Making life-altering decisions regarding one's health can have far-reaching consequences.
It's always nice when these decisions aren't an emergency and there is time to think over many options and scenarios.
However, because of the consequences, the question of who gets a say in the situation is often brought up.
And the answers can be murky.
Who makes the "Need-to-Know" shortlist?
Redditor mybodyaita wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA For not telling my ex-wife that I reversed my vasectomy?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My ex-wife, Jen (38 F[emale), and I (42 M[ale]) were married for 8 years before divorcing during the pandemic 4 years ago."
"We have 2 kids together (13 M and 10 F) who we share custody of and co-parent well together."
"At her suggestion, I got a vasectomy after our daughter was born."
"I got remarried about a year ago to my new wife, Cari (34 F)."
"Cari does not have kids but has always wanted a family."
"After many discussions prior to our engagement, I agreed to reverse my vasectomy to try to start a family with Cari."
"I had the reversal procedure done just after our wedding."
"Cari and I found out about a month ago that she is pregnant."
"She is currently about 15 weeks."
"We have not told anyone about the pregnancy until recently."
"I wanted to wait until I had an opportunity to tell my kids in person that they are going to have a younger sibling."
"Now that they are done with school, I had that chance this past weekend."
"Both of my kids were very excited and happy to hear the news."
"They get along great with Cari and are excited to have a new baby bro/sis."
"After I told the kids, they wanted to call their mom and tell her about it too."
"I was a little apprehensive because I didn't know how Jen would react and tried to convince them to let me tell her first, but my son ended up telling her via text before that."
"Jen sent me a text a few minutes later basically asking me WTF I was thinking."
"I texted her back saying that I would prefer not to have this conversation over text and asked if she was free for a chat."
"She said she wasn't and sent a flurry of texts asking me a bunch of questions."
"I again told her I would prefer to have this conversation in person or on the phone."
"She finally called me later that night and was not happy."
"She told me that I should have told her I reversed my vasectomy so that she could talk to our kids about it."
"I told her that my body and my life with Cari is not her business and that neither of our kids even know I had a vasectomy, let alone know what a vasectomy is."
"I've never told them I had one so why would I tell them I reversed it."
"She told me that since this is going to have a huge impact on our kid's lives that I should have told her about it first."
"She said that it is her business when it will directly impact our kids."
"I told her that it is my body and that my health choices are of no concern to her anymore."
"The conversation started getting heated and I ended the call before things got too far."
"Jen has since calmed down and sent a text congratulating Cari and me."
"But she still maintains that I should have notified her of my decision to reverse my vasectomy before things got to a point where Cari was pregnant."
"She thinks that she had a right to know since it will impact our kids."
"I think she has no right to any information regarding what I decide to do with my body unless it is life-threatening."
"My marriage and life with Cari is not information that my ex-wife has any right to."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. My dad got a vasectomy when my parents were married then got it reversed (and later re-done) when he and my stepmom had my brother."
"I was like 17 when he got the reversal."
"I CANNOT overstate how much I wish I hadn't known about any of it." ~ Little-Extreme-4027
"My parents told me about Dad's vasectomy when I was eight to the point that I was drawing diagrams in the playground sand to explain the difference between a vasectomy and a pet being neutered to my classmates."
"I think they may have overshared a bit." ~ Raebee_
"I agree with you- your body your business."
"Once the divorce was final she lost all right to lecture about your choices."
"As far as the kids go, you're their dad and have as much say in their lives as she does."
"She doesn't have to like it but it's really none of her business. NTA." ~ Connect_Watercress73
"Plus how and when to tell the kids is YOUR decision, why would she get first dibs at sharing your news with them? NTA." ~ tjbsl
"I disagree. OP, you're a massive a**hole for not telling your vasectomy reversal news to your ex, your kids, me, all of Reddit, your boss, your neighbors, the postal/delivery/utility workers at your home, your 3rd-grade teacher, etc."
"In fact, I am appalled you did not hold a State of the Sausage address on your social media."
"I mean, would it have been that difficult for you to show some consideration for us?"
"We all signed up for your ScroteWatch alerts!"
"Seriously, she signed papers divorcing you 4 years ago."
"It doesn't matter how well you two co-parent."
"She doesn't share news about her irregular periods with you, you don't share news about your semen recipe with her."
"A judge said so."
"NTA. is between you, your wife, your doctor, your testicles, and your urethra."
"That's it." ~ PrideofCapetown
"This. In normal families, parents don't ask their kids for permission to f**k or have more children."
"Given that infertility and miscarriage are a thing, most parents wait until they are further along to announce to the kids."
"I had the shock of my life when my parents had a surprise (to everyone!) baby when I was 16 - we were all fine."
"The ex-wife doesn't need to feature in breaking the news- if he is a decent dad, he is capable of having that conversation with his kids."
"But it makes sense for the ex to find out immediately after that so she can support the kids if they have complex feelings."
"But nobody needs to tell anyone outside of the couple if they are trying for a baby."
"That's private information."
"The kids don't need to know and the ex certainly doesn't need to know."
"Has she been telling him if she's still using the pill?"
"Or every time she sleeps with someone?"
"She needs to learn appropriate boundaries."
"They are not friends."
"They are not partners/spouses."
"They are co-parents only."
"What happens to his genitals with other women is not her concern."
"I think the ex-wife is the one who is shaken."
"Because OP is continuing a new family with his new partner and she is struggling to process that."
"A lot of exes REALLY struggle when a person moves on in life, especially if they are now living their dream life with a new partner." ~ linerva
"Your ex probably believed that she would be the only one to have children with you, giving her a special connection that you would never share with your current wife."
"You didn't owe her a heads-up about the reversal, if she chooses to have another child with a future partner is she going to ask for your blessing? Highly doubtful."
"The two of you are divorced and you don't need her permission or her blessing to have children with your wife."
"This is a personal matter between you and your partner. NTA." ~ Wisdomofpearl
"NTA You didn't know if your reversal would be a success or whether you and Cari would conceive."
"It wouldn't have been appropriate for your ex to expect you to fill her in until now."
"I think she just got taken by surprise and reacted poorly."
"I'm glad she sent a congrats text later." ~ FloofyDireWolf
"NTA - She found out when it was appropriate, she has no right to your medical history or what procedures you have had or plan on having."
"That's just silly." ~ Ok-Patience-8626
"What's more silly is that she demanded to know about this so she could tell their kids about the vasectomy and that their father reversed it."
"Why would you ever have a conversation about this topic with your kids?"
"I hope she hasn't had conversations similar to this with the kids before, that's just weird."
"NTA, your wife is insecure and jelly." ~ Carbon-Base
"My wife straight up told me she was happy I was getting a vasectomy because it meant even if we broke up, nobody else would be able to have kids with me."
"So it's probably that and she doesn't want to admit that to you."
"She's using your kids as a shield to cover how mad she is that she's not your only baby mama."
"NTA, she's gotta get over it." ~ SoCalThrowAway7
"NTA - Your ex-wife is entitled, jealous, and completely out of line."
"Your body, your choice, and she's just using the 'but it affects our kids!' angle because she's jealous and mad."
"Screw that."
"You informed your kids when you found out you were pregnant, and you did owe them that."
"Neither your ex-wife nor your not-even-teen-aged kids get to decide if you have more children."
"Full stop. Period. Easy peasy." ~Aggressive-Bed3269
"You did nothing wrong and it's heartwarming to see a husband stand up for his wife while also keeping a healthy relationship between everyone."
"She has no right to have opinions on your body."
"It seems like she is jealous and that's on her."
"Not you or your wife."
"Congrats by the way!!!" ~ WonderfulPassenger62
Well, OP, it sounds like Reddit is with you.
Your body, your choice.
She's going to have to come to terms with this on her own.
You and your wife have so much more to focus on.
Good luck and congratulations!
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.