No matter how well a relationship works, usually the members of the couple will like some things that the other person doesn’t like.
And while enjoying different restaurants or loving horror movies might not be a deal breaker, it’s still fun to find a way to enjoy these things, even if you can’t enjoy them with your partner, reasoned out the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThaiMaster44 had noticed that he and his wife liked most of the same restaurants, but there were a few that he liked that she abhorred so much, she would create a scene every time they tried to go there.
To avoid causing a scene, to still enjoy the food, and to get some quality time with his daughters, the Original Poster (OP) started having daddy-daughter dates at these restaurants, at least until his wife accused him of intentionally leaving her out of family time.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for going out without my wife and making her feel excluded?”
The OP and his wife did not like eating out at all the same restaurants.
“My wife (32 Female) and I (37 Male) both work full-time jobs and have two kids together (7 Female and 5 Female).”
“As a family, we like going out to eat; it passes the time, the girls have fun, and it’s mostly great. Mostly…”
“Here’s the problem, though: I feel like my wife just doesn’t like many of the restaurants I like.”
“First, she’s a pretty picky eater, so no fish, no seafood, no sushi. Also, over time, she slowly started vetoing the places I like for various reasons.”
“The pizza place I like? Oh, they mixed up her order, so she yelled at the waiter, made a scene, and swore never to come back. That BBQ place I like? Oh, that’s too expensive. That Thai restaurant? Oh, we always go there (we went there five times these past seven years, I counted).”
“Somehow, there’s always a reason not to go to the places I want to go. And for a while, we didn’t. So I just didn’t go. I’m an introverted person and don’t have many friends to go with, and over time, I just stopped going to places I liked to avoid the fight.”
When his daughters expressed an interest in these restaurants, he found a way to go again.
“But now? Now I have two girls who love going to these places.”
“They’re happy to go whenever, so every few weeks, we do a ‘dad date’ where we go to one of the places my wife doesn’t like.”
“This has been going on for a few months, and it’s been a blast. I get to go to the restaurants I like, my daughters eat all kinds of foods they otherwise wouldn’t, and I don’t have to try convincing my wife to go places she doesn’t want. Everybody wins!”
Then the OP’s wife started complaining about the “dad dates,” too.
“But now my wife says she feels excluded.”
“I told her she’s welcome to join us, I just want to go to these places I enjoy, and I’m happy I get to. I’d rather she come, but I’m okay if she doesn’t; it’s not like we don’t go out together, too.”
“She says I intentionally go to these places to exclude her because I know she wouldn’t come.”
“I explained that it’s not my fault she declared a blood vendetta on the waiter who had the audacity to bring her a regular Coke when she asked for a diet (she asked for a regular, I was literally there, but that’s a whole other fight), and she called me names.”
“So now she’s been sulking for hours, and I’m not sure if I should stop doing those ‘dad dates’ for a while, though frankly, I don’t want to stop, and I don’t think I’m being spiteful or unreasonable.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was awesome that he was spending time with his daughters.
“NTA. Most women would adore Dad taking the kids on dates and giving them time to themselves. At least I do.” – numbnumbsue
“NTA. What a wonderful way to hang out with your daughters. They will always remember these fun times with you. Maybe your wife needs to do similar experiences with your daughters, doing something you are not joyful about.”
“Generally, your wife is being unreasonable here.” – PipcosRevenge
“Don’t you dare stop the Daddy-Daughter Dates! These are giving you and your little girls memories to last a lifetime, and they will KNOW how precious they were to you.”
“Your wife should start a similar tradition with them, like a ‘Girls’ Night.’ And of course, you still need to keep Family Night for them.”
“But please, please also have Date Night for just you and your spouse, to show the girls that their mother is as special to you as they are. It will show them that they are being raised in love and respect for each member of the family.”
“While I understand that your wife’s issue with the waiter was wrong, please let it go. Time to make better memories with her, rather than holding on to old resentments.” – dannykel
“OP is for sure NTA. I’m a 43-year-old male, and my dad is now 62. I wish there were something comparable to daddy dates in my life when I was young. I would have taken literally anything that involved spending time with him.”
“He was a career military (22 years). While I was growing up, he was always deployed, or on a six-month cruise, or had duty. It added up to what I consider an absent father. We were fed, educated, and housed, of course, but when he was home with us, he, of course, knew nothing about us.”
“Time spent together always felt like interviews just so he could catch up with who we were becoming… then ‘until we meet again.'”
“OP is giving his children what I would argue a lot of children never benefit from: a present father.”
“This is not a woe is me type comment, although it kinda looks like it. Both my father and I are in good health, and I hope that someday I get the time with him on the back end that he was unable to give on the front end.” – spidey2091
“From the time my daughter was four, until she was 10, my wife would have to work some Saturdays. My Daughter and I would have ‘Hotdog Saturday.’ It was originally an excuse for me to try different hotdog joints all over the city without my wife (who is not a hot dog fan), but it definitely became a bonding experience for my daughter and me. She still talks about it.” – astrojmb
“Every time I get any kind of weekday off, it is ‘Dad-daughter zoo day.’ We spent the day at the zoo. She is five years old now and has probably been to the zoo like 30 times. It never gets old. I am positive she will remember these days when she is older and knows how much I cherished those times with her.” – Trumperekt
Others agreed and imagined that the OP’s wife must be insufferable.
“NTA. I wouldn’t want to go to a place where my partner would cause a scene either. Let her sulk. Maybe a timeout would be good for her.” – ParanoidWalnut
“NTA… your wife sounds miserable as f**k. Screaming at a waitress for bringing her the Coke she asked for instead of the Diet Coke she ordered in her head? That’s a different level of crazy.”
“Does she ever have any input or ideas on where to go? Cuz there’s nothing more annoying than someone that’s always complaining but never offers up any solutions.” – 2npac
“NTA. Your wife sounds insufferable. One of the biggest red flags about someone is treating wait staff and other service workers poorly.”
“I watch for this on dates. If you’re rude to any service worker or waitstaff, that’s a hard pass for me.”
“NTA, you’re giving her some alone time while you take the kids to places everyone but her wants to go. She’s being unreasonable.”
“I hope you keep taking your kids on dad dates. That’s so good for you and the kids to bond like this. They’ll cherish these memories and will probably be more adventurous eaters because of it.” – Christine4000
“NTA at all. Your wife, on the other hand… She sounds exhausting. Dude, you are absolutely allowed to go and dine at places without your wife. She doesn’t like the cuisine or that particular restaurant? Fine, not a problem, you can go without her, it’s perfectly fine.”
“She’s just being difficult, she needs to stop being a selfish d**k.” – WonderfulNecessary81
“As a bartender, I can’t stand your wife. I’ve never met a good person who yells at service staff because of a mistake.”
“People make mistakes every day in their jobs, people with far more consequential results than misringing your food, too. But people feel real big and important when someone forgets their ranch dressing and acts like you just punched their kid in the face. It’s a bad look. Treat people with respect even when they f**k up.”
“But also, NTA. She is included. She just chooses not to be included because she doesn’t like the things you like.”
“My wife and I like different things, and if one of us wants to do something with our kid that the other doesn’t like, we either go along and spend time together regardless, or we don’t care if the other person stays home/goes without us. You’re both adults. She’s acting like a child.” – AwkwardCalendar131
Few fellow Redditors could understand where the wife was coming from, as the OP explained that they still frequently went out to dinner at restaurants that she or both of them liked.
By taking his daughters to dinner, he not only got quality time with them and was able to model to them how they should be treated some day on dates, but he also got to enjoy restaurants he wouldn’t otherwise get to go to if it was left up to his wife.
More than likely, the subReddit theorized, the wife either was struggling with some kind of attachment or rejection sensitivity, or she had control issues, any of which would be difficult to navigate in a healthy relationship.