People shouldn't need a reminder not to wear white to someone else's wedding... unless it's specifically requested.
You know what else they shouldn't need to be reminded of? To not expect to blow out someone else's birthday candles or to receive gifts at someone else's birthday party, side-eyed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
After seeing their nieces and nephews misbehave at multiple people's birthday parties, including lashing out about birthday candles, gifts, and party games, Redditor Veteran_Writer_12 was becoming increasingly alarmed.
But when their nephew and nieces completely took over their birthday celebration, the Original Poster (OP) decided they wouldn't participate in family birthday gatherings anymore.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my wife that our nieces and nephews shouldn't blow out candles at everyone's birthday parties?"
The OP was side-eying their nieces and nephews for their behavior at others' birthday parties.
"Before I get annihilated in the comments, just hear me out. My wife and I have two nieces and one nephew who are five and six years old."
"For the past several years, it has been a 'family tradition' that the kids get to blow out the candles first at anyone's birthday party, whether it is mine, their parents, grandparents, etc."
"The kids will demand to blow out the candles first before the actual birthday person. If they do not, a deluge of crying and screaming will follow. At first, it was fun and cute when they were really little, but now as they have gotten older, their attitudes about it have gotten way worse."
"Our nephew is the worst. He gets p**sed if he doesn't get a present when it's his mom or dad's birthday. I've never done that sh*t (buy them presents on not their birthdays) because that's stupid."
But the OP's latest birthday celebration was the final straw for the OP.
"At my party last month, her family demanded that the kids go first, and when they were trying to blow out the candles, my nephew jumped the gun and blew out most of my candles."
"This caused my two nieces to cry uncontrollably, and my nephew then started crying because he didn't get to blow out even MORE candles."
"Afterwards, I told my wife that I think this 'family tradition' is stupid since it reinforces the fact that the world revolves around them and that adults will give them whatever they want."
"I told her I have no problem throwing parties for their birthdays, which is something I didn't even get growing up, but making the center of attention at every adult birthday party the kids is ridiculous since it reinforces a false reality the world revolves around them."
"I've told my wife I am not going to throw any family parties for my birthday anymore until they're teenagers. We're just gonna celebrate our own together from now on."
Fortunately, the OP's wife was on board.
"We're both in agreement that this 'tradition' is dumb and is the result of p**s poor parenting. They all just walk over their parents in daily life and we ain't about that."
"My wife and I are in agreement it's dumb to do this and we won't. However, the rest of her very large family does not think this way."
"AITAH for thinking this way?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was doing the right thing by setting boundaries.
"They are creating entitled little humans and taking away from the person you are celebrating. I like the idea someone else posted: no more candles. If anyone complains, it is a health issue and who wants spit on a cake?"
"They may not agree for every celebration, but you can at least do this for yourself." - BestAd5844
"NTA. Those kids need to learn that they are not always the center of attention and they can't always get what they want." - IrrelevantManatee
"I think it's disgusting that they would let toddlers do this at all, let alone when they get older. Set boundaries when kids are young and they don't act spoiled and entitled when they are older. Not to mention who the f**k wants a little kid's spittle all over their food?"
"If they are the birthday child, then yes of course, but otherwise absolutely not. One time out when they were young would have put a stop to this. If it didn't, they leave with the child and problem solved."
"When my kid was little she threw a fit at the grocery store once. I told her to stop, and she didn't. I left my cart there, walked out, and went back home. I told her if she ever wanted to go shopping with me again that she would never behave like that in a store."
"She never did and she's a polite, well-mannered adult at this point. Parents who don't give consequences to actions, both good and bad, are exactly the reason that our society acts so entitled and horrid to one another." - ScorchedEarthworm
"This is how it starts… We've all read the stories about the golden child daughter or sister who has done this birthday thing, only to then grow up and try to hijack the wedding reception for a proposal, vow renewal, gender reveal... They've created little monsters." - Head_Razzmatazz7174
"Yeah, and if they're having meltdowns about being told no or not getting what they want, they're spoiled. Parents need to learn that the word "parent" is not just a noun. It's also a verb." - Cerridwyn_Morgana
"I am that person who usually breaks tradition. I won't stop them blowing the candles at other's parties but I would not let them blow any of the candles at mine. They can scream till they lose their voice."
"Any enabling adult would be asked to leave. If everyone chooses to leave, so be it."
"I like when people actually forget my birthday or don't celebrate it, so... it would fit if they all chose to leave lol. NTA, OP." - Usual-Canary-7764
Others were grateful the OP didn't plan to contribute to the current birthday party culture.
"It's crucial to teach kids that the world doesn't revolve around them, and learning that lesson early helps them grow into more considerate and respectful people."
"It's not about being harsh, it's about setting boundaries and teaching them empathy."
"OP, NTA." - xLavenderSpark
"I've witnessed kids who are catered to like this struggle to make and keep friends while working in an elementary school. It was quite sad. NTA." - ilovechairs
"I used to work at a popular pizza location that had birthdays, games, and animatronics."
"The WORST parties are the ones that's had siblings or other children who couldn't keep their hands to themselves during opening presents and meltdowns for none of them getting anything."
"One family brought nearly an equal amount of gifts for their other child to the point I thought the reservation was wrong and I should have written two kids' names on the signs. Didn't stop their kid from having a meltdown anyway… just delayed it so it didn't happen while opening gifts (and one parent couldn't even enjoy it because they had to help the other)."
"There is a reason the thing to do now is to just open gifts at home and simply enjoy the party and have some cake."
"After the pandemic, it kind of freaks me out that anyone is blowing directly on food as it is let alone small children who tend also to spit." - FoodisLifePHD
"NTA. Trust us most adults and even fellow parents without their heads up their @sses agree with the sentiment. In fact, your family is doing those children a huge disservice, because that behavior at another child's birthday is a way to get kiddo on the birthday blacklist." - PresentationThat2839
"NTA. I just had to read the second paragraph and knew what my rating would be."
"My girlfriend gets both her kids presents for the other's birthday, and I just think it's a bad move. It's a special occasion BECAUSE it's THAT person's special occasion, not everyone's, and they're there to celebrate THAT person's occasion."
"Everyone doesn't have to be special or the center of attention every time. I just think, personally, it's a bad look and sets them up for thinking everything is about them somehow." - mildysentary
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update and offered some clarifications.
"Thanks to everyone who commented. I believe every single person so far has agreed with me. I do want to answer a few common questions I've gotten."
"1. What do they do with other kids' parties? Honestly, I can't remember the last time they went to another little kids party, and I suspect it is for reasons like this."
"2. What will happen when they're older? I suspect the same bulls**t. I have a 35-year-old cousin who is like this and throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get a present on her sister's birthday…"
"3. Don't have candles? Yes, my wife and I are no longer going to have family parties for our birthdays."
"As a side note, we've tried to talk to their parents about these issues, but they all get SUPER defensive, and they dismiss our viewpoints as invalid because we don't have kids."
The subReddit was disgusted by yet another example of terrible birthday etiquette, but they were relieved to see an OP who wanted to halt the negative cycle.
While they might not have the support of their extended family, it was important that the OP and their wife were pointing out behaviors that were annoying now that could become blatantly problematic later.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp