Boundaries with in-laws are a necessary part of marriage.
In-laws may often have the best of intentions, but sometimes lines get crossed.
And when certain lines get crossed, feelings can get hurt.
Communication becomes difficult to navigate when boundaries are blurred or obliterated.
Redditor abouttogoonhoneymoon wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for calling my MIL ill-mannered for going through my suitcase and criticizing my bikini?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Hi, my husband and I got married in June, and we’re about to board the plane to our honeymoon.”
“We’ve been with each other for almost a year and a half.”
“Last night, my I[n]-L[aw]s were at our place to wish us goodbye before we went for our honeymoon (they live half an hour away).”
“My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] was asking me to take some vitamin tablets with us, and offered to put them in my suitcase.”
“This is where it may have been my fault.”
“First, I said thanks, I’ll put them in, she said, ‘It’s ok, she can do it, and I said ok, you can put it in the inner zipper.'”
“Turns out she actually went through the clothes, and she came across a fairly revealing bikini I had bought for this occasion.”
“She asked me if I was really planning on taking this along.”
“I kind of lost my cool because I was embarrassed and said, ‘Please don’t go through our private stuff, it’s rude and ill-mannered.'”
“She then said a honeymoon doesn’t have to mean that I wear revealing clothes on public beaches (we’re Muslim and she’s a bit more conservative, I guess).”
“I said our relationship and our honeymoon are our own and not for her to comment on.”
“It might also be relevant to mention that my husband and I never told our families that we were in a physical relationship while we were seeing each other before our marriage, just that we were meeting up.”
“My mom knows, though, my dad doesn’t, or at least I don’t think so, don’t think either of his knows.”
“So, my point is my MIL has a misplaced idea of my and my husband’s relationship.”
“She was very affronted by what I said, and said I’m the one who didn’t have manners, that all she wanted to do was help.”
“My husband talked to her in private and tried to explain that I felt violated, even if she meant well.”
“The mood had soured, and my in-laws wished us a good trip and left soon after.”
“My husband said I shouldn’t have let her near the suitcase at all if this was the case, and that while he had spoken to her about boundaries, I shouldn’t have reacted without thinking.”
“We decided not to let this affect our honeymoon, and we didn’t talk about it again.”
“But it was just on my mind right now.”
“While he left to get us something to eat, I thought I’d quickly ask if I was TA, and if so, maybe I’ll admit it, to get our honeymoon off to a clean start.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“A lot of people seem to be glossing over your husband’s response.”
“He placed the blame on you for letting her near your suitcase in the first place.”
“I have a feeling even if she hadn’t had permission, he would have a way to blame you.”
“He says he’s talked to her about boundaries, but she’s already broken them.”
“Does he not expect she’ll listen?”
“That seems likely since he thinks you should simply keep your things away from her.”
“And then instead of faulting his mother for being nosy, he faulted you for reacting without thinking.”
“I know you want to enjoy your honeymoon, but it’s also important to set the tone for your marriage.”
“If he’s always going to side with his mother, that does not bode well for the future of your marriage.”
“And it’s better to figure out now than after you’ve got children.”
“Counseling would be a good idea. NTA.” ~ Dull_Berry_6485
“OP, you told your MIL that you’d put the vitamins in the suitcase, and she insisted on doing it.”
“Going through your things was her goal all along.”
“It looks like she’s going to be on your case from now on.”
“Be prepared for it, and your husband needs to always have your back.”
“If he can’t, or won’t, stand up to his mother, please rethink your marriage. NTA.” ~ GlassButtFrog
“NTA. MIL set you up.”
“She could have easily handed you the vitamins, but she ‘had’ to put them in your suitcase.”
“She was going into this looking for dirt.”
“Your MIL does have a misplaced idea of you and your husband’s relationship; she thinks she’s part of it.” ~ WhereWeretheAdults
“NTA. And now you know why she was so insistent on packing those vitamins herself.”
“She wanted a good rummage through your things in order to give her public opinion.”
“That wasn’t accidental.” ~ MistySky1999
“NTA. She is ill-mannered.”
“She offered to put the vitamin tablets in your suitcase for you (an odd offer) and ignored you about where to put them because she wanted to dig through your suitcase.”
“I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she fully intended to find fault in something you packed, no matter what you had packed.”
“The Petty Crocker in me would’ve wanted to reply to the public beaches comment with something like ‘Oh, that’s not for the beach. That’s for the hotel room.'”
“‘Do you want to hear all the details of what we’ll be doing there, how often, and in what positions?'”
“‘Since you’re nosing around in our private business.’ I don’t recommend this approach. I just enjoy the fantasy.”
“Your husband needs to step up when it comes to his mother because she did violate your privacy, full stop, and with no shame.”
“Of course, you lost your cool when someone did something so grossly inappropriate, and he needs to run interference.” ~ oliviamrow
“NTA, now you know to keep a firm distance from your MIL.”
“She is not your friend, and I would not let her worm too deep into your life.”
“You and your husband should also have some talks about boundaries – he should not be blaming you for her inappropriate behavior.”
“If you don’t get on the same page now, this spells a lot of trouble for your marriage going forward.” ~ captaintightpantzz
“NTA. She had no business going through your suitcase or commenting on your beachwear or your sex life.”
“Your husband is wrong for defending her actions and her attitude.”
“You gave her permission to slip the item into a zipped area, not to search it like a KGB agent or the Ministry of Female Modesty.”
“The fact that you two had sex before marriage is none of her business and doesn’t justify her invasive search of your bag.” ~ 666POD
“Once you get home, put locking doorknobs on your bedroom door and any other space you do not want her nosy butt in!”
“Make sure your in-laws do not have a key to your home or the garage code; if they do, change it immediately!”
“She is going to be a problem in your marriage.”
“Especially when you start having children.”
“I think marriage counseling could help you get ahead of some issues if you start soon!”
“Good luck.” ~ Grouchy-Storm-6758
“NTA – She had every intention to go through your suitcase to begin with; she just needed the excuse.”
“It was never about the vitamins.” ~ AnxietyQueeeeen
“NTA. However, this was a teaching moment.”
“Hope you took notes.”
“Now you know you have to keep your MIL in sight at all times so she doesn’t go through your belongings.”
“You’re going to need those vitamins… You might have some rough times ahead.”
“Happy Honeymoon!!!” ~ HappyGardener52
“NTA. She planned to snoop.”
“She intended to violate your privacy.”
“She’s also showing that she intends to comment, critique, and generally stick her nose in moving forward.” ~ RogueHunter83
“NTA. She was being pushy about the vitamins to begin with.”
“Then, she rooted through your packed suitcase.”
“It’s none of her business what you pack and wear.”
“It’s good that your husband spoke to her about boundaries, but it isn’t great that he also partially blamed you for ‘letting’ her near your suitcase.”
“I have a feeling he is going to have to set lots of boundaries with your MIL in the future.”
“Hopefully, he will get better at it soon.”
“Enjoy your honeymoon!!!” ~ Donutsmell
“NTA, please tell me your in-laws don’t have a key to your home.”
“You know she’ll be in there, snooping.”
“Your husband is a bit of an ar**hole, too.”
“He should be in total support of you, not asking you to let his mother ride roughshod over you with her complete lack of manners and respect.” ~ pixie-ann
“NTA. She had no business going through your things, regardless of whether she was putting something into your suitcase.”
“Her behavior was rude, nosy, and uncalled for.” ~ InternetMama
OP came back to chat…
“Thanks a lot for all the comments and a lot of the advice too.”
“We’re here now, so I didn’t get the chance to read all the comments, but the ones I read were heartening.”
“I don’t think I’ll be bringing it up again with him, not here at least, but the next time we interact with her, I’ll talk to him in advance about the boundaries we need to establish with his parents.”
“To address some questions, we live in Canada.”
“We don’t live with my in-laws, we have our own place.”
“Also, I got some DMs saying what we did before marriage was sinful and haram.”
“We know.”
“We’re bad Muslims, perhaps, not hypocrites.”
Reddit is clearly on your side, OP.
Your MIL had no right to comment on your private belongings.
That is not being helpful.
Hopefully, she can learn to respect your boundaries.
Happy Honeymoon!!!