There are certain days and events where one expects to be the focus of attention.
These include birthdays, weddings, and graduations.
As a result, it can be frustrating when someone else ends up stealing the focus from you on one of these days, intentionally or not.
Redditor pattiesni was looking forward to her bachelorette party and planned it out in great detail.
Those plans ended up getting diverted, however, when one of the original poster (OP)’s bridesmaids shared some news that ended up shifting the attention towards her.
Feeling her thunder had been stolen, the OP felt that this particular bridesmaid was no longer worthy of being in her bridal party.
Wondering if she was being too harsh, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for firing my bridesmaid for disclosing her diagnosis at my bachelorette?”
The OP explained why she felt the need to kick one of her bridesmaids out of her bridal party after she made her bachelorette party anything but celebratory.
“I’m getting married in 3 weeks, and I just had my bachelorette over Easter weekend.”
“During a quiet moment, one of my bridesmaids took me aside and told me that about three months ago, she was diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome.”
“Obviously, I asked her what that meant for her, and she started crying because she feels differently about her relationship with her mother.”
“We met in elementary school, and she’s always had a learning disability, but she didn’t know that there was a preventable cause.”
“My other bridesmaids noticed her crying, and the evening ended up being about her.”
“We skipped out on going to a bar in the limo I had hired because she was upset.”
“I thought about it all today and ended up emailing her to tell her that she took away an important moment from my life.”
“I feel bad about this happening to her, but even though she didn’t always know, it’s been going on for her whole life.”
“If this was a recent thing she found out about or it was some kind of deadly disease, I would feel differently, but she was sitting on this for months before bringing it up at an event that was supposed to be special to me.”
“You only get one bachelorette, and mine was totally overshadowed.”
“I felt really hurt that she did that, and told her that I didn’t want to have her in my wedding if that’s how she was going to treat me at a time when the focus was supposed to be something good in my life instead of something sad in hers.”
“She could have waited a few more weeks until after the wedding if she wanted to have this conversation.”
“She’s still invited to the wedding, but I don’t want her to be a bridesmaid after this.”
“I was just texting my cousin (my maid of honor), and she disagreed with me doing this.”
“She said that it sucked that we didn’t go to the bar, but this other friend has already paid for her dress, so I should just let her stay.”
“My fiancé supports my choice, but I wanted another opinion.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on where they believed the OP fell in kicking her bridesmaid out of her wedding party for stealing her thunder.
Many felt that the OP’s anger was more than justified, agreeing that this bridesmaid had several earlier opportunities to disclose this news with her.
“I have been in several situations where someone has had to turn another’s happy occasion into all about themselves.”
“NTA.”
“Yes, you deserved to have your own moments.”
“It is too bad that someone couldn’t have escorted your friend home and stayed with her a bit to get her off of your case.”- beccabootie
“Big NTA.”
“She had three months to process her diagnosis and ask for support from friends.”
“The thing that really angers me is that she turn a special moment that was supposed to be about having fun into something sad.”
“And quite literally ruined your plans by using social pressure because if you wanted to go to the bar, any way you would have looked like you don’t care about her.”
“I honestly wouldn’t invite her to the wedding until she apologies because this seems intentional.”-FlushPulp
“NTA.”
“She either knew what she was doing and intentionally undermined you.”
“Or she’s incredibly self-centered and had no idea she was making it all about her.”
“But either way, I wouldn’t trust her to not pull similar at the wedding.”- Rough_Elk_3952
“NTA.”
“She knew for three f*cking months.”
“She knew what the hell she was doing.”- AndrewTheGay
“NTA.”
“The morning my bachelorette started, I got a call from a friend saying she was sick and wouldn’t be able to make it.”
“I was sorry she couldn’t be there, but went on w the day and had a great time.”
“I found out later that she and her husband were getting divorced, and that’s why she couldn’t come – because she knew she’d make it about her and bring everyone down.”
“And that’s just not a nice thing to do, not when you can avoid it.”
“She had other people with her at the time. If she’d had no one else and needed me, that would be different.”
“We spent time together a few days later, and she told me about it, and I could focus on supporting her.”
“This is what you do when you know you’ll ruin an event; you don’t go.”
“And your bridesmaid has known about this for MONTHS.”
“She could have taken any other time to ask for support.”- thehauntedpianosong
Others, however, felt that it was low and childish of the OP to kick her bridesmaid out of her wedding, even if they agreed that the bachelorette party was not the time or place to share her diagnosis.
“ESH.”
“I get it!”
“She found out months ago and waited until that night to say anything, took the attention, and you lost out on the money you paid.”
“It was completely understandable to be hurt and frustrated.”
“BUT you didn’t need to cut her from the wedding.”
“That was retaliation, pure and simple.”
“You could have called her and opened up the door to have an honest conversation about how you felt and allow her to respond. This would’ve shown compassion and grace.”
“Instead, you made a decisive decision because your feelings were hurt.”
“It is your wedding, but she is also a close enough friend that you asked her to be a bridesmaid, and she deserved that conversation before you decided to push her out.”
“I would absolutely apologize to her and realize that in this case, you’ve both been sh*tty to each other.”- Sandpipertales
The OP later returned with an update, reflecting on her behavior and sharing that she had a change of heart as to how to deal with her bridesmaid.
“I had actually seen her on two occasions since her diagnosis, including getting coffee one on one a week after it happened where she could have told me.”
“It was the fact that she waited until my event to tell me and then derailed it that had me so upset.”
“I hadn’t considered the fact that everyone pre-drinking might have set her off.”
“After reading a bunch of comments here, I called her.”
“I asked why she hadn’t told me before, and she said she was still trying to process when I had previously seen her.”
“She didn’t realize she was going to cry so much and distract everyone and ruin the mood.”
“She said she felt really horrible about doing that and that she hadn’t meant to ruin the evening.”
“I apologized for acting on my own hurt feelings and asked if she’d be willing to consider still being a bridesmaid.”
“She said she really wanted to still be in the wedding.”
“I don’t have the budget to have another bachelorette party, but I realize that I was only making that loss worse by hurting an old friend in addition to losing out on an event.”
“I was definitely attributing her behavior to malice when it was actually bad timing.”
“Back in high school, she did a similar thing to me because she was jealous of the attention I was getting as part of a competitive choir, but she’s grown up since then (we’re 23 and 24 now).”
“I overreacted, and I honestly appreciate the tough love from this sub.”
“It made me reconsider what I was doing and probably just saved a friendship.”
We’re proud of the OP for being so open to the advice she sought on the AITA Subreddit.
Being around so much pouring alcohol probably did a number on the emotions of the OP’s bridesmaid, leading to her perhaps unexpected confession.
No doubt, the OP’s disappointment would have been hard to hide as well.
One can only be relieved that they’ve patched things up ahead of the OP’s big day when hopefully, no one will steal her thunder again.