For a lot of people, family is not easy to handle.
Not all blood runs that thick.
Sometimes, the most toxic people share DNA.
This is a harsh truth to deal with.
And learning how to navigate it never seems to get easier.
Redditor kittylover419 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA if I say no to letting my sister wear my wedding dress?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (34 F[emale]) have a sister (37 F) who just recently got engaged in February. "
"My sister and I were never close growing up, to the point where this summer we went N[o] C[ontact] after another argument."
"My partner and I will have been married 3 years this August, and after my partner proposed, my sister messaged me saying she did not want to be involved in the wedding or even hear about wedding plans."
"Although it was hurtful, I complied, and now that she is getting married, she has begun to make contact again."
"Today, while talking to my mother, she mentioned that my sister had said she wants to wear my wedding veil."
"I told her that was okay as long as I could give it to her with a box stating 'something borrowed' as I have already offered it to two other friends with upcoming weddings."
"Then my mother informs me my sister and her partner are getting married the weekend of my and my partner's wedding anniversary."
"That they are booking the same photographer, that she wants her photos taken in the same location as mine- and then asked if my sister could wear my dress."
"Which she would have to have fitted so it would never be my dress again."
"I expressed to my mother that I wasn't sure about using my dress and how I wanted to keep it."
"However, my father chimed in to the phone call saying I should 'just give it to her.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA if I say no?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"She's not even asking you herself… NTA." ~ Competitive_Guide460
"Why would you lend your dress or veil to someone you don't speak to?"
"This makes zero sense to me." ~ Reasonable-Sale8611
"Time to go back to no contact."
"Tell her you don't want to be a part of the wedding or hear about it."
"Match the energy that she gave you."
"Your parents don't really care about you. You're the backup plan in their old age."
'Surround yourself with people that see you as the main event and vice versa." ~ snowpixiemn
"You are NC, though, so there is no peace needing to be kept."
"They expect you to cave because your sister is difficult, but you don't have a relationship with your sister, so you can be as difficult as you please because her tantrums won't affect you."
"When your parents bring it up, tell them, 'my answer is no, and if you ask again I will hang up/leave,' then follow through."
"You are not being crazy; your family is just used to treating you as a doormat, so change the narrative."
"Oh, and don't give her your veil either because you can say it's 'something borrowed' but she will never give it back and your parents will not back you on it."
"Oh, and stay away from your sister."
"She sounds mentally unstable, wanting to recreate your wedding with her as the bride."
"Do your parents have photos from your wedding?
"She could easily swap them out with her own, and no one would ever notice unless they looked closely at the faces."
"Your sister wants to replace/erase you." ~ Environmental_Art591
"You're not being crazy."
"I hope you don't cave on this."
"Your sister sounds way too used to getting her own way at your expense." ~ Dittoheadforever
"PLEASE DON'T DO THIS!"
"You'll never get the items back, or if you do, they will be RUINED!" ~ FATCRANKYOLDHAG
"Don't let her get away with it this time."
"It's too important." ~ Agreeable-Body-7278
"She's not entitled to a free dress, and let her know you have more peace when she's in NO Contact."
"Tell your dad of her supports her, her can give her an 'effin dress." ~ Melodic_Ranger926
"NTA. And store the dress at a trusted friend's house so your mother doesn't somehow come into your house and take it."
"It's your dress."
"You deserve to keep it." ~ Janetaz18
"NTA - I don't understand why your sister is trying to replicate your wedding."
"I have to be honest, I wouldn't even let her borrow the veil."
"Especially considering she wanted nothing to do with your wedding."
"Which makes the whole thing even more bizarre considering she's copying you right down to the date or weekend of your wedding anniversary."
"This is weird." ~ NotBettySpaghetti
"NTA. That is YOUR dress."
"You can't stop her from using the same photographer, booking the venue, same date, etc, but you can sure as hell tell her to get her own dress."
"What's she going to want next, your husband?" ~ Finnegan7921
"NTA. Your wedding dress is yours to keep and preserve for yourself or to give away to someone else if that's what you want to do."
"It's very telling that your sister and you haven't been in contact for what sounds like several months, and it's only now that she wants to borrow your veil (at first), and now wants the entire dress (as of now), knowing that you will never have it for your own souvenier of your own wedding again if you give it to her."
"Your father's opinion is his own, and he is entitled to it."
"Keep in mind, however, that most men rent tuxedos to be married in, clothing that has been worn by probably dozens and dozens of other men before and after them."
"They don't feel the same way about wedding clothing that women do."
"It sounds like your sister, by using the same venue as yours, wearing your veil and dress, and on your anniversary as well, is trying to hijack your memories of your wedding; the photos of all that will complete the deal."
"Why would she do that?"
"It sounds like she is very jealous/envious of what you and your husband have and your own wedding and wants to take those memories away from you for some reason."
"It sounds malicious and spiteful to me, dressed up in words that sound like she's making nice but really isn't."
"She has the choice of any other date, almost any other venue, and getting her own dress and veil."
"If you aren't completely comfortable with all that she's doing, don't loan or give her anything at all."
"These are your memories, your wedding, your dress, yours and your husband's."
"Don't let her horn in on that." ~ LonelyOwl68
"NTA… what?"
"This sister who wanted nothing to do with your wedding, did not attend, now not only wants your veil, but your dress as well, and us basically mirroring your wedding?"
"Just tell her no to everything."
"You have gone no contact."
"Keep it that way."
"The only reason there is contact now is because she wants something from you." ~ Worth-Season3645
"NTA... personally, if I went to a wedding with this much stolen s**t, I would think the bride is a loser."
