Who inherits what is best decided by the person that owns it, not the potential heirs that want it.
But that doesn’t mean squabbles won’t ensue adfter the original owner’s death.
A young woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over the heirloom jewelry she inherited.
Hot_Explorer_3684 asked:
“AITA for refusing to give my late aunt’s heirloom necklace to her daughter?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My aunt passed away a few years ago, and before she died, she gave me (27, female) a beautiful antique necklace that had been in our family for generations.
“She told me she wanted me to have it because we were extremely close. She knew I’d treasure it, and I have ever since.”
“Now her daughter, Lily (29, female) is getting married, and last week she asked if she could borrow the necklace as her ‘something old’. I said yes at first, because I thought it was just for the wedding day.”
“But then she casually mentioned that she actually wanted to keep it permanently.”
“I was confused and asked what she meant, and she said it should have been hers all along since it belonged to her mother. She said it was unfair that I had it instead of her and that she deserved it more because she is her daughter.”
“I told her, ‘I thought you just wanted to borrow it. Aunt gave this to me because she wanted me to have it. I’m not giving it away’.”
“She got upset and said my aunt was probably just being polite when she gave it to me, and that if she were still here, she would’ve ‘obviously’ wanted her own daughter to have it instead. She told me I was being selfish and should do the right thing.”
“Now my mom and a few relatives are saying I should just give it to her because it was her mom’s and it would mean a lot to her on her wedding day.”
“But to me, this isn’t just some family heirloom. It was a gift meant for me. It feels like betraying my aunt.”
“I understand why she wants it, but my aunt had her reasons for giving it to me. I don’t think I should be guilted into handing it over just because Lily suddenly decided she wants it now.”
“I’m not holding onto this out of spite. My aunt gave it to me because she wanted me to have it.”
“I’m open to letting Lily borrow it, but handing it over permanently? I can’t do that. I’m just honoring my aunt’s decision. And they have to respect it.”
“It’s hard when family puts pressure on you, but my aunt made her choice, and I feel like I need to honor that. I’m not trying to be cruel, but I also can’t just pretend it was meant for her.”
“My aunt and I were very close since I was a kid. I don’t think there’s any other reason she gave it to me instead of her daughter, but I don’t know. All I know is my aunt said she wanted me to have it.”
“I told her that I won’t give it to her. Not even for the wedding.”
“Because you never know what new idea she can come up with next, and the next thing you know, I’m the bad guy for wanting it back.”
“It’s not about being petty. It’s about protecting what my aunt gave me. I know Lily’s upset, but her trying to take it permanently is crossing a line.”
“If I just hand it over now, it could be framed as me giving it to her. That would be a mess when I wanted it back. I’m just trying to avoid making things more complicated.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to give my cousin my aunt’s heirloom necklace for her wedding. I might be the a**hole because she feels entitled to it as her daughter.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You can’t lend something to someone who has already decided that it belongs to them. A similar thing has been posted before and the answer was a safe deposit box.”
“Then it doesn’t matter if relatives think she should have it, they have to trick the bank to get it. An actual safe in your home that only you know the combination to might be the better option since safe deposit boxes are apparently going out of style.”
“Expensive, but the biggest worry is that you forget or it breaks, and nobody can get at it unless you pay to have the lock drilled.”
“The simplest is probably politely telling her you don’t feel comfortable loaning it to her anymore. But I know that’s a hard thing to say to family though.”
“As for other family members, tell them it’s your necklace, and the issue is between you and your cousin and not up for discussion.”
“A helpful tip I’ve come across is don’t JADE: don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. Just simply set the boundary that it’s not topic to involve others in, and then don’t engage with it if they try to.” ~ mlc885
“‘No’ is a complete sentence, OP. Use it. Repeat it.”
“Any time they start in, just keep saying ‘no’. Nothing more. Just ‘NO’. Repeat it until they lose steam.”
“And make sure that necklace is nowhere that anyone, but you can access, because it WILL ‘disappear’ the second any of them get into your home, and then reappear on your cousin’s neck on her wedding day.” ~ NonConformistFlmingo
“There have been a lot of horror stories with wedding dresses or heirlooms where people go crazy and break in or use an emergency key and steal things.
“Or harass family and friends enough that the poster’s husband or someone else that shouldn’t be involved gets access and gives it to the person just to stop the drama.”
“So people here tend to suggest being over cautious when it’s irreplaceable.” ~ notthedefaultname
“NTA, because, ‘Now my mom and a few relatives are saying I should just give it to her because it was her mom’s and it would mean a lot to her on her wedding day. But to me, this isn’t just some family heirloom. It was a gift meant for me’.”
“You’re right, it may mean a lot to her, but only if it was given to her. There was a reason that your aunt gave it to you instead of her daughter—maybe because of her behavior as seen from her current behavior—and she can’t act like she was supposed to receive it.”
“I hope you make the right choice and obey your aunt’s wishes. I’m sorry for your loss.” ~ Comfortable_Reach132
“I feel like giving it to your cousin would be like saying, ‘Aunt didn’t have a clue what she was doing’. Like she was giving her valuable possessions to whoever happened to be present at the time. I think you know that that wasn’t the case.”
“Also, if it really mattered to the daughter, unless she’s just discovered the necklace missing and found out that you have it, has she not cared until this moment?”
“More likely, this is an item that she has realised will ‘look good’ at her wedding, and now she wants it. Possibly she’s realised how valuable it is, having looked at other wedding jewelry.”
“Anyone telling you to hand it over can let her go through their own jewellery and gift her something.” ~ Ich_bin_keine_Banane
“I must admit I laughed out loud when I read that she said your aunt was ‘probably just being polite’ when she gave you the necklace, haha! Because such gifts are so frequently given merely out of courtesy!”
“I for one have spent quite a long time trying to equitably divide what little I have amongst my children and niblings in my will. I don’t have much, but thankfully I do have a fair amount of family jewelry.”
“And courtesy hasn’t entered into it a bit- only the deepest of love, as I’m sure was the case for your aunt as well.” ~ thedamnoftinkers
“Her cousin is older than her too. If it was a few years ago, it would have been when they were both young adults in their early twenties. Probably already established the character and type of person they are.”
“Chances are her own mom didn’t want her to have that necklace. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that she had a stronger or just a special bond with her niece that she didn’t have with her daughter.”
“Judging by the character described above, the cousin sounds entitled, pushy, and jealous. It’s probably a hard pill for cousin to swallow, too, if it’s an item that had been passed from mother to daughter for generations.”
“Probably why the cousin is trying to say her mom did it to be ‘polite’ in an attempt to steal it back.”
“Chances are she’s been stewing on it for years, and this is the perfect time to get it back. Once she wears it in the wedding, as mentioned by others, she just has to argue that it was a gift, and OP would be forced to either take her to court, steal it back, or just accept it’s gone.”
“I say get a safety box at a bank until the wedding is over.” ~ Dangerous-Bench-4458
The OP’s aunt had the option to give her daughter the family necklace. She chose not to for some unknown reason.
Since OP’s cousin plans to use her wedding as an opportunity to override her mother’s wishes, it’s probably best to just say no to lending the necklace to her.