Whether we want to label ourselves as "romantic" or not, most of us idealize and romanticize elderly couples and couples that otherwise have lasted for a really long time.
But not every long relationship is a quality or healthy one, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Prestigious-Ad5913 had been with his wife since dating her in high school, and it was clear there were issues of control and trust in their marriage, and it was impacting his ability to grow within his job.
Because his wife did not trust him and vilified him for "having fun" while she had to stay at home, the Original Poster (OP) had never been able to network at a professional event before, but he felt like it was time for that to change, no matter what was at stake.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for defying my partner's veto on a work trip?"
The OP's wife was not supportive of him traveling or networking to grow in his career.
"I'm a 31-year-old man with two kids under the age of five. My partner is 30, and we've been together for 10+ years."
"We're both from Europe, and I run a service-based business."
"Despite strong growth, I've never attended conferences, which are prime opportunities to meet new contacts and generate leads. My company has invited me several times, but the last three or four times, I made weak excuses because I didn't want to seem like a failure when, really, my partner wouldn't let me go. These events were in North America, Europe, and Asia."
The OP did not want to miss another networking opportunity.
"Next month, there's a three-day conference (plus about one and a half days for travel) where many key stakeholders from our big projects across the space will be present."
"Again, my partner refuses to approve the trip."
"I've tried several compromises:"
"I said we could rent a villa with a pool for her and the kids. She said it wouldn't work since I'd be having fun while she'd be stuck at home."
"I said we could hire a local nanny in the conference city. She refused, saying she can't trust a stranger with our children."
"I said we could have my mother and aunt look after the kids at home so we could go together. She insisted they're not capable."
"I said we could invite my mother to the villa to care for the children. She flat-out rejected visiting that particular city, calling it full of 'h*es' and uncomfortable vibes."
The OP and his wife could not reach an agreement, and he wasn't sure he cared anymore.
"For background, we've been dating since we were teens. When we were teens, we both cheated, and I also consumed a socially normal amount of adult videos, which she said she did not like and saw as infidelity."
"There have been no further transgressions on my part; I wonder sometimes if she's projecting and worrying about 'what will happen' on one of these trips when I might have 'access.'"
"Now that she's rejected every compromise I gave her, it's a standoff: either I miss the conference, or if I go anyway, our relationship may end."
"I feel guilty dragging our kids through this conflict just because I want to attend, but I also believe she's stifling my professional growth."
"I've spent the past week unable to work, consumed by this dilemma, and it seems I'm effectively barred from any business trips."
"Am I wrong for considering going to the conference this time, regardless of everything?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to attend the conference and pointed out that his wife was limiting his growth.
"NTA. Your partner isn't just vetoing a trip; she's vetoing your career growth. You've offered every possible compromise, from villas to family help, and she's shot them all down with flimsy excuses. The 'h*es' comment? Wildly unfair."
"This isn't about the kids; it's about control. Missing this conference sets a precedent where your professional opportunities hinge on her approval. That's not partnership; that's a leash."
"Go to the conference. If the relationship ends over three days, it is already on life support. And for the love of god, stop framing this as 'dragging the kids through conflict.' You're modeling how to stand up for yourself; that's parenting, too." - Mandrigsa
"A partner should support your growth, not hold it hostage. This level of control isn't love; it's manipulation." - SableeHavoc
"I don't think she's understanding the consequences. If you aren't growing WITH the business, there is more and more of a chance of getting LEFT BEHIND by the business."
"Literally, if you can't network for the business, they may simply replace you. She's being intentionally stubborn by not compromising at all, and I find it asinine that not a single option is good enough."
"If she won't budge, she simply doesn't want you to travel because she is stuck at home, and if that's not it, then she is just being a d**k." - BrackishBear
"It doesn't seem like either of them is quite grown up yet."
"I don't quite understand what he means by 'run' a business. Is OP in charge or not?"
"Business conferences aren't 'fun,' though people do try to make them less dry."
"Business conferences aren't really optional... one might be, but you can't skip them all."
"You don't negotiate with your spouse over the details one try at a time. You back up, figure out what's really wrong, and you get to the heart of that problem."
"The conference is CRITICAL to his career, AND the conversation they need to have is critical to their relationship. They need to have the fight, get to the heart of the issues, make a plan to work on those, and also find a way that OP can go to the conference."
"And if divorce is the only way, then so be it, but TRY to work it out as adults first, not on a weekend-by-weekend basis." - Available_Writer4144
"Her comment that you make enough is ridiculous. Jobs aren't static, yours might go away. Being able to show a growth trajectory will be key in any job movement, or even for keeping the one you currently have."
"These trips are for work, and yes, networking sometimes involves fun activities, but you shouldn't be punished for it."
"Since there's a history of infidelity, that's something to consider, but even if that's the case, either you can be trusted to not eff up again, or you can't. If the answer is the latter, then the marriage should end anyway."
"It's hard to be left home alone with two small kids while your spouse is out having fun or at least being around other adults and not wiping noses and butts, but that's part of the marriage/parenting gig." - ParkerGroove
"In healthy relationships, one person doesn't issue ultimatums like this. If your wife doesn't trust you, then your marriage is lacking an essential foundation. You might consider talking to a good counselor. I bet there is a lot of unhealthy stuff going on that you wouldn't notice bc neither of you ever dated anyone else as an adult, seriously."
"Marriage counseling would be good too. But you might want to spend a few sessions sorting out your own thoughts first."
"I think you should ask her point blank why she is trying to prevent you from what you see as an important career opportunity." - Aylauria
Others considered the possibility of the relationship ending with controlling behavior and a history of cheating.
"Ah, so you two should've split when you were teenagers, but you stayed together and BROUGHT CHILDREN INTO THIS because no one taught you how healthy relationships work. Got it."
"Well, now you know how healthy relationships work. Now you know that your partner is never going to trust you. What you do with that information is up to you." - DeniedAppeal1
"You've been together since you were both teenagers, which can be great and admirable. The problem is that it sounds like she never stopped being a teenager. She never tried to grow up."
"You're a prisoner in your own home and have been for a lot of years. I would suggest couples counseling to find a compromise or start thinking about ending the relationship. She's going to ruin your career and your mental health." - PuzzleheadedTap4484
"You are both jerks for cheating in high school. I don't understand why you gave her a veto over your life when she cheated, too."
"It wouldn't be the end of the world if you split up. You would probably be happier. She sounds really controlling if she rejected all of those options. Seems like she wants to punish you for the rest of your life for 'transgressions' she committed, too."
"You really wanna live like this? Staying together for the kids is also a coward's excuse. A separation and divorce are healthier for the kids than a terrible marriage. You're setting an example: would you want your kids to follow in your footsteps, staying in an unhappy marriage?" - nerd_is_a_verb
"Yikes. If you stayed together through all that, she should have learned to be more trusting by now. Also, bringing her and the kids seems like it should assuage any lingering doubts. You may be better off co-parenting and just ending this mess of a relationship while you're both still young." - IJustWantADragon21
"Why would you need your partner to approve YOUR business trips?"
"Is she your boss? Or your prison warden?"
"You said, 'Now it's a standoff: either I miss the conference, or if I go anyway, our relationship may end...' Take the second option. It is the best offer you have got." - k23_k23
As hard as the OP might be trying not to face it, there was a clear ultimatum and opportunity at the OP's feet in the subReddit's eyes.
By being together since high school, the OP and his wife were likely both having feelings of "sunken cost fallacy" and like they needed to stay together simply because of how long they had been together. But with cheating in their past, an apparent lack of trust, and control issues on the wife's part, it seemed obvious to the subReddit that this was a relationship likely to fail.
If the OP were to choose between his marriage to his wife, his relationship and positive modeling to his children, and his growing career, and only be able to invest time and effort into two of them, it's obvious which one has to go.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp