An heirloom is defined as "something of special value handed down from one generation to another." The item may have a monetary value, or simply a sentimental value.
Jewelry often becomes a family heirloom. Jewelry is fairly small, easily transported, and doesn't usually require a specific size.
For example, anyone in a family can wear a tie tack or brooch. However, unlike great aunt Esther's antique davenport, jewelry is often seen as gender specific. Necklaces and brooches are usually passed through the women in the family, cuff links and pocket watches generally go to the men.
Rings are also usually gendered, based on who originally owned it. But gendered jewelry can create conflict when a generation of the family is all one gender.
Who gets grandpa's watch when all the grandchildren are girls? Who gets grandma's engagement ring when all the grandkids are boys?
Do you gift it to a spouse of a grandchild or hope the next generation has more gender diversity?
If the family chooses the former option, what happens in the case of divorce? Many a family heirloom was lost to a court order.
A recipient of a family heirloom turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with their brother.
AgreeableRice2002 asked:
"AITA for refusing to give my brother my mom's wedding ring?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My brother and I are the only siblings in my family, so when my mother was terminal with cancer, she sat us both down to give us each some jewlery that meant something to her."
"I got her wedding ring that once belonged to her mother—my grandmother. I was to pass it down to my daughter."
"My brother got a necklace to be passed down to his daughter. Years later, my brother asked if we could trade the pieces so he could give it to his soon to be fiancée."
"I said no. Mom would want me to hold on to it for when my daughter gets married."
"My brother wanted to give it to his fiaheée to keep. He wasnt going to give it back after thd wedding."
"My mom wanted to keep it in the family as it was passed down from her mom to her, then me to my daughter."
"After going back and forth with him, he made the choice to stop communication with me. He is getting married and did not invite me to his wedding."
"When I tried to call him, his fiancée told me that it would be best to not call anymore and that my brother was really hurt."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I could be judged because he is my brother and I didn't give him a family heirloom for his fiancée."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He is the one who is being hurtful. Honoring a loved one's wishes can sometimes put us in a difficult position."
"You're between a rock and a hard place here and your brother could have stepped up and tried to understand. He's being selfish and petty."
"He had his future wife do the communicating because he knows he's wrong. I would respect the boundary and not contact him."
"It's another loss in your life and it complicates the grieving you're already doing. I'm so sorry, OP. Give yourself grace. Feel your feelings." ~ 0neHumanPeolple
"That's what he's hoping, that you feel guilty. But what for? He has the audacity to be hurt when he is the one being hurtful."
"He can give the necklace to his future wife if he's that bothered. NTA." ~ PersimmonBasket
"Brother has a lot of nerve cutting OP off for this. Being upset is understandable; going no contact over it shows his character."
"It's telling that OP is the one feeling guilty; I'll bet his brother has manipulated him in various ways their entire lives. NTA."
"He probably doesn't even realize it, but looking back over their relationship, there are likely a number of occasions in which OP was expected to give in and did, to keep the peace." ~ geckotatgirl
"He'll give the necklace to her. They'll break up. She'll wear the necklace to her wedding to another guy." ~ Shdfx1
"NTA. He wants you to feel guilty so you give in to his manipulation. Don't let him get to you."
"If he is willing to throw your relationship away over a ring, over you following your mother's wishes? That's on him, not you." ~ imamage_fightme
"You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. He is the one who:"
"DEMANDED to switch up the gifts your mom gave each of you. Since he wasn't accepting anything but acquiescence, he wasn't asking; he was demanding."
"Values getting his way/getting the ring more than he values you. You have done nothing to spoil the relationship; he has."
"Maybe his future wife doesn't like the necklace; maybe he wasn't willing to spend a lot on a ring. Nothing creates an obligation on your part to appease him."
"I'm sure it hurts and makes you sad; but please don't feel guilty. Live your life. Make no apologies because you owe him none."
"If he gets past whatever is driving him at this moment and tries to re-establish a relationship with you, you can decide then if/how you want to proceed."
"My siblings and I have split the things our mom left behind. My sister and I did trade an item or two—by mutual consent."
"What makes your brother so very wrong is him requiring you to give up something you don't want to give up AND holding your relationship hostage for that. Even if I HAD been open to a trade, that behavior would put an end to any further possibility of trading. NTA." ~ swillshop
"The gift was meant to be passed down to his daughter. Not to save him money on an engagement ring for his fiancée. NTA." ~ jeronino2722
"That's what stood out to me, too. The mother wanted her granddaughters to receive her jewelry and OP's brother is disrespecting her wishes and punishing OP because of it. NTA." ~ Large-Meaning-517
"Yeah, that jumped out at me."
"She wants her grandchildren to have something of hers to remember her by. He is disrespecting your mothers wishes on so many levels."
"NTA. Don't back down OP." ~ fooooooooooooooooock
"Being close to someone doesn't mean that both parties are making an equal effort. Maybe you were only close because you always gave him what he wanted."
"This can't be the first time you've disagreed about something, but maybe it's the first time you haven't let him win the argument. NTA." ~ Umm_what_I_think_is
"You were close as long as you did everything he wanted I'm guessing?"
"It must suck to realise that you were in fact not that close and your brother did in fact value you very little."
"Giving him the ring won't fix the fact that you now know how little you matter to him. NTA." ~ Broutythecat
"Your mom was very specific and he knows it. She doesn't want it given to one of your wives; she wants it to go to a granddaughter and stay in the family."
"You're 100% NTA. I'm sorry you feel guilty, but that stems from the compassion you feel for your brother. You know he wants to honor your mom in that way, but she made it clear to both of you that it was to go to her granddaughter."
"I mean, not to be mean spirited, but what if they divorce? What if your brother dies and she remarries? She's not obligated to return it and again, your mom wanted it to stay in the family."
"Perhaps your brother would consider having a duplicate made. You could find a jeweler to copy it and your brother would get a heartfelt ring that infuses your mom's design and taste with your love and empathy."
"I would probably send my brother a note telling him you're heartbroken that he's decided to end your close relationship over this. Remind him that he was there when Mom clearly told you both that he was to get the necklace."
"Tell him it's unfair that he's punishing you over your mom's deathbed instructions. You'll know you've said and done all you can and it's his choice whether to honor or disrespect her wishes."
"I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP, and you have my deepest condolences." ~ geckotatgirl
"NTA. You're just trying to follow what your mom wanted, and it's not like you're doing anything wrong. Your brother is being dramatic and honestly kind of selfish here."
"He already got something special, so why is he making it a big deal now? And the fact that he had his fiancée step in instead of talking to you himself just feels so immature. You're not the bad guy at all." ~ lfoxyadventuress
"NTA. Your mom made a very specific choice. You are honoring that choice. End of story." ~ GreekAmericanDom
"This is probably exactly why your mother chose you to have the ring. She knew your brother would hand it off to a girlfriend or fiancée instead of keeping it in the family like she wanted."
"NTA, OP, you're honoring your mother's dying wish and making sure your brothers ex-fiancée or first ex-wife doesn't get your mother's ring instead of her granddaughter." ~ MohawMais
"Your brother just didn't want to buy an engagement ring. NTA." ~ ITLynn
The message from Reddit was very clear.
Hang onto that ring, OP.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.