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Mom Of Two Refuses To Refund Ex-Husband’s Child Support He Claimed Was Paid Early In Error

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The laws about child support vary from state to state and country to country.

As such, the laws about support enforcement—when the government becomes involved in ensuring a parent pays their court ordered support—vary as well.

Can a parent “refund” support that was collected by support enforcement? Is a parent saying support enforcement garnished their entire paycheck likely telling the truth?

A parent turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their ex-husband requested a refund of child support money.

Hipposatmidnight asked:

“AITA for not giving my kids’ dad lunch money?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I (26, female) divorced my ex husband (26, male) about four years ago. We share 2 children, a son and a daughter.”

“We were high school sweethearts. Things didn’t start getting nasty until after my oldest was born and I was on birth control—IUD—when I got pregnant with my second.”

“During our divorce hearing, we were able to work out custody, visitation and child support arrangements. He agreed to give me full custody of the kids and he would pay child support.”

“I didn’t demand custody. I tried to give him 50-50 and he wasn’t interested.”

“Even tried to do it again this past summer when he was consistently coming around and he said no because he didn’t want to have to hire a babysitter to go to work.”

“After the divorce he decided to up and move to Nashville to chase his ‘music career’ that never existed. He managed to work his way up to almost $6,000 behind on his child support, went 7 months without a phone call or visit.”

“When he moved back, I let him start seeing the kids as soon as he asked—2 weeks after he arrived in our state. I try to always remind myself that my relationship with him is not the kids’ relationship with him.”

“Anyway, fast forward to now, his grandfather has been paying his child support monthly—according to his grandmother and aunt—so that he doesn’t lose his license or go to jail.”

“He went out and got a job about 2 months ago and the lady assigned to our case is great at her job, so even though he did not report his job, she knew he was working. His grandfather pays the monthly amount on the last day of every month, so I received December’s amount on December 31st.”

“On January 3rd, I received another payment to that account and approximately 30 minutes after the notification my children’s father starts calling me asking for the money back because it was a mistake payment.”

“I simply explained that I couldn’t give the money back, but if he reached out to child support I would be okay with them giving it back. The conversation continues until he admits that they have started garnishing his wages.”

“He proceeds to tell me that they took his entire paycheck, he can’t buy lunch, or put gas in his car. He wants me to ‘give $200 back’ and he will ‘allow me to keep the extra $82’.”

“I simply stated that I didn’t think it was fair to give the money back when they had credited his account for paying that amount. I also informed him that I do not use that card for personal reasons and all of the money is used on the kids wants and needs.”

“Both of my kids’ birthdays are in January, I had already told the kids that we will go to a waterpark for a weekend, so if I keep the money that’s what it will be used on.”

“He started calling me names and telling me that I’m impossible and never happy.”

“So am I the a**hole for not giving my ex husband lunch money because he claims they took his whole check?”

“Just worried that because I am not struggling (like he is), maybe I should have given him something. Not needing his financial support is 100% due to my career.”

“I provide all of their food, clothes, and housing needs out of my income. 90% of the support money is used to let the kids pick out their own toys—for example my daughter was in Walmart and wants to be a fashion designer, so she got to buy a sewing machine.”

“I really hope that as he gets older he will start to mature and grasp responsibilities.”

The OP summed up their situation.

“I did not give back the money he was asking for. Considering that I may be the a**hole because if I have the money, should I have at least gave him something to be able to buy food and gas?”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole (NTA).

“Okay, HR Payroll person here…they did NOT take his whole check. They have garnished his wages and are deducting for back pay as well, but we always get a support notice that is limited in what we can deduct as they have to leave him so much to live off of.”

“He’s gaslighting you for more money.”

“Also now that he’s been served, if he quits to ‘Run from the support’ he will lose his license and any tax returns he is suppose to get until back pay is completed and his support responsibilities are met!” ~ Existing_Bedroom_496

“NTA. If he’s so desperate, he should go ask Grandpa for money, not his kids.” ~ Seed_Planter72

“NTA. First, they do not take his whole check. They never would. I think it is up to 30%, but it would be different everywhere…but NEVER the whole check.”

“He is scamming you.”

“Second, he doesn’t get to take money back that is spent on his kids. No one does. Once it is gone, it’s gone. You owe him nothing. He owes your children sooooo much.”

“Crazy that he gets to go off and live single, follow his dreams and leave you with ALL responsibilities, then have the nerve to come back and make demands.”

“You have been great in your responses. Keep them logical and try and keep your emotions out of it. They just fuel him. When it comes up again I might respond with something like…”

“‘I’m sorry you are struggling but you and I have separate lives, and I have nothing to do with your finances and you have nothing to do with mine. I am 100% responsible for our children’s needs 100% of the time’.”

“‘Getting a little money from you helps, but I don’t count on it. When I get it, they get the extras they need right away. Sorry that left you strapped. I have been in your position many times over the years’.”

“On repeat.” ~ OhmsWay-71

“NTA. Definitely report it to the caseworker so they can document him trying to manipulate you.” ~ htdio123456

“NTA. I’m not from the US and haven’t visited the country since 2001, so I am unfamiliar with prices there, but $200 seems like a lot for lunch.” ~ Effective_Trouble_69

The OP provided a small update. 

“I did assume he was lying and I was able to look up that my local laws are 33% of a paycheck is the maximum. I also made a phone call to the case manager.”

“He definitely did not tell the truth. She said that his paycheck was garnished correctly, and she called his employer to check.”

“She also said that if he has a problem with his paychecks being garnished, then he should’ve made a phone call to her not to me. I’m so glad that I listened and made the phone call.”

“But then again, I still knew he was struggling. I have decided that I made the correct decision to keep the money for the kids, but I decided that with the help of the comments.”

“So thank you everyone.”

“I have ended all communication between him and I. I allow him to call the kids on their personal devices but I have ended all visitation, told him he can take me to court because I’m not paying my lawyer more until I actually see effort and feel like I need to.”

“My daughter is eight and told me that he sleeps until lunchtime so he never makes some breakfast or lunch. She provides it for her and her brother.”

“My daughter called him on Christmas Eve to ask if she could come see him and he screamed at her at the top of his lungs because he hadn’t bought Christmas presents yet and he wasn’t ready to see them for Christmas.”

“I made a small compromise that he was allowed to come to my house to give the children their gifts, but the children are not going with him. If he would like to see his children, then we can go back to court and get him supervised visitation.”

“When he moved to Nashville, he decided to claim my kids on his taxes and I went through a ton of sh*t with the IRS to prove my kids lived with me, so he’s literally going to be facing fraud charges along with being required to pay back all of the money he received.”

“My lawyer has a copy of my notebook detailing every interaction, missed payment, and missed visit.”

“Although, child support paid or missed has nothing to do with visitation, it is something I am doing strictly because I feel it is the best thing for my kids at this time.”

“It’s hard to do it alone mentally sometimes but I have a very great support system and job. If I’m being totally honest I wish he was out of our lives completely.”

“He’s not interested in seeing the children. The kids are in therapy. I started it when he originally moved out.”

Hopefully, things will turn out better for these children.

It’s hard when a parent doesn’t seem interested in spending time with you.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.