Boundaries are an important part of life.
For many people boundaries are an essential part in keeping one’s mental health stable.
Of course, there are always going to be people who don’t care about other people’s boundaries.
Sadly, the people who don’t care about boundaries tend to be part of one’s intimate circle, like a friend or relative.
This causes far too much stress.
Redditor Wild-Drink294 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for believing my 2.5 yo over my MIL?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Without going into too many specifics, my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] is difficult to deal with.”
“My biggest problem with her is that she does what she wants with my daughter regardless of what I or my husband say.”
“I’ll say no candy, she’ll give her two pieces.”
“She sneaks her coke and tea even after we’ve told her not to.”
“Most things are harmless enough, but my husband and I watch our daughter like a hawk when we’re at their house now.”
“We were there for a long weekend and honestly everything was going great.”
“MIL was in a great mood and F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] was feeling good (he’s in his 90s and his health hasn’t been great the past year).”
“I let my guard down and let my daughter spend some time with my MIL.”
“A couple of days later, when my daughter and I are eating lunch, she tells me MIL clipped her hair.”
“I asked her where and she pulls at her bangs and sure enough they look like they’ve been cut.”
“She also said the same thing to the neighbor when the neighbor said how blonde my daughter’s hair had gotten, ‘Grandma clipped it.'”
“That would have been my daughter’s first haircut.”
“I had no doubt MIL cut it.”
“She mentioned a couple of times my daughter needed a haircut.”
“My husband and I said no, we did not want to cut her hair. “
“I texted my MIL that I knew she had cut her hair and basically we’d be going N[o] C[ontact] for a while along with how I felt about the situation.”
“She of course denied everything and called my husband, screaming and crying, ‘How can you believe anything a 2-year-old says!?’”
“Edit to say it wasn’t a week later that I noticed her hair was cut.”
“It was literally a day and a half later.”
“I did notice it was different, I just thought it was the way she had slept on it.”
“Her hair is soft and fine so tangles aren’t really a problem and she hates it when I try to fix it so I pretty much leave it alone until it’s time to wash it, which I don’t do every night.”
“Also my MIL has a history of disregarding my wishes as a parent.”
“She is L[ow] to no contact with her step grandchildren for this exact reason.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So Reddit, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Your MIL has a habit of going against the wishes of a child’s parents (doesn’t matter who the kid is, stranger or family).”
“You know this, and she knows this.”
“So how on earth can she expect you to believe her when it comes to your child?”
“Now, could your daughter have lied?”
“I mean, it’s a possibility but look at it this way… someone has cut her hair, so until good ole grandma can empirically prove she isn’t the culprit, tell her that her actions in the past have led you to believe the one person in the situation who doesn’t go behind your back.”
“It doesn’t matter that the 1 person is only a toddler.” ~ AfraidOstrich9539
“NTA. Your MIL has a history of ignoring boundaries, and now she’s throwing a tantrum because she got caught.”
“A 2-year-old isn’t plotting elaborate lies; she told you what happened, and the evidence is right there on her head.”
“If your MIL can’t respect basic parenting decisions, she doesn’t get unsupervised time… Good luck.” ~ Younggod9
“NTA. It’s not just your daughter telling you, the hair is missing.”
“So either somebody cut it or she let a toddler play with scissors unsupervised, which would be a horribly dangerous and stupid thing to do.”
“Yeah, you absolutely cannot trust her.”
“The next step would be to start teaching your daughter not to tell you things so Grandma doesn’t get into trouble.”
“You’re better off without somebody like that, so is your daughter.” ~ Ok_Homework_7621
“NTA. You definitely need to be no contact.”
“This woman constantly goes behind your back and does as she pleases, and then has the nerve to say that your child is lying about her cut hair when you can literally look at her hair.”
“Lots of grandmas like to sneak the kiddo a cookie now and then behind mom and dad’s back – that’s not what you’re looking at here.”
“You are looking at someone who is consistently and regularly opposing every directive you give about caring for your child just to prove that she can do as she pleases.”
“You need to get your husband thoroughly on your side and tell him to handle his mother, because otherwise you’re going to wind up divorced with fifty percent of your child’s time spent at her whim.” ~ KrofftSurvivor
“Are you the a**hole over believing your 2-year-old? No.”
“I also get that MIL is annoying and stomps over boundaries and gives your kids sweets when she shouldn’t.”
“But no contact?”
“Over sweets and cutting her bangs?”
“MIL didn’t shave the kid’s head, she cut (per your description in the comments) your daughter’s hair to keep it out of her eyes. I mean, you didn’t even notice it?!”
“But it sounds to me like this isn’t dangerous or mean things that MIL is doing.”
“Holy hell, my grandma sneaked cookies to me and I had the time of my life and it’s a cherished memory that I have.”
“Maybe there is more to the story, but you sound really, really harsh.”
“Have all the boundaries you want, but also maybe give a little wiggle room for things that aren’t actually dangerous.”
“If MIL starts pouring sugar and corn syrup into every meal, then go ahead, go no contact, but also maybe pick your battles.” ~ flaggingpolly
“NTA. Kids rarely lie about these things, and there’s clearly precedent.”
“You have to put your foot down about your daughter and establish boundaries.”
“Otherwise, your MIL will do whatever she wants and end up doing worse things that can harm your child.”
“It’s good that you and your husband are on the same page.”
“MIL doesn’t get to complain about anything as long as she’s blatantly disregarding your authority as parents.” ~ itstherizzler96
“NTA. Your MIL really said, ‘I know better than the actual parents’ and took the scissors into her own hands.”
“A 2.5-year-old randomly making up a whole hair salon incident? Unlikely.”
“She’s been sneaking candy, Coke, and now unauthorized haircuts, next thing you know, she’s signing the kid up for a credit card.”
“Low-key wouldn’t trust her with a goldfish at this point.” ~ zoe_dreampor
“NTA. It almost doesn’t matter if she did or didn’t cut the kid’s hair.”
“She has exhibited a sustained pattern of lying and boundary crossing.”
“The most concerning part might be that even if a parent manages to get inaccurate information from a child, ‘You can’t believe small children’ is never the right answer. Ever.”
“That’s someone you need to keep an eye on, even if they’re not deliberately trying to cause harm.” ~ Violetmints
“NTA- It literally does not matter if they’ve ever pulled a stunt like this, ANY grandparent that says ‘Oh it looks like they need a haircut’ has already been thinking it.”
“It happens with nearly every grandparent out there, and they definitely cut it.”
“If she said it more than like 3 times to you, she decided to ‘clip it’ instead of ‘cutting it’ so you wouldn’t be mad it was just a little trim the hair was in her eyes!!/s.”
“A child is also likely to remember this new experience and tell people about it, grandma probably used the word clip to try protecting herself from the inevitable repetition.” ~ KateThornsby
“NTA and always believe your child.”
“Time to have the talk about how we don’t keep secrets from mommy ever, and if grandma tries that again she’s getting a time out.”
“My MIL cut my daughter’s hair and lied and tried to deny it, but I was positive and didn’t back down and she finally admitted it.”
“She’d saved the hair and mailed it back to me because it was my daughter’s first hair cut.”
“The kicker is I found out that MIL had done the same thing and cut my nephew’s hair when he was little, about seven years earlier.”
“And she and I had talked about it, I wasn’t cutting bangs on my girls because I can braid and do hair.”
“Some people just won’t listen.”
“In the end, all three of her grandkids are in their late teens now and none have a good relationship with her.”
“She refuses to listen to them now too, and they hate it.” ~ annswertwin
“NTA – and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about not noticing.”
“My family didn’t notice for 3 days when I shaved my eyebrows off as a kid.” ~ SamWaltonWouldBeSad
“NTA. Even when you start speaking to her again, she absolutely cannot be left alone with your child.” ~ International-Fee255
“NTA. The moment someone consistently undermines your parenting, they lose the privilege of unsupervised time with your child.”
“Your daughter is way too young to be caught in this power struggle.”
“Been there, done that, got the therapy bills.” ~ Hot_Doll00
“NTA. Your child, your rules.”
“I learned this lesson the hard way when my MIL kept undermining my parenting decisions.”
“Had to put my foot down when she started telling my kid ‘Mommy’s just being mean’ every time I said no to something.”
“Stand your ground now, or it’ll only get worse.” ~ CuteSweet-heart
“NTA. A child that young is not going to make up something so random as a haircut.”
“You are engaged in a power play with a lying, cheating, manipulative woman, not of your creation or choice.”
“Be careful because it wouldn’t surprise me if she tries to destroy your relationship with your husband.”
“How is your husband reacting to this?”
“P.S. The best thing you can do for your kid diet-wise is keep them away from soda.”
“It’s the very worst thing in most people’s diets.”
“Sparkling water with a little lemon or lime juice can scratch that itch in a more healthy way.” ~ Keely369
“NTA, do you believe your daughter?”
“Establish with her now that if Grandma does anything Daughter doesn’t like or if she tells Daughter to keep a secret, Daughter should come tell you ASAP and you will believe her.”
“Much more damage is done by not believing small kids than by believing them.” ~ jaded-introvert
“NTA. I would in fact believe my 2-year-old.”
“Even though she is indeed so young, I don’t really believe she would, consistently and to multiple people, lie about an event at her grandmother’s.”
“MAYBE if there was a situation where they were ‘playing hair stylist’ or something but given the REST of the MIL’s background here, which involves her going rogue and repeatedly doing things she knows go against your wishes, this seems extremely believable.”
“I think no contact or low contact is appropriate with your husband’s buy-in.”
“HE really should be the one providing all the communication here, and this should not be a situation where you’ve decided for him that you three won’t be seeing your in-laws.” ~ owls_and_cardinals
“NTA. If she’s never had a haircut before, there will be very obvious blunt ends where MIL cut it, so it’s not just your daughter’s word against hers.”
“Also, lots of people asking how you didn’t notice.”
“My daughter had very fine, wavy, unruly hair until she was about 6.”
“I wouldn’t have noticed if someone snipped a little bit off.” ~ Outrageous_Shirt_737
“It’s one thing for her going behind your back and giving her grandchild a few extra sweet treats – it’s another thing entirely, her cutting her hair and then calling her a liar!”
“What kind of person behaves that way?”
“NTA, definitely no contact for a bit.”
“Gather your thoughts and then if you do get back in touch build resilient boundaries that are not open to negotiation.” ~ MSK_74288
“NTA. The key here for me is that the mother-in-law has a pattern of this type of thing.”
“Sure kids can make up stories, but this seems like a bizarre one to come from nowhere and the hair is visibly shorter.”
“I don’t think it’s a crazy conclusion to jump to and regardless of how this may seem minor if you can’t trust this woman to follow your parenting instructions, you cannot trust her with your child —grandmother or otherwise.” ~ Better_Implement_973
“NTA. MIL is out here expecting you to choose her and her history of dishonesty and disrespect above you and your relationship with your young child, who is old enough to speak and articulate things to you.” ~ MediterraneanVeggie
“NTA and good of you to believe your daughter.”
“Most people disregard what their children say over what another adult says.” ~ RabbidBunnies_BJD
Reddit understands where you’re coming from, OP.
Your MIL clearly has no respect for boundaries or your role as a parent.
She has only herself to blame.
Hopefully, you can all find a way to make it work in the future.