in , ,

Couple Cancels Trips Home To ‘Punish’ Dad For Not Giving Them Full Down Payment On House

Couple standing in front of their new home. They are both wearing casual clothes and embracing. Rear view from behind them. The house is contemporary with a brick facade, driveway, balcony and a green lawn. The front door is also visible.

So many people, especially couples building a life together, are needing to make grand sacrifices.

And those sacrifices are leading to some deep life dramas.

Redditor Leading_Rock_418 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

They asked:

“AITA for ‘punishing’ my family by no longer doing birthdays, holidays, vacations because my Dad screwed me and my wife over?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“When my wife and I were talking about getting married, my Dad said that he would give us a down payment for a home.”

“We were thrilled and kept that in mind.”

“We would be able to afford a good starter home with his help, and we scrimped and saved to add to it.”

“Except apparently, HE meant ‘a sum of money good for a down payment for a house near us’ where the cost of living is low.”

“He did not ever mean a down payment for a home in Colorado, where my wife and I have lived since we were in college.”

“He said he thought I would be ‘smart enough’ to realize that we’d need to move somewhere with a lower cost of living than Colorado.”

“He keeps saying ‘Move to a cheaper city.'”

“Our lives are here.”

“Our friends, our jobs, our hobbies.”

“You can’t exactly leave your house and be up on top of a 14,000ft peak in 6 hours where my family is.”

“I told him that we had never talked about moving back there, and we never would.”

“That we would rather be stuck renting for a while longer than be stuck somewhere we didn’t want to be, and the ‘move to a cheaper city’ wouldn’t work for us.”

“He said ‘so be it’ and gave us the amount and that was that.”

“I expressed gratitude and thanked him for the money.”

“It is still towards the goal.”

“Well because of this shift in our finances, we have had to make a lot of changes to save up the rest of the money.”

“We have had to cut out vacations, birthday gifts, holidays, etc.”

“We won’t be traveling home for a few years.”

“At our current rate, we should have an ok down payment by the end of next year (2025).”

“My Dad confronted us about this because we won’t come for a summer break trip and told me that I was being a selfish, entitled brat because I hadn’t gotten my way.”

“That I was essentially punishing the rest of the family because we ‘assumed’ what his gift would be.”

“I told him that I was grateful for the amount he gave us, but that it means we do need to buckle down and save every penny if we want to be able to afford a house anytime soon.”

“Even townhouses around us are easily over 400k, and that’s for the sketchy ones.”

“Edit to add FAQ…”

“There was no amount formally discussed.”

“He said ‘a down payment’ and that was that.

“For my siblings, he paid for college.”

“He paid cash in full for my sister’s house, it was $317,000.”

“He did not pay for my college.”

“They are invited to come here anytime but they believe it should be me to go there because I am the one who moved.”

“And no, we do not go out to eat, avocado toast, Starbucks, cable, etc etc.”

The OP was left to wonder:

“But is my Dad right? AITA?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.


“Did he give you the amount he said he would?”

“Because if he did I fail to see how he screwed you over.” ~ mercy_fulfate

“The problem is the dad said, ‘a down payment on a house.'”

“That is essentially meaningless and subject to interpretation.”

“Is that 10% or 20%?”

“Also, where is the house?”

“My kids bought houses the same year, one on the West Coast and the other in the Midwest.”

“The kid in the Midwest bought twice the house for half the price.”

“The father said a down payment and the OP looked at the houses he liked and imagined a number.”

“The father looked at houses the father liked and came up with a much lower number.”

“They didn’t communicate so they’re both pissed.”

“Use your words, people.” ~ agogKiwi

“I don’t know I read it like the dad wanted to control where his son ‘picked’ to live.”

“OP was basing the amount off of what was spent on other siblings.”

“OP’s hurt because he didn’t get the house (yet) and also got a lot less compared to his siblings.”

“Valid reasons. Not at all surprised a father like that bought the daughter a house outright.”

“Sure it’s his money but his favoritism is showing and that can hurt.” ~ Asron87

“I believe the dad is the kind that ‘it’s my way or the highway.'”

“OP’s siblings were probably willing to go to colleges, and buy houses to the dad’s liking, hence he’s willing to pay for them.”

“Seems like OP chose to settle somewhere that the dad doesn’t approve so the dad isn’t willing to pay for him.”

“My dad is similar in some ways so I find that believable.” ~ tm0587

“Rich people problem.”

“Rich people end up raising entitled children.”

“Money is power.”

“People with money always attach demands to the money they “gift.'”

“It never comes without expectations.”

“Sister probably does everything Dad demands vs OP doesn’t.”

“Therefore OP’s dad chooses not to give his money to him.”

“OP is not entitled to his dad’s money.” ~ WomanNotAGirl

“Does that make it less of an issue because the father has money?”

“OP has been slighted by his father repeatedly.”

“His sister got a very nice house paid for outright, his siblings had their college covered and OP got a promise of a partial down payment with many strings attached.”

“Not exactly equitable between the children.”

“If the father treated all of them the same and OP expected a house down payment, then he would be entitled.” ~ Turpitudia79

“I feel like this was probably an I’ll pay in full if you go to schools nearby or if you buy a house nearby.”

“And I bet OP had to pay his way for college because he went out of state.”

“Especially given the dad doesn’t seem to want to travel to CO to visit OP.”

“If my daughter moved to Colorado I’d be thrilled to go visit her. So odd.” ~ EitherBarnacle6143

“What, ‘down payment’ doesn’t automatically mean 30% on a $1M loan to you?”

“Just kidding the only way dad screwed him over is if he refused to give up any money because it was contingent upon the OP moving home which seems to not be the case.”

“OP seems to have missed the perspective that as a person who has lived both in his old home state and in Colorado he’s aware of home costs in both markets and that his dad likely IS NOT.”

“So Dad’s offer had no malice whatsoever – he had an amount suitable for a down payment in the market he was familiar with the most.”

“To make it clear for some this bit is my wisdom completely outside of my judgment.”

“In any case, the down payment assistance I got was $0, which was the same assistance I received for my education, first car, etc.”

“So I’d have just said ‘thank you’ like a normal human being that appreciated the gesture whether I got $10, $100, $1,000, etc.”

“YTA to me OP.” ~ Amazing_Cabinet1404

“OP says in one sentence he said he expressed gratitude for the amount received, in another he said dad ‘screwed him over.'”

“I normally like to take a post at face value, but OP oozes resentment here.”

“I find it hard to believe that hasn’t come across (and then some) in his (poor) communications with Dad. Ungrateful.”

“In what world does it make sense to plan something as significant as buying a house without clarifying how much help, numerically, that dad has offered?” ~ Various_Froyo9860

“Reading the comment where OP says Dad paid over 300K cash for his sister’s house makes the resentment make more sense.”

“OP still isn’t entitled to any of Dad’s money, but favoritism among siblings usually leads to resentment.” ~ Ijustreadalot

“It is definitely YTA just because OP falsely claimed that he was screwed over, but the dad actually gave him all the money even though they disagreed.”

“The issue of visitation is a separate one.” ~ Imaginary_Fox3796

“Your dad ‘screwed’ you and your wife… by giving you money?”

“But less than you had hoped for?”

“If you can’t afford to travel, that’s one thing, but trying to portray this as your family screwing you over somehow… yikes.”

“That’s a definite YTA from me.” ~ Molenium

“My mom gave me $5,000 for my first house.”

“Was it anywhere near what I needed for a down payment? Nope.”

“But it did help with the renovation budget, and I am eternally grateful.”

“OP saying he was screwed over is awful. YTA.” ~ iamcoronabored

“YTA for framing it as your dad screwing you over.”

“He offered you a down payment for a home.”

“You assumed it would be a certain amount. It wasn’t.”

“But he still gave you a generous gift.”

“And now you describe that generous gift as screwing you over.”

“Also, while you’re under no obligation to go on family trips, to cut out any visits to them for a few years after your dad gave you this generous gift because it wasn’t as much as you were expecting sends a message, whether you mean it to or not.” ~ embopbopbopdoowop

“100% this.”

“Since OP won’t give numbers, let’s assume $25,000 since it would only be 5ish% for the home he is looking at.”

“Let’s assume two airline tickets are $600.”

“Yes, YTA. Just pretend the gift was $24,400 and visit your family.”

“This is the definition of ungrateful.”

“OP says he’s grateful with his words, but not with his actions.”

“Also, how does OP not clarify what amount the gift might be ahead of time?”

“My parents once offered to cover a family vacation.”

“Before the end of the evening, I had run some rough costs and confirmed with my parents that I arrived at $4K and if they were sure they were comfortable covering that.” ~ Bitter_Position_7040

“I would love it if my family screwed me over by giving me money.”

“Total YTA.” ~ butterscotch-magic

Well, OP, Reddit seems to have some issues with your decisions.

It’s your life to do what you wish.

You and your wife have some difficult choices to make.

Hopefully, you and your family can have a chat and find a resolution when everyone is calmer.

Good luck.