Making life-altering decisions regarding one's health can have far-reaching consequences.
It's always nice when these decisions aren't an emergency and there is time to think over many options and scenarios.
However, because of the consequences, the question of who gets a say in the situation is often brought up.
And the answers can be murky.
Who makes the "Need-to-Know" shortlist?
Redditor mybodyaita wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA For not telling my ex-wife that I reversed my vasectomy?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My ex-wife, Jen (38 F[emale), and I (42 M[ale]) were married for 8 years before divorcing during the pandemic 4 years ago."
"We have 2 kids together (13 M and 10 F) who we share custody of and co-parent well together."
"At her suggestion, I got a vasectomy after our daughter was born."
"I got remarried about a year ago to my new wife, Cari (34 F)."
"Cari does not have kids but has always wanted a family."
"After many discussions prior to our engagement, I agreed to reverse my vasectomy to try to start a family with Cari."
"I had the reversal procedure done just after our wedding."
"Cari and I found out about a month ago that she is pregnant."
"She is currently about 15 weeks."
"We have not told anyone about the pregnancy until recently."
"I wanted to wait until I had an opportunity to tell my kids in person that they are going to have a younger sibling."
"Now that they are done with school, I had that chance this past weekend."
"Both of my kids were very excited and happy to hear the news."
"They get along great with Cari and are excited to have a new baby bro/sis."
"After I told the kids, they wanted to call their mom and tell her about it too."
"I was a little apprehensive because I didn't know how Jen would react and tried to convince them to let me tell her first, but my son ended up telling her via text before that."
"Jen sent me a text a few minutes later basically asking me WTF I was thinking."
"I texted her back saying that I would prefer not to have this conversation over text and asked if she was free for a chat."
"She said she wasn't and sent a flurry of texts asking me a bunch of questions."
"I again told her I would prefer to have this conversation in person or on the phone."
"She finally called me later that night and was not happy."
"She told me that I should have told her I reversed my vasectomy so that she could talk to our kids about it."
"I told her that my body and my life with Cari is not her business and that neither of our kids even know I had a vasectomy, let alone know what a vasectomy is."
"I've never told them I had one so why would I tell them I reversed it."
"She told me that since this is going to have a huge impact on our kid's lives that I should have told her about it first."
"She said that it is her business when it will directly impact our kids."
"I told her that it is my body and that my health choices are of no concern to her anymore."
"The conversation started getting heated and I ended the call before things got too far."
"Jen has since calmed down and sent a text congratulating Cari and me."
"But she still maintains that I should have notified her of my decision to reverse my vasectomy before things got to a point where Cari was pregnant."
"She thinks that she had a right to know since it will impact our kids."
"I think she has no right to any information regarding what I decide to do with my body unless it is life-threatening."
"My marriage and life with Cari is not information that my ex-wife has any right to."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. My dad got a vasectomy when my parents were married then got it reversed (and later re-done) when he and my stepmom had my brother."
"I was like 17 when he got the reversal."
"I CANNOT overstate how much I wish I hadn't known about any of it." ~ Little-Extreme-4027
"My parents told me about Dad's vasectomy when I was eight to the point that I was drawing diagrams in the playground sand to explain the difference between a vasectomy and a pet being neutered to my classmates."
"I think they may have overshared a bit." ~ Raebee_
"I agree with you- your body your business."
"Once the divorce was final she lost all right to lecture about your choices."
"As far as the kids go, you're their dad and have as much say in their lives as she does."
"She doesn't have to like it but it's really none of her business. NTA." ~ Connect_Watercress73
"Plus how and when to tell the kids is YOUR decision, why would she get first dibs at sharing your news with them? NTA." ~ tjbsl
"I disagree. OP, you're a massive a**hole for not telling your vasectomy reversal news to your ex, your kids, me, all of Reddit, your boss, your neighbors, the postal/delivery/utility workers at your home, your 3rd-grade teacher, etc."
"In fact, I am appalled you did not hold a State of the Sausage address on your social media."
