The thing about living is, no one gets out alive.
Knowing when you'll die isn't something most people experience. But some have a better idea than others due to illness.
A young man looking at his own mortality turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
DyinInsideAndOut asked:
"AITA for writing in my will that I don't want to be buried in a religious cemetery, despite my family's protest?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (26, male) have been battling leukemia which has recently metastasized to other organs. It's been a tough journey, and I've been doing a lot of thinking about my final wishes."
"One of the most important things to me is that I want my burial (or lack thereof) to reflect my personal beliefs, which are not religious."
"My family, however, is religious. They've made it clear that they expect me to be buried in a religious cemetery."
"I love them, and I understand this is coming from a place of tradition and their beliefs about what happens after death, but this doesn't align with how I feel."
"To avoid any conflict after I'm gone, I've put it in my will that I don't want to be buried in a religious cemetery. Instead, I've chosen to be cremated and my ashes launched into space (always been a dream of mine to go to space)."
"I've also made sure this is legally binding and that my wishes are clear to my executor."
"When I brought this up to my family to prepare them, they were deeply saddened. They were confused as to why I wouldn't let them bury me in a way that aligns with their faith."
"My siblings went on to say that since I have no beliefs, it shouldn't matter where my body ends up, which I somewhat agree with."
"My mom broke down into tears, saying she doesn't care what happens to my body (burial, cremation, etc...) so long as she has a physical location to visit (grave site, location where ashes are spread, etc...)."
"My wife has the same sentiment, explaining that she won't have somewhere to take our daughter to visit me. I explained all they have to do is look up to see me, but seeing everyone so hurt is tearing me apart."
"My mom would prefer religious (wife only cares about location), but knows I can be uncompromising sometimes. This is my mom's way of trying to initiate a compromise."
"Dad is really distraught that I don't want a religious burial. Siblings are reflecting my parent's sentiment, and partially their own beliefs. They also are share the sentiment my wife has of having a place to take their own kids (my nieces and nephews) and for themselves."
"I also want to point out that my religion has certain time points (death anniversary, birthday, 1 month, 1 year, etc.) that family members are supposed to visit the grave for commemorative ceremonies."
"I tried to explain that this will be the final decision of my life. I've compromised on a lot of things during my life to make them happy, but I feel like this is the only way I'll complete my dream of going to space."
"Still, their reactions and my own feelings has made me second-guess if I'm doing the right thing, especially before it's too late to change anything."
"So AITA for sticking to my personal beliefs and refusing to be buried in a religious cemetery, even if it goes against my family's wishes?"
The OP later added some clarification.
"The reason why the location of my remains is important is because there are commemorative ceremonies performed at certain points in time after the death."
"The reason why it's important that I be buried/have a location is so that these ceremonies can be performed. I want to emphasize it's also so my family members also have a place to visit me even if not partaking in a religious ceremony."
"Please don't speak poorly of my family. I love them, and they love me, and we all respect and value each other's opinions, feelings, and wishes."
"At the end of the day, we always come together and do what's best for all of us."
"I understand that death and all that isn't about me, but at the same time, I'm here now. I have my own wishes."
"Sure it's my body, but I have no use for it anymore after I'm gone. It's tough because I have my own wishes now to consider, but my family's wishes to consider when I'm gone."
"It wouldn't make sense for half of my remains to remain here (in any form, whether it be glass beads, diamonds, etc...) and launch the other half because of what I stated above. I will try to bring it up to my family, but I really don't think either side is willing to compromise on this one."
"There's legal documents out there that give an appointed person the right over your body after you pass. It doesn't go in your will, but it's easier to explain it that way."
"I have funds preallocated for this that are separate. My family only has to show up to the launch site/grave site depending on what I finally decide."
"I want to make my passing as easy on them as possible."
"Thankfully I'm very fortunate (at least financially, hahaha) that finances aren't going to be a burden."
"For the religious part, you need all your remains to be buried (unless there was some tragedy where the entire body cannot be buried or if you donated an organ). In reality, I don't think I'd want to be cremated if I were to remain on earth."
"In that case, my entire body would be buried somewhere."
"Maybe I can split up my body so my family has parts to bury and ashes that can be launched?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I wrote in my will I want to be launched into space. My family thinks I'm the a**hole because this goes against their religion and is selfish of me because they won't be able to visit me when I'm dead."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You're the one who's going through this. It's your decision."
"If they want a physical place to visit, maybe find out if you and your family can plant a tree in a local park in your honour? Then your family can visit that anytime they want while still respecting your choice." ~ bottervliegie
"I'm gonna go NAH. I get not wanting a religious burial. I'm Christian, but I don't plan on having a religious burial when my time comes. It's up to you to decide how you want to be handled in death."
"But I also understand your family. My dad passed and is cremated. His ashes sit in a box of his favorite wood carved with his '49 Ford truck on my mom's mantle."
"Everything was to his wishes, but sometimes I feel bad that there's nowhere special I can go to visit him. It doesn't feel sacred (for lack of a better term) to just pop into my mom's room to visit him."
"Maybe you can suggest something like planting a tree in your honor or having a bench placed in a park with your name engraved? That would remove the religious aspect but still give them a place to go. A park bench might be nice because they can visit and look into the sky for you, just like you said." ~ Curlycue1412
"NTA at all. Can you pick a site sentimental and meaningful to you, your wife, and daughter, where they can spread at least some of your ashes?"
"That way, they can go to that special place where Dad has become one with nature, and a little bit of you continues to exist in the natural surroundings of the area?" ~ ewkdiscgolf
But some sympathized with the OP's family.
"Respectfully, and I know this sucks to say because you're the one staring at death. Your wife and daughter and parents are the ones who have to keep living with your death once you've passed."
"You're going to be a part of the universe one way or another, part of your body will go back to star dust in some distant future, but your family wants to be able to have a place they feel they're talking to you while they're still here and grieving you."
"I do think it's very understandable to not want a religious ceremony or burial since you aren't yourself, but I do think it's important to think about what is really going to matter most once we're gone. Is it what we wanted and will never know or comprehend, or what will bring comfort to the people who loved and lost us and will spend the rest of their lives grieving?"
"I know I would really struggle if my husband said he wanted his ashes sent to space, and what would help our son and I grieve him wasn't a consideration." ~ kaldaka16
The OP has a lot to think about.
Hopefully, they will find a solution that brings them peace.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp