Getting ourselves out of bed is something everyone usually faces at some point in their lives.
Some parents start their kids off with alarm clocks as soon as they begin school at age 4 or 5. Some parents wait until their child is in middle or high school. And some parents continue to be their child’s alarm clock until they move out.
For those who never had to get themselves up and going every day until their independent adulthood, it can be challenging to create that habit.
A man whose brother is struggling to take on responsibility for himself turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Am_i_the_throwaway asked:
“AITA for refusing to wake my brother up for work when he goes back to sleep?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My brother (18, male) has always been an extremely tight sleeper. Even in his childhood, our parents have tried to shake him awake and it’s still difficult to get him up.”
“In his later years, he had started to sleep through his alarm and, even though we sleep in separate rooms, I (22, male) could still hear it and would have to go into his room to get him to turn it off.”
“Last year, he got a job at a retail store. He loves his job and his coworkers. Unfortunately, recently, he has been late to work a couple of times.”
“What had been happening is, although he does wake up when his alarm goes off, he had been falling back asleep afterwards. Now, I know this happens to a lot of us—I’ll admit, it has happened to me at one point.”
“The second time it happened, while I was driving him to work, he had asked me if I could start checking on him to make sure he was up and going to work. I refused to do this.”
“I told him that if he wanted to play the ‘closing your eyes after your alarm goes off’ game, that was on him. I am not going to be there to wake him up.”
“The other thing is, if I were to agree with this, he would probably start blaming me if he ends up being late again. He would consider it a new responsibility of mine and would get upset with me if I were to fail to wake him up.”
“I refuse to have that responsibility when he is an adult now.”
“I was talking with mom about this, and she told me that it would be a nice thing to check on him if I were already up and moving. Now, truth be told, when his alarm goes off, I usually try to go back to sleep.”
“But, maybe she has a point about it being common courtesy to do a simple check.”
“AITA for setting this boundary?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I might be the a**hole for not double-checking to see if my brother is awake when he could get in trouble for being late to work.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“And what is your brother doing to make sure he gets up? I don’t see that listed.”
“Before making his problem someone else’s, there’s setting a second alarm or having a second or third alarm clock if required—not just his phone by his bed. There’s setting those alarm clocks far enough away that he has to physically get out of bed to turn them off.”
“There’s alarms on the market that vibrate if he doesn’t respond to the noise. There’s ones that work with earbuds.”
“If the brother has tried multiple options to get himself up, then he could ask someone for help. But if all he’s done is use a single alarm, set once, that he turns off instead of hitting snooze, then he needs to help himself first.”
“You’re 22. What’s he going to do if you move out or get a job where you aren’t home when he wakes up?” ~ MohawMais
“NTA. There may be a medical reason for this. More likely, he’s staying up too late, probably on his phone after he goes to bed.”
“That needs to change—he needs to make sure he has enough sleep hours. Meantime, I suggest he get a second alarm clock and set it 5 minutes later than the first, and keep it across the room from his bed.” ~ LabInner262
“It wasn’t until my thirties when I finally got a sleep test done. Turns out I have sleep apnea and would stop breathing (and wake up briefly) upwards of 18 times an hour when sleeping on my back. Now that I have that under control, I actually get rested and can wake up normally in the mornings.” ~ Jtrain360
“NTA. You are correct, if you accept this responsibility then it’ll become your fault.”
“If he’s having such a hard time waking up, then he needs to either change his sleep habits or see a doctor to find out what is going on.” ~ verminiusrex
“NTA. It’s better to happen now at a relatively ‘unimportant’ job than later in his life. He needs to learn how to get out of bed by himself.”
“Is he going to bed on time? All the people I know who say they’re heavy sleepers seem to go to bed at crazy hours.” ~ prooijtje
“He should try a phone alarm for the snooze time and a plug-in alarm on the far side of the room or the next room set for when he absolutely has to get up. Then figure out what the issue is, if it’s a health problem or poor sleep habits.” ~ LastCupcake2442
“I’m like OP’s brother, and I have a loud alarm clock that vibrates my bed and set multiple alarms on it. I also have a smart watch that I set multiple alarms on and aim to wake up 1 hour before I need to leave for work.”
“If I feel like I’m going to fall asleep again, I leave the other alarms on, but if I know for sure I won’t, then I shut them off.”
“I can’t breathe through my nose (I need reconstructive surgery there) and move a lot in my sleep, so I sleep very poorly and will sleep upwards of 12 hours on a particularly bad night.” ~ ImmigrantPigeon
“NTA. Technology can be your brother’s friend, however. Search up ‘Clocky alarm clock’. It’s an alarm clock on wheels that scoots off and rolls around the floor when it goes off, forcing the person in bed to get up and chase it.” ~ Tom_Tildrum
“I’d also recommend using an app called Alarmy. It forces you to do things like answer math questions, take 20+ steps, do 10+ squats, or scan a barcode placed somewhere else before it shuts off. It can be set for any combination of those activities.” ~ halley823
“I use Alarmy and the scan a barcode works for me. I also use the Shake option as my first alarm. Shaking my phone a certain number of times takes just a couple seconds but wakes me up a bit.”
“Then my second alarm gets me up on my feet to go scan. By that point, I might as well start my morning routine.” ~ TheSheDM
“NTA he could set multiple alarms. My ten-year-old son used to go back to sleep. Now he has 3 alarms set 7 min apart, and he gets up.”
“What will happen when your brother lives alone? Will he sleep until he loses his job? He will most likely figure it out and maintain employment.” ~ Agreeable-Wing-8476
“NTA. Your boundary is perfectly reasonable. As an adult, he is responsible for finding a way to get to work on time that works for him. Using you as a crutch is just kicking the can on a very real problem he’s going to need to contend with eventually.” ~ Casual_Lore
“NTA. Your mom wants what’s best for her son, but she’s not thinking through the long-term consequences. Your brother needs to learn to be responsible for himself.”
“That might mean going to a doctor to see if there is an underlying medical issue. It might just mean going to sleep earlier or adopting a new alarm system.”
“Sure, in the short term, it would be ‘nice’ of you to help him out, but in the long term, it would be detrimental for both of you. You aren’t an a**hole for recognizing that.” ~ avrgdad
“NTA. If you accept this assignment, all sleep-related incidents become your fault. He is an adult and likes his job. Welcome to adulthood.”
“Love when someone like your mom says ‘it would be a nice thing to check on him’ despite her ALSO living in the same home.”
“If she did it, it’s even a bigger retreat from maturity for him. He’ll only learn and be more prepared for adulthood if he solves his problem himself.” ~ catskilkid
The OP can offer his brother a number of options to address his problem, but as many noted, the OP shouldn’t be the solution.
OP’s brother is likely going to live alone at some point in his life. Relying on other people to get him out of bed isn’t a good solution to his problem.