Hair. To many... It's everything.
It can be a big part of what helps define a person.
So why and when people choose to make drastic hair changes is a major life topic.
And it can be a minefield for parents with opposite thoughts.
Case in point...
Redditor isabellaj8383 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for straightening my daughters hair?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Now I 25 F[emale] am white and my husband 26 M[ale] is black and our kids 7 F, 4 M, and I am currently pregnant with a third kid, any way, of course, they are all mixed race with curls (this is important to the story)."
"We have done everything to make my daughter let’s call her Alana, feel secure with her beautiful natural hair."
"It took a while but she loves it so much and her curls are the most beautiful thing ever."
"Anyway, she asked me to straighten her hair for the first time because she wanted to see what it would look like."
"I was hesitant but I told her I would only do it this once as I don’t want her hair to fall out."
"I straightened it for her I thought her natural hair looked better but she seemed very happy with it."
"My husband came home from the gym a little after we finished."
"He was pissed that her hair was straightened."
"He said to Alana that it looked beautiful."
"But he then went upstairs and told us he felt annoyed that I didn’t ask him first."
"I’m not going to sit here and lie, I genuinely thought he wouldn’t mind."
"I know that this is a pretty mild situation on this subreddit but I do want to know."
"We aren’t fighting or anything. I just want to know."
"Last thing sorry for bad grammar I’m dyslexic and not very good at this."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"Assuming you used heat protection spray and hair straighteners, not a chemical relaxer, what you have done is reversible by washing her hair."
"It's like putting makeup on (admittedly with a few more racial connotations)."
"It seems like your husband may feel like your daughter's hair was being altered to make her more white-passing, which is an emotive subject."
"While there may be some underlying systemic racism driving your daughter's request you did it specifically because she asked you to."
"It sounds like the two of you need to sit down with your daughter and have a talk about the reasons that her hair is different."
"And the bigger picture surrounding racism and coily hair so that she can be aware of it when making her own decisions."
"Basically, it's important to respect your daughter's bodily autonomy while giving her the tools to make educated decisions." ~ Obsidian-Winter
OP answered...
"I did use a really good heat protection spray."
"And I would never relax her hair."
"I had a chat with him and he did feel like that which of course is valid."
"We definitely will talk to her about it."
Reddit continued...
"This comment right here is a big reason why you're fine."
"First of all, she asked for it."
"Secondly and this is a big one you didn't put a relaxer in it."
"I told my fiancée that I'll let our future kids do just about anything to their hair except put a relaxer in it."
"Relaxers were created because white people thought our hair was disgusting and nappy."
"So I'm very much against them and any white person who pressures a black or mixed person (especially a child) to get one."
"The fact that you properly straightened it with a heated hair straightener means that what you did is super temporary and totally okay."
"Continue to have talks with both him and her to ensure everyone is in a good place."
"Systematic racism runs deep and I mean DEEP." ~ TotheWestIGo
"I've seen even brown people (in my Asian country) wanting slick straight hair, and using chemical relaxers for that."
"A lot of people are now embracing their natural wavy/curly hair, but it's still common to hear how straight hair is the standard of beauty."
"Anyway, I've seen so many people ruin their hair with chemical straightening."
"Not just the long-term damage, but even short-term how it looks."
"Especially when it grows out, and the roots are curly/wavy with the ends poker straight."
"I had this friend who used to "fix" that with more straightening."
"A couple years later, her hair was fried and really brittle."
"I really hope we can turn around the Eurocentric standards of beauty." ~ Ok-Bridge-1045
"It may also help to have a paternal aunt, grandmother, older cousin or female black friend join in on the conversation."
"There is such a long history that goes along with black women's hair that you will probably get the best perspective on from another black woman."
"FYI, I think this is a NAH situation."
"Teach your daughter about all of the great options she has for her hair that are protective of her natural texture rather than damaging."
"And if you haven't already, learn how to do those styles for her."
"There are tons of black stylists who will show you how to best care for your daughter's specific hair type." ~ Aggressive_Pass845
"This comment. NTA you’re Just trying your best."
"Also I’d set clear boundaries with your husband about what is expected with your daughter's overall hair and appearance."
"She’s getting older and will become more opinionated about her appearance, as all kids do."
"Like she may someday want to relax her hair and that’s a discussion you may need to have."
"You guys need to be on the same page about that."
"And make sure she understands the racial aspect while not making her feel resentful of it… if that makes sense."
"Like women of all races change up the hair to look different than it would naturally, but for women of color theirs is a lot of connotation there."
"I think you have to make her feel like she has the right to change her hair just as much as a white woman would."
"But also let her know she doesn’t have to change her hair to look like a white woman."
"I don't know if that makes any sense." ~ sleepykoalaaaa
"NTA! But understand that this is REALLY sensitive to some P[erson] O[f] C[olor] because a lot of us have horrible hair trauma."
"There's the history of people with curly hair being pressured to straighten it to 'look presentable.'"
"Just talk it over with your husband and daughter and make sure everyone is on the same page."
"And, whatever you do, do NOT relax that hair ever."
"Edited to add: please also use heat protection." ~ paiglicious
"NAH. White parents of black/mixed kids have a responsibility to learn how to properly care for natural hair, but it sounds like you've done that."
"It was her decision to try straitened hair, not something you forced."
"It's is always possible that one parent may not approve of a change in hair for a young child."
"Just because of that it would have been nice if you'd run it by him for his opinion."
"However, you each have equal say in this and not thinking he would care is normal."
"Neither of you is being a terrible person here."
"It's just a disagreement/conflict." ~ LadyCass79
"NAH - you allowed your daughter bodily autonomy in a safe temporary way."
"Your husband rightfully recognizes the racial implications."
"The only suggestion I have is some communication between you and him."
"And then as a united front explain things to your girl in an age-appropriate manner."
"Both of you are coming from a place of love for your child." ~ TiredofCOVIDIOTs
"The kid comes from two cultures."
"But her hair is not naturally straight."
"So wanting to alter her natural hair to be straight can be seen as saying that one is better than the other."
"Black women were forced to straighten or chemically alter their hair because their natural hair was seen as 'messy' or 'unprofessional.'"
"That’s where the origin of black women straightening their hair came from."
"Even today, you don’t see any other race alter their hair as drastically or frequently as black women."
"And that’s because kinky hair is still not as acceptable as straight hair."
"So the implications are that the kid straightening her hair may be because she is trying to fit in with the status quo."
"That’s probably what her dad is worried about."
"He just needs to have a conversation with his wife and daughter about why she wants to straighten her hair and make sure it’s not coming from a place of resentment for her natural hair."
"If it’s not, I see no reason why daughter shouldn’t be able to straighten her hair every once in awhile." ~ Greedy_Educator3593
Sounds like Reddit agrees that you're doing all the right things, OP.
Most importantly you care and take this matter seriously so that Alana knows she's beautiful no matter what.
Maybe a calm sit down with the husband would be good, too.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp