For a lot of people, family is not easy to handle.
Not all blood runs that thick.
Sometimes, the most toxic people share DNA.
This is a harsh truth to deal with.
And learning how to navigate it never seems to get easier.
Redditor kittylover419 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA if I say no to letting my sister wear my wedding dress?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (34 F[emale]) have a sister (37 F) who just recently got engaged in February. “
“My sister and I were never close growing up, to the point where this summer we went N[o] C[ontact] after another argument.”
“My partner and I will have been married 3 years this August, and after my partner proposed, my sister messaged me saying she did not want to be involved in the wedding or even hear about wedding plans.”
“Although it was hurtful, I complied, and now that she is getting married, she has begun to make contact again.”
“Today, while talking to my mother, she mentioned that my sister had said she wants to wear my wedding veil.”
“I told her that was okay as long as I could give it to her with a box stating ‘something borrowed’ as I have already offered it to two other friends with upcoming weddings.”
“Then my mother informs me my sister and her partner are getting married the weekend of my and my partner’s wedding anniversary.”
“That they are booking the same photographer, that she wants her photos taken in the same location as mine- and then asked if my sister could wear my dress.”
“Which she would have to have fitted so it would never be my dress again.”
“I expressed to my mother that I wasn’t sure about using my dress and how I wanted to keep it.”
“However, my father chimed in to the phone call saying I should ‘just give it to her.'”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA if I say no?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“She’s not even asking you herself… NTA.” ~ Competitive_Guide460
“Why would you lend your dress or veil to someone you don’t speak to?”
“This makes zero sense to me.” ~ Reasonable-Sale8611
“Time to go back to no contact.”
“Tell her you don’t want to be a part of the wedding or hear about it.”
“Match the energy that she gave you.”
“Your parents don’t really care about you. You’re the backup plan in their old age.”
‘Surround yourself with people that see you as the main event and vice versa.” ~ snowpixiemn
“You are NC, though, so there is no peace needing to be kept.”
“They expect you to cave because your sister is difficult, but you don’t have a relationship with your sister, so you can be as difficult as you please because her tantrums won’t affect you.”
“When your parents bring it up, tell them, ‘my answer is no, and if you ask again I will hang up/leave,’ then follow through.”
“You are not being crazy; your family is just used to treating you as a doormat, so change the narrative.”
“Oh, and don’t give her your veil either because you can say it’s ‘something borrowed’ but she will never give it back and your parents will not back you on it.”
“Oh, and stay away from your sister.”
“She sounds mentally unstable, wanting to recreate your wedding with her as the bride.”
“Do your parents have photos from your wedding?
“She could easily swap them out with her own, and no one would ever notice unless they looked closely at the faces.”
“Your sister wants to replace/erase you.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“You’re not being crazy.”
“I hope you don’t cave on this.”
“Your sister sounds way too used to getting her own way at your expense.” ~ Dittoheadforever
“PLEASE DON’T DO THIS!”
“You’ll never get the items back, or if you do, they will be RUINED!” ~ FATCRANKYOLDHAG
“Don’t let her get away with it this time.”
“It’s too important.” ~ Agreeable-Body-7278
“She’s not entitled to a free dress, and let her know you have more peace when she’s in NO Contact.”
“Tell your dad of her supports her, her can give her an ‘effin dress.” ~ Melodic_Ranger926
“NTA. And store the dress at a trusted friend’s house so your mother doesn’t somehow come into your house and take it.”
“It’s your dress.”
“You deserve to keep it.” ~ Janetaz18
“NTA – I don’t understand why your sister is trying to replicate your wedding.”
“I have to be honest, I wouldn’t even let her borrow the veil.”
“Especially considering she wanted nothing to do with your wedding.”
“Which makes the whole thing even more bizarre considering she’s copying you right down to the date or weekend of your wedding anniversary.”
“This is weird.” ~ NotBettySpaghetti
“NTA. That is YOUR dress.”
