An heirloom is defined as “something of special value handed down from one generation to another.” The item may have a monetary value, or simply a sentimental value.
Jewelry often becomes a family heirloom. Jewelry is fairly small, easily transported, and doesn’t usually require a specific size.
For example, anyone in a family can wear a tie tack or brooch. However, unlike great aunt Esther’s antique davenport, jewelry is often seen as gender specific. Necklaces and brooches are usually passed through the women in the family, cuff links and pocket watches generally go to the men.
Rings are also usually gendered, based on who originally owned it. But gendered jewelry can create conflict when a generation of the family is all one gender.
Who gets grandpa’s watch when all the grandchildren are girls? Who gets grandma’s engagement ring when all the grandkids are boys?
Do you gift it to a spouse of a grandchild or hope the next generation has more gender diversity?
If the family chooses the former option, what happens in the case of divorce? Many a family heirloom was lost to a court order.
A recipient of a family heirloom turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with their brother.
AgreeableRice2002 asked:
“AITA for refusing to give my brother my mom’s wedding ring?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My brother and I are the only siblings in my family, so when my mother was terminal with cancer, she sat us both down to give us each some jewlery that meant something to her.”
“I got her wedding ring that once belonged to her mother—my grandmother. I was to pass it down to my daughter.”
“My brother got a necklace to be passed down to his daughter. Years later, my brother asked if we could trade the pieces so he could give it to his soon to be fiancée.”
“I said no. Mom would want me to hold on to it for when my daughter gets married.”
“My brother wanted to give it to his fiaheée to keep. He wasnt going to give it back after thd wedding.”
“My mom wanted to keep it in the family as it was passed down from her mom to her, then me to my daughter.”
“After going back and forth with him, he made the choice to stop communication with me. He is getting married and did not invite me to his wedding.”
“When I tried to call him, his fiancée told me that it would be best to not call anymore and that my brother was really hurt.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I could be judged because he is my brother and I didn’t give him a family heirloom for his fiancée.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. He is the one who is being hurtful. Honoring a loved one’s wishes can sometimes put us in a difficult position.”
“You’re between a rock and a hard place here and your brother could have stepped up and tried to understand. He’s being selfish and petty.”
“He had his future wife do the communicating because he knows he’s wrong. I would respect the boundary and not contact him.”
“It’s another loss in your life and it complicates the grieving you’re already doing. I’m so sorry, OP. Give yourself grace. Feel your feelings.” ~ 0neHumanPeolple
“That’s what he’s hoping, that you feel guilty. But what for? He has the audacity to be hurt when he is the one being hurtful.”
“He can give the necklace to his future wife if he’s that bothered. NTA.” ~ PersimmonBasket
“Brother has a lot of nerve cutting OP off for this. Being upset is understandable; going no contact over it shows his character.”
“It’s telling that OP is the one feeling guilty; I’ll bet his brother has manipulated him in various ways their entire lives. NTA.”
“He probably doesn’t even realize it, but looking back over their relationship, there are likely a number of occasions in which OP was expected to give in and did, to keep the peace.” ~ geckotatgirl
“He’ll give the necklace to her. They’ll break up. She’ll wear the necklace to her wedding to another guy.” ~ Shdfx1
“NTA. He wants you to feel guilty so you give in to his manipulation. Don’t let him get to you.”
“If he is willing to throw your relationship away over a ring, over you following your mother’s wishes? That’s on him, not you.” ~ imamage_fightme
“You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. He is the one who:”
“DEMANDED to switch up the gifts your mom gave each of you. Since he wasn’t accepting anything but acquiescence, he wasn’t asking; he was demanding.”
“Values getting his way/getting the ring more than he values you. You have done nothing to spoil the relationship; he has.”
“Maybe his future wife doesn’t like the necklace; maybe he wasn’t willing to spend a lot on a ring. Nothing creates an obligation on your part to appease him.”
“I’m sure it hurts and makes you sad; but please don’t feel guilty. Live your life. Make no apologies because you owe him none.”
“If he gets past whatever is driving him at this moment and tries to re-establish a relationship with you, you can decide then if/how you want to proceed.”
“My siblings and I have split the things our mom left behind. My sister and I did trade an item or two—by mutual consent.”
“What makes your brother so very wrong is him requiring you to give up something you don’t want to give up AND holding your relationship hostage for that. Even if I HAD been open to a trade, that behavior would put an end to any further possibility of trading. NTA.” ~ swillshop
“The gift was meant to be passed down to his daughter. Not to save him money on an engagement ring for his fiancée. NTA.” ~ jeronino2722
“That’s what stood out to me, too. The mother wanted her granddaughters to receive her jewelry and OP’s brother is disrespecting her wishes and punishing OP because of it. NTA.” ~ Large-Meaning-517
“Yeah, that jumped out at me.”
“She wants her grandchildren to have something of hers to remember her by. He is disrespecting your mothers wishes on so many levels.”
“NTA. Don’t back down OP.” ~ fooooooooooooooooock
“Being close to someone doesn’t mean that both parties are making an equal effort. Maybe you were only close because you always gave him what he wanted.”
“This can’t be the first time you’ve disagreed about something, but maybe it’s the first time you haven’t let him win the argument. NTA.” ~ Umm_what_I_think_is
“You were close as long as you did everything he wanted I’m guessing?”
“It must suck to realise that you were in fact not that close and your brother did in fact value you very little.”
“Giving him the ring won’t fix the fact that you now know how little you matter to him. NTA.” ~ Broutythecat
“Your mom was very specific and he knows it. She doesn’t want it given to one of your wives; she wants it to go to a granddaughter and stay in the family.”
“You’re 100% NTA. I’m sorry you feel guilty, but that stems from the compassion you feel for your brother. You know he wants to honor your mom in that way, but she made it clear to both of you that it was to go to her granddaughter.”
“I mean, not to be mean spirited, but what if they divorce? What if your brother dies and she remarries? She’s not obligated to return it and again, your mom wanted it to stay in the family.”
“Perhaps your brother would consider having a duplicate made. You could find a jeweler to copy it and your brother would get a heartfelt ring that infuses your mom’s design and taste with your love and empathy.”
“I would probably send my brother a note telling him you’re heartbroken that he’s decided to end your close relationship over this. Remind him that he was there when Mom clearly told you both that he was to get the necklace.”
“Tell him it’s unfair that he’s punishing you over your mom’s deathbed instructions. You’ll know you’ve said and done all you can and it’s his choice whether to honor or disrespect her wishes.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP, and you have my deepest condolences.” ~ geckotatgirl
“NTA. You’re just trying to follow what your mom wanted, and it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong. Your brother is being dramatic and honestly kind of selfish here.”
“He already got something special, so why is he making it a big deal now? And the fact that he had his fiancée step in instead of talking to you himself just feels so immature. You’re not the bad guy at all.” ~ lfoxyadventuress
“NTA. Your mom made a very specific choice. You are honoring that choice. End of story.” ~ GreekAmericanDom
“This is probably exactly why your mother chose you to have the ring. She knew your brother would hand it off to a girlfriend or fiancée instead of keeping it in the family like she wanted.”
“NTA, OP, you’re honoring your mother’s dying wish and making sure your brothers ex-fiancée or first ex-wife doesn’t get your mother’s ring instead of her granddaughter.” ~ MohawMais
“Your brother just didn’t want to buy an engagement ring. NTA.” ~ ITLynn
The message from Reddit was very clear.
Hang onto that ring, OP.