It's without question that moving is one of life's most stressful events.
Relationships have broken up over a move.
Minds can be pushed to the limit.
Even when the move seems well-planned, there is always some unforeseen drama.
That's why moving companies are overloaded with work.
Redditor movingdayaita wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA For telling my wife to never volunteer me to help her family again?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (38 F[emale]) and I (39 M[ale]) have been married for 8 years and have a 4-year-old son."
"My wife's younger brother (Joe) and his G[irl]F[riend] are moving into an apartment together at the beginning of June."
"But GF's lease is up at the end of April so she needed to move out of her place."
"But Joe currently lives in a studio apartment so he doesn't have room for all her stuff.""
"So they were going to move all of GF's stuff into a storage unit for a month until they get their new place together."
"A little over a month ago Joe had asked my wife if we would be able to help them move GF's stuff and she agreed."
"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] was supposed to watch our son so we could both help, but she fell ill and had to cancel."
"My wife suggested trying to get a babysitter for that day but I didn't want to spend hundreds on a babysitter to help someone move, that's dumb."
"And bringing a 4-year-old with us would not be helpful to anyone."
"This turned into an argument between us because she said I should help them move while she watches our son since I'm stronger than she is and I know how to drive our truck with a trailer."
"I told her that she should help them and have them rent a U-Haul for the day."
"We 'compromised' by telling Joe that I would help them but they need to get a U-Haul instead of using our truck and trailer."
"Then, the morning of the move (this past Saturday), my wife told me that a friend of her's got suite tickets through work to a hockey game for that day and invited them."
"Yes, suite tickets to a playoff hockey game."
"She said she would be bringing our son since her friend was bringing her kids too."
"Great, so not only do I get stuck helping someone move, but my wife and son get to go have an amazing experience together that I miss out on."
"And yes, this was my son's first major sporting event and I was missing it."
"And wouldn't you know it, Joe never got a U-Haul."
"And his GF wasn't even close to packed up and ready when I got there."
"I spent 7-8 hours and multiple trips back and forth helping them move."
"All the while my wife is sending pictures to our family group chat of how much fun they're having at the hockey game."
"When everyone was home that night, my wife was surprised that I wasn't in a good mood."
"She said that I acted like I barely cared when our son was telling us about the hockey game and how much fun it was."
"I asked her if she was seriously confused about why I was upset and she told me to tell her."
"So, I started railing off all the reasons I had to be pissed off."
"She volunteered me to help, and she got to spend the day doing something very special with our son that I missed out on, her brother and his GF were not prepared, and I had spent the entire day doing manual labor."
"I ended my little rant by telling her that she is never going to volunteer me to help her family ever again."
"She told me I was overreacting and I can't hold it against her that her friend invited them to the game."
"She also said I'm not being fair by blaming her for Joe and his GF."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Jeeeeeez NTA."
"She told me I was overreacting and I can't hold it against her that her friend invited them to the game."
"You're not holding it against her that her friend invited them to the game, that's ridiculous."
"You're upset that while she volunteered and strong-armed you into doing this favor, she apparently was having a grand old time."
"How callous do you have to be to not only continuously send pictures of their good time while you're stuck doing something SHE made you do, but then to pretend you're upset because she was invited by a friend?"
"I'm guessing you couldn't care less that she was invited."
"I'm guessing what actually hurts is her blatant disregard for your time and energy."
"On top of that, missing your son's first like that."
"She also said I'm not being fair by blaming her for Joe and his GF."
"Remind me who volunteered you for the job?" ~ ashleighbuck
"I think the wife knows she was in the wrong, so she tried to change the argument."
"It was almost successful, too, and made OP doubt himself enough to make this post." ~ UteLawyer
"I can see it being about the game as well."
"I have friends for whom taking their son to his first big sporting event would be an event on par with first words or first steps."
"It would hurt them deeply to miss that." ~ ACorania
"NTA. If your B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] and his girlfriend weren't packed when you arrived, you should have left and told them to call you when they were done packing."
"If someone asks for assistance moving it implies they are packed." ~ Peony-Pony
"NTA. I've helped a lot of people move and NOT A SINGLE ONE was totally ready to move."
"It's a spectrum and most are on the 'not totally packed and definitely haven't cleaned' end."
"Then he didn't even bother with the UHaul."
"She knew she was setting you up for a s**t day as soon as she said she was staying home to watch your son."
"Going to the hockey game was just the cherry on your s**t sundae." ~ C_Majuscula
"NTA OP, I'm someone who compulsively helps basically anyone and everyone I am in a position to help- what I hate, however, is being volun*-told* that I'm going to help someone."
"Especially, when that person I'm going to help hasn't even done the bare minimum to help themselves."
"If hockey is your thing, then that's a double d**k move on the part of your wife."
"Either she needed to be with you, helping, or her brother could find someone else to help." ~ Baileythenerd
"NTA- It's deeply inconsiderate of your wife to volunteer you without asking your permission first, and doubly so of her for accusing you of 'blaming her for Joe and his GF' when she was the one that volunteered you to clean up their mess."
"Next time they need help in any way that is a meaningful time or energy commitment, if your wife thinks they need the help that bad she can go." ~ JohnStalvern
"I'd be livid if I was OP."
"Not to mention the gall to steal the first game with the son."
"OP should stand his ground until he gets a sincere apology, and she doesn't get to volunteer him for ANYTHING going forward." ~ dirtybirty4303
"NTA. She never should have agreed in the first place without your input."
"With no babysitter, she should have called and postponed the move."
"An aside: When there was no trailer and they hadn't packed, you should have said, 'Okay, we'll try for another day after you're actually ready and prepared to move.'" ~ extinct_diplodocus
"NTA but your wife sure is."
"I'd say you're no longer available to help her family."
"And maybe try some couples counseling because she is really insensitive and dismissive." ~ frandiam
"NTA- You missed out on quality family time to help her family."
"You were probably trying to hold in the fuming rage when your son was trying to tell you about the game and you seemed barely interested."
"I can see how this was a rock and a hard place and I have made the move several times when people commit to coming by to help with a move and then they don't show up."
"But I would rather someone not come to help move if they are going to begrudge coming, or bring their kids that are underfoot or need to be watched (been there too)."
"I belong to a religious community where helping people move is such an iconic act of service that it also becomes the brunt of some hilarious jokes."
"So needless to say I have seen my days of hot, cold, easy, to back-breakingly difficult moves and I would never volunteer an enemy let alone a friend or a loved one to move."
"Then to go off and enjoy the day at an awesome game is like when reminds me of the immortal words spoken by Max 'While you're at it why don't you give me a nice paper-cut and then pour lemon juice on it!'" ~ kRag_the_terrible
"NTA. The minute she professed incredulity that you were indicating your day totally sucked versus hers… she lost all credibility."
"Definitely tell her she's not volunteering you to do anything for anyone anymore, especially her family." ~ dart1126
"I give you a lot of credit for not telling BIL and his GF to call you when GF was totally packed and if you were still home, you'd come back."
"And heading home."
"Have I not totally finished packing on a moving day?"
"Sure but not so not finished that it was a massive undertaking to finish."
"Forget Joe cheaping out and not getting a Uhaul. NTA." ~ rak1882
"NTA ever for being upset about being 'voluntold.'" ~ IrradiantFuzzy
Well, OP, Reddit is with you here.
There is nothing more frustrating than doing people a favor when they are completely unprepared.
This is why getting people to help with moving can be like pulling teeth.
Once you're both in a calmer place, you and your wife may need to have a very real sit-down about this situation.
And don't answer the phone when Joe and the GF call for help next month.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp