When helping someone looking to make improvements, encouragement and advice is important while constant criticism is discouraging.
But sometimes what one person thinks is advice and encouragement is received as criticism.
A person dealing with the fallout of his dieting assistance turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Substantial-Grape541 asked:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend the exact amount of calories she ate in a single day?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My girlfriend is on the bigger side, which is something I do not mind. I am on the more fit side, I’m pretty lean, have well defined muscles and probably around 15% body fat.
“I used to be about 40 pounds heavier and lost the weight pretty simply.”
“My girlfriend always complains about her weight and her body. I tell her I find her sexy for so many reasons outside her body and it didn’t matter to me whether she got bigger or smaller.”
“Eventually she decided she wanted to lose weight.”
“I offered to help and when I pointed out things she could be doing better she gets mad at me. She isn’t losing weight currently and in fact says she is gaining a few extra pounds.”
“I ask her what exactly she eats in a day. She says she eats healthy so she should lose weight.”
“I question that and we have an argument. I tell her that if she wants to show me, let me just spend a day with her and see what she eats in a day.”
“She said only if I don’t make comments on what she’s eating as she’s eating it. I agreed.”
“Now by the end of the day she had consumed a plate of avocado toast that was about 400 calories, a coffee that was 110 calories, an 800 calorie salad from Chick-fil-A and a fry (as a ‘reward’ for the salad) and veggie burrito that was about 500 calories. Along with snaking a bit throughout the day.”
“Her total consumption was about 2200 calories.”
“At the end of the day, I explained this to her. My exact words were that the amount of calories she is consuming is the amount I need to maintain my weight as a man 5 inches and 20 pounds bigger, who is constantly active.”
“So chances are she’ll slowly gain weight eating like that and that eating healthy isn’t going to guarantee she’ll lose weight.”
“She got super f*cking pissed at me and told me I wasn’t helping her and was just shaming her. I told her I want to help her, but she did not listen.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I could be an a**hole for giving the feedback I did in a way my girlfriend wasn’t receptive to, I guess it could also be taken pretty badly that I just tallied up everything she did ‘wrong’.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“YTA. I get you want to help, but given that you’ve offered all this advice and help without being asked, it can come across as pushy. A lot of people will complain about their weight, but won’t change or properly focus on their diet until they’re ready.”
“Just tell her you’re happy to exercise or meal prep with her if she likes and leave it at that. And if she complains about anything, ask her is she looking for advice or to vent before giving your opinion. Saves any unnecessary arguments.” ~ CockroachWarm5508
“YTA. Doesn’t seem like she ever asked for this help you continually volunteered.” ~ sorrySheamus
“It sounds more like she’s venting about an issue rather than directly asking you for help.”
“Weight loss/gain is also more complicated for some people than just calories. Women have different needs than men, and her body is going to respond differently than yours. I think if this is something she serious about, she should consult a professional like a nutritionist and see what their advice is.”
“There could also be other factors you’re not accounting for. If she’s on birth control, that could easily be the cause of weight gain despite any attempts to lose it.”
“While you had good intentions, I don’t think it had the result you wanted. I’m gonna say a pretty gentle YTA cause I think all you managed was hurting your partner’s feelings.” ~ actuallywaffles
“YTA. If you’re shoving numbers in someone’s face, it’s not going to work.”
“Why are either of you eating fast food? Start cooking for both of you at home. Creates a healthier relationship with food, and it’s fun.” ~ Additional_Initial_7
“YTA for the way you handled it. But I know you mean well so I’ll share something that worked for me.”
“She wants to lose weight. Most people can relate to that. But we sometimes fail to go a step further and ask ourselves why we want that. Is it an aesthetic thing? A health thing?”
“If it’s about health, it would be good to focus on the health issues she’s experiencing. Is she low on energy? Does she want to be able to build more endurance? Is it respiratory issues? Muscle pain?”
“Try to focus on that instead of just the scale. What diet or what activity would help her feel better? Maybe she doesn’t need to lose weight at all, just build muscle or train her cardiovascular system.”
“Weight is very heavily loaded with negative emotions. Finding other goals is usually easier, as they’re not linked to trauma so they can be pursued better. Try to focus on how much she can walk a day, how much weight she can lift, how fast she can swim or how well she sleeps, instead of just the scale and the calories.” ~ assuntta7
“Suggestion 1. Don’t tell her what not to do, it isn’t helpful and comes across as patronising. Make suggestions on what she could do.”
“For example instead of ‘don’t eat that it’s not healthy’ or ‘don’t eat so much’, you could suggest foods she could eat instead. Calorie counting is a difficult thing for some people, especially some women.”
“Suggestion 2. You could alternatively make it about being healthier instead of losing weight. Motivate her to eat healthy. 5 fruit and veg a day, lean proteins, less sugar and less salt.”
“While these do not necessarily result in losing weight, I mean for all intents and purposes they kind of do. Eating more fruit and veg may also take her appetite away.”
“Suggestion 3. Talk to her and ask her what she wants from you (should have been 1) I would say a very light YTA, sounds like you’re coming off a bit strong even though I’m sure you have the best intentions.” ~ BillyBong94
“How educated are you on women’s fitness, energy, and nutritional differences given their menstrual cycle (plus any of the common hormonal disorders like PCOS if relevant for gf)?”
“Leaning towards YTA assuming it was never really discussed tangibly. Just because you ‘offered to help’ doesn’t mean it was welcomed. Just because it may be welcomed it may not be the way you instinctively want to help.”
“Just like there’s love languages, I believe there’s help/support languages. Are you both aware of how you may differ in this dynamic?”
“As a woman, sometimes my helpful dudes in my life help too aggressively when given the opportunity. It feels like they take over rather than support. I can’t imagine feeling like a man may be trying to mansplain my body and diet to me, however innocent the intent.”
“Body image is usually deeply personal and sensitive for many women, so we can be protective of things we perceive or actually are harmful to our well-being.”
“Even your wording of ‘I question what exactly…’ feels gross to me. Most people who didn’t ask for that kind of support specifically would like bristle. Imagine your boss said that about how you spent your time at work… “
“I question what exactly you do in a day… and then we have an argument! Are you feeling inappropriately overly responsible for her success so you use this kind of language (super outcome/solution focused)?”
“Are you potentially projecting internalized stories about body image, weight management, effort, intellect, etc… onto your gf? (ex. You believe anyone can lose weight if they just xyz hard enough bc it’s not rocket science). “
“You know how at the end of your post you are frustrated that you want to help, but ‘she won’t listen’? Maybe… just maybe… your gf feels similar. She wants XYZ from you but you just won’t listen.”
“Maybe ask her to give you some specific ways she would feel you could give support.”
“Maybe let her set the pace for her weight loss. Even if that feels frustrating to you, it’s HER body.”
“Maybe listen to her when she says she is feeling shamed. Your intention to just help and not shame is irrelevant in that moment. The reality is she felt bad bc of something you did/said. Listen to her. Without trying to fix it.”
“Maybe encourage her to build a portfolio of friends or family who can diversify her support so it’s not all on you.”
“Maybe remember that more information isn’t what she needs most. Believe it or not, most people know what they need to do. Instead they are feeling like sh*t is too hard and are in need of encouragement or someone who will join in the suck with them.”
“You sound exasperated and kind of over it. And at the same time you come off as exasperating.” ~ YAYtersalad
Unsolicited advice is rarely appreciated.
Advice about sensitive subjects does even more poorly.