Parents shouldn’t call their children names, right?
But, sadly, it happens.
Many people learn how to shake it off, though.
They learn coping mechanisms to combat the trauma.
A lot of the time, the biggest problem is that the parent doesn’t believe they’re being malicious, just “helpful.”
This can trigger a lot of emotions.
Redditor AdCalm6208 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for drunkenly ignoring my parents after my mom called me fat on my birthday?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So my parents invited my partner and me on a holiday for my birthday, and they paid for the room.”
“I haven’t spent a birthday with them in years as I’ve been living abroad.”
“I’ve spent the last couple of weeks back home, as my partner and I are travelling right now, and things with my mom were better than usual.”
“I had been really trying to bond with her.”
“Teach her yoga, communicate with her my boundaries, and help more than usual around the house.”
“She has a history of commenting on my weight too much.”
“She has her own weight traumas.”
“I’m not obese, just a bit overweight.”
“Fast forward, the night before my birthday.”
“We’re all out having a nice time, salsa dancing, and waiting for midnight.”
“I tell her I’ve lost my favorite orange skirt.”
“She proceeds to respond with ‘Oh well, didn’t you see how fat it made you look in your cousin’s Instagram video?'”
“This threw me.”
“It’s my favorite skirt.”
“She grabbed a nice family memory, made it negative, and made me feel watched and judged.”
“I proceeded to get immaturely drunk and ignore them and ask them to leave before midnight.”
“My mom apparently had a panic attack and went to the hospital.”
“This isn’t the first time she’s had a panic attack because I’ve mistreated her.'”
“My stepdad has told me I need to try harder with her, and I f**ked up by reacting that way.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, Reddit, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Imagine insulting your child and then faking a panic attack when they react to it. Lol.”
“Mom is very dramatic. NTA.” ~ SlinkyMalinky20
“You’re a married woman with your own family.”
“It’s time to give up the fantasy of having a non-abusive, emotionally mature mother.”
“She is not capable of it.”
“You need to limit your contact with her to amounts that will not damage you.”
“She is not going to suddenly have emotional maturity.”
“She is not suddenly going to stop saying hurtful things.”
“She is who she is.”
“I strongly urge you to go to a good counsellor to help you work through the damage she did.”
“Also, to make yourself strong enough to have some sort of relationship with her where she won’t have the ability to hurt you.”
“I think of my own mother as a damaged child.”
“She is foolish and selfish and can be very hurtful, but she does love me and does not do things out of spite – just out of immaturity and foolishness.”
“This reframing helped me.”
“Perhaps a counsellor could help you helpfully reframe your own mother? ~ HappySummerBreeze
“It seems like if she’s the one who has panic attacks, she’s the one who should manage her mistreatment of others.”
“NTA. Your mom provoked you, and your dad is enabling her.”
“My guess is this is their pattern.”
“You can decide not to engage with it; then they get to decide if they’re going to keep acting shi**y.” ~ 30Helenssayf**koff
“It doesn’t matter if your @ss is so large that it takes up all three seats on the airplane.”
“Outside of the doctor’s office, there are very few times it is appropriate to comment on someone else’s body.”
“This was definitely not the time or place, and certainly not necessary. NTA.” ~ not_bonnakins
“NTA, she deserved to be ignored by you and ruined your mood.”
“Maybe your mother needs to work on herself, not to bring up the same old things straight in your face.”
“You don’t owe her anything.”
“Seriously, I don’t understand why people have to bring this up every time they have a chance?”
“No matter how big/small you are, they will bring it up, and when you do the opposite, they are hurt… huh.” ~ QuietWalk2505
“Yes, she did!”
“OP did nothing but try to give them both a good time, and was rewarded with insults.”
“Obviously NTA.” ~ 3bag
“Tell her it’s too bad it wasn’t a heart attack…”
“Oh, wait, that’s my risk, cause you like to tell me I’m fat… I guess you should have known it was just emotions… cause you’re the crazy one… NTA.” ~ Embarrassed-Row-2025
“I spent years establishing boundaries with my parents about my weight.”
“There were many hurtful comments.”
“Like… MANY.”
“Now, as a middle-aged adult, I tolerate no crap.”
“And after exploding all over them a few times in my 20s and 30s, they have learned to shut up about it.”
“I’d say your only real error was getting drunk and ignoring them rather than a head-on confrontation.”
“Set those boundaries HARD.”
