No kids at a wedding has been a growing trend.
A lot of adults just want to have adult fun at an adult event.
Some spaces and venues now even ask not to involve kids.
This can be very frustrating for parents.
They may need to bring their kids in order to attend.
What is everyone to do?
Redditor First-Environment-92 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my friend I don't want her to bring her toddler to my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 F[emale]) am getting married soon, and I've been planning every detail of the day for a long time."
"I've always imagined it as a special, intimate event, and after months of planning, I decided to have a no-kids policy for the wedding."
"One of my closest friends (26 F) has a 3-year-old son, and recently she asked if she could bring him."
"I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I told her I couldn't make an exception, especially since the venue has a strict no-kids rule. It was hard for me to say it, but I thought it was important to stick to my decision."
"She was really upset, and now she's saying I'm being unreasonable and that I don't care about her or her son."
"I understand she wants to share the day with him, but I just want the day to go the way I've dreamed of for years."
"I'm starting to feel really guilty, and I hate that this is causing tension."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not allowing her to bring her son?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your friend doesn't care about you."
"Her 3-year-old isn't going to remember the day."
"It's not about her; it's about you and your partner getting married."
"If sharing the day with her son is so important, then she should RSVP no and spend the day with her son." ~ CallingThatBS
"NTA. A 3-year-old will not care about being at a wedding."
"She should get a sitter or have family watch him, if that's an option, and enjoy the wedding with you." ~ ogo7
"This should be a non-issue."
"You've booked the venue."
"It is strictly no kids."
"Sorry, no kids."
"Expecting someone to cater their wedding to your toddler makes you the a**hole."
"Not wanting kids at your wedding has become an acceptable choice."
"NTA. Hopefully you've given plenty of notice tho so she has child care arranged." ~ LadyHorseFace13
"Child-free means just that."
"Friends who think rules don't apply to them turn out not to be friends. NTA." ~ Dunesgirl
"NTA and no need to feel guilty."
"A lot of venues and people have the 'no kids' rule, and as long as you're enforcing it on everyone, don't let your friend guilt-trip you." ~ RonitSarangi
"OP, I've been to two dear friends' weddings this year, maid of honor for both (and yes, I am relieved it is over, I know you know what I mean! 😅)."
"One was 'children can come to the ceremony only,' the other was 'respectfully no children at either ceremony or reception.'"
"Both brides had one or two people upset over this."
"And you know what happened? Nothing."
"The friends who had to organise sitters ended up admitting how nice it was to attend the event without them, to just be able to be there and absorb the day."
"You are the bride."
"This is your day, not your friends or your friends' kids."
"You maintain that very normal boundary and don't feel bad for a single second."
"You've enough on your plate, and your friend is not thinking with either compassion or logic."
"I'd stay the course and let it blow over."
"She is an adult and needs to be able to manage her emotions and think with practicality."
"That's not your job, and if she doesn't grow up and figure it out, then this has been a blessing for you either way."
"I hope it's magical!" ~ RealCommercial9788
"Your friend is the AH."
"If you make an exception for her, then you have to for everyone, and it's an adult party with no accommodations for kids."
"She should be more graceful and less manipulative." ~ Available_Ask_9958
"NTA. I personally would use the venue's rules as the scapegoat."
"Just double down and say some version of 'I'm really sorry, but the venue has a very strict no children allowed policy that I can't break, or they'll cancel our reservation and we won't get our deposit back.'"
"Your wedding, your choice." ~ Funny_Minimum_2925
"NTA… she's the A-hole for asking for an exception when it's been clearly communicated that no kids."
"Her child is 3, not a breastfeeding newborn (even if he was, you still NTA)."
"She needs to make arrangements for her son, or she needs to stay home."
"You need to be ok and understand without judgment or tension if she decides to stay home."
"This may be the 1st time he is not invited to an adults-only event, but it will not be the last."
"I say this as a single mom who sometimes wasn't able to attend events because I didn't have childcare, but I did send a gift with a card (when appropriate), and I always sent a text with well wishes and apologizing for not being there."
"I hope you have the wedding you are dreaming of and wish you a lifetime of love and laughter!" ~ Spiritual_Trust_5118
"If she wants to attend, it's up to her to find a babysitter or make the dad parent."
"It's not hard. NTA." ~ MtnMoose307
"NTA. 3-year-olds are too little to understand they have to behave and be quiet."
"Your friend is being selfish." ~ Easy-Wishbone5413
"She doesn't want to share the day with him, a three-year-old couldn't care less about a wedding (and most likely hate it)."
"She doesn't want to hire child care."
"Tell her you understand if she can't make the wedding due to child care, but it is a 100% child-free wedding." ~ Number-2-Sis
"NTA. It's YOUR wedding."
"The day is not about her and her son or their relationship."
"Expecting to be able to share all important adult experiences with your toddler is…well, silly."
"Some things can be just for adults, and expecting those events to make exceptions for your child because you think you/your child are special is some main character energy." ~ KaliTheBlaze
"It sounds like YOU aren't making the rule, the venue is."
"Just keep reinforcing that point." ~ Wise-Matter9248
"NTA. Why is it so important that she 'share the experience' with her 3-year-old?"
"He will get bored and distracted quickly, act up, and so on."
"Weddings are not brief affairs."
"Even without an adults-only policy, bringing a toddler is not a wise choice, unless day care is part of the arrangement."
"Besides, you have chosen a venue that doesn't allow children."
"You did that for a reason."
"If your friend can't respect that, then maybe she should find something else to do on your wedding day." ~ TheWacoFogey
"NTA, you are enforcing consistently." ~ Cool-Cobbler4324
"NTA, it's your wedding day, not hers."
"My wife and I had a no-kids policy at our wedding; we had a few people decline because of it, but it was definitely the right decision for us." ~ Interesting-Client63
"NTA, it's your wedding, which is a special event most three-year-olds can't sit through quietly."
"So rather than interrupting the wedding with his activity, you want the focus on the service."
"I bet if mom put a timer on, her son couldn't sit in a strange place quietly that long. "
"Also, a three-year-old won't enjoy the wedding."
"He won't remember the wedding."
"This is why we have babysitters."
"Something your venue understands better than she does." ~ julesk
"NTA, the VENUE has a no kids policy."
"You could be fined."
"And also you don't want children."
"If she were hosting a girls' night and you asked to bring your fiancé, how would she react?"
"She's old enough that she should understand that this isn't unreasonable."
"If she really makes this a big deal, kindly ask her not to come."
"People get so weird around other people's weddings."
"Enjoy your day, don't risk getting fined hundreds by the venue just to appease 1 friend." ~ megamini99
"NTA. If you make one exception, then you were an AH to everyone else who has kids and would have wanted to bring them."
"This is not about her specific toddler... It's about all kids."
"Now, if you have a 14 yo sister or niece... that's been established as definitely the AH toward her somewhere on Reddit." ~ CobraJewel
"NTA. The venue is no kids, and the event is no kids."
"I get her wanting to spend time with her kids, but it's also fine to spend time without the kids."
"If she has some limitations on getting a babysitter of some kind and you want her there, you could offer to help cover the cost of a babysitter, even if it's a member of her family." ~ Ok-disaster2022
"NTA, your wedding, your rules."
"Toddlers should not be at weddings."
"I absolutely love kids, but there are events they should not attend."
"Don't be surprised or offended if she doesn't go to your wedding, though, which is understandable since she's a single mom." ~ CuriousMindedAA
"NTA, I'm 27 F and got engaged this year."
"I also want a kid-free wedding because I don't want to walk down the aisle hearing a screaming child."
"And I know people will be very drunk and smoking weed at my wedding... lol."
"If you really want her there, I would offer to arrange childcare for her or ask my maid of honor or mom to arrange it or something."
"That's probably the last thing you need to be doing before the wedding, but there are 3 options. "
"You offer to figure it out, leave your friend to figure it out, or she doesn't need to come." ~ Nice_Answer_1280
Rules are rules, OP.
This is your day.
Don't let this stress you out.
Enjoy your special time.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp