Let’s face it: when two people we know are about to get married, we like the idea of being invited because it’s fun to celebrate new love and hitting milestones.
But the bride and groom only have to invite the people they want to invite, not the people who feel “entitled” to an invitation, pointed out the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Forsaken_Plan_941 had never been close to her stepmother or her stepmother’s family, especially given how they treated her late mother’s side of the family.
When it came time for her to get married and her stepmother was pushing for her to invite her entire side of the family, the Original Poster (OP) was not thrilled to share her special day with people she was not close to.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not adding my stepmom’s extended family to my wedding guest list?”
The OP was looking forward to her wedding.
“I (26 Female) will be getting married next year. My fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves with no help from anyone.”
“This includes my dad and stepmom and my maternal side who are all invited and a big part of my life. With that out of the way, I want to know if I’m wrong here.”
The OP never really bonded with her stepmother and extended family.
“My dad and stepmom got married when I was 10, which was two years after my mom died.”
“I’m not especially close to my stepmother, and I’ve never been close to her family. I don’t particularly like them very much because of how they act around my maternal side.”
“They have tried to make me one of them and probably do say I’m theirs just as much as the bio relatives in the family. But they have a lot of jealousy and outrage over the fact my maternal side doesn’t use the terminology they like or embrace my stepmom like they feel my family should.”
“My family was always nice to her but she wasn’t their new daughter or DIL (daughter-in-law). She wasn’t suddenly replacing my mom, which my stepmom’s family appeared to view as the right thing for her.”
The stepmother’s family became indignant about her place in the family.
“It wasn’t long after their wedding my stepmom’s family got annoyed on my stepmom’s behalf that she wasn’t treated like a member of my mom’s family and for calling her my stepmom instead of my mom. They felt my stepmom deserved more respect from my mom’s family.”
“Even though my mom’s family didn’t have an issue with any of them at that point. They just called her what she is, my stepmom.”
The last big event the family was together for was the OP’s Sweet 16, which did not go well.
“Things got really bad when my dad threw me a Sweet 16. He didn’t want to invite my mom’s family because he said it would make my stepmom and her family uncomfortable.”
“I asked who the party was for and said they didn’t have to come if they had an issue with my family being there.”
“My stepmom told her family, and they put all the blame on my mom’s family. They were acting so offended that I would prefer to have my actual family there vs. with people who were sort of family but never really felt like my family.”
The OP didn’t see her wedding and reception going any more smoothly.
“Now, my father and stepmother want me to invite her family, including her parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and more. There are about 20 people, which could be narrowed down to 12 if you leave out the close cousins.”
“There’s a really good chance having everyone at the wedding would lead to attempts at fights. But even without that, I really don’t have a connection to my stepmom’s family. I don’t hate them, but I don’t see them as my third family, either.”
“My stepmom is close to her family, though, and wants them at the wedding. For me, it’s less of a headache not to invite them, and it also feels less greedy. Like, inviting people I would quickly lose touch with if my dad divorced or died and who I don’t care for personally seems so greedy and like a gift grab.”
“I put my foot down and said no to adding them to the guest list, which upset my stepmom.”
“My dad offered to pay 100% of the cost for stepmom’s extended family. He told me it means they’re sorta his guests instead of mine, but they’re still there.”
“I asked him if he’d keep them on a short leash so they don’t start fights. I also asked if he’d make it clear they wouldn’t be in family photos.”
“He admitted they would need to be included to stop hurt feelings and more trouble, and he said he can’t control adults, so I told him my no was still solid.”
“My dad and stepmom think I’m being a bridezilla about this.”
The OP knew there would be no possible compromise with her dad and stepmom.
“I know that explaining how I feel and why to my stepmom won’t help. We talked after the Sweet 16 fiasco, and she got upset that I was choosing ‘my side’ over ‘hers.'”
“Even she can’t understand that her family’s (mostly) one-sided feud with mine isn’t winning me over to them. To her, they’re my family, too, but to me, they are not, and their behavior makes me want them to be even less.”
“As much as my dad wants to please his wife, he can’t deny how much her family hates my maternal side. He also knows they like to confront my maternal side whenever they see them, and a wedding would give them HOURS of opportunities to do just that.”
“They don’t appear to realize that none of that makes me like them more and it doesn’t win me over to their side.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some called the OP NTA and were critical of the stepmother and extended family.
“I hate the stepmom and her family for this reason: do they not understand or care that OP’s maternal family lost a daughter? Sister? Niece? She DIED. DIED for those in the cheap seats.”
“Instead of having empathy for the fact they lost a family member who would never see her daughter grow up, the stepmom and her family decided to turn it into a war. WHY WHY WHY would they think the maternal mom’s family would open their arms to the stepmom? Maybe, years later but not only two years after the mom died.”
“And the real kicker? We all know that had the roles been reversed, stepmom’s family would have acted exactly like the mom’s and NOT welcomed a new mom for OP. I bet money on that.” – One_Ad_704
“What your stepmother wants is irrelevant; it’s not her day. These people are not your blood relations, and they are otherwise not meaningful to you. They have no reason to attend so stick to your guns.”
“The cherry on top is they’re likely to pick fights. That would be a reason to keep them away even if they were blood relations.” – Boeing367-80
“Gosh, what type of people hate a deceased person’s family so much that they carry the hate and cause fights for many years after the fact?”
“And for what?! Your stepmum is NOT your bio mum and your maternal family is honoring your mum’s memory by acknowledging this woman for what she is: a stepparent, not a replacement.”
“It also sounds like the maternal family wasn’t horrible or unwelcoming to this woman, they just didn’t embrace her as their daughter… because she isn’t and that’s okay.” – jodesnotcrazee
“Your Stepmom’s family is WAY out of line. I’m a stepmom (now Grandma) and my Mom passed when I was 15, I have so much empathy for you and am sorry you are navigating this s**t!”
“We got married on a boat, the max guest list was 50 people, and we paid for everything. The in-laws had a separate gathering for their guests (we went to their house after our afternoon cruise). Would a separate gathering work for you, literally JUST to be the bigger person?” – yvrbasselectric
“Give invitations to those you actually want at your wedding. ‘Family’ is not a free pass to an invite. As such… when asked after you give invitations out, simply answer: I invited those I want at my wedding.”
“Like you said for your Sweet 16… anyone who is offended by your choices should feel free not to attend. This includes your stepmom and her family. If your dad wants to join them, let him.”
“You deserve a wedding truly about you and not s**tty people who won’t support you. So remove all those who will not create a harmonious environment for you on your wedding day.”
“Good luck and NTA.” – Usual-Canary-7764
Others agreed the OP was NTA but focused their anger on her father instead.
“No, you’re not being a bridezilla at all. Your wedding, your guest list. It’s clear you’re not excluding them out of spite; you just don’t have a meaningful relationship with them, and their presence could create unnecessary drama.”
“The fact that your dad can’t even guarantee they won’t start trouble just proves your point.”
“You’re paying for your own wedding, which means you get to decide who’s there.”
“If your stepmom wants them at an event so badly, she can host her own gathering. Stay firm on your boundaries. You’re making the right call.” – Cuddlyy_Dews_
“Tell your dad this: ‘Are you willing to ruin your relationship with me over this? If so, don’t come to the wedding. Because you are making things worse and not supporting me. Stop forcing me to do things I don’t want to do on MY HAPPY DAY that involves MY family, who is standing in for my mom who isn’t here.'”
“Your father is an A**. He’s failed you.” – Minimum-Arachnid-190
“He already pulled this crap for Sweet 16, he does NOT get an encore on the wedding day.” – montauk6
“I would deada** tell him that if he wishes to mollify these hateful pr**ks, then he can sit at home on your wedding day.”
“I would disinvite your stepmother to boot.”
“It’s best to have security, off-duty cops, if possible, the day of the wedding and reception, if not the rehearsal dinner, as well.” – Samarkand457
“Your dad needs to put YOU first on your wedding day. This day is about YOU and YOUR husband, not your stepmom or her family.”
“It is the one day where everyone, especially your parent, should put the bride/groom first. Your dad needs to support you and keep his wife’s drama away from you. They are his in-laws, not yours.”
“Stay strong OP. And congratulations on your wedding!!” – Pippet_4
It’s beautiful when families can come together into one large group, get along, and grow together as a unit, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. It seems with the stepmother’s family, it was more about entitlement and a popularity contest against the OP’s late mother than actual unity.
It was clear to the subReddit that the OP needed to have the wedding that she and her partner wanted and needed rather than the one some of her family members felt entitled to.
The day was meant to celebrate new love, not to crown the Most Popular Mom in the Family.