It's always risky to make excuses for our actions that upset people.
In some cases, we are simply being honest, and we genuinely believe what we did would help someone.
Other times, however, we are simply looking for an escape route to avoid getting into trouble.
Often, we only dig ourselves even deeper into a hole.
Redditor Clear_Yard2123 thought she had a good arrangement with her roommate.
However, a change in her roommate's situation made their living situation somewhat tense, with the original poster (OP)'s roommate constantly using the same excuse over and over.
Eventually leading to a full-on confrontation.
Having some doubts about how she handled things, OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A*hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for saying I don’t give a fuck about my roommates baby?"
The OP explained why they finally felt they had no other choice but to put her roommate in her place:
"I’m 27 F[emale], and I have a roommate 25 F."
"Originally, it was my roommate and me, but she got pregnant by her boyfriend, causing her boyfriend to move in."
"At first, it wasn’t a big deal, he wasn’t loud, and my roommate didn’t really bother me."
"But as the months passed and she got more pregnant, she started becoming more entitled and rude. For example, she would constantly steal my food, and when I tried to confront her, she would play the pregnancy cravings card."
"But the day that finally made me snap was the day I brought home a small personal pumpkin pie. I wrote my name on the box and put it in the fridge."
"Later, when I went to get some, she was literally standing there eating my pie."
"Honestly, I wouldn’t have cared if she only took a slice, but this b*tch was literally eating the whole thing."
"And fed up with her always eating my food, I got mad, and I yelled at her."
"I asked her why she was eating MY pumpkin pie, knowing that it wasn’t for her."
"She started crying and said she’s pregnant and she can’t help that the baby was craving pumpkin pie."
"In a fit of rage, I yelled at her and said I don’t give one f*ck about your dumb a**, baby."
"She gasped dramatically like I just said something world-shattering, and she ran off to tell her boyfriend what I said."
"Later, he called me a b*tch for yelling at a pregnant woman who can’t control her craving."
"So AITAH for saying I don’t give a f*ck about my roommates baby?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Just about everyone agreed that the OP was well within her rights to yell at her roommate.
Everyone agreed that pregnancy was no excuse for the OP's roommate to steal her food, with many urging the OP to change her living situation as soon as possible, particularly after the OP revealed in the comments that her roommate's boyfriend didn't contribute to the rent:
"You were in the apt, if 'baby' was craving pumpkin pie, then 'momma' could have taken 10 steps to knock on your door and ask if she could have some."
"More importantly, is the bf covering more of the rent and utilities?"
"Did your rent go down to account for this extra person in the apt?"
"NTA, but you should be looking for another place because this is only going to get worse once the baby comes."- HappyKnittens
"NTA."
"I have been pregnant 3 times and it still hasn’t made me steal other people’s food."
"Her boyfriend can go pick up what she needs."- Individual_You_6586
"She can control her craving."
"The baby isn't craving anything."
"If she wants something she can have her boyfriend get something."- Cultural-Band5013
“'Causing her boyfriend to move in'."
"Nope."
"I would have been done there."
"The pregnancy didn’t cause the boyfriend to move in…the entitled pregnant chick allowed/demanded it."- Double-Dot9175
"I call bs."
"Not pregnancy cravings but sheer gluttonous laziness!"
"What are you going to do once the baby is born?"
"I’d start looking for a new place to live."- Visible-Archer2582
"NTA, she is playing you."
"Believe me, she can control the cravings."
"You need to move out."- WisePhnx80
"NTA."
"The audacity of your roommate and her bf."
"Is your rent being split 3 ways with the bf or 50/50 with her and you?"
"If 50/50, tell bf its time to leave."
"And then find another roommate."
"This will all just get worse."- MommaSnarky
"NTA."
"Find a new place to live and let them deal with it."
"Lmao."- Artistic-Anybody-131
"NTA."
"If she wanted pie, she should have bought her own, and her boyfriend has no right to call you names."- Pitiful-Hair4188
"Having been pregnant before, she can control what she wants to eat."
"The cravings don't turn people into bottomless pits for food."
"She is using being pregnant as an excuse to eat your stuff."
"Pregnancy doesn't give anyone a free pass to other people's food."
"NTA for the issue with the food."- ScratchIll3353
"Why doesn’t she buy her own damn pie if the 'baby' wants it so bad."
"DoorDash is a thing."- fannypacksnackk
"The fact she's using her pregnancy to justify theft is pathetic."
"Showing her true colors."- kykid87
"Please tell me you’re splitting the rent three ways if not four."- einzeln
"Every woman who's ever been pregnant knows you absolutely CAN control your cravings."
"Plus that whole 'eating for two' thing is bullsh*t- you need a little more food, but as all my doctors and nutritionists have told me over my pregnancies, that means more like 2 apples and a piece of PB toast per day, not entire extra meals and whole pies."
"You are NTA, and they both are."
"I've said it before and I'll say it again: my children are the center of MY world, not THE world. Thats a lesson your roommate and her rude bf need to learn asap."- BubbleCrum
"NTA."
"Your reaction was built up from her repeatedly stealing your food."
"If her boyfriend wants to get involved, tell him to provide for her instead of allowing her to leech off her roommate."- Happytreez69
"Pregnancy isn't like... a crack addiction."
"She is fully capable of controlling herself."
"She's very clearly just using her pregnancy as an excuse to be rude and inconsiderate."
"NTA."- Zestyclose_Current41
"NTA."
"I’ve had 4 babies."
"Some women use pregnancy to exaggerate and milk it for attention and to get what they want."- cashewtoad
"NTA."
"Pregnancy isn't a license to be a house thief."
"Using 'cravings' to justify literally eating someone else's labeled food is peak entitlement."
"Your roommate and her boyfriend are living in a delusion where the world owes them your pumpkin pie just because she’s expecting."
"You didn't attack the baby; you attacked her sh*tty behavior and her weaponized excuses."
"If she can't control herself around a fridge, she's not ready for the responsibility of motherhood anyway."- Aggressive-Estate699
"Time to find a new roommate."
"It’s only going to get worse when the baby comes."- BriefEquipment8
"MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!! MOVE OUT!!"
"NTA but Love yourself first, hunny."
"And do it for your own sanity."
"Don't stay, you've been putting up with them for months."
"He's not even paying rent."
"Queen of the house, roomie is convinced the world revolves around her."
"She's entitled, and it's not gonna get better, now and especially after the baby is born."
"Also, bf yelling at you is just from his stupid viewpoint."
"But don't believe his b.s. It's not who you are."
"He's reacting to her craziness."
"And also financially, especially since he's not contributing, she definitely needs you to help her stay in that apartment/ house."
"They owe you an apology."- 4aloha_iaoe
"NTA - her pregnancy is not your responsibility."
"Being pregnant is not an excuse to steal other people’s food."
"If you have a craving, order the food you want."- Loud_Shallot_1367
"Odd that she would uncontrollably crave something that happened to be nearby."- Excellent_Valuable92
"I know everyone's pregnancy experiences are different."
"But now that I've had a baby, I can safely say that in my experience, weed cravings are way stronger than pregnancy cravings."
"So if 20 year old me high off my a** was able to control myself and not steal my roommates snacks, then I'm pretty sure this pregnant person can stop herself from stealing your food."
"You're her roommate, not her family. It's not your job to feed her."
"As many others have pointed out, her bf could have gone out and bought her pie if she wanted it that bad."
"She is using the pregnancy as an excuse to be a d*ck and have whatever she wants without consequences."- largecherryslushie
There is no doubt that pregnancy will cause many behavioral changes in women.
What it does not affect, however, is their fundamental ability to distinguish right from wrong.
The right thing for the OP to do right now would be to find a new living situation.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.