Weddings and childcare are two of the most expensive things in life.
Having to pay for both at once?
Jeff Bezos may not even have that kind of money!
Redditor weddingbabysitter wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not paying my friend to have money for a babysitter to come to our wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Throw away the account so my friend doesn’t know it's me."
"I (F[emale] 22) am getting married to my husband (M[ale] 23) in three months."
"We have a wedding planned relatively close to our family and friends."
"But my friend, I will call her Alyssa (F 24), moved to the other side of the country to live with her husband, I will call him Mike (M 26)."
"They have three kids (M 4), (F 3), (M 1)."
"We are relatively well off money-wise, so we have paid for everything ourselves."
"We both come from big families, so there will be a lot of kids, and the wedding won’t be child-free or under any age restrictions."
"There will be a lot of kids under the age of five."
"We also got a gift in the form of money from family."
"We are willing to pay family and friends who live further away to come to our wedding."
"So they won’t have to worry about spending money to come to our wedding."
"Other friends and family, we have offered this to have accepted this because otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to come."
"But my friend Alyssa isn’t willing to have her kids come to the wedding with her and Mike."
"We have repeatedly said that we were also willing to pay the kids airplane tickets because we love the kids."
"But we aren’t willing to pay for childcare because other friends and family have arranged childcare themselves because they weren’t willing to have the kids with them at the wedding (child-free night🎉🥳), and we aren’t in the position to pay for everyone, so we want to keep it fair."
"And she is demanding we pay for childcare for the entire week (because that is how long we have this whole thing planned), we were willing to pay for childcare for the wedding itself, but not for the entire week that they had wanted to come over."
"And now she’s blowing up my phone, saying I am not a good friend because friends are willing to give everything to each other."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for not being willing to pay for my friend’s childcare so she can come to our wedding child free?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"A week's childcare???"
"You are definitely NTA - Alyssa is having a laugh." ~ PotOfEarlGreyPlease
Friends are willing to give everything to each other.
"And yet she's not willing to give money to a babysitter herself so she can be there for you."
"Funny how that only seems to run one way."
"NTA, it would have been NAH if she had just gracefully accepted your no and declined to come instead (and you had gracefully accepted her not going)."
"But throwing a tantrum and calling you a bad friend for not covering 100% of her costs is definitely ahole behavior." ~ YardageSardage
"NTA. People take advantage of generosity, and it sounds like you’re very generous."
"There’s no reason to pay for their childcare if they aren’t bringing their kids to the wedding." ~ waterproofburrit0
"You have shown an extraordinary generosity by offering to fly people to the wedding.
"However, it also may have created the image in some people's heads that you are 'loaded.'"
" I do not know your and your friend's overall economic situations, but this may have changed how she perceives you."
"Her original request is not crazy (if you are willing to pay for the tickets, why not ask for babysitting instead)."
"Her reaction to your 'no' is crazy."
"Unfortunately, money (even if it is not theirs) does change people."
"In all fairness, I do think that if you are willing to pay for her kids' tickets, maybe offering the same $ as help with babysitting, maybe not a bad thing."
"However, that is your choice, not an obligation." ~ ItIsNotAManual1984
"NTA. Your 'friend' is incredibly entitled."
"Your offer to pay for travel is so generous and above and beyond accommodating."
"Paying for childcare for a week because she doesn't wanna is absurd." ~ StatementEcstatic751
"NTA. If 'friends give everything for each other," then she can pay her own way for her friend's wedding and make a sacrifice for a friend, right??"
"Anything other than gracious gratitude for what you were already willing to pay is a shitty attitude."
"They could also excuse themselves from coming altogether." ~ TheMaStif
"Obviously, NTA, and you know that."
"No one has ever said that friends are willing to give everything to each other, because they aren’t, just like family can’t always support family."
"There are no absolutes in life, that’s not the way it works." ~ Only-Breadfruit-6108
"Jeez. Maybe they expect you to pay their mortgage for that month, too."
"Because they're not even going to be in the house for part of the month because of your wedding, it's only fair you pay for their home while not in use!" ~ impatientdolphin28
"Sticky situations like this happen with friends to reveal their true selves."
"You are left confused because you thought you knew this person, and now you can't marry that idea together with what you are experiencing now."
"But this is their true self, and if you don't believe it and let it slide, it will come back around later as a much harsher lesson."
"Whatever you decide to do, cut them off or not, remember that this is the actual person you are dealing with." ~ Loose_Childhood1055
"NTA. She’s not your friend; she’s a leech."
"By her reply, it sounds like she’s come to expect you to hand out cash whenever she wants it."
"Good on you for saying no; you sound like you’re really generous, and often it can be hard for generous people to set boundaries and say no."
"Don’t feel any guilt at all; you didn’t do anything wrong." ~ Euphoric_Designer840
"NTA. I personally would tell her that if she doesn't stop harassing you over this, she is uninvited to the wedding."
"She's a mother with 3 small children, part of being a mother is finding someone to babysit your children, or taking them with you."
"Or, making the decision that maybe while the invitation is nice, it's not a good time for her to go cause her children are still too young." ~ Brilliant-Sky838
"Wow, after you're literally willing to pay for her entire family's plane tickets to attend, she wants to have you pay for more stuff?"
"Talk about entitled!"
"Are there no relatives her kids can stay with?"
"Not that that's your problem! NTA." ~ JosieJOK
"Can I be your friend?"
"Seriously, who pays for others to attend their wedding?"
"Beyond generous."
"Friend can either have her kids at the wedding or pay for her own damn babysitter."
"You're paying the costs associated with having your loved ones at your wedding, not the cost to keep them away from it!"
"NTA Obviously." ~ Broken-Ice-Cube
"Just tell her she's no longer invited and you really don't care if she can't afford childcare or not because that's not your problem in any way. "
"You need to realize she's not a friend anymore, and it's ok to let her go. NTA." ~ mountain_mists
"NTA, but I'm confused about something."
"If you're willing to pay for their plane tickets, what's the difference if you use the money for plane tickets or child care?"
"I assume the cost probably won't be much different depending on who is providing the child care (I'm going to assume if it's a week its probably a family member)."
"If the tickets were lets just say, $150 a piece, instead of $450 for tickets, $450 for child care."
"What's the difference?" ~ GoreGoddezz
"NTA. Whoa!"
"That you are willing to pay for ANYTHING is a purely generous offer, regardless of how much money you have."
"It's shocking to me that someone, a supposed 'friend', isn't happy with that and instead wants to command you to pay for something else."
"She's really spoiled, that's my guess." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"NTA. You're paying for her flights, her husband's flights, and are even willing to pay for the kids as well! "
"And you're willing to cover a babysitter for the actual wedding."
"That's way more than some people can expect."
"But she's telling you you're a bad friend because you won't pay for an entire week's worth of babysitting for her?"
"No. No. And umm.. no." ~ Fioreborn
"NTA - I’m shocked you’re paying for multiple friends to come to your wedding."
"That is beyond generous in today’s world."
"Under no circumstances should you pay for their childcare for a week."
"Absolutely not." ~ DogDisguisedAsPeople
"NTA. She wants childcare for a WEEK?"
"Is her wedding gift an invoice?"
"I could get it if she said she couldn't come, but to say you're not a good friend?"
"And no, friends are NOT willing to give everything to each other."
"This isn't a Disney special; in real life, friends have boundaries." ~ sixtequilas
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your friend is out of line.
You and your husband-to-be are being extremely generous.
That much childcare is a step too much.
Let Alyssa figure it out.
Good luck and Congratulations!
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