Many people have shady family members who are always looking for a good scam.
And more often than not, they try to bring everyone down with them.
So relatives have to stay on guard.
It's sad and difficult to process staying away from them.
But sometimes it's a necessity.
Redditor paintedlumiere wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITAH For Not Helping My Sister Claim Her Casino Winnings?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My sister and B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] like to go to the casino."
"They also like to drag anyone they can into their messes, so I don't mess with them."
"She won a large amount of money at the slots, and for some reason that I don't want to know, she told them she was me. "
"The Casino's payout policy for the amount she won is that it is to occur during business hours."
"She knows I won't go anywhere with her, so she couldn't lure me to the casino."
"She came clean and said she'd give me a few thousand for helping."
"She always thinks enough money will motivate anyone."
"I told her no and hung up the phone."
"I don't want to be a part of any of that."
"Now she's got the rest of the family up my butt because, money."
"Both of our brothers yelled at me for 'not getting over myself enough to help her out this one time.'"
"I'm thinking she offered them some money, too."
"But whatever."
"Her messed-up name is not my problem."
"She's been hatching plans all her life, and I got dragged into them by default."
"Our father favored her because 'she's the baby,' and made me responsible for her because 'that's your sister. Her trouble is your trouble.'"
"I walked away when I became an adult."
"Even if I did get along with her, I don't go to casinos, and the thought of shenanigans with them, no ma'am Pam."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Does my being a goody two-shoes make me a AH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"She's trying to stiff you with the taxes on lottery winnings. NTA." ~ Federal-Ferret-970
"It also could maybe mess up her metrics if she (sister) receives any government assistance."
"Personally, F casinos, but there are definitely laws OP doesn't want to get caught up with."
"Fraud possible with plaintiff casino, plaintiff IRS, and plaintiff Economic Security. NTA." ~ Hungry_Doctor_5803
"NTA. I'd be reporting the attempted fraud to the casino."
"Your name is currently on their books." ~ Humble_Pen_7216
"NTA, I'm wondering if she is trying to avoid paying taxes on her winnings and is thinking of sticking you with the tax bill instead." ~ GenxBaby2
"You need to call the casino and tell them someone used your name, and it wasn't you."
"Casinos have a ton of surveillance and should be able to pull up the person and see it wasn't you."
"Up to you if you want to tell them who it was, but I don't think you have a choice."
"But since your name is on these winnings, YOU are in this, like it or not."
"And there's no telling what sis will do next, to get the money."
"Extricate yourself now." ~ JunkMail0604
"NTA, she'll give you a few thousand... and then your tax bill is $20,000, or something like that, because she's totally trying to dodge paying taxes on it."
"Not your fault, she lied to them."
"I would think she'd have had to provide ID at the time of winning, so she's probably not even telling you the truth." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA. The Casino would definitely check things and find out you were not in the video winning unless you are identical twins."
"They review all big payouts."
"You don't want to be caught in a fraud charge."
"This is a huge legal mess."
"Stay away."
"Now that she lied, she can't get any money."
"She should have claimed the money and just used it to pay back whoever she legally owes money to."
"She isn't claiming because she either owes money (fines) or is getting State or Federal benefits, both of which are also fraud." ~ Middle-Cupcake-7308
"100% this!!"
"As a casino employee who deals with jackpot payouts daily, absolutely do not try to claim it!!"
"They will know, and fraud charges will be pressed."
"If you try to claim it, you would be charged as well as her!" ~ momofboys2013
"So she stole your identity, presumably because she has been banned from the casino, and now she wants you to claim it?"
"Hell naw.'
"You will also get stuck with the taxes. NTA." ~ PartyCat78
"Either she's putting you on the hook for taxes, or something like what happened to an acquaintance of my youth."
"He won a bad beat jackpot playing poker for $50k+."
"All of a sudden, he left town, and no one saw him again."
"See, what happened was every single person he'd borrowed money from wanted to be paid back until he was found out, since the casino publicly posted it."
"And when this deadbeat started paying money back, and then ran out, and still owed money to some people, he had some broken bones, and left the state."
"And that didn't stop some of these people, and some went after him legally since he had cash and they wanted to be paid back too."
"NTA either way, and watch yourself."
"Some of those types of people will come looking for you if that's the case." ~ JBThunder
"NTA. Sister is trying to avoid taxes."
"Stay clear of her."
"Call your tax person and explain what she did."
"Make sure you will not be tangled in her mess." ~ ImaginationTop5390
"NTA. I'm pretty sure that's fraud of some sort."
"Don't go anywhere near someone else's fraud."
"If you did claim the winnings and had no problems getting the money, you would be taxed on the winnings."
"Your sister may be trying to steal from you by getting you to claim the money, her taking all the money, and you getting taxed on the money." ~ teresajs
"NTA, the casino has her on video winning and will know that you didn't win the prize."
"They may very well charge you with a crime if you try to collect the money."
"And this is not speculation; a friend of mine had his name used as the prize winner just exactly like your sister used yours, and when he attempted to collect the money, he ended up getting charged with a crime and getting banned from the casino."
"The charge was bulls**t; what he did isn't considered a crime in my state, but it is in some states because it can be a way of avoiding taxes and in some states, child support."
"But he still ended up having to do community service because he didn't want the expense of going to trial (and didn't have a lawyer)." ~ dusty_relic
"Your sister is up to no good."
"Call the casino, ask for the manager, and explain what is going on."
"Tell your sister that's the consequence of using your name."
"In the meantime, lock down your credit and take all safety precautions to prevent her from using your identity again." ~ smileycat007
"NTA. I can't see any responsible reason for her to be claiming gambling winnings under any name that isn't her own."
"What she is up to, I don't know for certain - avoiding taxes, trying to get around a ban at the casino, or something else that is almost certainly breaking some law or other."
"Personally, I would want absolutely nothing to do with whatever nonsense she is up to - something I can only expect will backfire on you as she runs off into the sunset clutching her winnings."
"Not only that, but I would perhaps be wary with regards to what she has potentially used your name for before, too - a credit check may be worth doing..." ~ Nrysis
"NTA. There is no non-scam reason she would have lied about being you."
"Don't get involved."
"Though if she doesn't drop it, you may have to get the cops involved for identity theft." ~ I_might_be_weasel
"Your sister is trying to get around taxes, probably."
"Even if it isn't about taxes, this is obviously shady, possibly illegal."
"NTA - stay far away from that mess." ~ Jealous-Contract7426
OP came back with an update.
"The responses that said her giving them my name involves me in this got to me."
"I called the police."
"The detective I spoke to said no fraud has been committed yet because the money has not been claimed, and it's not a crime to give a false name to a casino."
"But she also said not to relax, because nothing is stopping my sister from getting a fake ID made and claiming the money, especially since I refused to help."
"She also mentioned the fraudulent tax liability, in case the casino didn't spot the fake ID."
"She said it was better to reach out to the Casino now."
"So I did."
"I explained the situation and made it clear that my name was given fraudulently."
"Turns out she was banned from the casino over a separate incident."
"When she hit the jackpot, they were prepared to payout then, once they verified her ID."
"She told them she didn't bring it with her and ID'd herself as me."
"The manager told me that the case was flagged anyway."
"They're automatically suspicious of winners who claim they forgot their ID."
"I'm not sure if she's ever made a flat-out fake ID of me before."
"But when my probationary driver's license expired, she did use it to get into clubs while I was away at college. "
"We looked a lot more alike back then."
"Just forever scheming."
"I'm glad I didn't chance it."
"Thank you to everyone who responded."
Glad this worked out for you, OP.
Your sister sounds like a real piece of work.
And your family doesn't sound like much help.
Sorry that you have to worry about this.
Good luck in the future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp