It's important that when people show us who they are, we believe them, so that we can prevent them from ever being able to treat us that way again.
Unfortunately, sometimes we don't find out until the most dire of moments, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor yourdirtygurl had been with their boyfriend for two and a half years, was living with him, and thought they could depend on him, so when they had a medical emergency, they called him.
But when he didn't want to leave the bar and end his good time to be with them while they were in the hospital, the Original Poster (OP) found themselves seriously reconsidering the relationship.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for seriously reconsidering my relationship after what my boyfriend did during my medical emergency?"
The OP had a medical emergency and ended up in the hospital.
"A couple of weeks ago, I had a sudden medical scare."
"I won't go into details, but I ended up in the ER, and it was serious enough that they kept me overnight. It was terrifying."
The OP tried to reach out to their boyfriend for support.
"I called my boyfriend (we've been together two and a half years and live together), and he didn't answer, so I texted and told him what hospital I was at. No response."
"He finally showed up nine hours later, around 2:00 AM."
"His excuse? He was at a bar with his friends and 'didn't want to ruin the vibe.' That's literally what he said: 'I didn't want to ruin the vibe.'"
"It's like a gaming and smoke bar all combined. There are lots of video game features, table games, drinking, and '420.' So it's a popular spot to chill. He goes after work a lot with friends from work. Usually it is a bit shorter, but there was apparently also an 'event,' which is why he didn't wanna part ways to come see me."
"He told me I seemed 'fine' over text, so he figured it could wait."
"I was hooked up to monitors, scared out of my mind, and alone. I honestly don't even remember what I said to him when he walked in because I was half-asleep and emotionally drained."
The OP felt the relationship changing right before their eyes.
"But since then, I haven't been able to look at him the same. He's been acting like it was just bad timing, and that I'm 'blowing it out of proportion' by being distant."
"He said I'm being cold and making him feel like a bad person over 'one mistake.'"
"But the thing is… I can't stop thinking: if that's how he acted during an emergency, how can I trust him long-term? What happens when something worse happens?"
"Now I'm being told by mutual friends to give him a break because he's 'young' (we're both 21), and 'guys panic in situations like that.' But to me, it's not about panic; it's about being worried and choosing not to show up anyway."
"Am I overreacting by thinking this is something I can't just forgive and forget?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some said the OP was not overreacting to finding out what their boyfriend's priorities were.
"NOR, he literally chose a night at a bar over you. Even though he thought you sounded 'fine,' you're still in panic and alone."
"And also, medical emergencies can be 'fine' at first and turn almost deadly in seconds. I don't know if he didn't think about that or just didn't care."
"Since he isn't even apologizing or hearing your point, I assume that the future holds a lot of alone nights in the hospital (especially if you're thinking about having kids with this man)." - Both-Kangaroo-5067
"Girl… I'm going to hold your hand when I say this. Read what this guy was doing for nine hours instead of even responding to you in your time of need."
"This moment was a gift. You got to see the real him. He wasn't panicked; he was selfish."
"And honestly, I'd bet my last dollar he wasn't just with his buddies. Not responding at all is, in my experience, is cheating behavior."
"Please leave. Don't waste the best years of your life with someone like this. I'm 35 now and I'd do anything to get the years I wasted on trash men those years back." - Youre_Wrong_Ok
"OP, my teens and middle-schoolers wouldn't treat you this way. 'He's young' is a bulls**t excuse."
"If this is his starting point at 21, there is little to no chance his peak maturity will be anything near a functioning adult and partner."
"You're young. It may hurt for a while, but dump the loser and enjoy your youth!!" - Brainfog1980
"Please do not put up with this treatment. Good men are out there."
"During the pandemic, I was in the emergency room for 14 hours for something else before I could be admitted. Gallbladder. They allowed no visitors in the hospital or the waiting room."
"Despite living 10 minutes from the hospital, my husband sat in his car in the parking lot in January for all those hours until he knew I was in a room. Not that he could do a d**n thing but just in case I 'needed him.'" - rolldownthewindows
"I had to have emergency surgery during the peak of the pandemic. I mean, so bad that they had run out of tests, so they couldn't test me, and the staff was freaking out about it."
"My husband stayed in the parking lot the whole time, never got to meet the surgeon, and only spoke to him on the phone. This man stayed in the car the whole time."
"I had to make him go home and get to sleep at night. There was nothing he could do, but he was there anyway."
"Your boyfriend sucks and will never be there when you need him. He's proved that his buddies or drinking are more important than you. He's showing you who he is; believe him. He's not a keeper." - Chicka-17
Others were alarmed by how long it took the boyfriend to even arrive.
"Nine hours in a bar just by itself is a huge f**king red flag. Not coming to you in an emergency is a flashing bat signal of dump the f**ker already." - steerbell
"I literally said out loud to myself, 'Nine f**king hours??' I'm sorry, what? There is no f**king excuse for that. There is no way he was 'panicking' for nine hours; that is ridiculous, and hurtful, and a bunch of other negative adjectives. What the f**k?!"
"OP, did he respond at any point, either with a phone call or even a text, before he eventually, nearly half a day later showed up? I don't know, man, I just cannot imagine my boyfriend behaving like that, leaving me scared and alone for that long."
"I don't care what he was doing; I would expect and trust that he would get to me as soon as possible (and I would do the exact same; I would be sick with worry and super anxious until I was able to get to him and provide him with support and my company)."
"What I hear when he says, 'I didn't want to ruin the vibe,' is 'mine and my friends' comfort is more important to me than your comfort and safety.'"
"Especially if you guys weren't texting frequently the whole time until he showed up, how would he know that something even more serious didn't happen to you? If you just stopped texting back, would he have even noticed?" - phoenixink
"I would have shown up before nine hours for you, and I don't even know you."
"If I heard you were at the hospital by me, with no one with you, especially because your boyfriend didn't want to ruin the vibe, I'd have ruined his vibe even more once he did show up."
"You deserve so much better."
"Imagine your friend had this happen, what would you tell her? Now give yourself that same advice..." - Restless__Dreamer
"I wish I had left when my ex never showed after he was supposed to pick me up from inpatient surgery. I was young, and I did get angry, but he somehow convinced me I was overreacting."
"I had to get a taxi to make it home. Looking back now, if I'd seen that for what it was (a 'when someone shows you who you are, believe them' moment), it would have saved me eight more years of disappointment and grief."
"He's showing his true colors, OP. Believe him." - _sissy_hankshaw_
"Was he just at a bar? Why didn't he reply? Who was he really with?"
"When a person's gut says something is off, then believe the bulls**t meter. 'One mistake' wouldn't be bothering her two weeks later."
"And the gaslighting always p**ses me off. 'You're blowing it out of proportion' is not something you say when you made a dumb a** mistake and chose drinking over a medical emergency."
"If my spouse did that, they would have been living in the doghouse for the last two weeks, begging to sleep in the bed, and if anyone tried to excuse that behavior, they could sleep out there with them." - Crafty-Fox8325
The subReddit was shocked and furious on the OP's behalf that during a horrible and scary moment in their life, their boyfriend couldn't even spare the time to check if they were okay. "Ruining the vibe" and wanting to spend time with his friends was such a poor excuse to not be there when they needed him, and if that's how he was going to treat them now, it would only get worse.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.