Sometimes it's really obvious when someone in our life doesn't care about us. From the very beginning, they might mispronounce or spell our names, forget what we care about, or dismiss us entirely.
But sometimes, it takes years to realize that someone we love doesn't care about us at all, and that hurts so much more, empathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor FamiliarAttorney2284 had been dating a guy for three years and reminded him this year of her birthday, because he forgot about it the previous year.
But when he forgot her birthday, even with reminders, and misspelled her name, the Original Poster (OP) no longer felt like he cared about her and wondered what that meant for their relationship.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being mad that my boyfriend 'forgot' my birthday after I reminded him about it all week?"
The OP went the extra mile and reminded her boyfriend that her birthday was coming up.
"I (26 Female) and my boyfriend (28 Male) have been together for almost three years."
"My birthday was yesterday."
"I had been reminding him ALL week because last year he also almost forgot but said it was because work was crazy, so I tried to be understanding and help him out. This year, I even joked like, 'Haha, don't forget I'm aging,' and he laughed, so I thought we were good."
Then the OP's boyfriend forgot anyway.
"The day came, I woke up, and nothing. No text, no kiss, nothing."
"We live together, by the way. He just got ready for work like normal."
"I was kind of waiting to see if he would say something, but nope."
"So before he left, I said, 'Do you know what today is?'"
"He stared at me for a second and then went, 'Oh s**t… was that today?'"
"I got really quiet because, honestly, it hurt a lot."
"He said he was sorry and that he had 'something planned later,' but, like, why wouldn't he say 'Happy Birthday' at least?"
"I went to work feeling stupid for even expecting anything."
The boyfriend's efforts were lackluster at best.
"Later that night, he came home with a cake from the grocery store and a card he clearly bought on the way home."
"The card wasn't even filled out all the way. He just wrote 'Love you' inside and spelled my name wrong."
"I started crying and told him it felt like he didn't care about me."
"He got defensive and said I was overreacting and that 'adults don't make a big deal about birthdays,' but he makes a HUGE deal about his every year, like, he takes the whole weekend off and expects gifts."
The OP couldn't look past being forgotten again.
"Now he's barely talking to me and told his sister about it. She texted me, saying that I need to chill and that guys just forget stuff, but I don't know…"
"I reminded him, we live together, we've dated for three years, and it feels like the bare minimum?"
"So am I overreacting for being this upset? Or am I justified in feeling hurt?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were furious on the OP's behalf and said there was no way the boyfriend "forgot."
"I met my husband when I was 22. He still doesn't forget my birthday. Neither does our cat."
"To OP, I'm so sorry that your partner did this. He doesn't care. The fact that he makes a big deal over his birthday and even got his sister to guilt-trip you? Massive red flags."
"I hope your next birthday is 100x better, and when you leave the walking red flag, I'm sure it will be." - fergie_89
"If she were a priority, he would remember. I never understood guys forgetting important dates. I'm sorry, but you are a bad boyfriend or husband if you forget your partner's birthday or anniversary." - Floridaman8712
"The sister's 'guys forget stuff' seals the deal. This guy has been given a free pass his whole life; he's not changing."
"The real answer is, No, guys only 'forget stuff' when they don't care about it. I bet he never 'forgets' when he has a gaming time, drinking time, workout time, whatever time, with the guys. He simply doesn't care about what matters to OP." - Traditional_Fan_2655
"Honestly unacceptable behavior! Do not let him and his sister gaslight you. Get rid of him ASAP, because if he wanted to, he would." - Wonderful_West3961
"Last year, my husband kind of brushed off my birthday and my first Mother's Day."
"I'm not the best at expressing myself in the moment, but after the fact, I told him that I felt sad, upset, and forgotten about."
"He told me that he doesn't care about those days for himself, and he just doesn't really think about it."
"I told him just because you don't care about your birthday or Father's Day doesn't mean I don't care about my days. You need to put effort into those days for me because it's important to me."
"He said okay. This year on my birthday, he designed a necklace with a private jeweler, we went to a steakhouse, took our son to the children's museum, and spent time with my in-laws."
"I'm telling you, girl, someone out there will make you feel on top of the world, and this guy obviously doesn't." - amazon-lady43
Others agreed and infinitely side-eyed the boyfriend for spelling the OP's name wrong.
"He spelled your name wrong? Dump him immediately." - Pretend_Exchange_369
"Honestly, he spelled her name wrong??? Come on! It doesn't get much more obvious than that."
"He might as well have made her a sign that said, 'I DON'T GIVE A D**N ABOUT YOU. LET'S TALK ABOUT ME.'"
"His actions are so far below the bare minimum that the bare minimum is walking all over him. How has she stayed for three years?!"
"OP, what you need to understand is that right now is the best he is ever going to treat you. He will NOT get better. This is his best. Get out of there." - BecGeoMom
"If you can't spell someone's name right after three conversations, that's a red flag. Three months is a serious misdemeanor. Three YEARS is a felony and automatic termination of the relationship. Get out of there, OP." - JupiterSkyFalls
"Take out EVERYTHING else; the fact he couldn't spell your name correctly speaks volumes."
"Him saying, 'I've got something planned for later,' after saying, 'Oh, is that today?' shows he clearly had no idea and nothing planned."
"If the man truly had forgotten because of some other life pressures, there would maybe be some wiggle room. But the fact he almost forgot last year, and in turn you'd reminded him repeatedly this year, and he still 'forgot'… I think you need to work out if this is how you want to spend the rest of your birthdays."
"I know birthdays aren't important to some people. My boyfriend doesn't like celebrating his. But he knows it's important to me, so he gets me gifts, balloons, etc. If you can't make your significant other feel special one day a year (even if you aren't bothered yourself), then when can you? Especially when you say yourself that he takes his own birthday very seriously."
"Also, as a side note, do something cool for yourself. Don't invite him. Have a solo spa day, or with a friend or two. Go on a hike with a podcast, or spend a night in a hotel as a treat. You deserve to celebrate your birthday even if your boyfriend can't be bothered." - RedDora89
The subReddit unanimously believed the OP had nothing else to do but leave this relationship.
"It's at this point you leave. He clearly doesn't give a s**t about you."
"I guarantee there are lots of other signs, but you ignore them."
"When you leave, he will make all sorts of promises and apologies, but stay strong. He has already shown his true colors." - Whole_Foundation_364
"He DEFINITELY doesn't give a crap about her. I'm sitting here taking my gf out of the country for weeks-long vacations or on a cruise for her birthday, and this guy doesn't even have to say 'Happy Birthday' in the morning!?"
"OP, it sounds like you are asking the bare minimum for your birthday…and somehow he is still underperforming. He's cooked and has to go." - onlyfronds
"This is the rest of your life if you stay with him."
"Please give yourself one of the best birthday presents you'll get this decade and leave this relationship, OP." - OrlaCarey
"Get him a card, spell his name wrong on the envelope, and write on the inside, 'Our relationship isn't working out. I'm leaving you.' That's it." - Unstableavo
"Girl, we're not telling you to ask him to remember, or tell him you're upset. We're telling you to kick his a** to the curb. If you have the lease, pack his stuff and tell him he's out (if need be, evict him). Then get a roommate."
"If he has the lease, quietly save up so you can find your own place. Don't tell him until you have a plan ready. If you are both on the lease, wait until the renewal comes up and leave him."
"No matter what, get thee away from this a**hole." - BrilliantDishevelled
The OP felt reassured by everyone's feedback.
"Thank you for all of your advice. I guess I just never realized how bad it had gotten until now."
"I have been talking to my friend, and she seems to agree. I am just not sure how to go about bringing it up after it's been so long, or what to do next."
"I truly appreciate all of your support."
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP was treated on her birthday, especially after dating the guy for three years and already having issues during her previous birthday.
If the guy really cared about her and their relationship, then he would put in effort. Lying to cover for himself, grabbing a quick cake and card, and spelling her name wrong was not it.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.