Getting ourselves out of bed is something everyone usually faces at some point in their lives.
Some parents start their kids off with alarm clocks as soon as they begin school at age 4 or 5. Some parents wait until their child is in middle or high school. And some parents continue to be their child's alarm clock until they move out.
For those who never had to get themselves up and going every day until their independent adulthood, it can be challenging to create that habit.
A man whose brother is struggling to take on responsibility for himself turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Am_i_the_throwaway asked:
"AITA for refusing to wake my brother up for work when he goes back to sleep?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My brother (18, male) has always been an extremely tight sleeper. Even in his childhood, our parents have tried to shake him awake and it's still difficult to get him up."
"In his later years, he had started to sleep through his alarm and, even though we sleep in separate rooms, I (22, male) could still hear it and would have to go into his room to get him to turn it off."
"Last year, he got a job at a retail store. He loves his job and his coworkers. Unfortunately, recently, he has been late to work a couple of times."
"What had been happening is, although he does wake up when his alarm goes off, he had been falling back asleep afterwards. Now, I know this happens to a lot of us—I'll admit, it has happened to me at one point."
"The second time it happened, while I was driving him to work, he had asked me if I could start checking on him to make sure he was up and going to work. I refused to do this."
"I told him that if he wanted to play the 'closing your eyes after your alarm goes off' game, that was on him. I am not going to be there to wake him up."
"The other thing is, if I were to agree with this, he would probably start blaming me if he ends up being late again. He would consider it a new responsibility of mine and would get upset with me if I were to fail to wake him up."
"I refuse to have that responsibility when he is an adult now."
"I was talking with mom about this, and she told me that it would be a nice thing to check on him if I were already up and moving. Now, truth be told, when his alarm goes off, I usually try to go back to sleep."
"But, maybe she has a point about it being common courtesy to do a simple check."
"AITA for setting this boundary?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for not double-checking to see if my brother is awake when he could get in trouble for being late to work."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"And what is your brother doing to make sure he gets up? I don't see that listed."
"Before making his problem someone else's, there's setting a second alarm or having a second or third alarm clock if required—not just his phone by his bed. There's setting those alarm clocks far enough away that he has to physically get out of bed to turn them off."
"There's alarms on the market that vibrate if he doesn't respond to the noise. There's ones that work with earbuds."
"If the brother has tried multiple options to get himself up, then he could ask someone for help. But if all he's done is use a single alarm, set once, that he turns off instead of hitting snooze, then he needs to help himself first."
"You're 22. What's he going to do if you move out or get a job where you aren't home when he wakes up?" ~ MohawMais
"NTA. There may be a medical reason for this. More likely, he's staying up too late, probably on his phone after he goes to bed."
"That needs to change—he needs to make sure he has enough sleep hours. Meantime, I suggest he get a second alarm clock and set it 5 minutes later than the first, and keep it across the room from his bed." ~ LabInner262
"It wasn't until my thirties when I finally got a sleep test done. Turns out I have sleep apnea and would stop breathing (and wake up briefly) upwards of 18 times an hour when sleeping on my back. Now that I have that under control, I actually get rested and can wake up normally in the mornings." ~ Jtrain360
"NTA. You are correct, if you accept this responsibility then it'll become your fault."
"If he's having such a hard time waking up, then he needs to either change his sleep habits or see a doctor to find out what is going on." ~ verminiusrex
"NTA. It's better to happen now at a relatively 'unimportant' job than later in his life. He needs to learn how to get out of bed by himself."
"Is he going to bed on time? All the people I know who say they're heavy sleepers seem to go to bed at crazy hours." ~ prooijtje
"He should try a phone alarm for the snooze time and a plug-in alarm on the far side of the room or the next room set for when he absolutely has to get up. Then figure out what the issue is, if it's a health problem or poor sleep habits." ~ LastCupcake2442
"I'm like OP's brother, and I have a loud alarm clock that vibrates my bed and set multiple alarms on it. I also have a smart watch that I set multiple alarms on and aim to wake up 1 hour before I need to leave for work."
"If I feel like I'm going to fall asleep again, I leave the other alarms on, but if I know for sure I won't, then I shut them off."
"I can't breathe through my nose (I need reconstructive surgery there) and move a lot in my sleep, so I sleep very poorly and will sleep upwards of 12 hours on a particularly bad night." ~ ImmigrantPigeon
"NTA. Technology can be your brother's friend, however. Search up 'Clocky alarm clock'. It's an alarm clock on wheels that scoots off and rolls around the floor when it goes off, forcing the person in bed to get up and chase it." ~ Tom_Tildrum
"I'd also recommend using an app called Alarmy. It forces you to do things like answer math questions, take 20+ steps, do 10+ squats, or scan a barcode placed somewhere else before it shuts off. It can be set for any combination of those activities." ~ halley823
"I use Alarmy and the scan a barcode works for me. I also use the Shake option as my first alarm. Shaking my phone a certain number of times takes just a couple seconds but wakes me up a bit."
"Then my second alarm gets me up on my feet to go scan. By that point, I might as well start my morning routine." ~ TheSheDM
"NTA he could set multiple alarms. My ten-year-old son used to go back to sleep. Now he has 3 alarms set 7 min apart, and he gets up."
"What will happen when your brother lives alone? Will he sleep until he loses his job? He will most likely figure it out and maintain employment." ~ Agreeable-Wing-8476
"NTA. Your boundary is perfectly reasonable. As an adult, he is responsible for finding a way to get to work on time that works for him. Using you as a crutch is just kicking the can on a very real problem he's going to need to contend with eventually." ~ Casual_Lore
"NTA. Your mom wants what's best for her son, but she's not thinking through the long-term consequences. Your brother needs to learn to be responsible for himself."
"That might mean going to a doctor to see if there is an underlying medical issue. It might just mean going to sleep earlier or adopting a new alarm system."
"Sure, in the short term, it would be 'nice' of you to help him out, but in the long term, it would be detrimental for both of you. You aren't an a**hole for recognizing that." ~ avrgdad
"NTA. If you accept this assignment, all sleep-related incidents become your fault. He is an adult and likes his job. Welcome to adulthood."
"Love when someone like your mom says 'it would be a nice thing to check on him' despite her ALSO living in the same home."
"If she did it, it's even a bigger retreat from maturity for him. He'll only learn and be more prepared for adulthood if he solves his problem himself." ~ catskilkid
The OP can offer his brother a number of options to address his problem, but as many noted, the OP shouldn't be the solution.
OP's brother is likely going to live alone at some point in his life. Relying on other people to get him out of bed isn't a good solution to his problem.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp