As much as a couple might want to plan, plan, plan for the arrival of their baby, from cleaning the house to decorating the nursery to reading all the parenting books, there's one thing they cannot prepare for.
The baby is going to come when it's ready to come, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor kaipetica knew that she would have to have a Caesarean section for her baby because of their positioning.
But when her husband wanted her to plan the surgery around his work schedule so he wouldn't have to take time off work, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my husband I'm not scheduling my c-section around what's convenient for his work?"
The OP was preparing to schedule a C-section for her baby.
"I (28 Female) am currently 37 weeks pregnant. I had an ultrasound today and found that the baby is breech, so I will be needing a C-section."
"My doctor told me he usually does his scheduled c-sections on Tuesday or Friday, which would make the first eligible day that I'm able to schedule Friday, June 20th."
"My husband (30 Male) said he would rather I wait until Tuesday, June 24th, because it would be easier for his work schedule. He works three 12-hour shifts Friday, Saturday, and Sunday."
He is going to need to take at least one weekend off, regardless of whether we do it on the 20th or the 24th. We have a three-year-old, as well, so expecting me to stay home and take care of a newborn and a three-year-old by myself when I had a C-section just four days earlier... It's not gonna happen and he knows that."
The pair could not agree on a date for the C-section.
"I told him I would rather do it ASAP on the 20th, and here's why. I have severe gestational diabetes that I have been battling for four months with mixed success, which makes me a high-risk pregnancy."
"That and if you've ever been nine months pregnant, you know it is quite miserable. I'm ready for this to be over with."
"When he said he'd rather me do it on Tuesday because it's more convenient for his work schedule, I was like, 'Excuse me. What?' He then proceeded to explain that HR at his work is only in the office one day a week, and it's not on days when he works."
"I said, 'You can't leave them a voicemail or send them an email?' Nope. I told him he needs to get something figured out because we're kind of getting down to the wire."
"Then he starts arguing back about not being able to take the time off, to which I told him that if his job fires him for taking time off to be with his wife who is having a c-section, that's not a place worth working for, and he should find another job that won't treat him like that."
"I also told him he needs to stop making excuses for everything and take some responsibility and just do it because that's a huge problem he has. He can give a million excuses why he can't do something, and when it comes to something as important as this, it's incredibly frustrating to hear excuses."
The OP's husband still didn't do anything to prepare for the surgery.
"He hasn't talked to me since the argument, and as soon as we got home, he shut himself in the bedroom."
"I feel like the easy solution to the problem is to go into the office on the day HR is there and get it all squared away, rather than just banking on the timing of this baby being convenient for him."
"I mean, we're scheduling a c-section, but there's nothing to say that I won't go into labor on my own before then. What is he gonna do if I go into labor this Saturday while he's at work?"
"So AITAH because I feel like this is one decision that should be at my discretion and what's convenient for me, you know, since I'm the one that's gonna get cut open?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were suspicious about the OP's husband's planning skills.
"I'm in HR for a large construction company. Almost every single one of my parental leave/FMLA conversations is done via email. The idea that he can't talk to HR because they aren't in on the days he works is such a weak excuse."
"Call. Email. Go in on your day off. Whatever. He needs to get the time off requested. And honestly, he should be trying to take more than just a week off (if finances permit)." - True_Pickle3024
"He doesn't WANT to get in touch with HR. Otherwise, there are 16 hours in a day when he is not working and four days a week he isn't working. Aren't you concerned about the fact that he doesn't want to be a husband or father?" - facinationstreet
"It's absolutely mad to me that she's 37 weeks pregnant and he's acting like it's a surprise that he needs to make arrangements for when the baby comes. 37 weeks is considered full term; this baby could come any day now."
"They only found out today the baby is breech, so what was the original plan if OP was to go into labour naturally? And what did they do last time they had a baby?? He's not even a first-time dad!" - Super_Ground9690
"It takes 20 seconds to send an email. And he doesn't work four out of the five business days of the week, where he could also call. Your husband is acting like a piece of s**t." - insomniacwineo
"What happens if her water breaks on a day that's inconvenient? Or she hits a crisis earlier than the booked date? Just because you have a date set for a c-section does not mean that is the date it is happening. Babies come when babies come."
"But no, it's fine, he can just text the hospital and tell them to send her home. This isn't a good time, put the baby back."
"I can't get over the fact that he's whining about things not being convenient for him when she's having major surgery and a whole baby. This dude is 100% a selfish child."
"I wonder if something is wrong at work that he doesn't want to talk to anyone? Maybe they're planning on firing him and he knows it, so he's worried about being more of a burden." - SuperPomegranate7933
Others encouraged the OP to make other care arrangements than her husband.
"He is going to need to take at least one weekend off, regardless. Girl, he is literally telling you that he has zero intention of doing that, so I hope, sincerely hope, that you have a back-up for someone to watch the three-year-old and someone to take you to the hospital. Your 'husband' gives no f**ks about you." - Sylentskye
"This baby could decide to come all on its own, regardless of any scheduled surgery."
"Oh, and I have had abdominal surgeries twice (not pregnancy related, they were actually Much Smaller incisions), and OP CANNOT watch a toddler and baby for at least a month."
"Many companies offer paternity leave, and OP should be double-checking if it's an option, since her husband seems more than happy to bury his head in the sand and refuse communication rather than have those talks." - 2dogs4life
"It's sounding like you're already a single mother. Do you have any family you can move in with to help look after you and your toddler?" - Writerhowell
"How does any of that address the fact that you have no reliable childcare for your toddler during and immediately after surgery? You're deflecting."
"Whether or not he wants to do administrative tasks after you give birth has literally no bearing on the emergency that is about to take place. I'm not trying to stress you out, but please don't disregard this as some kind of marital spat. You urgently need more support than he is willing to give, and nothing should distract you from finding it." - Elesia
"Sorry, but what happens if the baby has a mind of its own and you go into labor while he's at work and he needs to leave? What if he can't? Babies come when they come, and he needs to focus on that."
"Also, please insist he takes longer than a weekend off; when you have a c-section, you cannot lift anything heavier than the baby for like four to six weeks. I know they make it sound like nothing much but it's MAJOR surgery. Some of our inside organs will be on the OUTSIDE for a bit."
"My doctor inspected my uterus under the light or some such s**t, and my husband almost fainted. They cut through layers of muscle to get to the baby, it's not a little thing, and its recovery times should not be ignored. The guidance on picking up heavy things of all sorts really, really needs to be listened to. Busting a stitch can ruin you."
"Reality is, I had a c-section and my husband had only four weeks off, and it wasn't long enough, and I didn't have a toddler to run after. Please demand better!" - hebejebez
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"In the original, there was a debate as to whether I should schedule my c-section for June 20th or June 24th. Well, baby decided to come on her own on June 8th, which was neither scheduled nor convenient for my husband's work."
"June 8th was a Sunday, so my husband was at work. By luck, I took the car that day (we only have the one). Around 2:00 PM, I called my husband and told him we needed to go to the hospital, so I drove to his work to pick him up, then he drove me to the hospital, and about three hours later, we had a baby (still had to be a c-section because she was breech)."
"Because I read pretty much all of the comments, my husband has been here and has been very supportive. He's helped with all the usual baby stuff. He's been more than happy to run out and get me anything I've needed."
"As for what he's doing with his work... well, I still have no idea."
"My grandma has said I can come stay with her for a few days while I'm recovering. Before the baby was born, I told my mom that we should have me spend the weekend at my grandma's or have someone come stay with me during the day when he's at work."
"I did have a much calmer discussion with my husband about this, and I've just decided to let him do whatever he wants regarding taking time off from work. This is not worth stressing over. I've got plenty on my plate as it is."
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP's husband was behaving and hoped that she'd have other support around her while her husband remained unreliable.
At least according to the update, the OP at least has her mother and grandmother to depend on, though it's unclear how much they'll be able to help and what the OP's husband will even do to try to be there for her and their baby.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp