Whether we want to label ourselves as “romantic” or not, most of us idealize and romanticize elderly couples and couples that otherwise have lasted for a really long time.
But not every long relationship is a quality or healthy one, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Prestigious-Ad5913 had been with his wife since dating her in high school, and it was clear there were issues of control and trust in their marriage, and it was impacting his ability to grow within his job.
Because his wife did not trust him and vilified him for “having fun” while she had to stay at home, the Original Poster (OP) had never been able to network at a professional event before, but he felt like it was time for that to change, no matter what was at stake.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for defying my partner’s veto on a work trip?”
The OP’s wife was not supportive of him traveling or networking to grow in his career.
“I’m a 31-year-old man with two kids under the age of five. My partner is 30, and we’ve been together for 10+ years.”
“We’re both from Europe, and I run a service-based business.”
“Despite strong growth, I’ve never attended conferences, which are prime opportunities to meet new contacts and generate leads. My company has invited me several times, but the last three or four times, I made weak excuses because I didn’t want to seem like a failure when, really, my partner wouldn’t let me go. These events were in North America, Europe, and Asia.”
The OP did not want to miss another networking opportunity.
“Next month, there’s a three-day conference (plus about one and a half days for travel) where many key stakeholders from our big projects across the space will be present.”
“Again, my partner refuses to approve the trip.”
“I’ve tried several compromises:”
“I said we could rent a villa with a pool for her and the kids. She said it wouldn’t work since I’d be having fun while she’d be stuck at home.”
“I said we could hire a local nanny in the conference city. She refused, saying she can’t trust a stranger with our children.”
“I said we could have my mother and aunt look after the kids at home so we could go together. She insisted they’re not capable.”
“I said we could invite my mother to the villa to care for the children. She flat-out rejected visiting that particular city, calling it full of ‘h*es’ and uncomfortable vibes.”
The OP and his wife could not reach an agreement, and he wasn’t sure he cared anymore.
“For background, we’ve been dating since we were teens. When we were teens, we both cheated, and I also consumed a socially normal amount of adult videos, which she said she did not like and saw as infidelity.”
“There have been no further transgressions on my part; I wonder sometimes if she’s projecting and worrying about ‘what will happen’ on one of these trips when I might have ‘access.'”
“Now that she’s rejected every compromise I gave her, it’s a standoff: either I miss the conference, or if I go anyway, our relationship may end.”
“I feel guilty dragging our kids through this conflict just because I want to attend, but I also believe she’s stifling my professional growth.”
“I’ve spent the past week unable to work, consumed by this dilemma, and it seems I’m effectively barred from any business trips.”
“Am I wrong for considering going to the conference this time, regardless of everything?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to attend the conference and pointed out that his wife was limiting his growth.
“NTA. Your partner isn’t just vetoing a trip; she’s vetoing your career growth. You’ve offered every possible compromise, from villas to family help, and she’s shot them all down with flimsy excuses. The ‘h*es’ comment? Wildly unfair.”
“This isn’t about the kids; it’s about control. Missing this conference sets a precedent where your professional opportunities hinge on her approval. That’s not partnership; that’s a leash.”
“Go to the conference. If the relationship ends over three days, it is already on life support. And for the love of god, stop framing this as ‘dragging the kids through conflict.’ You’re modeling how to stand up for yourself; that’s parenting, too.” – Mandrigsa
“A partner should support your growth, not hold it hostage. This level of control isn’t love; it’s manipulation.” – SableeHavoc
“I don’t think she’s understanding the consequences. If you aren’t growing WITH the business, there is more and more of a chance of getting LEFT BEHIND by the business.”
“Literally, if you can’t network for the business, they may simply replace you. She’s being intentionally stubborn by not compromising at all, and I find it asinine that not a single option is good enough.”
“If she won’t budge, she simply doesn’t want you to travel because she is stuck at home, and if that’s not it, then she is just being a d**k.” – BrackishBear
“It doesn’t seem like either of them is quite grown up yet.”
“I don’t quite understand what he means by ‘run’ a business. Is OP in charge or not?”
“Business conferences aren’t ‘fun,’ though people do try to make them less dry.”
“Business conferences aren’t really optional… one might be, but you can’t skip them all.”
“You don’t negotiate with your spouse over the details one try at a time. You back up, figure out what’s really wrong, and you get to the heart of that problem.”
“The conference is CRITICAL to his career, AND the conversation they need to have is critical to their relationship. They need to have the fight, get to the heart of the issues, make a plan to work on those, and also find a way that OP can go to the conference.”
“And if divorce is the only way, then so be it, but TRY to work it out as adults first, not on a weekend-by-weekend basis.” – Available_Writer4144
“Her comment that you make enough is ridiculous. Jobs aren’t static, yours might go away. Being able to show a growth trajectory will be key in any job movement, or even for keeping the one you currently have.”
“These trips are for work, and yes, networking sometimes involves fun activities, but you shouldn’t be punished for it.”
“Since there’s a history of infidelity, that’s something to consider, but even if that’s the case, either you can be trusted to not eff up again, or you can’t. If the answer is the latter, then the marriage should end anyway.”
“It’s hard to be left home alone with two small kids while your spouse is out having fun or at least being around other adults and not wiping noses and butts, but that’s part of the marriage/parenting gig.” – ParkerGroove
“In healthy relationships, one person doesn’t issue ultimatums like this. If your wife doesn’t trust you, then your marriage is lacking an essential foundation. You might consider talking to a good counselor. I bet there is a lot of unhealthy stuff going on that you wouldn’t notice bc neither of you ever dated anyone else as an adult, seriously.”
“Marriage counseling would be good too. But you might want to spend a few sessions sorting out your own thoughts first.”
“I think you should ask her point blank why she is trying to prevent you from what you see as an important career opportunity.” – Aylauria
Others considered the possibility of the relationship ending with controlling behavior and a history of cheating.
“Ah, so you two should’ve split when you were teenagers, but you stayed together and BROUGHT CHILDREN INTO THIS because no one taught you how healthy relationships work. Got it.”
“Well, now you know how healthy relationships work. Now you know that your partner is never going to trust you. What you do with that information is up to you.” – DeniedAppeal1
“You’ve been together since you were both teenagers, which can be great and admirable. The problem is that it sounds like she never stopped being a teenager. She never tried to grow up.”
“You’re a prisoner in your own home and have been for a lot of years. I would suggest couples counseling to find a compromise or start thinking about ending the relationship. She’s going to ruin your career and your mental health.” – PuzzleheadedTap4484
“You are both jerks for cheating in high school. I don’t understand why you gave her a veto over your life when she cheated, too.”
“It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you split up. You would probably be happier. She sounds really controlling if she rejected all of those options. Seems like she wants to punish you for the rest of your life for ‘transgressions’ she committed, too.”
“You really wanna live like this? Staying together for the kids is also a coward’s excuse. A separation and divorce are healthier for the kids than a terrible marriage. You’re setting an example: would you want your kids to follow in your footsteps, staying in an unhappy marriage?” – nerd_is_a_verb
“Yikes. If you stayed together through all that, she should have learned to be more trusting by now. Also, bringing her and the kids seems like it should assuage any lingering doubts. You may be better off co-parenting and just ending this mess of a relationship while you’re both still young.” – IJustWantADragon21
“Why would you need your partner to approve YOUR business trips?”
“Is she your boss? Or your prison warden?”
“You said, ‘Now it’s a standoff: either I miss the conference, or if I go anyway, our relationship may end…’ Take the second option. It is the best offer you have got.” – k23_k23
As hard as the OP might be trying not to face it, there was a clear ultimatum and opportunity at the OP’s feet in the subReddit’s eyes.
By being together since high school, the OP and his wife were likely both having feelings of “sunken cost fallacy” and like they needed to stay together simply because of how long they had been together. But with cheating in their past, an apparent lack of trust, and control issues on the wife’s part, it seemed obvious to the subReddit that this was a relationship likely to fail.
If the OP were to choose between his marriage to his wife, his relationship and positive modeling to his children, and his growing career, and only be able to invest time and effort into two of them, it’s obvious which one has to go.