Parents shouldn't call their children names, right?
But, sadly, it happens.
Many people learn how to shake it off, though.
They learn coping mechanisms to combat the trauma.
A lot of the time, the biggest problem is that the parent doesn't believe they're being malicious, just "helpful."
This can trigger a lot of emotions.
Redditor AdCalm6208 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for drunkenly ignoring my parents after my mom called me fat on my birthday?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So my parents invited my partner and me on a holiday for my birthday, and they paid for the room."
"I haven't spent a birthday with them in years as I've been living abroad."
"I've spent the last couple of weeks back home, as my partner and I are travelling right now, and things with my mom were better than usual."
"I had been really trying to bond with her."
"Teach her yoga, communicate with her my boundaries, and help more than usual around the house."
"She has a history of commenting on my weight too much."
"She has her own weight traumas."
"I'm not obese, just a bit overweight."
"Fast forward, the night before my birthday."
"We're all out having a nice time, salsa dancing, and waiting for midnight."
"I tell her I've lost my favorite orange skirt."
"She proceeds to respond with 'Oh well, didn't you see how fat it made you look in your cousin's Instagram video?'"
"This threw me."
"It's my favorite skirt."
"She grabbed a nice family memory, made it negative, and made me feel watched and judged."
"I proceeded to get immaturely drunk and ignore them and ask them to leave before midnight."
"My mom apparently had a panic attack and went to the hospital."
"This isn't the first time she's had a panic attack because I've mistreated her.'"
"My stepdad has told me I need to try harder with her, and I f**ked up by reacting that way."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Imagine insulting your child and then faking a panic attack when they react to it. Lol."
"Mom is very dramatic. NTA." ~ SlinkyMalinky20
"You're a married woman with your own family."
"It's time to give up the fantasy of having a non-abusive, emotionally mature mother."
"She is not capable of it."
"You need to limit your contact with her to amounts that will not damage you."
"She is not going to suddenly have emotional maturity."
"She is not suddenly going to stop saying hurtful things."
"She is who she is."
"I strongly urge you to go to a good counsellor to help you work through the damage she did."
"Also, to make yourself strong enough to have some sort of relationship with her where she won't have the ability to hurt you."
"I think of my own mother as a damaged child."
"She is foolish and selfish and can be very hurtful, but she does love me and does not do things out of spite - just out of immaturity and foolishness."
"This reframing helped me."
"Perhaps a counsellor could help you helpfully reframe your own mother? ~ HappySummerBreeze
"It seems like if she's the one who has panic attacks, she's the one who should manage her mistreatment of others."
"NTA. Your mom provoked you, and your dad is enabling her."
"My guess is this is their pattern."
"You can decide not to engage with it; then they get to decide if they're going to keep acting shi**y." ~ 30Helenssayf**koff
"It doesn't matter if your @ss is so large that it takes up all three seats on the airplane."
"Outside of the doctor's office, there are very few times it is appropriate to comment on someone else's body."
"This was definitely not the time or place, and certainly not necessary. NTA." ~ not_bonnakins
"NTA, she deserved to be ignored by you and ruined your mood."
"Maybe your mother needs to work on herself, not to bring up the same old things straight in your face."
"You don't owe her anything."
"Seriously, I don't understand why people have to bring this up every time they have a chance?"
"No matter how big/small you are, they will bring it up, and when you do the opposite, they are hurt... huh." ~ QuietWalk2505
"Yes, she did!"
"OP did nothing but try to give them both a good time, and was rewarded with insults."
"Obviously NTA." ~ 3bag
"Tell her it's too bad it wasn't a heart attack..."
"Oh, wait, that's my risk, cause you like to tell me I'm fat... I guess you should have known it was just emotions... cause you're the crazy one... NTA." ~ Embarrassed-Row-2025
"I spent years establishing boundaries with my parents about my weight."
"There were many hurtful comments."
"Like... MANY."
"Now, as a middle-aged adult, I tolerate no crap."
"And after exploding all over them a few times in my 20s and 30s, they have learned to shut up about it."
"I'd say your only real error was getting drunk and ignoring them rather than a head-on confrontation."
"Set those boundaries HARD."
"Have all the panic attacks you want, mom, but I will not tolerate negativity about my weight or my appearance."
"Choose a specific consequence."
"If mom does A, you will do B."
"And follow through."
"Every time." ~ InternationalTexan71
"NTA. Your mother sounds like a manipulative, mean girl."
"You should absolutely stop giving her details about your life if you plan to continue being around her."
"Grey rocking is what it's called."
"Don't give her any ammunition."
"Your dad is a flying monkey and an enabler."
"He will report things back to your mother and continue to make you feel guilty and responsible for your mother's manufactured feelings." ~ AnotherBogCryptid
"NTA- Does she normally act like this?"
"Because while I am not a doc and have nowhere near a complete pic of your family dynamic, your mom's behavior really mirrors that of someone who has N[arcissistic] P[ersonality] D[isorder]."
"Why would I know?"
"I am 23 years estranged from my own narcissistic mom."
"If this is a pattern with her and you would like to learn more, you might find the sub r/raisedbynarcissists to be illuminating."
"I am sorry that your mom ruined your night and made you second-guess something that gives you both joy and confidence."
"Then, when she had consequences for her outright rudeness, she turned it around and made it about her with her 'panic attack.'"
"Note that by doing this, she successfully made herself the victim when she was the one who insulted you in the first place." ~ magicmom17
"NTA. As someone who had a mother who would be incredibly hurtful, you can try to mend your relationship until you've turned yourself inside out."
"But if you're the only one doing it, nothing will change."
"You'll just burn yourself out."
"Find a way to coexist with boundaries and go L[ow] C[ontact] or flat out N[o] C[ontact]."
"Trust me, that's how you keep your sanity."
"I grew so much as a person after I went NC with my mom."
"After a period of grief, of course, since I effectively lost her."
"It's an extreme case, though, and doesn't have to apply to you."
"Good luck!" ~ PaperPiecedPumpkin
"I'm sorry your mom ruined your birthday."
"It must have been even more upsetting as you thought your relationship was getting better."
"As you've said, it was childish to get drunk, but you know what, who cares as long as you did it responsibly, and if that helped you deal with the situation, why not?"
"It blows my mind that your mom insulted you like that and then proceeded to play the victim."
"Your stepdad is also a jerk for enabling her behavior and making that comment to you."
"Time to go back to LC or NC with them. NTA." ~ PaperGoodsAddict29
"NTA... I'm sorry, but I don't condone people being forced to capitulate to people like this mom."
"Family is important for sure, and those relationships mean a lot, but if your family is constantly putting you down and then playing the victim when you get offended, they are manipulating you, and you should not have to try hard to appease those people." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"Your mother's comment was obviously inappropriate."
"It's rude to call anyone fat, so I don't know why they feel like your mother gets a pass on that."
"I wonder if your stepdad is asking your mother to try harder."
"It sounds like your mother needs to speak with a counselor and/or doctor about her panic attacks."
"However, I don't think getting hammered is an appropriate response either."
"We only have your side of the story, so I wonder how much heavy lifting the phrase 'immaturely drunk' is doing here."
"You'll just have to be honest with yourself as far as that is concerned."
"Based on the info provided here, NTA." ~ thereisonlyoneme
"YOU f**ked up when SHE is insulting you on your birthday after an endless history of insults and her being aware she needs to stop?!"
"Your stepfather needs a reality check. ASAP."
"NTA and reduce contact until she makes significant progress."
"Learning to filter and not insult you." ~ Organic_Start_420
"I guess she's practicing panic attacks for the panic attacks she's going to really have when her future grandkids have no contact." ~ Little_Effort8596
OP came back with an Update...
"Found my skirt!"
"The hotel lobby had it."
"They apparently called the room, and someone answered and said it wasn't the room."
"I'm not going to read into it."
"Thank you, everyone, for all your comments."
"This has been a wake-up call - looking at some suggested links and figuring out how to establish the correct boundaries, with some professional help."
"I've never posted here before, having internet strangers give their perspectives was oddly extremely helpful - thank you!"
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your mother is completely out of line.
It's terrible that you have to deal with this.
Hopefully, the professional help you get will help you process this.
You keep being you and salsa away.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp