The world would be a much happier place if everyone had complete control of their emotions.
But while we all might be able to put on a good face or take a deep breath and remain calm, no one is capable of hiding or suppressing how they truly feel.
And even the most level-headed people often find their emotions getting the better of them, leading them to say or do something they will come to regret.
Redditor Basurero_moral was doing his best to juggle working, taking care of his household, and caring for his wife in the midst of a high risk pregnancy.
Needless to say, it was steadily proving to me a bit too much for the original poster (OP) to handle.
Eventually culminating in the OP losing his temper at his wife, after she interrupted him at a very inconvenient moment.
Wondering if he was completely out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my wife she's making my life harder than it needs to be?"
The OP explained why how his bedridden, pregnant wife finally sent him over the edge:
"So here's the thing, I (30M) and my wife (32F) are expecting our second baby."
"She's having a high risk pregnancy so she's bedridden."
"She's been bedridden for 2 months now."
"I have a remote job with incredibly flexible hours, so I've been taking care of my wife, my toddler, the house and my job during this time."
"Lately, my wife is getting more 'needy' she asks for things that are too time consuming or asks me for things that are just distractions like, go to the store for ice cream, change my pillows, go play with the kid like I usually do."
"I asked her to let me work because lately I hadn't been filling my 8 hours a day quota because of all the things she asks me to do, plus my job, plus cooking, plus taking care of the kid."
"Today, I had a meeting."
"It was important and I asked her to please don't bother me during the meeting."
"But somehow, she managed to generate a short circuit that fried the bedroom TV, panicked and made my kid panic and started bleeding from the stress."
"I had to call the meeting short and got reprimanded at my job."
"Had to check what else got damaged, calmed down my kid and cleaned up my wife."
"I'm the sole bread earner at the house and money is tight, I got stressed about losing our main source of income and I snapped at her."
"I asked her what the hell was her problem and why did she needed to make my life so hard."
"She started crying and called me an a-hole, then called her parents who came and picked her up calling me an a-hole as well."
"I understand that pregnancy is hard and high risk pregnancy is harder, but I just asked for 1 hour not to be bothered, was that too much to ask?"
"By the way, if you were wondering what caused the short, she plugged in an electric mosquito swatter and spilled her water while it was turned on."
"Am I the a**hole?
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell into this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for snapping at his wife.
Many people agreed that it was a stressful situation for everyone.
They agreed that the OP was right to be worried about losing his job but pointed out that his wife was in a vulnerable position as well.
"NAH."
"It's a very stressful situation for you all."
"You need help as you can't afford to lose your job (which probably also includes your insurance)."
"Can anyone provide some assistance or child care while you work?"- Holiday_Trainer_2657
"NAH."
"You're in an impossible situation."
"She absolutely cannot be solely responsible for looking after a toddler, for any amount of time, if she's on bed rest."
"You absolutely cannot be responsible for a toddler during the 8 hours of work time that you need to put in."
"This whole situation needs to be reviewed - you need childcare for your working hours."
"What you are trying to do now is not working and will continue not to work, as it's impossible and not reasonable to ask of either of you."- Silly_Hunter_1165
Others completely understood the OP's frustrations, agreeing that he was much too overextended, with some wondering why the OP's in-laws weren't providing more help:
"NTA."
"You can't be everywhere all at once. If her parents could come over at short notice and take her away, they can pitch in and help out."
"You need a roster."
"Explain NICELY why you're feeling overwhelmed and frustrated."- greymedusa
"NTA."
"Shes high risk, she's not stupid and disabled."
"She should have just chilled out for 1 hour."
"And ice cream is really not a priority."
"She's pregnant, but that doesn't mean all sh*t goes out the window."
"If you lose your job, then what?"
"Who's going to pay for the bills?"
"Your in-laws could have stepped in WAAAAY before this and helped out, but no, they didn't."
"They really aren't in any position to judge you."
"In fact, why didn't they offer to help in the first place."
"This is all just too much for one person to deal with."
"OP clarified that 'I yelled at her because she didn't need to use the swatter, it didn't need charging, she just was bored and she was poking around the bed what could she do from there'."
"Wife 100% caused the accident."
"While OP doesn't understand that a little spotting is already concerning, neither does the wife because she's going around doing tasks that don't need attention, instead of following doctors orders."- ExpertPaint430
"OP is NTA for struggling."
"Pregnant women can't do any heavy lifting, especially with heavy bleeding."
"Some people in this comment section have no idea how hard it is for OP's wife in her current condition and just think she can prance around the house collecting ice cream deliveries and changing pillows by herself."
"Fetal hemoglobin has a different composition to the adult mother's hemoglobin which allows babies to receive oxygen better than the mother."
"OP's wife is breathless, tired and has a baby pushing up against all her organs PLUS she has all of the additional complexities of being high risk."
"OP is working hard, he just needs some help with his wife and the other child."
"It's stressful for them all."
"Everyone's pregnancies are different - people can be forgetful or unbalanced or make poor judgements due to hormones, the additional weight and stress."
"OP's wife also has the psychological element of seeing lots of blood come from her whilst she's pregnant - it can be really upsetting (yes, even if women get periods, this type of bleeding has more emotional weight given that she's carrying a child)."
"Have some empathy for them both."
"She can't do as much as some of you are saying."
"OP needs to find extra help from somewhere - some maternity groups may do house visits for mental health etc., so look into that."- ichirin-no-hana
"NTA."
"The moment she is preventing him from working, that's the problem."
"It's not like OP is not doing things for her, he also needs to work."
"He's the only one bringing in money."
"If he's jobless, it's gonna be more harder."
"She's a grown adult."
"She should be able to at least understand there's time and place."- servnc*ntt
"I spent 5 months on 'don't let your foot touch the floor' bedrest; full nonweight-bearing for five whole months and 6 days."
"There is no excuse for this level of demanding entitled behavior."
"Cooking a human doesn't entitle the level of servitude your wife is demanding—nothing does."
"For contrast, I would text 'I'm hungry can you please bring me a snack when you can'."
"He didn't ask what I wanted but would bring me what he had time for."
"It was always something I liked."
"It would be delivered."
"I'd say 'thanks' get a smoochie and he'd go back to work and then I'd find out what my snack was."
"I didn't complain about it or ask for edits because he was working."
"I was just happy I was looked after."
"If he had time in his day he'd ask for requests."
"We did this everyday for months without issue with work."
"I read my husband your post and he said don't worry you weren't like that and then I read him the update and he said I would have left you if you'd behaved like that, that shows an incredible lack of appreciation and respect."
"NTA."- stonecoldrosehiptea
Everyone has their limits.
With everything the OP is trying to juggle in his life, it would be astonishing if this was the first time he snapped at his wife.
Needless to say, his wife's emotions are volatile with everything she's going through.
But maybe a calm night with her parents will help her realize everything her husband also has to deal with and why his temper ended up getting the better of him.
Then, call in some reinforcements to help during important work calls.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp