We all work hard to celebrate the significant events in our lives.
We may not all celebrate in the same way, but we honor those weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries in the way that makes the most sense to us.
What happens, though, when someone wants to use our celebration for their own special event?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) likesinceforever when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA if I don’t want the cousin of my SO to come out of the closet on my ‘wedding celebration”
OP began with some good news.
“Me (29 Female) and my SO (34 Male) are celebrating a civil union in the upcoming weeks.”
“Since it is just signing some papers we are not having a wedding-style celebration, but a sort of get-together of both our families.”
The event quickly became bigger than intended.
“We wanted to keep it small (just parents and siblings) but in the end, we’ve invited uncles, aunts, and cousins (around 30 people in total).”
“It has become a huge investment of my energy and our resources.”
“I didn’t want my SO to tell his cousins to come with a +1, but when he invited them he told them it was with a +1.”
“He did tell me before speaking with his cousins and I told him I didn’t want to, and then he told his mother and I felt forced to cave to be nice (all this happened at the same time, we were at his parent’s house).”
Everything was manageable, until…
“Here’s the problem: one of his cousins is gay.”
“Only his mother, sister, and us know it, and he is bringing his boyfriend to the celebration.”
“That makes me uncomfortable since I think he should introduce him to the extended family before that day to avoid some possible drama.”
“We kind of got in a fight yesterday and we’ve decided to put it on the internet.”
“Under any circumstances are we asking him to not bring his partner or introduce him beforehand, but it’s how I feel and I wanted to express that to my boyfriend, who then got angry.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA for not wanting the cousin to come out at the celebration?”
OP’s partner also got to explain his side.
“The SO version:”
“To put a bit of context, our initial idea was to just have our parents, siblings, and grandparents.”
“Since one of her aunts lends us the house for the celebration, she had to be invited as well, and that made us invite all of her aunts on her father’s side.”
“I told her evidently we had to invite her other aunt on the mother’s side, and my aunts, which she agreed to, and since her only cousin is a little girl (10), she said that the cousins couldn’t bring their partners.”
“Now I have 4 cousins, all adults, so I did invite them with a plus one if they wanted, knowing that none of them would come accompanied or at maximum one, which is what happened.”
“3 of them can’t come and the one the remaining one, object of this AITA, is coming with his boyfriend.”
“The only problem my girlfriend has with this is because the partner is a boy, even so as to her admitting that if it was a girl there would be no problem.”
“She says she is worried about the drama, but my family has no history of this kind of drama (the sister of the cousin in question is a lesbian and has been out for years, without any drama ensuing).”
He ended with his line of reasoning.
“I just want to normalize the situation and not make a big deal out of it.”
Having explained the situation, OP and her partner came to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Some were on OP’s side.
“Wife is NTA, especially after a comment that the cousin didn’t want anyone to know he was bringing a boyfriend until he showed up.”
“That just shows he intends to come to shock the people at the party.”
“All it’s going to do is put the attention on him. The attention should be on the newly married couple.”
“Husband is the A-H for allowing this to happen.” ~ Public-Ad-9827
“Husband is a huge AH. OP is not.”
“He says ‘Now I have 4 cousins, all adults, so I did invite them with a plus one if they wanted, knowing that none of them would come accompanied or at maximum one.”’
“He is downplaying it in the last sentence but if it was a maximum one person… why not just say no plus ones??”
“Why not prioritize your wife’s comfort??”
“He’s just like half the men in this sub, I hope he soon learns how to say no to family without being such a pushover. I couldn’t marry into that sort of dynamic.” ~ dinosauragency
Commenters encouraged open communication.
“OP is NTA.”
“Time to polish your spine and tell your cousin that either he tells everyone ahead of time that he’s gay or he doesn’t get a plus one, and that you will not allow him to hijack your wedding for his selfish benefit.” ~ activelurker777
Others pointed out that this was about more than just a plus 1.
“That makes it an announcement.”
“And you do not make announcements at other people’s celebrations.”
“Your future husband saying that it won’t cause drama because there’s already someone that’s gay in the family doesn’t matter.”
“Even when the news is welcomed such as a birth announcement or an engagement you do not make the announcement at another person’s celebration.”
“It takes away the focus from the people that you’re supposed to be celebrating.” ~ PettyWhite81
“And that’s exactly why the wife is NTA.”
“I was inclined to think the other way until this statement.”
“The cousin seems to want the shock value of bringing his boyfriend.”
“Just because he’s open to his immediate family doesn’t mean he’s open to the whole family. He’s using this as his coming out party.” ~ Public-Ad-9827
“So he totally wants the spotlight. Gotcha!”
“Why can’t you just celebrate at a restaurant with your initial intended guests?”
“This goes in the same social rule of not making any special announcements (such as pregnancy, engagement, this includes coming out as it is a special moment) to another celebration (like weddings, baby/bridal showers, coming out party, birthday party, etc). ~ silly_vengeful_sloth
“As a lesbian, this means he is most definitely trying to use your celebration as a coming out for himself & wants the drama/reaction.”
“If he wasn’t trying to put the focus on him he wouldn’t have a problem with letting the rest of the family know ahead of time.”
“Just the fact that it’s ok to let ppl know he’s bringing someone but that you aren’t allowed to specify that someone is the same sex proves he’s going for the reaction & drama.”
“On a day that isn’t about him or his relationship”
“Wanting to put it out there ahead of time is not homophobic in the slightest, you just don’t want the focus of what is essentially your wedding to be on him.”
“The cousin is the A**hole, is doing it intentionally for the drama and your partner would be the a**hole if they let cousin go through with it.”
“Your day isn’t about them.”
“He’s a GUEST, NOT the center of attention & needs to stay in his place.”
“If he wants to bring his SO he needs to tell ppl ahead of time so your day is JUST about you & not his sexuality” ~ AlwaysGypsy
There were some commenters who thought the whole thing got out of hand.
“I think they should uninvite a lot of others as well.”
“They started with just immediate family, but since they also need to include the bride’s aunt whose home it is, it snowballed to include all of the groom’s extended family, including +1s for cousins.”
“And the bride is stuck making arrangements for a much bigger gathering because the groom got invitation-happy and is guilt-tripping her about it.”
“Scrap it and start again.”
“Or the groom needs to take over all the organization since somehow he can’t see how having the bride’s 10yo cousin there doesn’t have to lead to him inviting all of his cousins plus their partners.”
“As for the cousin’s bf, you’re right that it’s about the life-altering information, not whether there’s ‘drama’. The family could be totally accepting, but there’s still going to be focus pulled even if reactions are positive.” ~ calling_water
“Maybe they should scrap it and forget the aunt’s house and just do it at the courthouse.”
“Invite parents and siblings only.”
“Then have dinner in a really, really nice restaurant and forget all the drama.”
“Courthouses can be nice. When my son got married, the courthouse chapel had flowers and comfortable chairs.” ~ 4MuddyPaws
“Yeah, I feel for the bride.”
“It sounds as though she’s overwhelmed and being steamrolled into accommodating everything to make everyone else happy.”
“It’s a shame her groom isn’t thinking about what would make her happy.”
“The wedding is about the two of them sharing love and happiness, not making their families happy.” ~ Khaotic_Rainbow
Boundaries aren’t just about names and genders and physical contact.
Boundaries can be about the way we spend our time or the size of a celebration we throw.