Most parents look forward to the day they get to walk their child down the aisle after they’ve found their person with whom to share the rest of their lives.
One guy, however, is strongly opposed to the idea of his fiancée’s father walking her down the aisle on the day of the nuptials.
After facing some resistance, he visited the “Am I the A** Hole?” (AITAH) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor lerma___ asked:
“AITAH for refusing to let my fiancée’s parents walk her down the aisle after what they did?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (29 M[ale]) fiancée (27 F[emale]) and I are getting married in a few months. She has always had a complicated relationship with her parents, especially her father, who was very controlling when she was younger.”
“He constantly belittled her choices, from her career to her friends, and even tried to sabotage our relationship in the early years because I ‘wasn’t good enough’ for their family.”
“A few years ago, her parents disowned her after she refused to break up with me. They told her she was ‘dead to them’ and blocked her everywhere. It was brutal—she was devastated, but we moved forward and built a life together.”
The OP continued:
“Fast forward to now: they suddenly reached out, acting like nothing happened, after hearing about the wedding through mutual family.”
“They said they assumed she would want her father to walk her down the aisle, and my fiancée, being the kindhearted person she is, is considering it because ‘he’s still my dad.’”
“I, however, am not okay with this. I reminded her how they treated her—how they threw her away when she needed them most, and now they just get to show up like the perfect parents for a big, emotional moment? I told her I don’t want them at the wedding, period.”
“She thinks I’m making it harder than it needs to be and that it’s her decision to make. Her parents, of course, are acting like I’m the bad guy now, saying I’m trying to ‘ruin their reconciliation’ and ‘taking their daughter away from them.’”
“So, AITAH for putting my foot down?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a** hole here (NTA)
“Get couples counselling asap and an individual therapist for your fiancée. She has some serious people pleaser issues and has been abused by her family so much that no matter the behavior, she accepts it.”
“Stand firm that you need couples counselling before making a decision.” – iknowsomethings2
“The wedding shouldn’t be the reason nor the place to have a reconciliation. But putting your foot down will burn bridges. Even though I would consider what they did bridge burning already. Your fiancee doesn’t, though, and unless she agrees with you, it’s going to be tough going forward.”
“NTA for standing your ground, but if I were you, I’d postpone the wedding until you guys are on the same page.” – cthulularoo
“Postpone this wedding.”
“The parents only reached out now because it would make them look bad not to be at their daughter’s wedding. After the wedding, they will either ghost her again or go back to their old controlling ways, neither of which will be good for your marriage.”
“Your fiancee needs therapy in order to deal with how her parents have abused her, and it is abuse. Don’t marry into this emotional minefield until she gets it.” – OneLessDay517
“If you want to ignore how they treated you, that’s your choice. But they also treated me terribly and I refuse to have people at my wedding who treated me the way they did. And it hurts that you would allow that and are defending those people.” – Hidden_Vixen21
“NTA your fiance is kind of a people pleaser, a wedding is not the event for a reconciliation after years of abuse. She needs to think that Maybe they are just reaching out because of appearances not because they miss her .” – LadyNanachi_Art
“In a relationship, both you and your partner form a ride-or-die core and protect each other from ‘malignant’ external forces. This is vital because this is the only way to safeguard a stable environment (even more important when having children), so OP did what he had to (and what his partner should have done by default) set firm boundaries and ‘protect the inner circle’ which includes himself.”
“In the end she can set her own boundary and say I choose my parents over the dignity and safety of you and I. She can however NOT say: They will come to the wedding. It takes two to tango, no safe haven means no wedding. So she can set out to find another guy that can be the rug for her parents walk over.”
“Never seen a more clear NTA. OP has a fiancé problem.” – Suspicious-Exit-6528
“‘But family’ is a stupid reason to tolerate bullying or abuse. Your fiance needs to learn that. He ceased being her dad when he disowned her. He’s ‘blood’ and nothing more.”
“She needs therapy to help her grow a spine and not be a doormat to people who treat her like garbage. You can’t forbid her from having family there, so don’t try to ban them outright, but do encourage her not to cave her self-respect by letting them have any active role at all in the wedding. – JanetInSpain
“I wouldn’t trust them as far as I can throw them.”
“But understand that you marry the family, right? This is just the first step in a long road of relationships, including the relationship your kids will have with their grandparents.”
“Also consider that you have a problem with them being controlling, and rightly so, but telling your fiancé that her parents that you don’t want them at your (and I mean the mutual “your”) wedding? I mean, by all means, advocate for yourself, but be careful of not being guilty of the very same thing her father is…..”
“Counselling is 100% a must before you go forward with anything. Because even if you win this battle, when it comes to grandkids, it’ll be all-out war.” – DeemedFit
“You and your finance need a 3rd party brought in to work through this. Make an appt for couples counseling. Perhaps a compromise if she really wants them there and is not just trying to please them is to have them attend but not play a role.”
“However you would both have to be ok with that. Having them walk her is not only sweeping what they did to her under the rug but you as well. I would not be ok with someone that was so hurtful playing a role in my wedding, but I can also understand she wants her parents there.”
“NTA but get help moving forward or the relationship will fall apart.” – TX_Krasher
“Healthy boundaries are needed with those two toxic pos excuses of parents. He is still your dad but he’s never acted like your dad so why should he get the biggest honor ever of walking her down the aisle. The comment that said to get couples therapy and therapy for her individually is a MUST.”
“She needs someone professional to tell her it’s ok to not give them that moment. They will always be a bad influence on your relationship. The first sign that she’s upset, they will start trying to break yall up.” – double_sundae265
“NTA.”
“But you need to postpone the wedding. Your fiancee needs individual therapy and you guys need couples counselling. Until you are both happy with the way things are with her parents, both now and in the future, the wedding should not take place.” – Cursd818
“NTA. She needs counseling, or she’s waving a giant red flag. She is setting this up to be a very difficult marriage. Unless you’re both planning on being dinks [duel income, no kids], then it will get worse with kids. ‘Still my dad’ is a cop-out to not face the fact that she quit having a dad once she was disowned.”
“They care more about appearances than they do her. Family would ask too many questions if they don’t show up. They will do it to her constantly, and she’ll forgive them because they know she will be weak and cave in. Is it worth it? “ – Dewlicious_Cloud
“NTA but please consider if you really want to marry this person. This is a glimpse of your future with her unless she gets the professional mental assistance she needs. She will let them get away with anything and make you the bad guy just to get their approval, imagine raising kids with her parents around. You really need to have a conversation and make some commitments if you want your relationship to survive.” – – Lian-with-I
Overall, Redditors supported the OP’s decision to deny his future father-in-law to engage in the treasured ritual, especially after he subjected the groom to such ill-treatment.
They also thought the fiancée’s reaction was concerning and indicative of some unresolved conflicts she needed to resolve in therapy.
The common advice given to the couple was for her to seek professional help and postpone the wedding.