The necessities of life seem to be getting more and more expensive. The basics should be cheaper, but the prices keep climbing. And, of course, most growing kids want brand name everything.
But are brand name basics necessary?
And is there an exact price that screams too much?
Redditor Tricky_Can4499 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to spend $12 for my son's deodorant that doesn't work?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My son is 10 and it became clear this week that he needed to start using deodorant. "
"He was super excited."
"I use that $3 Arm and Hammer deodorant, which works wonders."
"Any other deodorant I've used didn't work."
"I took Brad to the store, and he wanted that Bigfoot deodorant."
"That stuff was $12 for the same size as my $3 stuff."
"I decided to be a cool dad and buy him it."
"All week I've been asking him if he's been using it and even making sure he puts it on."
"He does, but it's not strong enough."
"I told him to use mine, and he didn't want to, but he didn't smell."
"Today, I told him that I was sorry, but he was going to start using the same brand that I use."
"He said he didn't like mine and wanted the Bigfoot stuff."
"I told him no."
"He said that I just didn't want to buy it."
"I said yes it's expensive and doesn't even work."
"The reason why he wants it is because that's what the cool boys use."
"I figured that out after I saw them smelling each other's armpits after school and laughing."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"There are NAH, but I suggest that you take a far more collaborative and flexible approach to the big deodorant question."
"Tell him that you will not buy the ineffective brand but that you will help him find one that works for him."
"Set a price range and try to find some travel sizes."
"Mitchum is usually good for even the stinkiest boys."
"That Arm and Hammer stuff is kind of gross." ~ EmceeSuzy
"NAH. The kid wants cool stuff (like Axe was when I was a kid), and you want something that works."
"Just saying: you do NOT need deodorant at all."
"Just wash yourself adequately, teach your son the same, and maybe wash your armpits if you don't shower every day."
"You'll maybe smell for a few days because your body gets adjusted to no deodorant, but after that, it's neutral smells all around." ~ nebenbaum
"To further add to this, encourage your son to be a 'trendsetter.'"
"I couldn't afford the items kids my age were getting, so I always felt left out until my sister gave me a different perspective."
"She taught me to shop for myself and told me best case scenario, I set the trend."
"Worst case scenario, maybe some stares or comments, but it was high school, and that's inevitable in any capacity."
"If all the cool guys are wearing one scent, try finding one your son regards as better." ~ Iknowuknowmeknowu
"But you don't understand! It's good enough for him, so god dammit, it's gonna be good enough for his son too, and if he complains, then dad's gonna give him something else to complain about!"
"In this very specific situation, OP is NTH but much of the way he talks is ringing some alarm bells for me." ~ YogSoth0th
"It's one thing to say his choice isn't working well."
"It is another to say that his choice not working means by default he needs exactly what you use."
"There are other brands, and you could let him try a few from the more reasonable price range to see if any work better."
"He may still be unhappy not using exactly what his friends use but he may be more agreeable to compromise."
"I feel ESH, but for different reasons, nobody is really all that bad here." ~ House_of_Owl_and_Cat
"This is a great answer."
"I'd like to add a suggestion..."
"Does he have an allowance?"
"What if you provide him with basic deodorant, but tell him if he wants something fancier he can buy it with his own allowance."
"If he doesn't have an allowance, now might be a good time to start giving him one and let him learn some basic budgeting and saving skills."
"Even on 5-10 dollars a week he'd be able to save up and support his deodorant habits if he chose, but it would come at the cost of spending it on something else." ~ Dpan
"That's exactly what I thought about; it will leave the option to buy it up to him, so he can't be mad at anybody, and he still learns from it because that is money he won't have available for other things."
"If he smells bad because the deodorant doesn't work for him and he ignored Dad's advice he will soon enough find out in school."
"The other kids will let him know, maybe in a way that he doesn't like because kids can be cruel but that's just something he will have to deal with then." ~ only_crank
"He needs an antiperspirant."
"The stuff he wants is a deodorant only."
"Buy him the body wash in the Bigfoot brand and have him pick out a different antiperspirant."
"You can even buy him the Bigfoot lotion which he can't apply for the perfume effect."
"At the end of the day, you want him to care about hygiene and not stink."
"This can be accomplished with problem-solving." ~ Girl_with_no_Swag
"OP this is a great solution."
"Your kid is in a big social environment all day and is trying to fit in, you want him to smell better, this can fix both."
"And given that he's only using the fancy stuff for smell he'll probably use a lot less at a time so hopefully it isn't bank-breaking, otherwise allowance money can help him get the next stick." ~ Elair
"NTA. But maybe let him try out different brands and see (with your help) what works for him?"
"That way, it won't seem like you're making the decision for him, which I think is what he's upset about."
"I'm not a parent, but I remember being frustrated at that age bc my mom was still picking out clothes and perfume for me when I wanted to pick stuff too." ~ Mysterious-Stock-948
"I think this is the way."
"I think Old Spice is now for younger guys and they have great fragrances."
"Just take him to Target and have him check some brands out."
"I do think $12 feels like a lot but might be worth it to incentivize him to wear it but no point if it doesn't work." ~ Unhappy-Prune-9914
"I don't see the point in spending 12 bucks on a deodorant that doesn't work, but let him help pick something else rather than just using yours."
"There are plenty of cheap deodorants that work fine."
"I personally use unscented Mitchum because it works well and doesn't clash with cologne, but Right Guard and Old Spice work well and come in a lot of scents."
"And they're cheap." ~ professorfunkenpunk
"If it's the brand I think it's an all-natural deodorant what he needs is an antiperspirant and with him being a teenage boy almost certainly to just clean himself better in the shower."
"To be fair I actually like this brand of Halloween scents and as a large fat man in Texas heat they hold up pretty well so likely his kid just needs to clean better, rub his pits with alcohol after the shower, use an unscented antiperspirant or something like an alum stick under the squatch deodorant." ~ StinkyTurd89
"NAH. I would just be like 'Hey bud adults use deodorant because as we get older we get smelly and sweaty and it's nice to try to smell good.'"
"'The deodorant you picked out is really cool, but it just doesn't work. Let's go back to the store, and you can try another one.'"
"I think it's important to let him pick."
"Especially because deodorant lasts sooo long, what's the harm if it's a couple of extra bucks." ~ gobdude467
"NAH. There are more than two brands."
"Go back to the store and look for something else to try that he does like."
"Something that is an antiperspirant deodorant."
"Most brands I know have multiple scents to choose from as well."
"When you first start using something it can take a few tries of different brands and scents before you find something you like and works for you." ~ 2tinymonkeys
"NAH. I'm not sure if he understands you just want him not to stink."
"The message may have gotten lost between his Bigfoot and your Arm and Hammer."
"It's not the brand, it's the stink!!!"
"Be clear that you don't want him to be embarrassed by body odor, and let him try a couple of other brands until he finds one that passes the smell test."
"He can be his own man as long as he smells April fresh." ~ Aware_Welcome_8866
"So compromise. Let him pick a different brand that isn't the one you use but is one that will work."
"Get him the body wash and body spray of the brand he wants to use that didn't work so he still smells like his friends."
"He doesn't want your Arm and Hammer because he views it as an uncool dad brand."
"Let the kid have some individuality in his choices."
"He doesn't need to use exactly what you do."
"Have him try the newer old spice scents."
"They work great, aren't expensive and there are several gift sets right now with shampoo, body wash, body spray, and deodorant."
"He might also do best with a dry spray deodorant instead of stick kinds."
"I found that the spray ones worked best for my teen boy's body odor." ~ MoulanRougeFae
"Whatever he uses, make sure it's an antiperspirant and find a scent he's comfortable with."
"Problem solved."
"NAH, but you can't expect a 10-year-old is going to want the same as you, or that it will be as effective." ~ Fievel93
"NTA, but explore other deodorants before settling on yours."
"I myself run extremely hot and I NEED to use deodorant with an antiperspirant or I sweat like a hose."
"It could just be his body type needing a specific deodorant." ~ pauldarkandhandsome
"NAH. I really get how it feels not having the same stuff the other kids at school have but you do have the right to economize."
"I suppose you could set a budget for his personal care stuff, and then he can decide what to get out of that."
"If he really really wants the expensive deodorant, he can have that, but he's going to have to compromise somewhere else." ~ pensivegargoyle
"NAH. He doesn't want to use the same deodorant you use."
"You need him to pick something that works better than the ineffective 'cool' brand."
"Take him back to the store and give him choices between options that are more likely to work." ~ Scrabblement
"NAH- he wants the same one in his locker that the cool kids have."
"How about you have him take the Bigfoot to his school locker and find an affordable brand for home?"
"It's deodorant, not a pair of Jordans." ~ nowaynohowanyway
"NAH and son should try to understand that smelling bad and wearing the 'cool' deodorant is worse by far than smelling good with lame deodorant." ~ Salt_Initiative1551
Growing boys are a load of fun, aren't they OP?
Reddit agrees with your assessment.
$12 is too much to waste on anything ineffective. It sounds like a day of smell sampling might be in order. Hopefully, he'll move on and buy whatever works sooner rather than later.
Most kids do.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp