Getting a chance to get away can be difficult and expensive. So once plans are finalized and everything is booked and paid for, it's very difficult to back out.
Especially when other options are available.
A spouse looking forward to a first vacation in a long time with their husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Putrid_Ad1080 asked:
"AITA for not cancelling our long-planned trip because my mother-in-law (MIL) scheduled surgery at the same time?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have a big trip planned for 5 weeks from now. It's a once-in-a-lifetime type of vacation,15 days on the other side of the world, over 27 hours of flights each way."
"We've been planning and saving for it for over 6 months. Both of us work very stressful jobs and very rarely get the chance to take any time off like this—never did in the last 12 years."
"My MIL (70) has several health problems. She recently scheduled a complicated but not urgent surgery for exactly the same time we'll be away."
"She knew we were going away. We were not consulted about the timing. This is a private surgeon at a private hospital, where it can be scheduled any week."
"She was very offended when we asked why she picked the same time as our vacation, said she was in pain, that her health was very important, and couldn't wait until later, but that she didn't need any help."
"She didn't ask us to cancel the trip and said she would be fine, but it's clear she wants us to stay. It's a major surgery. She'll be in a wheelchair and unable to walk for the first 10 days."
"She's 70, has health issues, and there's no one else around except me and my husband. She also has other conditions unrelated to the surgery."
"But at the same time, she's been postponing the surgery since May—she could have had the surgery months ago, but decided to wait and schedule it the exact time of our trip."
"It's not super urgent; she has some pain but goes about her normal life, lives alone, drives, and is 'independent'."
"There's almost no other family around, and the few relatives who live about 40 minutes away either don't drive, have jobs, or simply can't/won't help her during recovery."
"She won't accept any alternative and wants to recover at her own home. Probably the first 3-4 days will be in the hospital, then she'll be in a wheelchair and on bed rest at home. There would be a caregiver, but she doesn't want 24/7 help either because she's stubborn. It's a complicated situation."
"We don't have the option to reschedule our trip without losing a significant amount of money, and honestly, we suspect she chose these dates partly for attention or to create conflict—there were other possible dates."
"Now there's pressure on us to cancel and be there for her, but we feel that after all the time, money, and energy we put into this trip, and how rarely we get breaks, it's unfair to expect us to change our plans."
"We're truly heartbroken that she would do this to us. We've been living our lives around her needs all the time. If there's any problem, we're the ones who solve it. We've never taken vacations or gone away because she might need our help."
"AITA for deciding to still go on our trip?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I decided to keep traveling along with my husband. We might be judged as a**holes for not staying to help his mother after her surgery."
"But she could care about our plans made before and schedule for another time. One week later would be fine."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP and their husband were not the a**holes (NTA).
"NTA—it almost sounds deliberate. Tell her, 'You scheduled surgery for when we are away. If you are going to need our help, then you will need to reschedule. Or make other arrangements'." ~ Individual_Metal_983
"And say no more. Tell her it is not up for discussion. It is totally her choice. By the way, your husband should tell her, not you." ~ SheeScan
"Exactly what I thought! NTA and do not cancel your trip!! If you're having a surgery that requires a caregiver after, you discuss dates and plan with them to ensure you have help."
"This is a scheduled surgery, not emergency surgery. She can move it to another time if she truly needs your help. If she knew you had a huge trip scheduled and deliberately chose that time, then she can figure out someone else to help her."
"This sounds like pure manipulation to me." ~ RUL2022
"My MIL scheduled knee surgery for the week my husband and I were on our honeymoon. He was distracted most of the trip." ~ Rich_Restaurant_3709
"My narcissistic family member waited until the date was set and payments made for the wedding of her oldest granddaughter. She then scheduled her elective surgery for the day before the ceremony."
"Also, she insisted the wedding party stop by the hospital on the way to the reception. She spent the visit telling us how much pain she was in."
"We tried to keep from her when anyone in the family was going on vacation. If she found out, she would suddenly have a 'spell' and need to go to the hospital and want the absent family member(s) to come home."
"Most of us just laughed at her, but one daughter was manipulated her entire life. Don't be manipulated!" ~ Wide_Ideal506
"My aunt is like this. My cousin planned a whole wedding with out of town family arriving and we didn't tell my aunt until the day of the event."
"I am a favorite niece, so my role was to distract my aunt. She thought she was going to lunch with my husband and I. We live out of town but were coming into town that weekend for a made up event at his work, at least that is what she thought."
"We arrived to pick her up to take her to a quick lunch and then while we were driving we told her we had a surprise and took her to the wedding. She sat stunned through the wedding and then told my cousin that she thought she was having a heart attack and wanted 911 called."
"A family member who is a physician looked her over and told us that she was actually fine, we told her we'd take her home or to the reception, her choice. She picked the reception and by the time we arrived she had decided that my cousin planned the wedding without involving her to save her money."
"Delulu is strong in narcissists. She had a great time. During the reception, my cousin announced they were going on their honeymoon a month later."
"The next morning my aunt called me in a panic because my cousin was not answering her phone and she needed her to come and help her with some things. I got to tell her it was because she was on a plane on her way to the honeymoon and that I had no idea where they were or when they would be back." ~ IllTakeACupOfTea
"It sounds VERY deliberate. I wouldn't trust it at all."
"OP, do not cancel or change your plans. Your MIL knew that you and your husband were planning a big trip."
"She also knew that there would be few people to help her outside of you and your husband. Yet she still scheduled her procedure during the dates of your trip. That was a choice SHE made.
"You and your husband shouldn't have your plans ruined over decisions that she made. Go on your trip. Have a good time. Make lots of memories."
"And in case you weren't sure of my stance, you are 100% NTA." ~ Girlw_noname
"I get the family pressure, but no. You're not wrong for going. You planned ahead, gave notice, and she chose those dates anyway. That's not your emergency to fix." ~ Salty-Mud-4766
"This would be a time to advise her surgeon that you will not be available post surgery due to previous commitments. Depending on where you are, this could mean that she might be pissed, but she's not going home."
"She's going somewhere where trained professionals can ensure that her rehab isn't delayed and that she follows the post surgical instructions."
"We did that with my dad. Just refused to allow him back because no one could care for him. Doctor had him admitted to a care home." ~ Fallenthropy
"This actually isn't a complicated situation, so don't let her make you think it is. It's easy. A) she reschedules B) she gets help from someone else. Neither of those are your problem. See how simple that is." ~ Taycotar
"Your MIL sounds so much like mine... I'm sorry. My MIL scheduled a surgery for the day I was going to be induced.
"She expected my husband to take her. When he reminded her that I was going to be induced that day, she said that I have family who can be there with me and he needed to take her."
"He then told her that he wasn't going to miss the birth of his child. She flipped out and said that he didn't love her, didn't care if she died, and I planned to be induced on that day to spite her... even though I was scheduled well before she scheduled her surgery."
"OP, go on your vacation. Have a wonderful time!" ~ SuperGiGi1016
Someone else's decisions are theirs to live with.
OP's mother-in-law chose when to have her surgery. OP and her husband have no responsibility for that choice.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp