Getting a chance to get away can be difficult and expensive. So once plans are finalized and everything is booked and paid for, it’s very difficult to back out.
Especially when other options are available.
A spouse looking forward to a first vacation in a long time with their husband turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Putrid_Ad1080 asked:
“AITA for not cancelling our long-planned trip because my mother-in-law (MIL) scheduled surgery at the same time?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I have a big trip planned for 5 weeks from now. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime type of vacation,15 days on the other side of the world, over 27 hours of flights each way.”
“We’ve been planning and saving for it for over 6 months. Both of us work very stressful jobs and very rarely get the chance to take any time off like this—never did in the last 12 years.”
“My MIL (70) has several health problems. She recently scheduled a complicated but not urgent surgery for exactly the same time we’ll be away.”
“She knew we were going away. We were not consulted about the timing. This is a private surgeon at a private hospital, where it can be scheduled any week.”
“She was very offended when we asked why she picked the same time as our vacation, said she was in pain, that her health was very important, and couldn’t wait until later, but that she didn’t need any help.”
“She didn’t ask us to cancel the trip and said she would be fine, but it’s clear she wants us to stay. It’s a major surgery. She’ll be in a wheelchair and unable to walk for the first 10 days.”
“She’s 70, has health issues, and there’s no one else around except me and my husband. She also has other conditions unrelated to the surgery.”
“But at the same time, she’s been postponing the surgery since May—she could have had the surgery months ago, but decided to wait and schedule it the exact time of our trip.”
“It’s not super urgent; she has some pain but goes about her normal life, lives alone, drives, and is ‘independent’.”
“There’s almost no other family around, and the few relatives who live about 40 minutes away either don’t drive, have jobs, or simply can’t/won’t help her during recovery.”
“She won’t accept any alternative and wants to recover at her own home. Probably the first 3-4 days will be in the hospital, then she’ll be in a wheelchair and on bed rest at home. There would be a caregiver, but she doesn’t want 24/7 help either because she’s stubborn. It’s a complicated situation.”
“We don’t have the option to reschedule our trip without losing a significant amount of money, and honestly, we suspect she chose these dates partly for attention or to create conflict—there were other possible dates.”
“Now there’s pressure on us to cancel and be there for her, but we feel that after all the time, money, and energy we put into this trip, and how rarely we get breaks, it’s unfair to expect us to change our plans.”
“We’re truly heartbroken that she would do this to us. We’ve been living our lives around her needs all the time. If there’s any problem, we’re the ones who solve it. We’ve never taken vacations or gone away because she might need our help.”
“AITA for deciding to still go on our trip?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I decided to keep traveling along with my husband. We might be judged as a**holes for not staying to help his mother after her surgery.”
“But she could care about our plans made before and schedule for another time. One week later would be fine.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP and their husband were not the a**holes (NTA).
“NTA—it almost sounds deliberate. Tell her, ‘You scheduled surgery for when we are away. If you are going to need our help, then you will need to reschedule. Or make other arrangements’.” ~ Individual_Metal_983
“And say no more. Tell her it is not up for discussion. It is totally her choice. By the way, your husband should tell her, not you.” ~ SheeScan
“Exactly what I thought! NTA and do not cancel your trip!! If you’re having a surgery that requires a caregiver after, you discuss dates and plan with them to ensure you have help.”
“This is a scheduled surgery, not emergency surgery. She can move it to another time if she truly needs your help. If she knew you had a huge trip scheduled and deliberately chose that time, then she can figure out someone else to help her.”
“This sounds like pure manipulation to me.” ~ RUL2022
“My MIL scheduled knee surgery for the week my husband and I were on our honeymoon. He was distracted most of the trip.” ~ Rich_Restaurant_3709
“My narcissistic family member waited until the date was set and payments made for the wedding of her oldest granddaughter. She then scheduled her elective surgery for the day before the ceremony.”
“Also, she insisted the wedding party stop by the hospital on the way to the reception. She spent the visit telling us how much pain she was in.”
“We tried to keep from her when anyone in the family was going on vacation. If she found out, she would suddenly have a ‘spell’ and need to go to the hospital and want the absent family member(s) to come home.”
“Most of us just laughed at her, but one daughter was manipulated her entire life. Don’t be manipulated!” ~ Wide_Ideal506
“My aunt is like this. My cousin planned a whole wedding with out of town family arriving and we didn’t tell my aunt until the day of the event.”
“I am a favorite niece, so my role was to distract my aunt. She thought she was going to lunch with my husband and I. We live out of town but were coming into town that weekend for a made up event at his work, at least that is what she thought.”
“We arrived to pick her up to take her to a quick lunch and then while we were driving we told her we had a surprise and took her to the wedding. She sat stunned through the wedding and then told my cousin that she thought she was having a heart attack and wanted 911 called.”
“A family member who is a physician looked her over and told us that she was actually fine, we told her we’d take her home or to the reception, her choice. She picked the reception and by the time we arrived she had decided that my cousin planned the wedding without involving her to save her money.”
“Delulu is strong in narcissists. She had a great time. During the reception, my cousin announced they were going on their honeymoon a month later.”
“The next morning my aunt called me in a panic because my cousin was not answering her phone and she needed her to come and help her with some things. I got to tell her it was because she was on a plane on her way to the honeymoon and that I had no idea where they were or when they would be back.” ~ IllTakeACupOfTea
“It sounds VERY deliberate. I wouldn’t trust it at all.”
“OP, do not cancel or change your plans. Your MIL knew that you and your husband were planning a big trip.”
“She also knew that there would be few people to help her outside of you and your husband. Yet she still scheduled her procedure during the dates of your trip. That was a choice SHE made.
“You and your husband shouldn’t have your plans ruined over decisions that she made. Go on your trip. Have a good time. Make lots of memories.”
“And in case you weren’t sure of my stance, you are 100% NTA.” ~ Girlw_noname
“I get the family pressure, but no. You’re not wrong for going. You planned ahead, gave notice, and she chose those dates anyway. That’s not your emergency to fix.” ~ Salty-Mud-4766
“This would be a time to advise her surgeon that you will not be available post surgery due to previous commitments. Depending on where you are, this could mean that she might be pissed, but she’s not going home.”
“She’s going somewhere where trained professionals can ensure that her rehab isn’t delayed and that she follows the post surgical instructions.”
“We did that with my dad. Just refused to allow him back because no one could care for him. Doctor had him admitted to a care home.” ~ Fallenthropy
“This actually isn’t a complicated situation, so don’t let her make you think it is. It’s easy. A) she reschedules B) she gets help from someone else. Neither of those are your problem. See how simple that is.” ~ Taycotar
“Your MIL sounds so much like mine… I’m sorry. My MIL scheduled a surgery for the day I was going to be induced.
“She expected my husband to take her. When he reminded her that I was going to be induced that day, she said that I have family who can be there with me and he needed to take her.”
“He then told her that he wasn’t going to miss the birth of his child. She flipped out and said that he didn’t love her, didn’t care if she died, and I planned to be induced on that day to spite her… even though I was scheduled well before she scheduled her surgery.”
“OP, go on your vacation. Have a wonderful time!” ~ SuperGiGi1016
Someone else’s decisions are theirs to live with.
OP’s mother-in-law chose when to have her surgery. OP and her husband have no responsibility for that choice.