Anyone who has ever traveled by plane can attest to how frustrating it can be to make flight arrangements in the first place, let alone to change and renegotiate them.
But as frustrating as changing flight plans might be, it's not the best look to abandon one of your loved ones when they're taking too long in the public restroom to board the flight on time, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor only_child_by_choice was waiting to board a plane when their stepsister needed to use the restroom and could not wait, even though it might mean missing their flight.
She was later furious when the Original Poster (OP) didn't wait for her to get on the plane and had to make her own solo travel plans to get home.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for leaving my stepsister at the airport because she was constipated?"
The OP and their stepsister were traveling together for a wedding.
"We are both in our mid-20s. Ella, my stepsister, and I were in Texas recently for a wedding."
"We had a layover that was about four hours, and then we were flying into California and then heading up to Washington."
The pair disagreed about their plans for boarding the plane.
"Ella said she had to use the bathroom."
"I said, 'Don't do it. We are boarding in 20 minutes, and you can use the plane toilet.'"
"She said she had to go, she felt sick, and she was not going to wait."
"Ella asked if I would watch her backpack, and I said, 'No, because I'm getting on that plane if you are not back.' I had my carry-on suitcase and my own personal item."
"She took her backpack, was upset the whole time, and then as I'm getting onto the plane and sitting in my seat and trying to save her one… She texts me, telling me that she is having horrible constipation and that she needs me to get off the plane and wait for her."
The OP kept their word.
"I told her no. I said that she should let them know, and I can give her money for another plane ticket if she needs it. I said I would see her in Washington if she could not get a plane right away."
"She tried to call me three or four times. I answered and told her I'm not getting off the plane. I told her not to go into the bathroom, and if she hurries, she can hold it and then use the bathroom on the plane."
"She missed the flight, had to get another ticket, and met me back in Washington, where I picked her up from the airport and took us home."
"AITAH for not waiting for her?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some didn't understand why the stepsister couldn't wait until the flight.
"That's way too much money to waste just because you are unwilling to travel alone."
"Also, I can totally see missing the plane because of diarrhea, because you literally can't hold it in, but with constipation, even if it hurts, she certainly could have gotten on the airplane and dealt with it there?"
"NTA." - First-Stress-9893
"The deal with constipation is nothing's moving. Uncomfortable as h**l, but it's not like waiting 20 minutes to use the plane's toilet was going to make much difference."
"Or, if it was ready to fire, it shouldn't take 20 minutes to push it out." - Senator_bink
"Constipation is NOT an emergency, as it is merely uncomfortable, but nothing is going to unexpectedly come out."
"I would have absolutely left with an absolutely clear conscience and no need to crowdsource whether I acted appropriately." - Jujulabee
"She was in the airport or on the airplane, either way."
"Seems like it would have made more sense for her to get on the plane and keep moving towards her destination. Instead of waiting around the airport for something to happen and having to replace your plane ticket." - Jodenaje
"I have horrible bowel issues, but in no way would I expect someone to miss a plane for me!! Like what!!?? Maybe if this were my partner or spouse, but stepsister!? No way!"
"And I plan around my bowels-seriously! If I am flying, I take meds the night before and I make sure I don't eat or drink anything that may cause an issue. It doesn't always work, but it helps."
"NTA, and it's insane that people are saying the opposite." - Mollyblum69
"There is no indication that her constipation is a medical emergency. Also, they are stepsisters, not husband and wife or parent/child."
"OP made it clear she thought going to the bathroom then was a bad idea, and she wasn't willing to miss the plane."
"Her step-sister made the choice to go to the bathroom anyway. Also, her stepsister didn't need OP to hold her hand in the bathroom."
"What exactly could OP do to help with constipation? Squeeze?" - stilletto929
But others empathized with the OP's stepsister and her possible health concerns.
"I think some people haven't dealt with real bad constipation. It's not just uncomfortable; it can be very painful. You feel very sick, you can get fever-like symptoms. In some cases, you can actually end up in hospital where they have to manually extract it."
"The last thing you would want is to go on a plane toilet with little room to move, with people waiting to use the loo and with altitude and air pressure making it worse, oh, and vomiting."
"She was unwell, and OP chose to just leave her. I get the money issue, but empathy is important. Caring for your loved ones is important." - Rorosi67
"I wouldn't want to be on a plane when I'll with constipation. The air pressure will make it worse, the toilets are tiny, and if stay longer than usual, you are going to get the hostess coming to see what's going on. Then you may well vomit, and that on a plane is horrible not only for you but for the other too."
"It's bad enough being in bad pain when you have space, but it makes it even worse when you have no space to move. And if you had ended up needing to go to the hospital, that could have caused the plane to have to divert and land somewhere else."
"And yes, I have known several people who have ended up in hospital with severe constipation." - BareKnuckledKitten
"This happened to me where I vomited, the pain was so bad. You get really hot and sweaty and feel completely sick and throw up and then finally s**t."
"I can't imagine feeling that way on a plane, and if that happened to me I would be really upset if my companion left without me. If it was happening to someone else, I would definitely stay with them too." - blondebia
"I have IBS with chronic constipation and a spastic colon. People don't realize how incredibly painful it is, especially if your bowels are compacted. I have actually almost thrown up because I was so backed up."
"Not sure if your stepsister has a medical condition or not, but if this is normal for her, she should get a diagnosis."
"But even without a diagnosis, sometimes life just hits you wrong, and it hurts out of nowhere. She wasn't just constipated, OP said she felt sick."
"Would I ask someone to stay with me and miss their flight? No, but I have been in situations where I get hit hard with bowel issues, and it's not easy. " - unexpectedlytired
"It doesn't have to be chronic for it to be that bad. This happened to me while I was out. It was sudden and unbearable and had never happened before or again after. Assuming it was that bad, I wouldn't have gotten on the plane, either."
"That being said, you're NTA. You paid for the new ticket and picked her up. She was already in the airport, so there was pretty much no 'traveling alone' anxieties to worry about." - ApprehensiveBat21
"NTA. She said she was not going to wait and went to the bathroom. You said you weren't going to wait and got on the plane."
"She wasn't at risk of pooping herself, just being very uncomfortable. If you stayed behind, it'd be even more money wasted on rebooking."
"All around a no-win situation for both, but you at least picked her up from the airport." - jewel_flip
The subReddit understood how frustrating it was to organize travel plans, especially with another person, but they were divided over what the OP had done.
On the one hand, it made little sense for the pair to waste the cost of two plane tickets, since the stepsister already had to buy a replacement for hers.
But on the other hand, they were family, and the stepsister had an immediate medical concern that may have been better addressed in the airport rather than on the airplane, and perhaps being there for her would have meant more than the cost of another plane ticket.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp