When I was younger, I was the designated birthday cake baker for friends and family. Custom cakes and decorations for each person.
Sometimes the cake was a pie or some other food or dessert the birthday celebrant preferred.
Because shouldn’t a birthday be about them?
A party guest turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a birthday party conflict.
LeoHyuuga asked:
“AITA for accepting cake at my friend’s birthday party?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So this is a bit of a weird one. I (41, male) was at a friend’s birthday party on the weekend just past. There were 9 of us at the party including the birthday boy (which is surprisingly relevant). All fake names.”
“Amy (30ish, female), one of the guests, baked a cake for the birthday boy.”
“After the relevant party traditions of singing the birthday song and the hip-hip-hooraying that happens after the birthday song here in Australia, I went back to talking to one of my friends when Amy came up to me and the other friend with two plates of cake and offered them to my friend and I.”
“I’ve only met her like 3 times. She was Steven’s +1 at our friend’s party.”
“We both said yes, thanked her, and then she made a really odd face and walked away. My friend and I both said it was weird and went back to chatting.”
“I ate some of the cake ,and it had desiccated coconut inside it, which I don’t particularly like, so after a couple of bites, I ignored it and then chucked it out when the party ended about an hour or so later.”
“About 45 minutes ago, Steven (30ish, male), Amy’s partner, sent me a series of angry texts (8 am on a Monday morning is really not the best time to receive angry texts) saying how Amy spent last night crying about how she didn’t get to eat any of her cake.”
“That I took a slice of it only to throw it away and deprive her of her own cake, and that she only cut 8 slices since she knows I don’t like coconut, but I took her slice and threw it away to spite her.”
“I replied, ‘Why did she even offer me any cake if she knew there was coconut inside?’. Steven said that she did it to be polite and not leave me out and that I was an a**hole for taking her slice and throwing it away.”
“It was baked into the cake, and she didn’t tell me. It just looked like a white chocolate cake with raspberries.”
“I like most coconut things except desiccated coconut. I love coconut water and the flesh of young coconut; it’s refreshing. Desiccated coconut tastes of dust and sadness.”
“I forwarded the message to my other friends who were there, and most of them have left me on read so far, except one who responded with a thumbs-down emoji and another who hasn’t seen it yet (as of this writing).”
“The fact that no one’s responding to me is making me worry that I might have been the a**hole here.”
The OP later added:
“Birthday boy turned 30 and did NOT ask for a cake, actually. His wife made baklava for him because he doesn’t like cake.”
“Amy asked what the cake situation was, as she claimed she was a good baker, and the birthday boy’s wife said not to worry about it as she was making baklava instead. But Amy said that ‘baklava is no substitute for birthday cake’ and brought it anyway.”
“I get that not every food needs to be catered for everyone, but generally, we (my friends and I) let people know what things are in what foods so we can avoid them as necessary.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I accepted a piece of cake and then threw it away after two bites because it had an ingredient I didn’t like, supposedly depriving someone of having their own slice.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. What a bizarre situation. You cut enough cake for everyone there (including yourself), and don’t hand cake to people if you’re relying on them turning it down so you can eat it yourself.”
“You did the right thing by accepting it, it would have been more rude to decline. She seems weird as she’s making this a much bigger issue than it is.” ~ CrinklyPacket
“This is so wild. Like can people not use their words anymore? ‘This has coconut in it, do you want any?’. Hey everyone, hands up who wants cake, we need to see how many pieces we need’.”
“Going home and crying all night over something she could have prevented by simply acting like an adult is ridiculous.” ~ voxetpraetereanihill
“NTA. It’s so easy to cut a cake into nine slices when there are nine people at the party. That way, everyone feels free to have someone who wants one. And if someone doesn’t, then yay, birthday person gets leftovers.” ~ SummitJunkie7
“She sounds like a drama queen. If your friends think you are the AH here, they aren’t friends. You did nothing wrong. If she knows you don’t like coconut, then she should have told you it had coconut in it. NTA.” ~ greenhouse5
“NTA. Amy should have told you everything before she cut the cake.”
“Instead, she offered it to you and expected you to know 1) that she only had cut 8 pieces, 2) she wanted you to decline because you don’t like coconut, and 3) she didn’t tell you the cake had.” ~ UteLawyer
“Wait, wait, wait…. so Steven… her partner…. ATE CAKE and didn’t give her any? And then he messaged you about not liking the cake that was offered to you?”
“Amy and Steven are perfect for each other. NTA.” ~ aLittleTooEverything
“Why didn’t she mention the coconut being in the cake to begin with when she offered it to you? Especially since she knew you didn’t like it.”
“She really has only herself to blame for only cutting the cake into 8 pieces then not mentioning the coconut to you directly. NTA.” ~ sleepingrozy
The OP provided an update.
“Turned out to not be about cake at all. The cake wasn’t sliced into 8, but 12 pieces. The texts were just lies, and not from Steven.”
“As before, all names are changed. The other guests (all in their 30s) are: Dean (birthday boy), Eileen (Dean’s wife), Drew (friend I was talking to when the cake was served), Anna (mutual friend), Matt (Anna’s +1), Connor (mutual friend).”
“So Steven, Dean, Eileen, Drew, Anna, Connor, and I are all friends for years. Matt and Amy were plus ones.”
“So to the update: The reason I was left on read in most cases is because *everyone else* (except Matt) also received angry texts. Eileen sent the thumbs down emoji and clarified that it was because she was upset about what was said.”
“Everyone has replied now, so I’m summarising the event.”
“I wasn’t the only person to not like/finish her cake. Dean didn’t eat any (he ate Eileen’s baklava, which he wanted instead of cake). Eileen didn’t eat any (allergic to raspberries).”
“Drew threw his away (also doesn’t like desiccated coconut). Anna ate a bit of hers and gave the rest to Matt. Connor didn’t eat any (he doesn’t like white chocolate). Also, Anna cut the cake (in 12), and Amy actually ate a slice.”
“Background: I mentored everyone in the group (except Matt and Amy, obviously) when they were in their late teens/early adulthood. They’re apparently super protective of me (chronic injuries and poor mental health), and my opinion holds a lot of weight in the group (which I didn’t realize).”
“My stand-offish attitude towards Amy in previous meetings left her feeling like an outsider, whereas Matt and I get along well, and he’s been accepted in the group more than she has.”
“At our second meeting and then again at the party, Amy was constantly interrupting me and changing the subject to try and get a rise out of me (WTF?), but my boyfriend has ADHD, so I just assumed she had ADHD too.”
“The texts to the others were her claiming I was manipulating people into disliking her, calling me a [f-word slur]…
“Which she sent using Steven’s Facebook on his computer at home.”
“Steven *did not* send the angry messages!”
“Steven and I met for lunch (arranged via Discord). Amy asked him after the party why I threw my slice of cake away, and he told her *then* that I didn’t like coconut (she didn’t know prior).”
“She then claimed that the reason everyone else didn’t eat/finish her cake was because I was instigating a bullying campaign against her. Steven said that no one in the group was petty enough to do that.”
“Dean called him at work asking him to explain the texts, but he had no clue what was happening (he had non-call notifications turned off). Steven’s going to talk to Amy when he gets home tonight.”
“I don’t know if they’re going to break up (that’s their business), but she’s no longer welcome at the group get-togethers going forward.”
If Amy was hoping to ingratiate herself with the group, ignoring the birthday boy’s wishes and attacking one of their friends wasn’t the way to do it.
It sounds like she’s just Steven’s problem now.