Bringing another human being into this world is a miracle.
For some, the process is long and arduous.
For others, it’s easy.
No matter how a child arrives, everyone says it’s a blessing.
So why belittle it by calling it anything else?
Redditor redmeansily wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling people that I’m an IVF baby?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (20 F[emale]) am an I[n] V[itro] F[ertilization] baby.”
“My father always told me about how I was made, etc.”
“To the point that I would tell my teachers in kindergarten that I had ‘seed siblings.'”
“Fast forward to today – we are on a vacation with family and friends, and my Uncle made a joke about me being an ‘accident.'”
“It was really funny… can’t lie.”
“So I responded with something along the lines of ‘Haha, no my parents wanted me enough to pay money for me.'”
“The discussion was in another language so this is the closest I can translate it to.”
“Back to the point, he started yelling at me, saying it’s ‘shameful’ to tell people that.”
“He (my uncle) has been yelling at me ever since, and it’s been 12 hours!!”
“I just don’t think there is anything to apologize for because I take pride in being an IVF baby.”
“Like damn, my parents wanted me so bad that they went to extreme lengths!!”
“But he has been saying pretty awful things, including stuff like how disgraceful it is to announce that, or how it’s private and I’m invading their privacy?”
“It was never a secret that I’m an IVF baby.”
“So should I apologize?”
“I just want to note that I will not apologize to ‘keep the peace,’ only if what I did was genuinely wrong.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I’m sorry. Your uncle genuinely sounds… awful.”
“I’m not sure what the context of the joke was or your cultural background, but I can’t imagine how calling your relative an ‘accident’ could be funny.”
“The only way I would consider it funny is if he was saying it ironically, knowing that you were, in fact, very carefully planned.”
“In which case, he is the one who first brought it up, and I don’t understand why he would get angry for you following through on his joke.”
“The fact he actually got angry about you saying it makes me feel like he didn’t intend for it to be ironic – he intended for it to be hurtful, and when you undermined his insult he got mad.”
“Where I come from, there is absolutely no shame in speaking of such things.”
“Perhaps he thinks it alludes to your father/mother having fertility issues, and maybe thinks that is embarrassing or something?”
“As a woman with fertility issues myself, again – a**hole points for the uncle.”
“How terrible that he thinks it’s something to be ashamed of. NTA.” ~ angusthecrab
OP wanted to clarify a few things.
“I want to mention that in our culture, there’s nothing wrong with IVF.”
“A lot of people I know (including other members of the family – my mom’s cousins etc,) also have IVF children who they proudly talk about.”
“My parents also have no issue with me talking about it.”
“My mom (his sister) tells almost every single person she meets how happy she is that IVF worked and how she got to be a mother.”
“That’s why I’m extremely confused and thought I may be the a**hole.”
“I never got this kind of reaction when I mentioned I’m an IVF baby before.”
Reddit continued to weigh in.
“I will say this… I was an accident.”
“And a rainbow baby (baby before me died).”
“My sister calls herself the ‘used to be baby,’ and we all joke that at least they (my older siblings, youngest being 16 when I was born, they are all in their 50s now) were at least wanted.”
“And I shrug it off and tell them at least they’d be 20 years deader than I will be.”
“30 if they keep smoking and drinking!”
“We laugh and move on.”
“Sometimes you just need to laugh at yourself as much as the others.”
“I may have made a mistake.”
“But I was adored by more of Mom’s relatives than they were.”
“So I get the last laugh. HAHAHA.” ~ Fluffy_Doubter
“Two of my siblings were absolutely accidents (breastfeeding is NOT birth control, folks!) and there are definitely light-hearted jokes about them being opposites.”
“There are jokes about one of my sisters being evicted (emergency c-section).”
“People make jokes about conception and birth methods quite often.”
“For OP being IVF to be open, common knowledge, and frequently talked about in their family and someone getting that upset about it after 20 years shows that person has their own issues.”
“Definitely NTA.” ~ ColoredGayngels
“NTA. Your uncle calling you an accident was super gross and basically invaded your and your parents’ privacy, because who TF is he to make this kind of assumption?”
“He is the one who should be ashamed since we all know what sort of accident he was referring to.”
“In the future, though, it might be worth finding out how your parents would feel about people knowing this fact about you (and, by extension, them).” ~ keinebedeutung
“NTA – it is only shameful if you equate the need for IVF with some failure of the parents.”
“Next time he yells ask him if he is worried infertility runs in the family and if he is ashamed of your parents for needing help.”
“Also, tell him it is more shameful for him, a grown man, to imply that you were unwanted and pretend to a knowledge of other people he does not have.” ~ Timely_Egg_6827
“NTA; it does feel like we’re missing some sort of context though.”
“Cultural things that I’m not aware of aside, your uncle needs to get over himself, and let it go.”
“You’re still NTA.” ~ MissyOzark
“NTA, it would appear your uncle is projecting his own insecurities.”
“Be proud of who you are, and the incredible advancements in medicine that brought you here.”
“Sincerely, a hopeful mom-to-be in the middle of her first IVF cycle.”
“I hope one day my child can be as proud as you.” ~ papayacounterbalance
“NTA. As a parent of IVF babies, I can assure you the pain and suffering my wife and I had to go through means you are indeed loved with a passion over and above what’s normal.”
“As to whether you should tell people.”
“It’s up to you.”
“I might suggest you ask your parents first if they mind, as it can be something that they don’t want to be known.”
“In my case, I’d urge you to tell all.”
“You’re awesome, you’re unique and so loved.”
“Have a great day.” ~ OriginalStockingfan
“NTA and your uncle are very weird and also wrong.”
“Nothing about IVF is shameful.”
“Also, it might have been something your parents cared to keep private, but you are an adult, and it’s how you were born, so it’s up to you for it to be private or not.” ~ CarbonationRequired
“NTA, obviously.”
“Here’s the thing about IVF parents – we are grateful every damn day.”
“Even the tough parenting days.”
“You and my children are part of a miracle created through science and love, and personally, I never had any trouble talking about it if people asked.”
“Nothing to hide or be ashamed of.”
“And by the way, we had a surprise third baby after ten IVF cycles and two babies (all three are teens now) – and our reaction was to feel triply blessed and never to take any of this for granted.”
“Certainly not to consider it an ‘accident.'”
“But anyway, none of this is your uncle’s business, and your parents should tell him to zip it.” ~ SortofWriter
“NTA. I can’t give you any cultural context,t but I was conceived with ART as well (IUI with sperm donor semen) and have no issue discussing it.”
“My dad is my dad.”
“My donor is my donor.”
“And my 30+ half-siblings and I have a remarkably gay Facebook chat where we share memes because we’re all millennials.” ~ Obstetrix
“NTA… your culture sounds to me like one of these where men must be strong and verily and you blurting out how they had to pay to have you, makes his brother or sister less than because they couldn’t get you naturally.”
“He’s the AH, and you shouldn’t have to be yelled at for it, but also being loud and proud of being an IVF baby is weird.”
“Imagine if we were ‘proud our parents banged the old fashioned way to have us.'”
“Proud of your method of conception is just weird. Lol.” ~ DadsBadAtGaming
“NTA. I am trying to have a baby via IVF.”
“If we are successful, we will explain to the children someday how they were made.”
“Once we tell them, it becomes part of their story, too, and they can tell who they wish.”
“We will probably warn them, however, that not everybody is supportive of IVF and to be prepared for possible negative reactions.”
“I hope that they someday feel like you do—confident in the knowledge that we wanted them so much we went through a lot of difficulty to have them.” ~ CosmicGreen_Giraffe3
“NTA… this is your personal story, and your 100% your choice how you choose to share it.”
“Your uncle is out of line.”
“Most likely some religious-based guilt of not doing things ‘God’s way’ that he is projecting on you.”
“That is his problem to deal with, not yours.”
“For example- I left the Catholic church due to their stance, but many other churches are not against reproductive help- it is an entire rabbit hole for another day.”
“I have an IVF baby (well teen) myself who is fully aware and speaks freely about it.”
“I saved a lot of the documents to help them understand, and at this point, it is just a part of their story.” ~ wfhchamp
“NTA – my daughter is also an IVF baby, and we’ve told people that she was mixed in a dish since… well since she was mixed in a dish!”
“She loves it and is now a midwife.”
“She will soon be giving a guest lecture to a fertility specialists’ conference, which I think is fabulous ❤️.”
“Be proud of your origins story!” ~ Tabby_Mc
“NTA. I will be the first to say this may be a cultural difference because I’m in the US, and you mentioned what you said in your language.”
“But I honestly don’t understand what your uncle has to be embarrassed about.”
“Even if IVF were something to be ashamed of (it’s not), he’s not the one that went through it.”
“Maybe someone should tell him that since the people actually involved in the IVF are not ashamed, he can shut up.” ~ Independent_Prior612
“NTA. The only thing I can think of is that he’s embarrassed on behalf of his sibling that they couldn’t naturally conceive.”
“Or he can’t conceive, is embarrassed, and took it out on you?”
“Maybe he’s got a kid who also was IVF, and that kid doesn’t know because he’s embarrassed?”
“People get weird about that sort of thing.”
“Anyway, you’re totally not the a**hole, and he’s being weird and mean.” ~ kingchik
“NTA. Also, since the only people that it really involves are you and your parents, if your parents are also not embarrassed or ashamed of having an IVF baby (not that they should in any way, shape, or form, I think it’s great), then I think it’s your prerogative to joke or say anything you want about it.”
“The uncle can go sulk in private.” ~ ANorthernBanana
“NTA. Your uncle can make jokes about you being ‘a mistake,’ but you can’t correct him?”
“Sounds like your uncle doesn’t really understand what it means to be ‘an IVF’ baby and is shifting his embarrassment onto you.” ~ Nyx-by-night
“NTA. Don’t allow your uncle to censor your truth.”
“I suspect that if you were a man, he wouldn’t be so free with inappropriate criticism.”
“‘Culture’ and ‘respect for elders’ is neither an explanation nor a justification for his egregious behavior.”
“It’s irrelevant whether IVF babies are common.”
“You are allowed to tell people your own history.”
“You should not apologize for what you said; it will send the worst message of validation to him.” ~ CandylandCanada
“Mother of an IVF baby here.”
“Nothing shameful about it.”
“I’m proud that we didn’t give up.”
“I’m so glad we fought so hard.”
“I’m incredibly proud of the young man that bunch of cells that were mixed outside my defective body has become.”
“And I’m so so grateful to the scientists that made him possible.”
“You are NTA.” ~ Bazzlekry
Reddit is with you, OP.
What you’re going through is awful.
There is no shame in IVF.
You deserve to be here.
Your uncle is completely out of line.
Keep telling your story.