“You can’t stop her from using the same photographer, booking the venue, same date, etc, but you can sure as hell tell her to get her own dress.”
“What’s she going to want next, your husband?” ~ Finnegan7921
“NTA. Your wedding dress is yours to keep and preserve for yourself or to give away to someone else if that’s what you want to do.”
“It’s very telling that your sister and you haven’t been in contact for what sounds like several months, and it’s only now that she wants to borrow your veil (at first), and now wants the entire dress (as of now), knowing that you will never have it for your own souvenier of your own wedding again if you give it to her.”
“Your father’s opinion is his own, and he is entitled to it.”
“Keep in mind, however, that most men rent tuxedos to be married in, clothing that has been worn by probably dozens and dozens of other men before and after them.”
“They don’t feel the same way about wedding clothing that women do.”
“It sounds like your sister, by using the same venue as yours, wearing your veil and dress, and on your anniversary as well, is trying to hijack your memories of your wedding; the photos of all that will complete the deal.”
“Why would she do that?”
“It sounds like she is very jealous/envious of what you and your husband have and your own wedding and wants to take those memories away from you for some reason.”
“It sounds malicious and spiteful to me, dressed up in words that sound like she’s making nice but really isn’t.”
“She has the choice of any other date, almost any other venue, and getting her own dress and veil.”
“If you aren’t completely comfortable with all that she’s doing, don’t loan or give her anything at all.”
“These are your memories, your wedding, your dress, yours and your husband’s.”
“Don’t let her horn in on that.” ~ LonelyOwl68
“NTA… what?”
“This sister who wanted nothing to do with your wedding, did not attend, now not only wants your veil, but your dress as well, and us basically mirroring your wedding?”
“Just tell her no to everything.”
“You have gone no contact.”
“Keep it that way.”
“The only reason there is contact now is because she wants something from you.” ~ Worth-Season3645
“NTA… personally, if I went to a wedding with this much stolen s**t, I would think the bride is a loser.”
“Why does she want to embarrass herself like this?” ~ livesina-dream
“NTA. your sister seems like she is upset that her younger sister got married first, and she basically wants to copy your whole wedding as some weird power play.” ~ Agitated_Pin2169
“NTA. What is with this surge in posts with sisters/cousins wanting to wear OP’s wedding dress?!?”
“OP, why are you beating yourself up over a woman who ignored you and showed no interest in you or your wedding, a very momentous occasion in your life?!?”
“Say no and tell your parents it’s not up for discussion.”
“You are building a life/family, focus on those who treat you with love and respect.” ~ OrganicFeedback4451
“NTA. And honestly, your sister sounds a little bit insane to be copying basically everything she can about your wedding.”
“It would already be weird to do so many things the same even if you were close, but the fact that she didn’t want to be involved in your wedding or hear about it and you’ve been pretty L[ow] C[ontact] makes this insane.” ~ justaperson_probably
“NTA. The dress is yours.”
“You have no obligation to let her borrow it for her wedding, especially considering she would need to have it altered to wear it.”
“If you’re feeling generous, tell your mother that your sister can borrow your veil.”
“But you shouldn’t feel obligated to do this either.”
“Tell your mother your sister will need to find her own dress.” ~ Wild_Ticket1413
“Tell your sister you don’t want to be involved with the wedding or hear about any plans, just as she did to you.”
“Telling her not to get involved means no veil and no dress of yours for her.’
“Then put the phone down and block her.”
“I agree with what others here have said: hide the dress with a friend.”
“She seems obsessed with trying to copy you by stealing your date, your venue, your photographer, and now your veil and dress.”
“Imitation may be the most sincere form of flattery, but it’s also creepy and, as someone else said, an attempt to hijack your wedding memories.”
“If you do talk to her, ask her what it’s like having someone else living rent-free in her head and being so jealous that she has to try and copycat you on everything instead of making her wedding her own? NTA!” ~ thecatsothermother
“NTA. No is an answer.”
