Though we know that no one is perfect, we would practically never expect our closest loved ones to hurt us.
But then they do something unexpected, and we struggle to face the truth, empathized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Key-Introduction9900 was shocked when he received a text from his sister-in-law (SIL) making claims about how hard it was to live with a pregnant woman like her sister, and offering to take care of him while his wife was pregnant.
Shocked by the offer, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure how to break the bad news to his wife.
He asked the sub:
"My pregnant wife's sister offered to sleep with me. AITAH if I tell her?"
The OP received a shocking text from his sister-in-law (SIL).
"My wife (24 Female) and I (24 Male) have been together for three years and married for about six months now. We found out that we're going to be parents and we are both very excited."
"We told our families over the weekend and everyone was happy for us."
"This morning, I got a text from my wife's sister (21 Female), saying that she knows that women can get emotionally and physically abusive and can put a stop to intimacy during pregnancy. She said that she is willing to 'help' me out anytime sexually or emotionally during and after the pregnancy."
The OP knew this would hurt his wife's relationship with her sister.
"Obviously, I have no interest in anyone other than my wife but how do I tell her what her sister offered?"
"My wife has always been there for her sister and they have always been super close. Her sister was the MOH (Maid of Honor) at our wedding."
"I don't want my wife to lose that bond and it would destroy her if she found out that her sister was willing to betray her like that."
"At the same time, her sister is a snake and is willing to ruin our marriage and the life of her soon-to-be-nephew/niece for what I'm guessing is a childish crush on me."
He was at a loss for how to break the text to his wife.
"My first priority is my wife and unborn child, and anyone else can go to h**l. How do I approach this situation? There is literally no good outcome."
"I can tell my wife tonight. She will be absolutely devastated. I will always be there for her and I know her parents will be on her side, but losing a 20-year bond with her sibling while in such a vulnerable state sounds terrible."
"How can I possibly tell my wife that the sister she loved and looked after for so many years, wanted to sleep with her husband while she was pregnant?"
"If I don't tell her soon and tell her later, she may lose her trust in me. If I don't tell her at all, my wife will be close with someone who clearly does not care for her and could easily betray her again in the future."
"AITAH if I go ahead with telling her?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to tell his wife as soon as possible about his sister-in-law (SIL)'s text.
"Sorry dude, you have to tell your wife tonight! Otherwise, your SIL is going to twist it and try to make it look like this was YOUR idea!"
"Key, SHOW YOUR WIFE THE TEXT. It's proof that your wife's sister was hitting on you, not the other way around. It will also show your wife that you are not hiding anything, and not attempting to hide anything."
"I don't think you can avoid hurting your wife at all in this situation, but you can at least minimize any hurt, by being open with her. And if she asks why you didn't show her SIL'S text as soon as you read it, tell her the truth about that too: you didn't know how to handle it, and you didn't want this situation to hurt or worry her."
"Keep this in mind, going forward: AS A GENERAL RULE, not a specific one, most of the pain inflicted by this kind of situation will be spared by partners trusting each other to be open with them about ANYTHING."
"Think about that. How would you feel, if five or ten years from now, you found out that your best friend was repeatedly making passes at your wife? And even if he wasn't doing it anymore, would that make any difference to the way you felt about her?" - daylily61
"He should explain his concerns while telling her, in my opinion. It'll show how much he cares and respects her by saying, 'I really wish this didn't happen bc I don't want you to lose your sister but...' And show her the text. I'd block the sister too so it shows he doesn't want her contacting him due to this." - Similar-Permission
"Reply to her with a simple 'no' then show your wife before your SIL does. If she's willing to ruin your marriage with an offer, then she's willing to ruin it by making it seem like you're happy to keep something from your wife." - megwyn9
"OP could preface it by saying, 'Hey, I don't know why your sister sent me this, but I am not okay with it, even if she's joking or drunk.'"
"But either way, OP needs to tell his wife immediately. If he doesn't, he could very quickly be the AH in this situation." - Carbon-Base
"You need to tell her now. Text her now saying you need to talk tonight so it doesn't look like you're sitting on this info."
"Maybe don't tell her you asked the internet for advice, I would be humiliated about that part if I were her. Even if it is mostly anonymous."
"But yeah, tell her now before her sister makes some s**t up about you and gets to her first." - Witchgrass
"OP, your honest, loyal, and loving relationship takes precedent over protecting her from knowing her sister is a disgusting backstabbing b***h. It's going to hurt, but it will hurt her so much more to know you kept it from her." - queen0fgreen
A few pondered if this was a test of the OP, which he would also need to address.
"Would your wife ever have told her to do it to see how you reacted?" - Wrong-Somewhere-5225
"Whether this was a real text or a test, the longer you take to tell her, the worse it could be. If you don't respond to the sister, she might panic and get to your wife first." - Thatsthetea123
"My cynical a** was like, 'The wife put her sister up to this as a test because she's feeling scared.' I f**kin' hate the world, man."
"But hey, maybe it's just a devious a** little sister trying to get back at her big sister for some s**t that happened in middle school or something, what do I know?"
"Either way, the OP should check in with his wife." - Leveloutlandishness1
"Pregnancy can mess with unstable, jealous sisters (the non-pregnant one)."
"My wife had to cut her sister off because she was mental when my wife was pregnant. Texting her every day telling her that her husband (me) is probably cheating on her etc."
"After our daughter was born. We tried to give SIL a second chance and made every effort to be nice to her and let her be a part of the family. But no, she couldn't hold it together. She snapped and went mental on a family holiday and ended up punching our four-year-old daughter in the back of the head."
"Sometimes, you gotta know when to cut someone out of your life. Before the s**t hits the fan." - who_farted_this_time
"Playing games like that is so f**ked up. In this scenario, not only does the sister look like a h*e, but then the wife is also playing manipulation games. The husband goes from worrying about how to tell his wife this horrible news, to learning that his wife set him up; with sis as an accomplice to her schemes."
"My husband would leave me so fast for such a betrayal."
"If this is a test, the relationship could suffer from trust issues for a very long time, and may never repair. Not to mention, being pregnant is a very delicate time, especially when it comes to emotions; not just physical health."
"Stress can literally kill a pregnancy (I know from experience). Why set your husband up to fail; to then destroy your relationship at the top of your starting a family together?" - tooshytotellsoihide
Others reminded the OP that his SIL was ruining the relationship, not him.
"The O.P.'s wife's relationship with her sister is probably going to be permanently affected. That's unfortunate, but if the O.P.'s own relationship with his wife is going to survive unharmed, then damage to his wife's relationship with her sister IS UNAVOIDABLE."
"And as a woman, I can tell you that even knowing that her sister would betray her would be WAY less painful than thinking her husband would."
"If the O.P. is loyal to his wife AND open with her, it's possible that she and her sister might reconcile one day. But if she thinks he knowingly deceived her, whether or not she's right about that, she's not likely ever to forgive her husband OR her sister." - ElectroshockGamer
"NTA."
"This is a very simple solution, OP. Rip the bandaid off, and tell your wife."
"Your wife's sister betrayed you, your wife, your marriage, and her family the second she tried to inject that toxicity into your relationship."
"This type of person is the same kind of manipulative excrement that will turn around and say she was testing your loyalty to her sister (your wife) if you give her any warning at all that you might tell your wife. Don't give her any opportunity to manipulate you. Tell your wife the truth before she has a chance to twist facts and destroy your marriage."
"Your wife's devastation will pale in comparison to pussy-footing the situation in a way that calls your loyalty into question. Sister needs to be dealt with swiftly and decisively now."
"She did the FA (f**k around) part and now she needs to FO (find out). Better now than later." - Adept_Ad_473
"NTA. Your relationship with your wife is the most important thing now, more than anything, including her relationship with her sister. I'd let your wife know and tell her obviously you are not going to take up her sister's offer." - TheLeadSearcher
"Absolutely do not respond to the text. Take the text to your wife and say, 'What in the world is your sister on? Is she drinking? Is she joking? This is insane,' and just show it to her."
"It's up to your wife to decide how to react to this. They are close. She knows her well. Just support your wife in whatever she decides."
"You are her partner; please trust me, this is the best course of action, and she needs to know now. You two are a team."
"Tell her now. Good luck!" - waterfallwishes
"Showing your wife the message is the only method where you have control of the situation, and you won't constantly worry that the sister is going to suddenly bring it up in a disingenuous way."
"I understand the concern about the impact it's going to have on her relationship with her sister but that's the sister's fault, not yours. Plus, all you would be preserving would be a façade of a close relationship where she wouldn't do something like that. Why put yourself at risk to preserve something that's not genuine?"
"You could perhaps start off by saying, 'Has your sister ever had any times where she's behaved out of character or struggled with her mental health in the past?' You never know, it could be something like that if this is out of character for her."
"Plus it's a nonzero chance this is some kind of weird test to see if you tell the wife, so telling her knocks any negative outcome from that on the head." - Wulf_Cola
While the subReddit had some suspicions about what the sister was thinking or if this was a test created by the OP's wife and her sister, they still insisted that the OP talk to his wife about this as soon as possible.
The more time he allowed to pass before talking to her, the more likely the OP's wife would suspect that he was entertaining an idea that he had no interest in.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp