Boundaries are an important part of life.
For many people boundaries are an essential part in keeping one's mental health stable.
Of course, there are always going to be people who don't care about other people's boundaries.
Sadly, the people who don't care about boundaries tend to be part of one's intimate circle, like a friend or relative.
This causes far too much stress.
Redditor Wild-Drink294 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for believing my 2.5 yo over my MIL?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Without going into too many specifics, my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] is difficult to deal with."
"My biggest problem with her is that she does what she wants with my daughter regardless of what I or my husband say."
"I'll say no candy, she'll give her two pieces."
"She sneaks her coke and tea even after we've told her not to."
"Most things are harmless enough, but my husband and I watch our daughter like a hawk when we're at their house now."
"We were there for a long weekend and honestly everything was going great."
"MIL was in a great mood and F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] was feeling good (he's in his 90s and his health hasn't been great the past year)."
"I let my guard down and let my daughter spend some time with my MIL."
"A couple of days later, when my daughter and I are eating lunch, she tells me MIL clipped her hair."
"I asked her where and she pulls at her bangs and sure enough they look like they've been cut."
"She also said the same thing to the neighbor when the neighbor said how blonde my daughter's hair had gotten, 'Grandma clipped it.'"
"That would have been my daughter's first haircut."
"I had no doubt MIL cut it."
"She mentioned a couple of times my daughter needed a haircut."
"My husband and I said no, we did not want to cut her hair. "
"I texted my MIL that I knew she had cut her hair and basically we'd be going N[o] C[ontact] for a while along with how I felt about the situation."
"She of course denied everything and called my husband, screaming and crying, 'How can you believe anything a 2-year-old says!?'"
"Edit to say it wasn't a week later that I noticed her hair was cut."
"It was literally a day and a half later."
"I did notice it was different, I just thought it was the way she had slept on it."
"Her hair is soft and fine so tangles aren't really a problem and she hates it when I try to fix it so I pretty much leave it alone until it's time to wash it, which I don't do every night."
"Also my MIL has a history of disregarding my wishes as a parent."
"She is L[ow] to no contact with her step grandchildren for this exact reason."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your MIL has a habit of going against the wishes of a child's parents (doesn't matter who the kid is, stranger or family)."
"You know this, and she knows this."
"So how on earth can she expect you to believe her when it comes to your child?"
"Now, could your daughter have lied?"
"I mean, it's a possibility but look at it this way... someone has cut her hair, so until good ole grandma can empirically prove she isn't the culprit, tell her that her actions in the past have led you to believe the one person in the situation who doesn't go behind your back."
"It doesn't matter that the 1 person is only a toddler." ~ AfraidOstrich9539
"NTA. Your MIL has a history of ignoring boundaries, and now she's throwing a tantrum because she got caught."
"A 2-year-old isn't plotting elaborate lies; she told you what happened, and the evidence is right there on her head."
"If your MIL can't respect basic parenting decisions, she doesn't get unsupervised time… Good luck." ~ Younggod9
"NTA. It's not just your daughter telling you, the hair is missing."
"So either somebody cut it or she let a toddler play with scissors unsupervised, which would be a horribly dangerous and stupid thing to do."
"Yeah, you absolutely cannot trust her."
"The next step would be to start teaching your daughter not to tell you things so Grandma doesn't get into trouble."
"You're better off without somebody like that, so is your daughter." ~ Ok_Homework_7621
"NTA. You definitely need to be no contact."
"This woman constantly goes behind your back and does as she pleases, and then has the nerve to say that your child is lying about her cut hair when you can literally look at her hair."
"Lots of grandmas like to sneak the kiddo a cookie now and then behind mom and dad's back - that's not what you're looking at here."
"You are looking at someone who is consistently and regularly opposing every directive you give about caring for your child just to prove that she can do as she pleases."
"You need to get your husband thoroughly on your side and tell him to handle his mother, because otherwise you're going to wind up divorced with fifty percent of your child's time spent at her whim." ~ KrofftSurvivor
"Are you the a**hole over believing your 2-year-old? No."
"I also get that MIL is annoying and stomps over boundaries and gives your kids sweets when she shouldn't."
"But no contact?"
"Over sweets and cutting her bangs?"
"MIL didn't shave the kid's head, she cut (per your description in the comments) your daughter's hair to keep it out of her eyes. I mean, you didn't even notice it?!"
"But it sounds to me like this isn't dangerous or mean things that MIL is doing."
"Holy hell, my grandma sneaked cookies to me and I had the time of my life and it's a cherished memory that I have."
"Maybe there is more to the story, but you sound really, really harsh."
"Have all the boundaries you want, but also maybe give a little wiggle room for things that aren't actually dangerous."
"If MIL starts pouring sugar and corn syrup into every meal, then go ahead, go no contact, but also maybe pick your battles." ~ flaggingpolly
"NTA. Kids rarely lie about these things, and there's clearly precedent."
"You have to put your foot down about your daughter and establish boundaries."
"Otherwise, your MIL will do whatever she wants and end up doing worse things that can harm your child."
"It's good that you and your husband are on the same page."
"MIL doesn't get to complain about anything as long as she's blatantly disregarding your authority as parents." ~ itstherizzler96
"NTA. Your MIL really said, 'I know better than the actual parents' and took the scissors into her own hands."
"A 2.5-year-old randomly making up a whole hair salon incident? Unlikely."
"She's been sneaking candy, Coke, and now unauthorized haircuts, next thing you know, she's signing the kid up for a credit card."
"Low-key wouldn't trust her with a goldfish at this point." ~ zoe_dreampor
"NTA. It almost doesn't matter if she did or didn't cut the kid's hair."
"She has exhibited a sustained pattern of lying and boundary crossing."
"The most concerning part might be that even if a parent manages to get inaccurate information from a child, 'You can't believe small children' is never the right answer. Ever."
"That's someone you need to keep an eye on, even if they're not deliberately trying to cause harm." ~ Violetmints
"NTA- It literally does not matter if they've ever pulled a stunt like this, ANY grandparent that says 'Oh it looks like they need a haircut' has already been thinking it."
"It happens with nearly every grandparent out there, and they definitely cut it."
"If she said it more than like 3 times to you, she decided to 'clip it' instead of 'cutting it' so you wouldn't be mad it was just a little trim the hair was in her eyes!!/s."
"A child is also likely to remember this new experience and tell people about it, grandma probably used the word clip to try protecting herself from the inevitable repetition." ~ KateThornsby
"NTA and always believe your child."
"Time to have the talk about how we don't keep secrets from mommy ever, and if grandma tries that again she's getting a time out."
"My MIL cut my daughter's hair and lied and tried to deny it, but I was positive and didn't back down and she finally admitted it."
"She'd saved the hair and mailed it back to me because it was my daughter's first hair cut."
"The kicker is I found out that MIL had done the same thing and cut my nephew's hair when he was little, about seven years earlier."
"And she and I had talked about it, I wasn't cutting bangs on my girls because I can braid and do hair."
"Some people just won't listen."
"In the end, all three of her grandkids are in their late teens now and none have a good relationship with her."
"She refuses to listen to them now too, and they hate it." ~ annswertwin
"NTA - and don't let anyone make you feel bad about not noticing."
"My family didn't notice for 3 days when I shaved my eyebrows off as a kid." ~ SamWaltonWouldBeSad
"NTA. Even when you start speaking to her again, she absolutely cannot be left alone with your child." ~ International-Fee255
"NTA. The moment someone consistently undermines your parenting, they lose the privilege of unsupervised time with your child."
"Your daughter is way too young to be caught in this power struggle."
"Been there, done that, got the therapy bills." ~ Hot_Doll00
"NTA. Your child, your rules."
"I learned this lesson the hard way when my MIL kept undermining my parenting decisions."
"Had to put my foot down when she started telling my kid 'Mommy's just being mean' every time I said no to something."
"Stand your ground now, or it'll only get worse." ~ CuteSweet-heart
"NTA. A child that young is not going to make up something so random as a haircut."
"You are engaged in a power play with a lying, cheating, manipulative woman, not of your creation or choice."
"Be careful because it wouldn't surprise me if she tries to destroy your relationship with your husband."
"How is your husband reacting to this?"
"P.S. The best thing you can do for your kid diet-wise is keep them away from soda."
"It's the very worst thing in most people's diets."
"Sparkling water with a little lemon or lime juice can scratch that itch in a more healthy way." ~ Keely369
"NTA, do you believe your daughter?"
"Establish with her now that if Grandma does anything Daughter doesn't like or if she tells Daughter to keep a secret, Daughter should come tell you ASAP and you will believe her."
"Much more damage is done by not believing small kids than by believing them." ~ jaded-introvert
"NTA. I would in fact believe my 2-year-old."
"Even though she is indeed so young, I don't really believe she would, consistently and to multiple people, lie about an event at her grandmother's."
"MAYBE if there was a situation where they were 'playing hair stylist' or something but given the REST of the MIL's background here, which involves her going rogue and repeatedly doing things she knows go against your wishes, this seems extremely believable."
"I think no contact or low contact is appropriate with your husband's buy-in."
"HE really should be the one providing all the communication here, and this should not be a situation where you've decided for him that you three won't be seeing your in-laws." ~ owls_and_cardinals
"NTA. If she's never had a haircut before, there will be very obvious blunt ends where MIL cut it, so it's not just your daughter's word against hers."
"Also, lots of people asking how you didn't notice."
"My daughter had very fine, wavy, unruly hair until she was about 6."
"I wouldn't have noticed if someone snipped a little bit off." ~ Outrageous_Shirt_737
"It's one thing for her going behind your back and giving her grandchild a few extra sweet treats - it's another thing entirely, her cutting her hair and then calling her a liar!"
"What kind of person behaves that way?"
"NTA, definitely no contact for a bit."
"Gather your thoughts and then if you do get back in touch build resilient boundaries that are not open to negotiation." ~ MSK_74288
"NTA. The key here for me is that the mother-in-law has a pattern of this type of thing."
"Sure kids can make up stories, but this seems like a bizarre one to come from nowhere and the hair is visibly shorter."
"I don't think it's a crazy conclusion to jump to and regardless of how this may seem minor if you can't trust this woman to follow your parenting instructions, you cannot trust her with your child —grandmother or otherwise." ~ Better_Implement_973
"NTA. MIL is out here expecting you to choose her and her history of dishonesty and disrespect above you and your relationship with your young child, who is old enough to speak and articulate things to you." ~ MediterraneanVeggie
"NTA and good of you to believe your daughter."
"Most people disregard what their children say over what another adult says." ~ RabbidBunnies_BJD
Reddit understands where you're coming from, OP.
Your MIL clearly has no respect for boundaries or your role as a parent.
She has only herself to blame.
Hopefully, you can all find a way to make it work in the future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp