend/'sister.'"
"It feels like this is the kind of guy who might need a reminder that if he happens to have any videos of her or them together, his sharing them to porn websites without her expressed written permission is a legally punishable offense." – CanadianJediCouncil
"NTA They may have seemed to be a 'very happy couple' but there was a terrible dynamic at play. They were only happy because she didn't know what he was doing. You changed that and balanced the dynamic. Good for you and good for her." – Miserable-Narwhal-53
"NTA. They might have been a 'happy couple,' but that was based on a lie. She trusted him with her innermost secrets, and he blithely shared them around with his mates like a family size bag of potato chips."
"There need to be more guys like you." – Emotional-Ebb8321
Overall, Redditors praised the OP for speaking out, and they expressed relief for "M" as she potentially dodged a bullet with her relationship with someone who is not trustworthy and is disrespectful.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.