“I would use it.”
“This is your wedding dress.”
“From a daughter who kept quiet to keep the peace for most of her life and whose sister still feels as if she deserves use of all that I have, even my husband, my children, my home.”
“I am regularly reminded that I am just not good enough at anything I do.”
“The emotional repercussions of challenging her hurt me too badly to change it now.”
“I hate myself, I hate my sister, and I wish that I had stood up for myself all those years ago when we first got married.”
“Do yourself a favor.”
“Stand up now.”
“Draw healthy boundaries and stick by them.”
“It will hurt a heck of a lot.”
“Love yourself enough to do this.”
“I do not want you to wind up in my situation where you hate what you see in the mirror.” ~ Odd-Comfort-1478
“NTA. wipe your hands clean of that sister.”
“Imagine telling you she wants nothing to do with your wedding but knows all the intimate details of it despite it all.”
“Creepy.”
“Don’t lend her anything, OP.”
“You’re free to choose who you want to interact with in your life. go back to NC would be less stressful for you.” ~ luprente
“NTA. I mean this very earnestly; your sister is mentally ill.”
“No sane person would copy their sibling’s wedding to such a degree.”
“We used the same DJ as our friends, two of my cousins used the same venue, we copied the show game from one set of friends and then watched my cousins possibly copy it from us.”
“It’s normal to have a few things be shared.”
‘But the venue, and photographer, THE DATE AND YOUR DRESS AND VEIL???”
“That’s actually insanity.”
“And at a minimum, your parents are enablers for not shutting that down.”
“Honestly, she needs professional help, and you should just cut contact again.”
“Her wedding is going to be a shadow copy of yours, and it’s weeeeird.” ~ GirlL1997
“NTA. Absolutely not!”
“Do not let your sister wear your dress or your veil.”
“She’s copying everything you do, and her behavior clearly shows jealousy, not love or respect.”
“I’ve been through something similar with one of my own sisters, and it took me years to accept that no matter how much I gave, how many chances I offered, or how hard I tried, the relationship wasn’t going to change—because she wasn’t willing to change.”
“And when you mentioned your parents getting involved?”
“That hit home.”
“For decades, I fell into the same trap—my sister would use our mom, knowing how much I loved her, to manipulate me into making peace or giving in.”
“I finally realized that my feelings, efforts, and good intentions didn’t matter to her.”
“So I stopped.”
“I accepted the truth of the relationship, and I let go.”
“It’s called radical acceptance—and it’s freeing.”
“No more guilt.”
“No more walking on eggshells.”
“Just peace.” ~ freedareader
“Tell Dad to keep the peace and buy his daughter a dress.”
“He’s good at giving instructions; suggest he take his own advice.” ~ BeesKneesHollow
“NTA. It’s your dress, and if I were you, I’d resent my parents advocating for it.”
“On the one hand, you’ll never wear it again, so why not?”
“On the other, your sister was totally rude about your wedding, and you’ve gone as far as to let her use your veil, so you’re already being plenty generous.” ~ Regular_Boot_3540
“NTA, they are cheap and creepy, and frankly, I’d say that.”
“Also, send the dress and veil somewhere parents won’t guess for safe keeping.” ~ nolechica
OP came back with some info…
“Thank you to everyone who commented and gave advice.”
“I appreciate the support and some kicks in the a** to remind me that my feelings matter.”
“I have my dress, and it will be going to a safe place this week.”
“As this conversation started with my mother, I told her that my dress and veil are off limits.”
“I said my sister could talk to me if she wanted to, and I could tell her the same—that I would not be sharing my things.”
“Thanks again for the support.”
“My mother was not so understanding, and your comments are helpful to keep me strong.”
Reddit is here for you, OP.
Your sister can get her own dress.
And what is with copying so many aspects of your wedding?
It might be a good idea to stay No Contact.
Protect your peace of mind.
Sorry your parents don’t have your back.