Standing up against racism is something we must all do, but in a safe and responsible way. And, 14 year olds should not have to deal with bias just to prove a point.
Redditor Automatic_Break8849 encountered this very issue with her daughter. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“WIBTA (Would I Be The A**hole) if I only allowed my daughter to see her best friend in public places because of her dad’s racism?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My 14 year old daughter (mixed race: I’m Indian and my husband is Black) has been very close friends with another girl for a few years now.”
“In the beginning, her family seemed fine and there were no major issues.”
“About a year and a half ago, the problems all started when her dad made a comment to me at the door that he didn’t like how we were trying to indoctrinate his daughter into our race and culture.”
“I was stunned as we had never done anything like this. At most I’ve cooked a few Indian meals while she was over and certainly race never came up.”
“I was very upset by this, especially as his tone was harsh.”
“This occurred right before lockdown started, so it was out of my mind for awhile as she wasn’t coming by our house anyway.”
But, now people are visiting each other again.
“However, a few months ago, She started coming by after school again and this same complaint happened. I was surprised again and told him directly, we are not trying to indoctrinate anyone but I also am going to cook, dress, act, etc. the way I normally would in the house while your daughter is here.”
“He said at that point ‘I think it’s best my daughter doesn’t come here anymore then.'”
“I was very surprised and my husband was pretty angry as we had tried to be very hospitable to his daughter and we’re now facing accusations.”
“I’m still at a standstill now about how to proceed forward with this. My daughter keeps wanting to go over to her friend’s house but I don’t feel very comfortable giving her the okay to do that.”
“Now that I know that her father has so much disdain for my daughter’s race and culture, I don’t really want her unsupervised at the house in case he says insensitive things that could really affect her.”
“She’s already mixed race in a very white town and I don’t want an incident to make her feel more socially excluded and self conscious.”
“I don’t want to punish my daughter and her friend for the dad’s actions and never let them see each other outside school though, so I think the best compromise is they can meet in public areas and do things that way.”
“Honestly part of me does wish this friendship just didn’t exist because of how concerned I am by everything but I don’t want to fully stop it if the girl herself hasn’t done anything wrong.”
“WIBTA for severely restricting the ways in which she sees her close friend for these reasons?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“You should talk to your daughter honestly about this. Stress that while you love her friend, you’re not comfortable with the family and tell her why. Anything less will cause resentment. Ensure that the friend is always welcome at your place. NTA” ~ RumSoakedChap
“This.”
“Talk to the daughter and encourage her to stand up for her culture and stand up against bigots. she’s 14, she can handle this. let HER decide if she does or doesn’t feel safe at her friend’s house.” ~ hBoBh
“I see this point but I also think a general ‘stand up’ message is not something I’m comfortable with when there’s safety concerns at play.”
“If she’s alone on his property, it may legitimately not be safe to answer back like it would be in a public area. I feel that she would stand up and that it could lead to an unsafe situation where whatever happens would become him and his family’s word against hers. I have always taught her to stand up but at the same time to look after your own safety and read situations.” ~ Automatic_Break8849
OP should look out for her daughter.
“No need to do a whole stand up thing. Just tell her the truth and why you think it’s not safe for her to go there.” ~ RumSoakedChap
“That sounds very wise of you! Maybe don’t tell her to take a stand against this dangerous man directly in his own home because of the dangerous dynamic? I do agree with the previous comments that transparency will be the best here” ~ KPinKrazy
“That’s fair, but you should still talk to your daughter about this specific situation.”
“She’s 14. That is old enough to understand racism…and old enough to defy you if you don’t explain your justification. She has been freely going over to this friend’s house and nothing bad has happened, so she is unlikely to easily accept these new limitations on how she can be friends with this girl. If you don’t explain what is happening so she can understand your reasoning, she won’t buy into your solution.”
“Also, speaking as a mixed race kid, I was well aware of racial differences even if I couldn’t articulate them at her age. I knew people looked at me differently. I knew people thought my food was weird. She is likely aware of these things too. It would be much, much kinder for you to warn her about her friend’s father now while you can have a calm discussion about it. If she realizes he’s racist because he makes a nasty comment to her (such as while picking up the friend up from one of their public hangouts) the unexpected shock of that interaction will make his words hurt even more.” ~ thoughtandprayer
“It’s not a 14-year-old’s responsibility to ‘stand up’ to racist adults anyway. I’m not going to pretend that none are ever put in that position, and I’m sure that some even handle it well, but why should they have to? We generally do not go around telling white 14-year-olds that they need to stand up and defend their existence (well, not straight, cis, abled white 14-year-olds anyway).”
“We mostly acknowledge that these are children who should be protected from terrible adults because they’re not ready, able, or necessarily safe to stand up for themselves against an adult authority figure (which a friend’s parent can definitely be.) I feel like it’s gross to expect this child to be able to do that because… why? There’s no good reason. This is a child, she deserves to be protected from terrible adults too. Your daughter is probably going to have to do more standing up for herself in this life than her friend ever will already – she deserves to at least not have to do it as a kid, in a totally unequal situation.” ~ Old-Elderberry-9946
It’s a terrible situation.