"Why does she want to embarrass herself like this?" ~ livesina-dream
"NTA. your sister seems like she is upset that her younger sister got married first, and she basically wants to copy your whole wedding as some weird power play." ~ Agitated_Pin2169
"NTA. What is with this surge in posts with sisters/cousins wanting to wear OP's wedding dress?!?"
"OP, why are you beating yourself up over a woman who ignored you and showed no interest in you or your wedding, a very momentous occasion in your life?!?"
"Say no and tell your parents it's not up for discussion."
"You are building a life/family, focus on those who treat you with love and respect." ~ OrganicFeedback4451
"NTA. And honestly, your sister sounds a little bit insane to be copying basically everything she can about your wedding."
"It would already be weird to do so many things the same even if you were close, but the fact that she didn't want to be involved in your wedding or hear about it and you've been pretty L[ow] C[ontact] makes this insane." ~ justaperson_probably
"NTA. The dress is yours."
"You have no obligation to let her borrow it for her wedding, especially considering she would need to have it altered to wear it."
"If you're feeling generous, tell your mother that your sister can borrow your veil."
"But you shouldn't feel obligated to do this either."
"Tell your mother your sister will need to find her own dress." ~ Wild_Ticket1413
"Tell your sister you don't want to be involved with the wedding or hear about any plans, just as she did to you."
"Telling her not to get involved means no veil and no dress of yours for her.'
"Then put the phone down and block her."
"I agree with what others here have said: hide the dress with a friend."
"She seems obsessed with trying to copy you by stealing your date, your venue, your photographer, and now your veil and dress."
"Imitation may be the most sincere form of flattery, but it's also creepy and, as someone else said, an attempt to hijack your wedding memories."
"If you do talk to her, ask her what it's like having someone else living rent-free in her head and being so jealous that she has to try and copycat you on everything instead of making her wedding her own? NTA!" ~ thecatsothermother
"NTA. No is an answer."
"I would use it."
"This is your wedding dress."
"From a daughter who kept quiet to keep the peace for most of her life and whose sister still feels as if she deserves use of all that I have, even my husband, my children, my home."
"I am regularly reminded that I am just not good enough at anything I do."
"The emotional repercussions of challenging her hurt me too badly to change it now."
"I hate myself, I hate my sister, and I wish that I had stood up for myself all those years ago when we first got married."
"Do yourself a favor."
"Stand up now."
"Draw healthy boundaries and stick by them."
"It will hurt a heck of a lot."
"Love yourself enough to do this."
"I do not want you to wind up in my situation where you hate what you see in the mirror." ~ Odd-Comfort-1478
"NTA. wipe your hands clean of that sister."
"Imagine telling you she wants nothing to do with your wedding but knows all the intimate details of it despite it all."
"Creepy."
"Don't lend her anything, OP."
"You're free to choose who you want to interact with in your life. go back to NC would be less stressful for you." ~ luprente
"NTA. I mean this very earnestly; your sister is mentally ill."
"No sane person would copy their sibling's wedding to such a degree."
"We used the same DJ as our friends, two of my cousins used the same venue, we copied the show game from one set of friends and then watched my cousins possibly copy it from us."
"It's normal to have a few things be shared."
'But the venue, and photographer, THE DATE AND YOUR DRESS AND VEIL???"
"That's actually insanity."
"And at a minimum, your parents are enablers for not shutting that down."
"Honestly, she needs professional help, and you should just cut contact again."
"Her wedding is going to be a shadow copy of yours, and it's weeeeird." ~ GirlL1997
"NTA. Absolutely not!"
"Do not let your sister wear your dress or your veil."
"She's copying everything you do, and her behavior clearly shows jealousy, not love or respect."
"I've been through something similar with one of my own sisters, and it took me years to accept that no matter how much I gave, how many chances I offered, or how hard I tried, the relationship wasn't going to change—because she wasn't willing to change."
"And when you mentioned your parents getting involved?"
"That hit home."
"For decades, I fell into the same trap—my sister would use our mom, knowing how much I loved her, to manipulate me into making peace or giving in."
"I finally realized that my feelings, efforts, and good intentions didn't matter to her."
"So I stopped."
"I accepted the truth of the relationship, and I let go."
"It's called radical acceptance—and it's freeing."
"No more guilt."
"No more walking on eggshells."
"Just peace." ~ freedareader
"Tell Dad to keep the peace and buy his daughter a dress."
"He's good at giving instructions; suggest he take his own advice." ~ BeesKneesHollow
"NTA. It's your dress, and if I were you, I'd resent my parents advocating for it."
"On the one hand, you'll never wear it again, so why not?"
"On the other, your sister was totally rude about your wedding, and you've gone as far as to let her use your veil, so you're already being plenty generous." ~ Regular_Boot_3540
"NTA, they are cheap and creepy, and frankly, I'd say that."
"Also, send the dress and veil somewhere parents won't guess for safe keeping." ~ nolechica
OP came back with some info...
"Thank you to everyone who commented and gave advice."
"I appreciate the support and some kicks in the a** to remind me that my feelings matter."
"I have my dress, and it will be going to a safe place this week."
"As this conversation started with my mother, I told her that my dress and veil are off limits."
"I said my sister could talk to me if she wanted to, and I could tell her the same—that I would not be sharing my things."
"Thanks again for the support."
"My mother was not so understanding, and your comments are helpful to keep me strong."
Reddit is here for you, OP.
Your sister can get her own dress.
And what is with copying so many aspects of your wedding?
It might be a good idea to stay No Contact.
Protect your peace of mind.
Sorry your parents don't have your back.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp