Weddings are usually fun events for a lot of people.
It’s a great time to catch up with family and friends one doesn’t always get to see.
However, not everyone has the time or finances available to go to every wedding they’re asked to attend.
Declining isn’t always easy to do, but sometimes it just has to happen.
This doesn’t always go over well with loved ones.
Redditor CommercialLake4243 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for how I declined my cousin’s wedding invite?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (27 F[emale]) am a PhD student who works two assistantships plus a part-time job, for a total of 45 hours/week.”
“I grew up on the East Coast and have a cousin (F 27) who grew up on the West Coast.”
“We didn’t get to see each other much growing up due to the distance, but the few times we did go out to visit her and her family, she was always inundated with swim meets and friend parties.”
“While my family and I would go do fun stuff in the city, she always took off for those things instead of joining us, which really disappointed me as a child because I wanted to spend the little time we had together.”
“A few years ago, my cousin moved across the country for nursing school in the same state my dad and stepmom live (only an 8-hour drive from me, but still a few states away).”
“Stepmom always has this habit of picking on me and comparing me to this cousin (stepmom’s a narcissist, according to my therapist).”
“The one time we were all together for a family holiday, stepmom ridiculed me in front of everyone, and my cousin defended her instead of standing up for me.”
“That was the big indicator that my cousin and I don’t really have that true of a relationship, even though she always acts excited when we initially see each other.”
“Four months ago, my cousin out of the blue asked me for my email.”
“I give it to her, and then I receive an invite to her wedding (which will be held right by where my dad and stepmom live). “
“I didn’t even know she was engaged; she never texts me or tries to ever initiate any communication- until now, of course.”
“I initially didn’t respond to the RSVP, but last week cousin followed up to ask me if I’d be coming.”
“Here’s how I replied…”
“‘Hi, Cousin,'”
“‘I hope your day is all you want it to be.'”
“‘My plate is already full between work, dissertating, and mentoring/teaching involvement within my field.'”
“‘I will not be able to attend.'”
“‘Best wishes, OP'”
“My dad texted me yesterday in shock that I won’t be coming, despite everyone else going, and even said to be more polite next time when declining an invitation.”
“I asked what he meant, and he said cousin was kind of hurt and put off by how I responded, especially after she had to reach out to me a second time.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“I don’t feel I did anything that bad, but does my response really make me an AH?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Light YTA.”
“When sending regrets, never include a list of things you think are more important than the person you’re responding to.”
“Simply decline and wish them luck or happiness, even if your more important thing is washing your hair.” ~ Dry_Future_852
“And reply on time.”
“It was also rude to just not answer and make her follow up.’
“Cousin’s not a peach, don’t get me wrong, but OP is the one who breached etiquette here.” ~ FormalDinner7
“I’d say a much heavier YTA.”
“It sounds like they’re trashing the relationship over what sounds like one event where the cousin didn’t take their side.”
“Then they lied about the reason they didn’t want to go (which, arguably, is a more patronizing reason than the truth) on top of not simply responding to the RSVP.”
“If that’s the most compelling case they have, then I wonder what the ‘ridiculing’ exactly was.”
“A lack of details makes me suspect it was not as big a deal as OP thinks.” ~ Wheat_Grinder
“YTA for not just RSVP’ing no when you got the invite and making her follow up.”
“They just need a head count, not your explanation/swim meet revenge.” ~ No_Aerie4466
“I’m in grad school and fully intend to be an academic after I graduate.”
“I remember responding similarly to a friend once, who had the good grace to reply with a ‘Try again when you’re done being an a**hole.'”
“We use that phrase regularly now… lol.”
“NTA for not being able to go.”
“But slightly off putting into YTA territory, because from college student to college student, you came off as pretentious.”
“And it feels weird when it’s family, be it close or not.”
“Personally, I would’ve gone with something like ‘I am so sorry I forgot to RSVP, life has been hectic.'”
“‘Thank you for checking, but I won’t be able to attend.'”
“‘I hope it’s a beautiful day for you!'” ~ FourGuysOneFence
“YTA for how you declined.”
“That was in poor taste.”
“The polite way to decline an invite to a wedding is to wish them well, thank them for inviting you, and regretfully decline.”
“Do not tell them what you are doing, instead.”
“This isn’t the same as missing dinner for a swim meet.” ~ NonSequitorSquirrel
“+1 to this.”
“It’s not particularly uncommon or extraordinary to work 45+ hours a week.”
“That’s not a reason alone to not attend a wedding.”
“OP clearly didn’t want to go to this person’s wedding, and blaming her phd work seemed like the easiest excuse.”
“So YTA for giving a pretty flimsy reason.”
“You’re not going because of your workload, you’re not going because you don’t want to attend her wedding.”
“If this were someone you cared about more, you would have made time.”
“YTA also for not wishing her well or at least saying anything kind.”
“The response feels like you’re setting a boundary with an ex, not that you’re politely declining a wedding invite.”
“So I get your dad’s response, lol, tact matters in life.” ~ disenchantedliberal
“YTA – honestly, that was a really rude and patronizing way to decline.”
“And it’s weird that you brought up your cousin having swim meets when you were kids as a reason to decline.” ~ Trick_Gas_9406
“YTA for not responding to the original invite and making the bride text you.”
“I’m assuming you missed the RSVP deadline, which was clearly on the invite.”
“Perhaps you’re not aware, but you must always respond to a wedding invite, even if it’s just to decline.” ~ hyperside89
“YTA. As someone currently in this situation, just decline ‘No’ within the time frame given.”
“You’re behaving so passive-aggressively and trying to do a tit for tat for all the past grievances you have for her, and it feels like the way you’re justifying your behaviour is ‘we’re not close and she’s made that clear.'”
“There’s no expectation to like her, or is it mandatory to go to her wedding?”
“All you needed to do was hit ‘decline’ and move on, even for the sake of peace.”
“Did you really want any interaction with her?”
“Because making your stance known early would have avoided her having to reach out a second time.”
“I’ve invited 280 people to my wedding.”
“180 have RSVP’D.”
“I don’t care if the other 100 don’t want to come.”
“Just decline so I’m not in limbo, wondering if they accidentally missed the RSVP.”
“And now I’m in a position where I have to personally reach out to each one of these people to confirm their attendance.” ~ starfire92
“YTA—if only for waiting nearly four months to send in your regrets, and even then only after the bride-to-be had to contact you and ask whether you would be showing up.”
“It’s absolutely fine if you didn’t want to attend, but you should have responded, yes or no, far sooner.”
“As far as the content is concerned, that too.”
“‘I’m so sorry I can’t attend’ would have been perfectly sufficient; you didn’t have to imply that your job and advanced degree were so much more important than her silly wedding.” ~ SamSpayedPI
“Yes, YTA for how you declined your cousin’s invite.”
“Declining the invite does not make you a jerk, but all the extra info you put in your decline REEKS of bitterness and condescension.”
“Seems like you really, really wanted to get the last jab in because… she had swim meets when you were children?” ~ TarHeelOnPosh
“YTA… but only lightly.”
“You should have responded to the invite.”
“Ignoring it and needing to be prodded to reply is rude.”
“How busy she was as a child has zero bearing on if you, as an adult, attend her wedding, so I dunno why you bothered including it.”
“Your email/reply to her was very blunt.”
“It’s not directly rude, but most people would be… friendlier to family.”
“Your reply is one which could be sent to a complete stranger.”
“RSVP to events when you get the invite.” ~ lovesorangesoda636
“Soft YTA, this could have been avoided if you had declined the invite as soon as you knew you could not/did not want to attend due to work commitments.”
“The email… the way it’s worded comes off as rude, especially when you are the one who did not respond to the invite.” ~ locker1313
“YTA, your response was really passive-aggressive.”
“A good skill to learn in life is how to turn down invitations with grace.”
“A simple, ‘I’m so sorry I won’t be able to attend due to prior commitments, but wish you and your other half the best day celebrating’ would have sufficed.” ~ Urban_Peacock
Reddit has some serious issues with your response, OP.
It’s always better to try to communicate than be passive-aggressive.
You don’t owe your cousin attendance at her wedding or a relationship.
Some civility can go a long way, though.
Just something to think about.