Sometimes you just have to call someone out and expose some truth.
Though it wall cause all sorts of chaos.
It's a conundrum.
Do you stay silent or speak?
How did it work for others?
Case in point...
Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for calling out my aunt for racist comments and ending her engagement?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (22 F[emale]) am a biracial child who grew up in the Haiti."
"I never knew most of my white side of my family due to my father dying when I was young."
"When I turned 10 me and my mother moved to the USA where my father's family lived."
"My mother tried to reach out to them but it was clear they were not happy that he had been with a black women."
After some persuasion and finding out that my father had a child his family finally chose to interact with me and my mother."
"I spent the rest of my school years near them."
"This is where my aunt (26) comes in."
"My aunt always made very micro aggressive comments to me as we were growing up."
"Things like 'you should stay out of the sun you don't want to become darker that's ugly.'"
"'Braids make you look ghetto.'"
''She use to use the excuse that it was just the way Americans talk and I shouldn't be mad."
"By highcschool I had enough when her micro-aggressions become plain racism"
". I cut ties with that side of my family and moved on with my life."
"Currently I'm an event planner and randomly my aunt messaged me talking about her upcoming wedding."
"She then invited me to dinner to catch up."
"At first I wasn't planning on going but my mother encouraged me to go and just hear her out. So I went."
"When I saw her fiancé I was shocked."
"Her husband is a light skin black man."
"He is clearly pale but it is quite obvious he is black."
"We sat down and and half way through the dinner her fiancé commented on how lovely he thought my curly hair was."
"I went to thank him when I saw my aunt visibly roll her eyes."
"I was so confused on how she could be dating a black man after everything she said."
"To sum up the dinner; they had asked about me possibly being their wedding planner."
"I told them I would have to see."
"After dinner had finished my aunt got up to put the dishes away when I decided to ask the fiancé something."
"I asked how he felt about the comments my aunt made about black people."
"He looked confused and asked what I meant."
"I told him how she use to make racist and aggressive comments about black people when we were younger."
"And I questioned if she had possibly changed her ways."
"He looked completely shocked but before anything eles could be said my aunt came back and I left."
"Jump to 2 nights ago and I get an angry phone call from my aunt claiming I ruined her engagement."
"Apparently her husband-to-be had no idea and confronted her after I left."
"She tried to defend herself but he didn't care and called off the wedding."
"I tried explaining to her that I had no intention of ruining their engagement."
"I just didn't like the idea of her possibly having a child with that man and spreading the same comments to her child which could possibly make them hate their skin and culture."
"I got a bunch more texts from many people on my dad's side calling my an a**hole for getting involved."
"They all tried to claim that she was young and stupid she was 17."
"I feel bad and now I wish I would of minded my business?"
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your aunt's ex dodged a bullet."
"She is clearly still racist." ~ bluedogstar
"If it was really about 'young and dumb' she wouldn't roll her eye on OP."
"She would use this occasion to apolologize for her stupid behaviour of the past and ask for forgiveness."
"But she is the same."
"And I bet she just wanted OP as a wedding planner to show her ex how great she understands herself with the colored part of the family."
"'I can't be racist, I have a friend that is a person of color.'"
"That the ex believed everything OP said let me think that there were often things in here behavior that came off as strange like rolling eyes."
"But she always found excuses."
"With the new information it all made sense for him."
"You saved him and the future children."
"Just think they turn out really dark."
"How would she treat them behind his back?"
"And if he had an accident and she ends up alone with them?"
"I don't want to think about... NTA." ~ EvilFinch
"Or if one of their children should be born with darker skin tones?"
"I went to high school with a set of twin girls who had the most beautiful milk chocolate skin tones."
"L & L were gorgeous and still are."
"Their Mom is white and Dad is African American."
"They have five siblings and two were the same tone as them."
"Two were much darker than them and their Dad, the youngest was born with blue eyes, pale Ivory skin complete with freckles and red hair!"
"L& L always joked that there parents were trying for all the shades of brown."
"OP is def NTA." ~ moodyfish7777
"Exactly. People can change and past actions don't always dictate present behavior."
"The issue is that present aunt rolled her eyes. Can't blame that on past self!"
"OP may have been digging a little by asking fiancé about aunt's behavior but given previous interactions, I wouldn't trust aunt not to lie either. NTA." ~ Future-Way-8044
"There's also no way fiancé ended the engagement based solely on OP's comments."
"It's way more likely that whatever aunt said when he confronted her confirmed OP's story and revealed aunt's continuing prejudices."
"She probably minimized it or did something else that showed she's not that self aware. NTA." ~ alienabductionfan
"In my opinion NTA."
"You were totally marginalized by her growing up."
"And if she indeed rolled her eyes at the comment about your hair (and I totally believe she did) then she still has those same prejudices she had when you were younger." ~ kr0mb0pulos_michael
"NTA. You didn't slander anyone if what you said was true and you didn't ask to get involved."
"She involved you when she invited you over hoping to get your planning expertise."
"What's worse is she is apparently continuing with the micro-ag based on that eyeroll when her fiancé complimented your hair."
"I'm betting if she hadn't rolled her eyes, you might have thought, 'I never expected aunt would be engaged to a man of color!'"
"'Wow. She must've had one helluva learning experience. I wonder what that was?' and moved on."
"I also suspect that her fiancé didn't dump her for what she said in the past but how she responded to his inquiry."
"You can tell the difference between the person who is genuinely sorry they were ever such an asshat and the person who is just sorry they were found out."
"Believe me, LGBT people of my generation have somehow managed to forgive all the kids who ignorantly used homophobic slurs as slang insults when we were children."
"Provided the person grew up to actually regret it and is now an ally." ~ Necessary-Treacle702
OP came back to discuss...
"This sums up the situation basically to the tee."
"When I first met her ex fiancé I was shocked but not in a bad way."
"I just just hadn't expected her to be with a person of color."
"But as a child of an interracial relationship myself I was just glad she wasn't like her previous self and grew as a person."
"It was the eye roll that bite me the wrong way."
"The compliment on his part was light hearted but her eye roll made me feel unwanted and judged."
"Due to the fact that she always made comments on my hair and it being too nappy in the past."
"This eye roll felt like another jab which just made me believe that deep down she still had some sort of micro aggressions she wasn't displaying."
"I'm just afraid that I looked too into this eye roll."
Reddit still felt...
"NTA. She obviously hasn't grown up because she was rolling her eyes."
"Seems like she wanted to use you for your talent."
"You saved her ex-fiancé and any future kids they may have had some heartache."
"As someone with a mixed family, thank you." ~ obvsta7633
OP... Reddit is with you.
You have to do your truth first and always.
Sounds like your family needs some help.
Keep being you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp