Anyone who has dated someone they really cared about can attest to how stressful and awkward it is to meet their parents for the first time. All you want to do is make a good first impression!
But sometimes while trying to be kind and offer a compliment, it can be skewed into something else, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit
Redditor ChocolateSafe5927 went to meet his girlfriend’s parents for the first time, and he complimented her mother, trying to be nice.
But when his girlfriend’s mother used his compliment to start an argument with her husband, the Original Poster (OP) was surprised, but even more so when his girlfriend blamed him for the argument.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for calling my girlfriend’s mom ‘gorgeous’ and causing a fight between her mom and dad?”
The OP went to meet his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
“I (23 Male) was meeting the parents of my girlfriend (25 Female).”
“The mom (51 Female) and the dad (52 Male) had invited me over for dinner. I had brought flowers to give to her mom.”
“When I saw her mom, I thought she looked gorgeous, so I told her, in front of my girlfriend and her dad. She thanked me.”
But then the conversation took an inappropriate turn.
“During the dinner, my girlfriend’s mom brought up the fact that I told her she looks gorgeous. She asked me what I find gorgeous about her.”
“Wanting to be honest without being crude, I told her it was because of her eyes, smile, and hair.”
“She giggled and thanked me. She seemed both so flattered and so shocked.”
“Then she turned to my girlfriend’s dad and told him that I called her gorgeous. Despite the fact that everything had happened in front of him.”
“She told him that she doesn’t get called beautiful by him anymore, but she got called gorgeous by her daughter’s boyfriend.”
“It led to a big fight between the two of them.”
The OP was surprised when his girlfriend blamed him for the fight.
“When my girlfriend and I got back to her apartment, she agreed that her parents’ intense reaction had little to do with me and was mostly about problems between them.”
“But my girlfriend said that my behavior towards her mom was still inappropriate.”
“She said even if her parents had a perfect marriage, it’s still weird that I was ‘flirting’ with her mom.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the greater issue here was the mother fishing for an explanation.
“It was a little weird for her to ask you to elaborate…”
“If she’d left it at ‘you look gorgeous,’ there wouldn’t have been any issues. The fact that she pushed it indicated she was looking for a fight with her husband and used OP’s comments to instigate.” – ThrowRA27281804
“Not an unheard of thing to compliment your girlfriend’s mom. ‘I see where your daughter gets her good looks from’ is a cliche for a reason. It’s a bit cheesy, yeah but normal.”
“Being asked to elaborate would feel extremely awkward. At this point, it’s nearly impossible to give an answer that isn’t awkward as hell, unless you are insanely quick-witted or in hindsight.”
“But as soon as she asked, OP was f**ked. Downright cruel of the mom to put OP on the spot like that.” – Forkyou
“Ma’am, he is TWENTY THREE. He very charmingly complimented an older woman in a respectful manner.”
“The mother used her position of influence/authority/power to manipulate him into expounding on the compliment. She purposefully made it weird to start a fight.”
“I don’t care how starved she is for compliments. She could have said to her husband after they went home, ‘it was so nice to be told that I’m still gorgeous. Honey, could you try to make me still feel beautiful?'”
“Also, put in the reciprocal work to ensure he also feels handsome and good-looking. Everyone deserves to be appreciated.” – Conscious-Working251
“I’m not sure what he can do if the mom starting pulling compliments. She made it weird, not him.”
“It’s normal to say nice things about people, it’s common to choose their appearance. In those situations, you need to say something nice to be polite. But it can pay dividends to give vague compliments aimed at the choices the person has made and not the person themselves. But everyone is socialized a little different.” – No_Artichoke7180
“NTA. Her mom really shouldn’t have stoked the flames, though. That’s why they fought.” – Various_Rock_4675
Others agreed and wondered if the OP really wanted to be involved in a family dynamic like this one.
“OP has learned a couple of things. His girlfriend’s parents are crazy. They draw unrelated third parties into their crazy drama, putting them on the spot to do so.”
“Then the girlfriend will blame OP for the drama. At least initially, there’s still time for her to say sorry for the knee-jerk reaction. I wouldn’t stand for this kind of bulls**t, but they should talk it out like adults.” – Ok-Scientist5524
“OP has now learned a vital lesson: don’t let someone drag you into an uncomfortable conversation.”
“He should not have listed her ‘gorgeous’ attributes because she was baiting him. He should have declined and said something like, ‘Well, now you’re trying to get me in trouble!’ and laugh and then immediately change the subject.”
“It is super hard when you are blindsided and don’t have an answer ready. I have a few Scripts in my head. I called it bartender lingo, cause I learned to do this as a bartender. Don’t engage and divert.”
“Of course, OP was probably shocked and didn’t know what to say in the moment. But those little dozen or so scripts in my head have avoided a lot of drama. Lesson learned.”
“NTA. And if the girlfriend still thinks he was wrong, that could be a red flag.” – Maxgallow
“I read it as the mom was teasing her husband, and her husband flew off the handle because his own insecurity was exposed.”
“About a million times, I’ve seen one spouse tease the other, and the other fly off the handle at them. Usually, it’s the husbands freaking out, but I’ve seen it both ways.”
“I think the only way to know for sure, though, is to hear the tone of each party, which we obviously can’t. This is just my take, but I can see where you’re coming from, you could be right too.” – Ancalagon-the-Snack
“Leave the girlfriend out of this. It’s normal and okay for her to be a tad jealous of her boyfriend overly complimenting her mom. Especially since her mom was stoking the flames and getting him to elaborate.”
“I’m sure she thinks it’s weirder that her mom basically forced OP to flirt with her. Her asking him to elaborate was weird and him going into detail about all of the features he finds attractive was worse.”
“It made it real and no longer just a compliment. You aren’t supposed to actually go into that much detail unless you’re actually attracted to someone… which you shouldn’t give the perception of, if it’s your girlfriends mom.”
“Oh, this is all just such a mess. Be careful with this one, OP, and reassure your girlfriend.” – BoxSea4289
“It wouldn’t surprise me if gf’s mom has flirted with her boyfriends in the past, and at least one (probably in high school when they were too young to realize how inappropriate it was) flirted back, and so the girlfriend has gotten sensitive to anything that looks like that situation.”
“If the mom is willing to bait OP just to start a fight with her husband, I wouldn’t put it past her to be the type that competes with her own daughter as well, and that stuff can mess with how the girlfriend experiences jealousy.” – Ferret-in-a-Box
“She was taking a dig at her husband and doing it in front of guests. That marriage has issues far beyond OP.” – megamoze
“NTA. They have a screwy marriage, and the mom used you as a weapon.”
“And your girlfriend is weird to think you were flirting with her mother. I’m sure she’s been damaged by their relationship. Proceed with caution.” – Anonymoosehead123
The subReddit could not stop side-eyeing this situation and questioning what was going on beneath the surface that led to such an ugly argument around the dinner table.
It seemed that the OP was only trying to make a nice first impression and be kind to his girlfriend’s parents, but the fact that his kindness led to an argument between the girlfriend’s parents suggested that there was much more going on at home than even the girlfriend might be aware of.
Whether or not the OP’s relationship with his girlfriend lasted, comments like the mother not receiving compliments from her husband anymore suggested that their marriage might not.