While it's meant to be fun, the dating scene can be absolutely brutal.
Sometimes a person will reveal a lot more about their personality when they're trying to get someone's attention than might be desirable, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Ideal-Mind3099 claimed to be looking out for everyone else when she pointed out to her male coworker that he was "misleading" everyone about his relationship status.
But given the fact that he was also a widow, the Original Poster (OP) may have been focused on the wrong things.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my new coworker it was misleading of him to be wearing his wedding band when he's a widower?"
The OP was paying attention to her newest coworker.
"A couple of weeks ago, we had a new employee hired at the company. He's a good guy and a widower named 'James' (36) and to my knowledge, his late wife passed away 8 months ago."
"The other coworkers and I (32 Female) got along well with him."
"However, I noticed that he is still wearing his wedding band on his finger. It kind of confused me a bit and I couldn't help but bring it up with him while on lunch break."
The OP confronted James about his wedding ring.
"We talked and I pointed out that he was being misleading by still wearing his wedding band when he's a widower."
"He looked quite bothered by what I said, but I tried to explain that I think that he was giving people the wrong idea or impression about his relationship status since he's technically single and on his own right now (don't want to sound cruel but I'm speaking from a technical angle)."
"James said that he didn't give it much thought (meaning he doesn't care what people think) and that even if he wasn't wearing his wedding band and some woman approached him, he'd still turn them down since he's obviously not interested."
The OP continued to push the issue.
"For some reason, things got awkward and everyone stopped eating and just stared at James and me."
"I told him I don't know but that really really felt generally misleading of him as in making people think he is in a relationship (married) when he is not regardless of how he felt about being in a relationship."
"He got upset, called me rude, and said that I repeatedly disrespected his marriage and his late wife's memory with what I said, and then he took his stuff and walked away."
"My coworkers said regardless of who is right or wrong (though some said he overreacted) there was no reason for me to bring this up in the first place and cause a scene and make James upset with us like that."
"Now he's not speaking to me and others who sided with me."
The OP didn't see any issue in what she had said.
"This was just a conversation we were casually having with the other coworkers and I didn't use any insensitive tones or anything, but we had a discussion, and it suddenly turned into an argument."
"I tried to let things calm down but the situation got out of my hand unexpectedly."
"Did I overstep or did he overreact?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted with the OP and pointed out the ring is more than just a ring.
"OP, if you're reading this, you are one callous a**hole! It is not up to you to determine how long it's acceptable for someone else to grieve, or to police what they wear, jewelry, clothing, or otherwise."
"How dare you! Seriously humongous cold-hearted, unfeeling, socially inept a**hole!" - Lokiberry316
"YTA. A wedding ring isn't a sign to others you aren't available it's a commitment to a person you love. His wife might be dead but if he's not ready to move on, then he's still committed to her."
"Your confusion about his status isn't his concern." - jdwazzu61
"I wonder what OP would say if I started wearing a wedding band from my partner."
"I'm legally barred from marriage because I was disabled as a child (marriage equality still doesn't exist for the disabled, folks. and since there's confusion, 'legally' in this means that the discrimination is fully legal not that a judge would prohibit it. I'd just lose everything, statistically be in deep poverty, and probably die, and if I was one of the over 85% of disabled women to be abused by a spouse/caregiver I'd never be able to leave)."
"Would I have to disclose my legal and relationship status to everyone because of a ring? what if it's fashion and that's just where it fits?"
"Even better, since the night my father died when I was 17, 13 years ago, I have worn his wedding ring with my mom's first wedding ring (he got her a diamond later) on my ring finger. Do I need to explain to everyone that it's IN REMEMBERANCE of someone and that I'm actually asexual and don't have sexual or romantic relationships at all to everyone who sees my hands?"
"A ring is a token, and to him, he's still married or committed. My mom still wears her diamond even though Daddy has been gone and I wear the originals. Wow, do we both need to start explaining?"
"Jes*s, OP, you can want in his pants without interrogating and rushing the poor man. NO ONE'S RELATIONSHIP STATUS, AVAILABILITY, OR SEXUALITY IS YOUR F**KING BUSINESS." - snailvarnish
"Imagine you're in a new job for less than a month, just starting to get acquainted with your new colleagues, and it's less than a year after you've lost your spouse and this AH has the absolute audacity to say this to you."
"I'd be speechless too, if I'd overheard that, much less had it said to my face. Holy s**t." - pillowcrates
"OP is such a cold-hearted AH."
"A wedding band isn't legal papers. It's not supposed to represent his technical, legal relationship status. It's a token of love and dedication to the person he married."
"He's not wearing it to let others know he's available, he's wearing it for her memory and to show he's still committed to her. To his wife who died recently and who he's still grieving."
"OP massively overstepped James's boundaries. He can wear his wedding band anytime, anywhere and for whatever reason, and it still wouldn't be OP's business. Her telling him is super rude and inappropriate."
"It seems like she's interested in the coworker. Back down, OP. He's not interested in you, and even if he was, any attraction he had would be wiped out by your overstepping his boundaries." - GoodGirlsGrace
Others agreed and said the OP's ulterior motive was obvious.
"My first thought was that OP's problem with the ring is that she 'can't' hit on him because of it, that she is salty he is not interested in her, and he is not available."
"OP wants to consider him single and ready to mingle instead of widowed. She is salty he is emotionally unavailable for her and hates to be reminded of it whenever she sees that ring, hates that she can't just 'forget' his wife ever existed (and hates he can't just forget his wife ever existed)."
"The good news for the co-worker is that now OP will never get into his pants after this! OP just saved him from ever making the mistake of getting together with OP. YTA. I hope he goes to HR because of this!" - Cute-Shine-1701
"She's 32 and single; I'd say she definitely saw him as fresh meat. Seems he found out why." - biteme789
"The reason she's calling this 'misleading' is because it misled her to believe he's still married when OP wanted to go after him. Well, good on you for showing your a**, OP. Now James knows to steer far, faaaaaaaaar away from you."
"YTA." - ehwhythough
"By asking why he still wears his ring while knowing full well he's a widower, her conversation basically boils down to, 'Aren't you over her enough to stop wearing her ring?'"
"I'm sure James felt an implied, 'she's dead and not coming back' vibe from OP. I'm sure that's why the lunchroom got so hushed. Everyone was probably in shock that OP would be tasteless and tactless enough to pry that deep with a new coworker."
"Absolutely reprehensible, YTA." - Vaidurya
"What the f**k is this 'Well, she's dead so you're being misleading to everyone' bulls**t?"
"He isn't divorced, he's widowed. The marriage hasn't been dissolved in a legal process. It's come to a natural end but it's not gone or over as long as he feels he's still bound by it."
"Some widowers don't move on for a long while. Some widowers never move on. However they feel about moving on is OK." - Normal-Height-8577
The subReddit was absolutely appalled by the OP's words to her new coworker and how she could justify saying such things to a widower.
Many assumed the OP was attracted to their coworker and upset that he was not "letting go" of his marital status as quickly as she desired. Ironically, however, if this were her motivation, she just destroyed any chance she had of going on a date with him.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.