While having children and growing a family is a goal for many people, there are plenty of people who choose to live child-free.
Whether other people agree with their decision to have children or not, they should be supportive, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Anonymous_634876 repeatedly had to have a conversation with her mother about not wanting to have children.
But eventually, when her mother wouldn't back down, the Original Poster (OP) felt the need to tell her mother the harsh truth.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my mom it will be the biggest regret of my life if I have children?"
The OP repeatedly had to talk to her mother about her dating life.
"I (31 Female) have had this ongoing conversation with my mom for years. She kept insisting that I have a child with or without a husband."
"A little back story, I've dated men in the past but nothing worked out. I told her if I will ever have a life partner or a husband, we should have a friendship as a foundation of our relationship."
"She said that was a high expectation and that I should just settle. If the marriage becomes too unbearable, I can always file for a divorce."
"I know she's internally freaking out that I'm single in my 30s and don't have plans of starting a family. But I'm not."
The OP's mother was incredibly insistent about having grandchildren.
"Since I don't have a boyfriend, she even said I could get a sperm donor to get pregnant."
"I was appalled at the suggestion. Even if I do have a boyfriend, I told her I don't want children. I've said this to her since I was around my mid-to-late twenties."
"She kept bringing it up, hoping that I change my mind. At some point, she was so frustrated that she even asked where did she go wrong in raising me."
"It was always a long conversation and we always end up fighting over this. It's emotionally exhausting."
"She told me if I don't get a child, I will grow old alone, and lonely."
"See, that's my great fear. An even greater fear is I give in to the pressure and have a child I don't want, neglected. I live a normal life with a normal salary like a normal person."
The OP finally told her the truth.
"Finally, I told her that as an introvert, I need lots of time alone."
"She asked why. It was infuriating and she could tell because I was raising my voice."
"My alone time is sacred. I either travel or even stay at home for a week or have minimal human interaction for however long I want to recharge my energy."
"If I have a full-time responsibility to another human being, I can't do that."
"I told her I do not have the emotional, physical, and financial capacity for the responsibility of providing for a child to live a full life."
"I also told her I do not plan to work on it because I know it would be the biggest regret of my life to have children."
The OP could see how disappointed her mother was.
"She immediately stopped talking and looked disappointed."
"I love my mom, but she makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for not wanting my own family."
"If other people want to be parents, good for them. I just want my family to accept it when I say I don't."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some addressed the OP's fears and urged her to enjoy her life.
"'She told me if I don't get a child, I will grow old alone and lonely.'"
"Nursing homes are stuffed full of older people whose children don't visit them. I know because when I would go visit my Nana, all of the old people would gather around me like I was a visiting celebrity. Having a child is no guarantee of anything."
"And NTA. I'm single, have no children, and I love my life." - SimplySam4210
"You just said the magic words. You love your life. You love YOUR life. It is not anyone else's life to live. As long as you're happy, then you do you." - LazySushi
"You're doing nothing wrong. In fact, you're doing everything right."
"Should someone who thinks that having a child would be a mistake have a child? What kind of life would that child have?"
"Is your mother capable of thinking of ANYONE but herself?"
"I'm biased though because I am also child-free but seriously, NTA."
"You're being a more mature, reasonable, and objectively successful adult by setting these expectations for yourself and fulfilling them than you ever would be by compromising your entire life for a third party with baby fever." - OkNefariousness8413
"I had a friend that did the 'get married despite not really wanting to because you can just get divorced, right?' thing. Guess how it ended!"
"Pressuring yourself into a life-changing decision because it's what you're 'supposed to do' is just marking it for failure, just as setting the bar low and not setting up expectations is a self-fulfilling prophecy for failure."
"It's not unrealistic to want to be friends with your partner? You should be friends with your partner. You should enjoy them and spend time with them, both as a romantic partner and as a person."
"Try to set a boundary about this. Tell her directly you no longer want to talk about this, and she needs to respect that or you'll end the conversation or leave."
"If she brings it up again, remind her that you told her you were no longer discussing these things with her, and leave."
"If that's too intimidating, try redirecting the conversation while refusing to engage in the discussion of children and marriage, or just give neutral one-word statements that show she won't get anywhere."
"It's like when a puppy jumps up on you. Ignore it, leave, or redirect depending on what the puppy best responds to, and stand your ground."
"Going back on it or engaging with the behavior, even negatively, just encourages it." - Proper_Garlic3171
Others agreed and said there was nothing wrong with the OP for not wanting kids.
"Not wanting children is no crime. OP is not in the wrong."
"I have 3 kids, and I can't stand those Instagram mothers that put down people who don't have kids with their 'but as a woman....' sentiments and 'You will feel so fulfilled when you have a house of tiny feet running around. Your whole life leads to this' and then post picture-perfect pictures of their kid in the kitchen with flour on the hand #baking #perfect mommy life."
"They just forget to show the two bags of flour on the floor, the kid screaming because they couldn't lick the dough spoon... They forget to show their dark circles because of lack of sleep."
"The mess kids can make. The frustration of washing crayons off your wall. The worry when they are sick and throw up. Or how you go to the bathroom to count to ten and cool down when they do something wild and test your god-given patience."
"Having kids is just not for everyone."
"And honestly, I have so much respect for both men and women saying, 'I don't want kids,' they don't even need to explain why. If they don't feel like it. Then don't."
"Go enjoy your life. It's one less kid born into being screwed up because someone was pressured into having a kid they can't raise and something goes wrong." - Dangerous-WinterElf
"I have two children (19 and 21) whom I adore, but raising them was hard. H**l, they're basically adults now, and it's still hard, because I worry about them, their health, their safety, and just their happiness."
"It's been 100% worth it for me because I really wanted kids, but I can't imagine going through the stress, the sleepless nights, and the hard work if I hadn't very much wanted kids in my life."
"Not wanting kids is perfectly valid, and no one should feel obligated to have them if they don't want to."
"Hold your ground! Do NOT let anyone pressure you into parenthood!" - The-Aforementioned-W
"You are doing nothing wrong. I'm lucky that my mother mentioned me having children just once, I told her to stop talking nonsense, and that was it. Made me glad my family sucks at communicating."
"But I was dating a guy who thought we were going to have kids despite me saying out loud I don't want them for all of five years we knew each other. His mother would also constantly be asking when we're gonna have kids despite me telling her we won't every darn time."
"So I broke up with him, and moved to my own apartment. I'm now single, and I have a dog, a cat, and two f**k buddies (who also don't want kids, or a relationship, which is absolutely amazing)."
"So yeah, having kids is for each person to decide for themselves. You are definitely NTA."
"Maybe start training your mother. Every time she starts with this topic, you stop talking to her. Just stop. Hang up, or walk away, or grab a book and pretend she's not there."
"If she doesn't respect your decision, then you don't need to respect her. A bit harsh, but that's what I'd do."
"Enjoy your single, quiet, peaceful life." - Flon_with-a-boxer
"NTA, but please stop being an AH to yourself and even engaging in this argument."
"If she brings it up, say something like, 'You know my feelings, they haven't changed, I'm not saying anything else,' and stick to it."
"Your choice is valid and does not need explanation." - Screamscaper
Though the OP felt conflicted about herself because of her mother's insistence, the subReddit urged her to do what was best for herself and make the decisions that would make her happy.
Even if her mother wanted grandchildren, that didn't mean the OP had to irreversibly change her life.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.