The thing about living is, no one gets out alive.
Knowing when you’ll die isn’t something most people experience. But some have a better idea than others due to illness.
A young man looking at his own mortality turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
DyinInsideAndOut asked:
“AITA for writing in my will that I don’t want to be buried in a religious cemetery, despite my family’s protest?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (26, male) have been battling leukemia which has recently metastasized to other organs. It’s been a tough journey, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my final wishes.”
“One of the most important things to me is that I want my burial (or lack thereof) to reflect my personal beliefs, which are not religious.”
“My family, however, is religious. They’ve made it clear that they expect me to be buried in a religious cemetery.”
“I love them, and I understand this is coming from a place of tradition and their beliefs about what happens after death, but this doesn’t align with how I feel.”
“To avoid any conflict after I’m gone, I’ve put it in my will that I don’t want to be buried in a religious cemetery. Instead, I’ve chosen to be cremated and my ashes launched into space (always been a dream of mine to go to space).”
“I’ve also made sure this is legally binding and that my wishes are clear to my executor.”
“When I brought this up to my family to prepare them, they were deeply saddened. They were confused as to why I wouldn’t let them bury me in a way that aligns with their faith.”
“My siblings went on to say that since I have no beliefs, it shouldn’t matter where my body ends up, which I somewhat agree with.”
“My mom broke down into tears, saying she doesn’t care what happens to my body (burial, cremation, etc…) so long as she has a physical location to visit (grave site, location where ashes are spread, etc…).”
“My wife has the same sentiment, explaining that she won’t have somewhere to take our daughter to visit me. I explained all they have to do is look up to see me, but seeing everyone so hurt is tearing me apart.”
“My mom would prefer religious (wife only cares about location), but knows I can be uncompromising sometimes. This is my mom’s way of trying to initiate a compromise.”
“Dad is really distraught that I don’t want a religious burial. Siblings are reflecting my parent’s sentiment, and partially their own beliefs. They also are share the sentiment my wife has of having a place to take their own kids (my nieces and nephews) and for themselves.”
“I also want to point out that my religion has certain time points (death anniversary, birthday, 1 month, 1 year, etc.) that family members are supposed to visit the grave for commemorative ceremonies.”
“I tried to explain that this will be the final decision of my life. I’ve compromised on a lot of things during my life to make them happy, but I feel like this is the only way I’ll complete my dream of going to space.”
“Still, their reactions and my own feelings has made me second-guess if I’m doing the right thing, especially before it’s too late to change anything.”
“So AITA for sticking to my personal beliefs and refusing to be buried in a religious cemetery, even if it goes against my family’s wishes?”
The OP later added some clarification.
“The reason why the location of my remains is important is because there are commemorative ceremonies performed at certain points in time after the death.”
“The reason why it’s important that I be buried/have a location is so that these ceremonies can be performed. I want to emphasize it’s also so my family members also have a place to visit me even if not partaking in a religious ceremony.”
“Please don’t speak poorly of my family. I love them, and they love me, and we all respect and value each other’s opinions, feelings, and wishes.”
“At the end of the day, we always come together and do what’s best for all of us.”
“I understand that death and all that isn’t about me, but at the same time, I’m here now. I have my own wishes.”
“Sure it’s my body, but I have no use for it anymore after I’m gone. It’s tough because I have my own wishes now to consider, but my family’s wishes to consider when I’m gone.”
“It wouldn’t make sense for half of my remains to remain here (in any form, whether it be glass beads, diamonds, etc…) and launch the other half because of what I stated above. I will try to bring it up to my family, but I really don’t think either side is willing to compromise on this one.”
“There’s legal documents out there that give an appointed person the right over your body after you pass. It doesn’t go in your will, but it’s easier to explain it that way.”
“I have funds preallocated for this that are separate. My family only has to show up to the launch site/grave site depending on what I finally decide.”
“I want to make my passing as easy on them as possible.”
“Thankfully I’m very fortunate (at least financially, hahaha) that finances aren’t going to be a burden.”
“For the religious part, you need all your remains to be buried (unless there was some tragedy where the entire body cannot be buried or if you donated an organ). In reality, I don’t think I’d want to be cremated if I were to remain on earth.”
“In that case, my entire body would be buried somewhere.”
“Maybe I can split up my body so my family has parts to bury and ashes that can be launched?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I wrote in my will I want to be launched into space. My family thinks I’m the a**hole because this goes against their religion and is selfish of me because they won’t be able to visit me when I’m dead.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You’re the one who’s going through this. It’s your decision.”
“If they want a physical place to visit, maybe find out if you and your family can plant a tree in a local park in your honour? Then your family can visit that anytime they want while still respecting your choice.” ~ bottervliegie
“I’m gonna go NAH. I get not wanting a religious burial. I’m Christian, but I don’t plan on having a religious burial when my time comes. It’s up to you to decide how you want to be handled in death.”
“But I also understand your family. My dad passed and is cremated. His ashes sit in a box of his favorite wood carved with his ‘49 Ford truck on my mom’s mantle.”
“Everything was to his wishes, but sometimes I feel bad that there’s nowhere special I can go to visit him. It doesn’t feel sacred (for lack of a better term) to just pop into my mom’s room to visit him.”
“Maybe you can suggest something like planting a tree in your honor or having a bench placed in a park with your name engraved? That would remove the religious aspect but still give them a place to go. A park bench might be nice because they can visit and look into the sky for you, just like you said.” ~ Curlycue1412
“NTA at all. Can you pick a site sentimental and meaningful to you, your wife, and daughter, where they can spread at least some of your ashes?”
“That way, they can go to that special place where Dad has become one with nature, and a little bit of you continues to exist in the natural surroundings of the area?” ~ ewkdiscgolf
But some sympathized with the OP’s family.
“Respectfully, and I know this sucks to say because you’re the one staring at death. Your wife and daughter and parents are the ones who have to keep living with your death once you’ve passed.”
“You’re going to be a part of the universe one way or another, part of your body will go back to star dust in some distant future, but your family wants to be able to have a place they feel they’re talking to you while they’re still here and grieving you.”
“I do think it’s very understandable to not want a religious ceremony or burial since you aren’t yourself, but I do think it’s important to think about what is really going to matter most once we’re gone. Is it what we wanted and will never know or comprehend, or what will bring comfort to the people who loved and lost us and will spend the rest of their lives grieving?”
“I know I would really struggle if my husband said he wanted his ashes sent to space, and what would help our son and I grieve him wasn’t a consideration.” ~ kaldaka16
The OP has a lot to think about.
Hopefully, they will find a solution that brings them peace.