“Have all the panic attacks you want, mom, but I will not tolerate negativity about my weight or my appearance.”
“Choose a specific consequence.”
“If mom does A, you will do B.”
“And follow through.”
“Every time.” ~ InternationalTexan71
“NTA. Your mother sounds like a manipulative, mean girl.”
“You should absolutely stop giving her details about your life if you plan to continue being around her.”
“Grey rocking is what it’s called.”
“Don’t give her any ammunition.”
“Your dad is a flying monkey and an enabler.”
“He will report things back to your mother and continue to make you feel guilty and responsible for your mother’s manufactured feelings.” ~ AnotherBogCryptid
“NTA- Does she normally act like this?”
“Because while I am not a doc and have nowhere near a complete pic of your family dynamic, your mom’s behavior really mirrors that of someone who has N[arcissistic] P[ersonality] D[isorder].”
“Why would I know?”
“I am 23 years estranged from my own narcissistic mom.”
“If this is a pattern with her and you would like to learn more, you might find the sub r/raisedbynarcissists to be illuminating.”
“I am sorry that your mom ruined your night and made you second-guess something that gives you both joy and confidence.”
“Then, when she had consequences for her outright rudeness, she turned it around and made it about her with her ‘panic attack.'”
“Note that by doing this, she successfully made herself the victim when she was the one who insulted you in the first place.” ~ magicmom17
“NTA. As someone who had a mother who would be incredibly hurtful, you can try to mend your relationship until you’ve turned yourself inside out.”
“But if you’re the only one doing it, nothing will change.”
“You’ll just burn yourself out.”
“Find a way to coexist with boundaries and go L[ow] C[ontact] or flat out N[o] C[ontact].”
“Trust me, that’s how you keep your sanity.”
“I grew so much as a person after I went NC with my mom.”
“After a period of grief, of course, since I effectively lost her.”
“It’s an extreme case, though, and doesn’t have to apply to you.”
“Good luck!” ~ PaperPiecedPumpkin
“I’m sorry your mom ruined your birthday.”
“It must have been even more upsetting as you thought your relationship was getting better.”
“As you’ve said, it was childish to get drunk, but you know what, who cares as long as you did it responsibly, and if that helped you deal with the situation, why not?”
“It blows my mind that your mom insulted you like that and then proceeded to play the victim.”
“Your stepdad is also a jerk for enabling her behavior and making that comment to you.”
“Time to go back to LC or NC with them. NTA.” ~ PaperGoodsAddict29
“NTA… I’m sorry, but I don’t condone people being forced to capitulate to people like this mom.”
“Family is important for sure, and those relationships mean a lot, but if your family is constantly putting you down and then playing the victim when you get offended, they are manipulating you, and you should not have to try hard to appease those people.” ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
“Your mother’s comment was obviously inappropriate.”
“It’s rude to call anyone fat, so I don’t know why they feel like your mother gets a pass on that.”
“I wonder if your stepdad is asking your mother to try harder.”
“It sounds like your mother needs to speak with a counselor and/or doctor about her panic attacks.”
“However, I don’t think getting hammered is an appropriate response either.”
“We only have your side of the story, so I wonder how much heavy lifting the phrase ‘immaturely drunk’ is doing here.”
“You’ll just have to be honest with yourself as far as that is concerned.”
“Based on the info provided here, NTA.” ~ thereisonlyoneme
“YOU f**ked up when SHE is insulting you on your birthday after an endless history of insults and her being aware she needs to stop?!”
“Your stepfather needs a reality check. ASAP.”
“NTA and reduce contact until she makes significant progress.”
“Learning to filter and not insult you.” ~ Organic_Start_420
“I guess she’s practicing panic attacks for the panic attacks she’s going to really have when her future grandkids have no contact.” ~ Little_Effort8596
OP came back with an Update…
“Found my skirt!”
“The hotel lobby had it.”
“They apparently called the room, and someone answered and said it wasn’t the room.”
“I’m not going to read into it.”
“Thank you, everyone, for all your comments.”
“This has been a wake-up call – looking at some suggested links and figuring out how to establish the correct boundaries, with some professional help.”
“I’ve never posted here before, having internet strangers give their perspectives was oddly extremely helpful – thank you!”
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your mother is completely out of line.
It’s terrible that you have to deal with this.
Hopefully, the professional help you get will help you process this.
You keep being you and salsa away.