"I mean, would it have been that difficult for you to show some consideration for us?"
"We all signed up for your ScroteWatch alerts!"
"Seriously, she signed papers divorcing you 4 years ago."
"It doesn't matter how well you two co-parent."
"She doesn't share news about her irregular periods with you, you don't share news about your semen recipe with her."
"A judge said so."
"NTA. is between you, your wife, your doctor, your testicles, and your urethra."
"That's it." ~ PrideofCapetown
"This. In normal families, parents don't ask their kids for permission to f**k or have more children."
"Given that infertility and miscarriage are a thing, most parents wait until they are further along to announce to the kids."
"I had the shock of my life when my parents had a surprise (to everyone!) baby when I was 16 - we were all fine."
"The ex-wife doesn't need to feature in breaking the news- if he is a decent dad, he is capable of having that conversation with his kids."
"But it makes sense for the ex to find out immediately after that so she can support the kids if they have complex feelings."
"But nobody needs to tell anyone outside of the couple if they are trying for a baby."
"That's private information."
"The kids don't need to know and the ex certainly doesn't need to know."
"Has she been telling him if she's still using the pill?"
"Or every time she sleeps with someone?"
"She needs to learn appropriate boundaries."
"They are not friends."
"They are not partners/spouses."
"They are co-parents only."
"What happens to his genitals with other women is not her concern."
"I think the ex-wife is the one who is shaken."
"Because OP is continuing a new family with his new partner and she is struggling to process that."
"A lot of exes REALLY struggle when a person moves on in life, especially if they are now living their dream life with a new partner." ~ linerva
"Your ex probably believed that she would be the only one to have children with you, giving her a special connection that you would never share with your current wife."
"You didn't owe her a heads-up about the reversal, if she chooses to have another child with a future partner is she going to ask for your blessing? Highly doubtful."
"The two of you are divorced and you don't need her permission or her blessing to have children with your wife."
"This is a personal matter between you and your partner. NTA." ~ Wisdomofpearl
"NTA You didn't know if your reversal would be a success or whether you and Cari would conceive."
"It wouldn't have been appropriate for your ex to expect you to fill her in until now."
"I think she just got taken by surprise and reacted poorly."
"I'm glad she sent a congrats text later." ~ FloofyDireWolf
"NTA - She found out when it was appropriate, she has no right to your medical history or what procedures you have had or plan on having."
"That's just silly." ~ Ok-Patience-8626
"What's more silly is that she demanded to know about this so she could tell their kids about the vasectomy and that their father reversed it."
"Why would you ever have a conversation about this topic with your kids?"
"I hope she hasn't had conversations similar to this with the kids before, that's just weird."
"NTA, your wife is insecure and jelly." ~ Carbon-Base
"My wife straight up told me she was happy I was getting a vasectomy because it meant even if we broke up, nobody else would be able to have kids with me."
"So it's probably that and she doesn't want to admit that to you."
"She's using your kids as a shield to cover how mad she is that she's not your only baby mama."
"NTA, she's gotta get over it." ~ SoCalThrowAway7
"NTA - Your ex-wife is entitled, jealous, and completely out of line."
"Your body, your choice, and she's just using the 'but it affects our kids!' angle because she's jealous and mad."
"Screw that."
"You informed your kids when you found out you were pregnant, and you did owe them that."
"Neither your ex-wife nor your not-even-teen-aged kids get to decide if you have more children."
"Full stop. Period. Easy peasy." ~Aggressive-Bed3269
"You did nothing wrong and it's heartwarming to see a husband stand up for his wife while also keeping a healthy relationship between everyone."
"She has no right to have opinions on your body."
"It seems like she is jealous and that's on her."
"Not you or your wife."
"Congrats by the way!!!" ~ WonderfulPassenger62
Well, OP, it sounds like Reddit is with you.
Your body, your choice.
She's going to have to come to terms with this on her own.
You and your wife have so much more to focus on.
Good luck and congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp